Well, Sybil and I are stuck. She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment. She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend). I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail. Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.
During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago. There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out. Sybil did not like that. She felt that I was ignoring her. Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us. She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her. In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy. Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.
This is where Sybil is: stuck. I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her. I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money. Nope. All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored. To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical. I don't know how to break through and resolve things. I'm not sure it's possible. Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce. Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family. She is stuck. I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out. I want to be able to get out within an hour or less. Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable. I hope it does not come to that.
What are the reasons for divorce? Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity. Period. At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them. In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse. If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time. However, I am neither. No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy. I am not bound to make her happy. I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church. That is it. While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept. I pray she will.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
One piece of advice that has guided me well came from a jerk. He was a complete idiot and a terrible husband. All 3 times, and counting. But he did get one thing:
Never apologize unless it's genuine, never apologize again, don't apologize for something that either you didn't do or that wasn't wrong.
The first one is easyish, the second one is hard to impossible with an immature partner but can be done, the third is problematic because who's always correct in assessing?
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is when you apologize mean it and when pressed to do so again, don't. If you were sincere but it's rejected for not being so, don't play the game as hard as that can be.
Let her be stuck and continue on without antagonizing.
What's the worst that could happen? I mean, she's already 'destroyed'.
I have long admired your dogged faithfulness, both to Sybil and to God. I seriously doubt that I could sustain the same level of keeping on keeping on. . .
Well and truly do you understand that your husbandly duties don't (in fact, CAN'T) include making her happy; simply put, you have no control over her happiness.
Now, by way of (possibly unhelpful) commentary, I'll say that, as a Catholic, we don't DO divorce (not even for infidelity, if you believe what we say; and there are such things as marriages that recover from infidelity) (and yes, I know all about how easy it is to get annulments, at least in the US; but that's at least technically a different question). But, as a pastoral matter, we don't say that you have to continue to live together, most especially in cases of abuse; in fact it is quite possible that you all would be better off if you didn't live together. Which is a different matter than getting divorced. I understand that you have children who still live with you, and it may not be good to separate while the kids are still at home. And for heaven's sake, I wouldn't do anything like that without some strong pastoral input. But I just want to raise the point that divorce and separation are not the same thing, and you are not required to accept abuse in the name of staying married. . . At least, that's how us Catholics see it, and we do try to follow Christ as best we can. . .
Post a Comment