Thank you all that commented on my last post.
Sybil and I haven't killed each other...yet.
Life is percolating along. We seem to have retreated into our respective corners for now. She hasn't really lost it in awhile (nearly 2 weeks). Right now, it seems the key is to acknowledge that I am wrong (even I think I'm right), quickly apologize, state why I think I was wrong (even if I think I was right), and everything is hunky-dory.
Somehow, I don't think this is a recipe for a healthy marriage. What constitutes a health marriage? I have no idea. Married people seem unhappy. Single people seem unhappy. Therefore, people seem unhappy. The idea that another is cause of our unhappiness is just as laughable as the idea that another is the cause of our happiness. We have bought into the fairy tale idea that we'll "live happily ever after." The best we can hope for is to live. Hopefully together.
This realization, which really was kind of V8 moment of slapping my forehead, has helped me laugh off Sybil's tirades. I know I cannot really take them seriously. Now, before anyone gets on to me about not taking Sybil seriously, I must point out that taking her seriously is what produces our nastiest arguments. Case in point: see post below. That is a good example. If I simply nodded my head and acted like I was listening, we probably would not have had the replay of Black Hawk Down with me being the guys in the HumV's.
Is this really a healthy attitude? I cannot say. Digger can comment on that better than me. He tends to study psychology and has a better grasp for it. It probably isn't. Remember the goal: to live (hopefully, together). If this is the goal of marriage (besides raising kids in a stable, loving environment), then simply letting go of her tirades will go a long way to keeping the peace. I cannot expect Sybil to change how she keeps the peace; I must only worry about doing my part. It is the height of conceit to expect someone to change simply because one wishes it (some may want to reread that). I must only concern myself with taking my reaction out of the equation. Expressing emotion will only add fuel to the fire.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
7 comments:
I just wonder how long you can possibly keep on going like this.
It just seems sad. She can't possibly be happy either?
Wish I had some great words of advice, but I don't. Hope it gets better.
I came to the realization a couple years ago that I can only control my behavior, not my spouse's. I have done like you, trying to not react to his idiocy and just "let it go" for the sake of the kids. I treat him the way I want to be treated, etc.
It hasn't worked for me, but best of luck to you!
farmwife and bunny-
I'm sure it won't work in the long run. Hopefully, it will work until I can think of a better solution.
I love your references to commercials (or, one commercial...). And no, I'm not trying to get fired from my job! It just kind of slipped, actually.
What confuses me about life is the necessary "happiness" to which we all seem endowed to obtain. If I'm not mistaken, it's the "pursuit" of happiness that is guaranteed. Whether or not happiness is achieved is all up to fate. I am in a good marriage, but I would never go as far to say it's a 100% happy marriage. I don't think that's possible, actually.
Cheers...
I'll agree with the rest here... I don't believe you should have to stop being "you" to avoid disagreements or to make someone else happy. It should be about what we find in each other, with the inclusion of faults, that brings compatibility - with a little sprinkle of compromise.
Hang in there!
Well, I think you're right to a certain extent. You can decide to change the way you respond to her 'tirades.' That is a good first step, because you are willing to take control of yourself.
I think I've said this before, but if we expect others to be themselves we will never be disappointed. This one thing brought so much happiness back to my marriage.
The comment by "hyperbole" caught my eye. I don't think anyone is naive enough anymore to think that one person will give us our happiness. But not being in a continually unhappy marriage is important. Like Aphron says, avoidance is not a long-term solution. And each of us must decide what our minimum need is.
I just hope I can take my learnings and convey them to my sons. Hopefully then they can make informed, mature decisions about the wiseness of having married their spouse...preferrably before children come along.
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