Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Powerless

Many times those that have been in a car wreck know that everything seems to slow down and no matter what the wreck still happened.  It's like the event was pre-ordained and no matter what there was going to be a wreck.  That's how it's going with us.  Here is a nice pic of what Sybil presented to me last night:        

Sybil in her altruistic way spent valuable time Googling, downloading, printing, and completing a divorce petition for me, or that was the reason she gave me.  I just do not know how to respond.  If I REALLY wanted a divorce, I would taken care of this myself.  I'm not the one that during every spat that isn't going my way starting saying I want a divorce. We seem to have one about every Sunday.  Makes for an interesting Monday.

Quick details for documentation's sake: Saturday morning I did not pickup the rent check because Son#2 had a parade (we didn't know).  I had something to do at the office and did not feel that I would have time to pick up the rent check and be back in time for the us to go to the parade.  I thought I communicated with Sybil, but I guess I did not.  Anyway, major blow up.  When I get home from office to go to the parade, she calls me and starts yelling.  It's stereo due to yelling from upstairs and into my phone.  Calls me a liar because I thought I had talked with her.  We got off of the phone.  I took Son#3 outside to play.  Thought about it.  Came back in, apologized, gave her affection, asked forgiveness, did not receive.  After the parade, we eventually get the rent check.  On the way, we go through the conversation again.  Sybil lets me know how hurtful it was that I did not follow through with the plan and communicate with her.  I was contrite and accepted responsibility.  Later that night, she got a text from Son#2 that Son #3 like Reese's candy.  I try to let her know that I have a weakness for these kinds of foods (she had just bought 2 packages of Chocolate Chunk cookies) and to not buy them.  I let her know that I struggle with sugar and may be a sugar addict.  Instead of trying show empathy or concern, she spends most of the conversation poking holes in my theory.  I get angry because, again, she does not seem to take my concerns seriously.  Sybil knew I was angry, and I know this because she told Son#2 that I was angry.  If the roles were reversed, she would expect me to confront and comfort her to assuage her angry towards me.  She did not do this with me.  I do not expect her to, because I will confront you if I have a problem with you.  Anyway, the next day during conversation I said made comments in a way she disapproved.  I don't think I was angry still (I never expected her to talk with me, and I knew that talking with her would go nowhere).  Later she asked, if she had done anything wrong and I told her no.  I told her I had apologized for the way my words came out.  Since she started the conversation, I took the opportunity to express my irritation (by now) with how she talked to me last evening.  Eventually, she gave a verbal apology.  Normally, I would accept it, but Sunday I could not.  Too many times I've apologized for the slightest infraction, and my apology not being good enough.  The reason Sybil would not accept my apology was the way it was delivered: no showing of true remorse and emotion in my delivery.  I did not hug and comfort her.  On Sunday I pointed out that Sybil did the same thing that I do to her.  I pointed out that her apology was no different than the way I deliver one and she was not following her dictum.  Her reply?  Full on snark.  She replied, "Since when did you become an expert on apologies?"  I gave her a chance to walk it back; she doubled down.  Things went downhill from there.  So she performed a web search, downloaded, printed, and completed a Petition for Divorce.  Her rationale is that she did it because that is what I wanted.

At this point, I do not know who is the crazy one.  I'm sure her point of view is different.  I'm sure she feels justified in doing and saying everything she did.  However, at no point during the 23 years of marriage did I present her with said Petition.  On about 3 occasions I have used the "Divorce" word in a heated moment.  Sybil has come to use during nearly every spat.  One thing I have come to realize is that we do not have the ability to resolve conflict.  I have to realize (because she has told me so) that I will never receive forgiveness for past transgressions.  I have come to realize that I must take steps for my protection.

Today I opened an account with an online bank.  I am resolving to set up some savings.  If she nukes our marriage, I have to be prepared.  My goal is to put enough money in the account to pay a lawyer to be on retainer and get a place to live.  I have to expect to be ejected from our house.  The Sword of Damocles hangs over me.  I hope to have several thousand dollars set aside within a year.  That may not be realistic, but that is my goal.  Sybil just does not understand the toll a divorce will take on her, the kids, and me.  It would devastate the kids; she would actually have to get a real job (she worked in her family's restaurant and has been working in my business after that); and we would be thrust into poverty.  Sybil has no concept of setting up and sticking to a budget.  In fairness, I struggle in that regard, too.

Developing...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well it's certainly not out of character for her to declare that this is what YOU wanted and that she's doing it FOR you so that she can act like it's all on you, that has been her MO. I'll give the same advice I recently gave my daughter: Find some money and set up a consultation with an attorney so that you can understand the ramifications and where you stand for your part of the country. Also, make sure you sit down and document every conversation on the subject from here on out just to be safe, my older brother did not pay close attention leading up to his wife leaving him and he had difficulty contesting her false claims of threats and the like.

Unless your state is extremely lax, that paper holds no weight until it is filed and you are served so you do have time (theoretically) to get yourself in order. Good luck .....

aphron said...

I've started taking steps. I've started an account with an online bank. I'm hoping to have enough money set aside to help me get settled and pay for an attorney. We'll see.

This blog will be my documentation. I've got the login. It's nearly impossible to document everything. It really is a daily occurrence. With the way divorce laws are written, I'm not sure it will do any good. Twenty-three years of marriage with her never worked outside of the home. She's never helped financially (in fairness, she helped in other ways).

Sybil feels that she is at a breaking point, whatever that means. For her to pull the trigger and file for a divorce would be something. She has a hard time making a decision, because she knows she has to live with the ramifications. Responsibility is an anathema to her.

Time will tell.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, no doubt there will be plenty of child support AND alimony for many years to come regardless of the state. And the courts don't recognize court costs as a deduction from all of that either.

And trust me when I say, should things go sideways you'll want any documentation you can get. Even 5 minutes worth a day can make a difference regardless of how painful it is.