On That Road to Hell...Redux

Well, I haven't posted a good fight between Sybil and me in awhile. This one is a doozy. I had to look up a fight that was similar to this one.

It all happened Saturday. Sybil asked me to install a special type of thermostat at the office. It automatically changes from heat to cool depending on the settings. Now, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I know it will take me awhile. Since there are two, I know it will take me awhile longer for two (although the second one was easier). While I'm trying to figure this out and install it correctly, Sybil sent me a text message. Since I'm deep in thought and really wanting to get the project done as quickly and efficiently as possible, I ignore the text. Sybil decides to call me. I had to stop everything and answer the phone. Apparently, I sounded irritated (which I was). This adds to up to a big no-no.

Later that night, my parents, Sybil, and I are in the living room talking. She wanted to know, if the thermostat in the house was same as the living room. I answered, "Yes". It wasn't, but the setup was the same. That is what I was trying to say, but I totally botched it. My father and I continued to talk about thermostats. Then I said, "No" to it being the same. Not realizing that I had contradicted myself. This was the final straw. As everyone drifted to bed, I noticed Sybil acting withdrawn. I thought, "WTF did I do THIS time?"

I let Sybil go to bed. I waited about 45 minutes (I was pretty steamed). I went to the bedroom. Now it is on. I kept asking Sybil what the problem was. She kept saying "Wow" like it was so obvious. Everytime I asked she said "Wow!" This went on for a long time. I was racking my brain about the conversation. She kept saying it had to do with what I said. "WTF," I thought. I went through the topics of conversation. Finally, I landed on the right one: the thermostat. Apparently, I lied to her about the thermostat, when she asked me about it. I told her one thing and told my father something else. Now, Sybil is in full victim mode: no one listens to her, no one cares about her, she is nothing but a "hole", she will just sleep on the floor because she is beneath me.

I apologized for my inconsistent answer. Profusely. I didn't mean to give inconsistent answers, but I did not lie. Why would I? Besides a lie has to do with intent: intentionally trying to mislead someone. I did not do that. I admitted to giving her a dumb answer but I did not lie. In giving her this answer, I revealed that I don't care about her. Sybil is nothing but a "hole" to me. I kept trying to reassure her that was not the case. I apologized many times.

Then Sybil brings up the texting thing. Whenever I hear my phone, I should check it no matter what I'm doing. Now, we have had discussions before about the proper role of texting: it is used for communication when one knows that the other party is busy. If the topic is more pressing, then one calls. Sybil says, "What if I had a wreck and I was bleeding profusely? You wouldn't know because you wouldn't answer your text." Huh? I answered that is pretty stupid because if someone is bleeding profusely, then I would expect a phone call. Saturday night conversation ended with Sybil sleeping on the floor and me sleeping in the bed.

Sunday morning comes along. I try to restart the conversation. Again, I am met with how I am a liar and don't care. Again, Sybil brings up the texting thing. Again, I apologize profusely. She refuses to accept it. She's heard it all before. She knows it is empty words. I don't think, I don't care about her, etc.

Since that day, Sybil has not worn her ring. She has a nice white mark there where it was. Right now, I don't even care. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the resentment. I'm tired of having to watch every little thing I do. I'm tired of Sybil's constant criticism. What I did was stupid, but it does not rise to this level of drama! I didn't go out bar hopping without permission, I did not sleep with another person, I did not hit her, I did not do anything except make a stupid comment. Period. If she wants to take ring off as a symbol of divorce. Fine. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm ok with her divorcing me. If I am such a terrible husband, then she should leave.

So I'm on that Road to Hell...again.

I'm Not Dead

But I am not really feeling alive. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'm definitely in a funk. I'm not sure why. Probably stress. Living with Sybil, work, and kids make for a lot of stress.

I wish I could say my lack of posting means that Sybil and I had some sort of break through. Alas, it is more of the same. After nearly 17 years of marriage, we seem to be moving from romantic love towards agape love. Maybe that will be much deeper and satisfying? Sadly, all I want to do in bed is sleep.

Is this how affairs happen? When someone says, "I didn't mean for this to happen," are they in the same mental state as I? I've never believed that whole excuse. I will not be having an affair. The whole idea of having an affair is repugnant to me. The lingering pain that would cause is too much. Affairs are self-centered acts. Marriage is supposed to self-less. That being said, I do have more empathy for those that stray. The feeling of plodding along through life is a weight that is bearing down upon me.