We had gotten one of those Pitney-Bowes mailing machines. Since we do quite a bit of mailings, we thought we could give it a try. Sybil spent a good amount of time on Friday setting it up. She had to call the PB people. However, she managed to get the thing up and running.
On Saturday, I was at the office finishing up on some tasks. I looked at the back of the machine, noticed a USB cable had one end connected to the PB, but the other end was unconnected. I unrolled it and was going to connect it to a computer. It was too short, so I couldn't connect it.
As I'm driving home, I call Sybil and ask her if we need to buy a longer cable. She gets extremely agitated. Suddenly, we're on. We spend the rest of the day fighting. If I am understanding her correctly, my action reveals how thoughtless I am. I should have remembered that she said the machine was working, I should not have tampered with someone's "project," and obviously I do not really care about anything she says or does. I find myself feeling completely blindsided. All I can say is, "I was trying to help; I didn't mean any harm." Pretty pathetic, but it is the truth. As the argument continues, I explain that I am who I am. I am not sure that I am able to make the changes she wants. If she can't live with that, then maybe she should make a change. Sybil takes of her ring, threw in my direction, and storms out of the room.
That is how things went Saturday, and they were no better Sunday. Sybil still did not wear her ring. I tried to have her put it on. She refused. She said my last comment tells her how I really feel. If I did not really feel that way, then I would not have even thought it much less said it. I try to explain that it came out during the heat of the moment. Sybil would not even entertain that possibility.
Essentially, we are reliving the same old argument over and over. Sybil needs me to worry over the little things. She wants to me to stress out about every little detail and worry about how that impacts the other person. I explain to her that I am not sure that is even possible. I explain to her that living like that does not sound very enjoyable. Explaining to Sybil that I want us to enjoy each other's company and build a refuge from the world. She asks how can we do that, when I won't work at our marriage. She wants me to worry about our marriage. I get the work at our marriage thing. I do feel that I am trying to do that, apparently not enough for Sybil. I'm not so sure about the worry about our marriage. Living with worry, walking on eggshells, being on constant guard is not a life, in my opinion. When I express that to Sybil, she says she is not asking me to do that; she is asking me to think about how every single, little action has large repercussions. I guess there is a difference, but I'm not sure what it is.
That is where we are. Over 36 hours of fighting has not resolved the issues. Sybil still does not wearing her ring. To think that it all started with good intentions.
14 comments:
god, I'm so sorry - what a rough weekend. There are (in my opinion) more things going on than a cable. I know that I tend to be hot tempered also and can over-react to apparently minor issues BECUASE I haven't dealt with (honestly and upfront) what is REALLY bothering me ... not sure if that is the case with your Sybil or not...
perhaps it really is a case of her feeling you don't appreciate her efforts (i.e. she had the machine working) and she feels you are "double checking" or not trusting her on this?
Either way, rough for both of you ... I hope the week brings some understanding.
I guess I don't understand the degree of vitriol. I can understand feeling "double checked." I don't like that either. When I explained that I really wasn't my intention, she would not accept that. I agree that we are not meeting in the middle. I keep going back to the feeling of walking on eggshells of being on my guard. Is that an intimate relationship?
Well, if this were me -- and it's probably a good thing it's not -- I would talk to her like I talk to my 6-year old. My 6-year old daughter overreacts and gets overly emotional about the TINIEST things, and I sit her down and give her the same speech to try to calm her down. It pretty much comes down to this: Is this REALLY worth getting that upset about? This is a very tiny thing that you are blowing way out of proportion, and the only person who can control your emotions is yourself. No one else can make you this upset, except yourself. If you don't learn to control your emotions, you are going to have a difficult time as a grown-up. Life is much easier if you don't constantly make mountains out of molehills. Calm down, take some deep breaths, and give me a hug.
I don't think I've ever actually said the "mountain out of a molehill" thing, but it definitely applies here.
You're pretty funny. Yep, I did that. I'm sure you know what the reaction was. I was a condescending a**hole. I keep telling her that she is overreacting. She keeps saying that, if loved her, I would take her feelings seriously. Apparently, I don't love her, since I think she is totally overreacting and loves the drama.
She needs help. Seriously. I mean, WTF? The taking off of the ring really gets to me. That to me says much more about taking the marriage seriously than your "failure" to worry over every little tiny thing.
You have to be kidding me. I'm sorry, I'd simply tell her when she was ready to start acting like an adult, I'd be ready to have a civil conversation with her.
I have no patience for the "drama" that some women seem to enjoy so much.
You know....we are all on this earth a very short period of time. Is this how you want to spent it?
The taking off of her rings seems very childish to me. Good luck.
She's upset because you refuse to engage or indulge in her own neurotic rampages. Your wife's insecurity is epic where she needs constant (and vigilant) validation. You are definitely in an eggshell minefield!
Stop begging her to to put her ring on. Stop indulging her. Let her sulk.
If it were me, and she took me down the path of "Well, you obviously don't love me because...." I would probably call her bluff.
"What if it's true? What if what you say is the TRUTH?!? You know what, you might be RIGHT!! I may NOT love you at all and I may just trying to fool myself. Perhaps I should seek help. Should I call a therapist or a lawyer?"
That's probably not too productive, either. But still, it sounds like she is really playing you. Leave your ring on, and pretend she has hers on. Ignore it, and one day she'll feel foolish enough to quietly put it back on. Say nothing.
See, this where I've been able to benefit from counseling. Just from the stand point that we both know that this type of stuff would be brought up outside to someone else we ave some incentive to resolve it before the next appointment. Plus, Selkie is right. This is a lot bigger than a loose USB cable. Sybil won't be honest with you or even herself. There's some big hurt there and she ends up kicking you for it.
bunny-
I think Sybil likes the feeling of being a victim. By trying to plug that stupid cable into the computer, I affirmed that all of efforts are for nothing. She may as well quit. Taking off the ring is a symbolic, I guess, of her quitting.
farmwife-
Your comment echoed what I've been saying to Sybil. I have been trying to express to her that life is stressful enough without going out and inventing more. Like other areas of her "philosophy", she refuses to budge.
digger jones-
I think you have hit the nail on the head. Sybil's insecurity is amazing. To cope with that insecurity, she has to be perfect. Like many other perfectionists, she cannot stand someone else's imperfection. The closer someone is to Sybil, the less she will accommodate that imperfection. After my second request for her to wear the ring, I quit asking. What's the point? She is using it like a mallet to beat me over the head.
I'll have to agree... She loves being a victim and I think it's more so of being a victim to herself but she's looking for someone else to do the rescuing.
I 2nd everything Digger said - don't play into the drama! Sometimes if we are left to our own vices, eventually we can see through the foolishness that we chose to embark upon and if we're lucky - we can stop and fix it!
I'm late...yet, duh, I have a feeling I'm on that road too right now!
Best to you...and hope things are already cool by now.
You know, I hear there is a behaviour technique that can help with this kind of thing. It's called "extinguishment". Basically, if there is a behaviour you think is unreasonable and/or you want to discourage, you simply fail to engage with it. It tends to extinguish the behaviour over time because the behaviour becomes so unrewarding.
I gues you would have to be careful with this kind of thing, because we all need to deal with and respect our partner's feelings. But the extinguishment technique might help with Sybil's more extreme behaviour. Eg, You could tell her you are happy to listen and try to be responsive if she tells her feelings in a way that is reasonably constructive and in proportion to what actually happened. Every time it veers into removing rings, hysterical accusations, insults, etc, its met with refusal to engage. No asking her to put her wring back on. No getting sucked into 36 hours of fighting. Just an offer to really talk (maybe for an hour) and try to respond to what she asks for without all this extraneous drama.
mariposa-
If you're on that road, then get off before it's too late.
emily-
That sounds like good advice. That is where I need to "train" Sybil on her reactions. Doing so may lead to more constructive discussions.
jeff-
Wow! That's pretty insightful. Did you read my whole blog and come to that conclusion? Of course, I'm whining. That's what I set my blog up for. What does "venting my spleen" mean? Thanks for stopping by.
Find out waht is at the bottom of teh fight from her perspective. Have it out then be done with it. Take her ring to hte pawn shop and see what it's worth. I guarantee it's not worth the trouble she's causing.
Hit on the cute clerk at the pawn shop and have a fling or two. Then you'll at least have somethig worthy of fighting over.
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