Monday, October 13, 2008

Same Stuff Different Day

Did anyone see this article awhile back? Does anyone do that? What happens when one partner is trying to add a "little spice," and the other is perfectly happy with status quo? I'd really like to know, who these people are. I'm not sure they really exist.

There was a time, when I tried to add a little zest in things. The great thing about beating one's head against a wall is that it feels good, when one stops. Things are so much easier now that I have had to mold my desires more in line with Sybil's. I figured that there are so many other things we stress out about that adding one more pressure point isn't healthy. I guess one could say I gave up.

Isn't that the point of a happy, healthy marriage? One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's. Some may call that compromise or selling out. I call it conflict resolution. I've resolved one area of conflict in Sybil's and my marriage. By doing so, we can move on to all the other petty fights we have. I am hoping to eventually remove any and all issues which may precipitate a fight. Since I have no control over Sybil and her reactions, this will prove to be very difficult.

One example is retirement. I long to retire. I don't mean to stop working but to stop HAVING to work. I want to investigate other avenues of wealth accumulation other than a typical IRA/mutual fund (I was wanting to do this before all of the current unpleasantness). My career is very stressful. Dealing with people and trying to meet their expectations is very difficult. On a day-to-day basis it becomes a drag. Well, Sybil said to me this weekend that she doesn't foresee me ever retiring and the thought of being in that position is not something she really thinks about. She loves to work. However, she likes to do things, but she does not like to make hard decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She may be working hard in our business, but she does not have to deal with people and their expectations, hire/fire, etc. She comes and goes on her schedule. I can see why she does not want to retire.

What's the answer? I don't have one. I just know that I try to keep plodding along. I keep reminding myself that in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter. We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.


Anonymous said...

Umm, well actually we do quite a few things on the list....and I figure we are pretty normal people!

I'm scared of heights and my hubby likes to mountain I bit the bullet and went with him, and you know -- it was fun! As long as I had the rope on anyhow :)
And there was actually a night I drove out to the field and climbed into the tractor with him - in lingerie.
Now cyber romance would be difficult, since he doesn't use a computer.

We've been married 19 years this August, so it seems to be working out.

We have a farm -- our whole lives are one big routine chore, but we try really hard not to get bogged down into the ruts. Life is after all -- about living it. Compromise is good, giving up everything you enjoy isn't.

aphron said...

Wow! Tractor sex. Never thought of that one. It's hard to get past the mundane chores of life. All of us have things that take up our time and energy. The fear is growing apart as a couple.

Unknown said...

I'm just starting to become familiar with your words, so don't have the entire background but, question, is the compromise all on YOUR part, then that is not compromise, that is capitulation - compromise by definition means BOTH parties agree to concede on certain points.

Certaintly, I know that D. and I understand (painfully sometimes) that both have to make concessions - that we need to really balance and understand what truly counts to the other person - but there have to be two parties working at this.

I'm just wondering, does yoru Sybil make concessions too?

selkie said...

Just read the article too - its fun! We've done a fair bit of that ... grins at the lingerie on the tractor ...last time I was on a tractor I fell off and was run over LOL ...but I LOVE the whole image ...

FTN said...

One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's.

You sound like you are managing to do that, and things are somewhat better, but I can tell from your tone that you aren't very happy about it. No answers here, I'm afraid.

We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.

The "we're all going to die anyway" sound depressing, but I think the "lilies of the field" part is good to keep in mind. I know plenty of people that worked SO hard to accumulate wealth for retirement, and then something happened that they didn't get to enjoy it. For instance a man I know that worked himself silly trying to plan for retirement and to "provide for his family," and yet his wife died at 60, just as he was ready to retire. Now he'll regretfully tell everyone around how he really mismanaged his time.

I've got no answers there either. I sure don't want to be working paycheck to paycheck when I'm 75. But it's also key not to burnout at 40.

Phyllis Renée said...

That was a very interesting article. But I'm like you, how do you get your spouse interested in trying out and particiating in things like that? Personally, I'm going to email RL a link to the article and see which idea he'd like to try.

I think we compromise at some things, but I completely understand the giving up part. For me though, it was realizing that I had to give up the idea that RL will ever be the romantic/affectionate type. Now, I'm not Miss Perfection and I know it's important to, um, take care of my husband's wants and desire's. And I do, I think, rather well. But he's had to give up (or at least should know he needs to give up) the idea that I'm going to ever {insert extremely personal information}.

aphron said...


Have I crossed from compromise into capitulation? Quite possibly. I try to avoid adding any more stress to my life. I would agree that I tend to take that easy road instead of "sticking to my guns."


No, I'm not happy about the situation. What is the answer? Sybil is not one to change her mind, once she has decided something. It could be that by the end of my day I simply do not have the energy to try to change her mind.
As for the closing of my post, I can see myself as that guy that looks back realizes that all he did was work. The guy that never took the time to stop and smell the flowers. In this, I cannot blame only Sybil. A large amount goes towards myself. However, at the end of my day, the last thing I want to do is work some more. The world will not end.

phyllis renee-

To me, marriage is about looking at the bigger picture. I wish Sybil did XYZ; she wishes I folded undershirts the way she wants. They are equal, since each one is important to each party.

Anonymous said...

I think the key word that's been used here is Compromise. It's seems to be a more positive term used next to the phrase; 'giving up'. And really, you don't sound enthused about it at all.
In fact, if one person has to do all of the 'giving up' it certainly doesn't copnstitute the act of compromise. If can't compliment each other in our relationships - then is it really a relationship at all?

I read the article... I know that some people really do those things, unfortunately it doesn't get played out here. I'm all spiced out and it falls on blind eyes anyways.
Conforming is not always a good thing either.

Phyllis Renée said...

They are equal, since each one is important to each party.

That is a good point. I think it's extremely important to be considerate. When we do things for our spouse because we know that's what they prefer (without begrudging it), I think shows respect for them. And a little respect goes a looooooong way.

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