After over 23 years I've finally nailed down Sybil. She does have a personality disorder: Narcissistic.
Here's the situation that crystallized my thinking:
Two days ago, I had to be gone from sun up until sun down. I left the house at 5:30AM and did not get back until 7:30 PM. During my absence, Sybil texted my that one of our cats had fecal matter stuck to her butt. Apparently, it came off on my side of the bed. Ha Ha, right? I texted back dumb cat and please change sheets. Seven hours later, I come home and find that the sheets had not been changed. I expressed my extreme displeasure (I was pissed) and stormed off. This set off a flurry of activity to change the sheets. Naturally, Sybil was the opposite of contrite. How could I get angry? She stated that "I would never let me sleep on cat poop". Since she had all of her work on the bed, moving it would impede her work. According to Sybil, I was over reacting. A long fight ensued. Since I was so tired that I could drop, I finally just said whatever and went to sleep. Sybil never thought she did anything wrong. She kept repeating, "I would never let you sleep on cat poop".
This exchange was illuminating. For years I have been reacting instead of learning. I was being knocked off balance instead of realizing that this is a gambit that Sybil uses. During this whole episode, there was no statement of remorse for leaving soiled sheets on the bed. It was only about how my demands inconvenienced her or I was over-reacting. All I could think about was the incident with the seat warmer. The incident where I did not turn her seat warmer on, so she felt that I did not really love her. In my mind, a less than warm seat is not nearly as bad as leaving cat feces covered sheet on the bed for over SEVEN hours. This where things became apparent that I am living with someone with narcissistic tendencies. Both illuminate that it is all about Sybil. She does not really love anyone but herself. I'm not sure where I fit in her universe. Question is does Sybil have narcissistic personality disorder?
Never go full retard.
Stay tuned.
7 comments:
Curiouser and curiouser ..... I'da just stripped the bed and tossed the sheets in the warshing machine .... but that's just me I guess.
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There is no treatment or medication for Personality Disorder. PD's will never have moments of introspective clarity, they will never see the error of their ways. There is no getting through to them -- when confronted about their toxic ways the PD will throw up roadblocks and defenses at every turn. They never allow themselves to be accountable for their bad behavior. It's like trying to nail jello to the wall -- there is no pinning a PD down, he or she will simply slip and slime and worm their way out of it. PD's rarely ever change, and in fact often get worse with age. If you are going to continue to live with your PD (and I totally get it, I'm stuck with mine as well), all you can do for your own health and sanity is to start establishing boundaries, and then stick to them. With white knuckles if necessary. This is not at all easy, because the PD will fight boundary making tooth and nail. And I mean aggressively. After all, they feel ENTITLED to being able to abuse you. The abuse of the PD's significant other is typically their Number One favorite method of stress relief, so why would they want to give that up? But if you are going to coexist with your PD for now and the foreseeable future, you will have to find a way to get those boundaries in place, my friend.....
The above was Part 2 of my message (Blogger not letting me post it all at once). This is Part I:
Bravo. I suggested as much on this very blog many moons ago. Sounds like a textbook case of Personality Disorder (NPD? BPD? Cluster B? Cluster C?) to me. Her incredible sense of entitlement. Her lack of empathy. Her lack of introspection and personal insight. Her irrational behavior. The constant shaming and guilting. The rages. The unrealistic expectations. The 're-writing' of history, when and as it suits her. The black and white thinking (aka: 'Splitting'). Her 'Push and Pull' tactics. The 'Love Bombing' (AKA "Hoovering", whereby they try to suck you back in to their graces, like a vacuum). The manipulations. The Drama Queens. It's all there. And I mean ALL there.
Xavier:
That was why I was so upset...I mean...all it would have taken was about 5 minutes to strip the bed and put clean sheets on. Basically, she didn't want to be put out.
Anon:
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. I was in denial for so many years. I thought, "Sure, she's expressive, but she's not crazy."
The reason this blog went kind of dark was I needed to make sense of things. While I'm not a mental health expert, Sybil has many of the same markers as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. While I refuse to be the one to quit (I've quit anything in my life), I'm at the point of about ready to get out. If Sybil asked for a divorce tomorrow (and she kind of did...she put it in terms of only doing what I want...see my earlier post with a copy of the document), I would do it. I guess it's male pride: I refuse to be the one that gave up. I know what I'm in for, though. I know that things will never really get better. Yes, I am seeing things get worse as she blames me for her life. No matter how many times I tell her that her happiness is her problem. It is what it is. With the surprise addition of Son#3 (he'll be 3 in April), the light at the end of the tunnel went out.
It's a really tough situation, with your little guy and all. I know the advice typically given to PD spouses is to bail, just get out (like it's that easy!), because PD relationships are so impossible and hopeless. Of course you have him to take in consideration and I understand entirely how and why it's keeping you in the game -- it has to, he's a baby and needs stability and security in his life. I totally get it.
All you can do is to try to make things a little better for yourself in what is essentially a no-win situation. As cliche as it sounds, the truth of the matter really is that you can't change the PD, you can only change yourself. If you haven't already, abandon now any hopes or ideals you may have been harboring of domestic/marital happiness or romantic love. Nope, pitch all of it (while letting yourself grieve), because that is no longer the goal. The goal now is simply to find a way to live your life in a bad situation in a way that makes it somewhat more tolerable for you. Your marriage will never, ever be 'good', or heck even functional -- too much damage has been done. But you have to find means to co-habitate and co-parent with your PD without unduly compromising your own mental health. She'll continue trying her hardest to bring you down. It's up to you to do your best to not let her.
It sounds as though you may be already mostly implementing the primary adaptive behavioral tactic when dealing with the PD, even if you likely aren't consciously aware of it. I did it instinctively for years before realizing it had a name and is actually a thing. It's called 'Gray Rock' (aka 'Medium Chill'), and it's literally what it sounds like. In dealing with the PD, one takes on the characteristics of a dull and boring old gray rock. You disengage emotionally from the PD. You maintain a calm detachment and relative flatness in your affect when interacting. Your expressions and tone remain neutral, a casual banality -- no matter what the PD is throwing out. It's very important not to give the appearance of actual withdrawal -- you maintain presence, while keeping it flat. You do not initiate, and never escalate. Keep your expectations to a minimum and quietly disassociate -- never asking for anything, and not calling attention to yourself as you fly quietly under the radar. You're not going out of your way to deliberately avoid, ignore, punish, tease or escape the PD. It's not about giving them the cold shoulder -- there is a difference. You are simply going about your life in a parallel existence with them in a way as to not get drawn in to their emotional dysfunction. You talk about the weather. You avoid being a target. You don't get personal, or offer opinions or advice. You 'listen', while keeping your responses to "Hmmm, how about that" or "Interesting" as you nod once in a while. You maintain a quiet even keel in bad and even good situations. And you never, ever J.A.D.E. (Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain.). If the PD is trying to test boundaries or provoke drama, you let it slide off, like water does a gray rock in the stream. It takes a lot of practice, and sometimes super-human effort when they are really pushing the envelope. But if you can at all manage it, consistent Gray Rocking can really help in diminishing the chronic emotional roller coaster dips and dives the PD attempts to force you into that are exhausting, humiliating and make you hate your life.....
And lastly, a few good 'Gray Rock'/'Medium Chill' as a survival technique reads...:
https://pnissila.wordpress.com/2015/01/25/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival-part-4-medium-chill-and-gray-rock/
http://www.dhyanna.net/how-to-use-medium-chill-to-improve-your-life-today/
http://www.kellevision.com/narcissism/2014/04/how-to-protect-yourself-from-a-narcissists-manipulation.html
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