I did it...I Went Full Retard

After over 23 years I've finally nailed down Sybil. She does have a personality disorder: Narcissistic.

Here's the situation that crystallized my thinking:

Two days ago, I had to be gone from sun up until sun down. I left the house at 5:30AM and did not get back until 7:30 PM.  During my absence, Sybil texted my that one of our cats had fecal matter stuck to her butt.  Apparently, it came off on my side of the bed. Ha Ha, right? I texted back dumb cat and please change sheets. Seven hours later, I come home and find that the sheets had not been changed. I expressed my extreme displeasure (I was pissed) and stormed off.  This set off a flurry of activity to change the sheets.  Naturally, Sybil was the opposite of contrite.  How could I get angry?  She stated that "I would never let me sleep on cat poop".  Since she had all of her work on the bed, moving it would impede her work.  According to Sybil, I was over reacting.  A long fight ensued. Since I was so tired that I could drop, I finally just said whatever and went to sleep.  Sybil never thought she did anything wrong.  She kept repeating, "I would never let you sleep on cat poop".

This exchange was illuminating.  For years I have been reacting instead of learning.  I was being knocked off balance instead of realizing that this is a gambit that Sybil uses.  During this whole episode, there was no statement of remorse for leaving soiled sheets on the bed.  It was only about how my demands inconvenienced her or I was over-reacting.  All I could think about was the incident with the seat warmer.  The incident where I did not turn her seat warmer on, so she felt that I did not really love her.  In my mind, a less than warm seat is not nearly as bad as leaving cat feces covered sheet on the bed for over SEVEN hours.  This where things became apparent that I am living with someone with narcissistic tendencies.  Both illuminate that it is all about Sybil.  She does not really love anyone but herself.  I'm not sure where I fit in her universe.  Question is does Sybil have narcissistic personality disorder?

Never go full retard.

Stay tuned.

Time for an Update

It's quiet...too quiet.  Sybil has pulled her anger back, started acting loving, and seems normal.  I'm left with my defenses on full alert.  After 23 years, I'm finally learning that this is the quiet before the storm.  Yeah, I'm that slow of a learner.

I'm really, really questioning her sanity.  What I used to chalk up to hormonal fluctuations, I know am wondering whether she is truly bipolar.  That is something I will be exploring in the coming days.  I'm starting to feel that she has highs and lows.

Something else I've noticed: "love bombing".  After periods of intense conflict, Sybil acts very loving, very sexual.  It seems that she kind of notices that she has gone too far and is trying to reel me back in.  What she does not see (and I've not discussed) is that each time she goes ballistic over an inconsequential thing, I put the shields up.  I trust her less and less.  I feel less and less connected.  I feel anxiety not knowing when the shoe will drop.

Stay tuned...

Did It Again

Careful, young Jedi.

"What are my goals for the new year?" asks Sybil.  Caught unawares, I state improve office efficiency, work on work/life balance, develop a hobby.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was supposed to say, "I am reflecting on myself as a person and will strive to improve upon myself, especially in the area of how selfish and uncaring I am."

I walked right into the trap.  I had no idea that Sybil was testing me to see what I was thinking and whether I cared enough about her feelings to make the necessary changes in myself to satisfy her.  She was disappointed that I never stated that was my intention.  I did not indicated that my goal this year was to strive towards self-improvement.

Naturally, an argument ensued.  Again, I was left trying to appeal to Sybil's feelings using reason.  A losing course of action.  One cannot oppose rhetoric with dialectic.  I am ill-equipped in the rhetoric department.  Losing proposition.

Of course, Sybil cannot see the hubris she has in demanding that I change.  Firstly, the change she wants is for me to focus on the little things.  We're not talking about me coming home drunk at 3 am, spending all of our money, nor having some sort of a problem chasing women.  Nope.  We're talking about turning the seat warmer on in the truck, making sure I pack her the right lunch, etc.  The things that really matter, right?

It almost feels like she is tying to push me into divorcing her.  Since I have taken divorce off of the table (religious reasons and 'for the children'), it will have to be Sybil that pulls the trigger.  Of course, my not willing to divorce her diminishes my leverage over her.

At this rate, the New Year will definitely be exciting.