Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Finally Starting to Click
It has taken an inordinate amount of time for things to become clear. We are all a product of our upbringing no matter how much we wish we could escape it. Therefore, I did not really know what normal behavior was. I mean, sure, I didn't like the way Sybil acts. My mother acts kind of crazy giving into fits of anger even rage; I thought that was a normal reaction to negative stimuli. My father, whom I have the highest respect for, did not really deal with my mother well. Instead of setting boundaries of behavior and calling her out for bad behavior, he tended to pull back and distance himself from her. Interestingly, after his retirement, he has kind "gone his own way". He does whatever he wants: camping, motorcycle riding, visiting friends. They don't even sleep together. He invites Mom, but he does not expect her to go (and probably does not want her to). Mom seems to not understand her part in their situation. She may have moments of crystal clarity, but she does not really see herself as the catalyst.
Ironically, Sybil has many of the same traits as Mom. That's why she does not really like my mother. Sybil, subconsciously, sees herself in her. The way Mom treats Dad is very similar to the way Sybil treats me: a lot snark. Who would wants to put up with that? So Dad disengaged. He ignores. Naturally, a PD person hates being ignored. This only aggravates the situation.
In other news...Sybil decided to start something again last night. I don't think I maintained my Medium Chill very well. I still think that I am dealing with a normal person and can appeal to their intellect. I always forget they are like the Terminator. Sybil is a high functioning PD, in my opinion. This makes it even worse because no one knows her like I do. Anyway, she feels that I am too disengaged, too remote, she needs verbal stimulation. That's code for she needs verbal drama. I recognize the trap. She wants me to unpack my heart, tell her my feelings, and then we can spend hours arguing why I am wrong to feel a certain way. I've seen this movie before; I know how it ends. Sybil doesn't really care how I feel; she only care that she is right. If she is right, then I must be wrong. Binary thinking. I can tell that I've got a lot of work ahead of me.