It is hard to fathom that a few weeks ago Sybil was talking about divorce, sleeping separately, me not "wooing" and "groveling at her feet", and now everything seems so normal. In the past I would be sucked in and start to lower my guard. Even before I realized that she has some major issues, I knew this was just a phase. The cycle would continue. Now that I believe that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at least many traits, I know this is temporary. I know that I will not be able to pedestalize her enough to keep feeding the hungry beast within her.
Maintaining Medium Chill has been a supreme effort. In the past, I would get stuck in a JADE loop of trying to convince Sybil that I had a valid point. Now, I just nod, agree, and try to live my life. What's the point in arguing with someone that does not see me as a worthy person? This knowledge is almost too much to bear, though. Knowing that the person I have given an oath to is so superficial that her oath is meaningless. Knowing that no matter what issues I have, unless I somehow acknowledge hers, then I am being selfish. I know that the one person in my life I should be able to communicate to is also the one person in my life I cannot trust with my thoughts and feelings. I am not even sure I like her as a person. While Sybil may not be as crazy as many out there, living with someone that gives daily, tiny, little verbal paper-cuts is exhausting.
Therefore, I am going to slowly integrate outside "selfish" activities that I know Sybil will never participate in. I have to have some space to breathe. I have to harden my inner core. I have to feign empathy to person that lacks empathy. I will continue the façade of being a loving, caring husband. I don't know how long that will last, though.
3 comments:
I know it's difficult to face the true realities of marriage to the PD once coming out of the FOG. There is a grieving process that must be gone through to let go of the relationship you thought you had, and/or wanted to have. Any wishes, hopes, aspirations and dreams you harbored for whatever you might have imagined to be your ideal relationship have to be reset, if not thrown out entirely, and it's a lot of adjustment to have to make. But it's important to continue working on oneself. This may not be something you actually ever wanted for yourself, but it's best to learn to be as emotionally self-reliant as you can, and really just become your own best friend. Believe it or not there are a few silver linings to going through all this. For one, I believe it truly can make one (the Non, that is) a stronger, more resilient person. It can actually lead to gains in personal development and growth -- and that's nothing to sneeze at really. So keep up the MC, as you set your sights toward some of those interests and hobbies you might have shelved over the years -- and enjoy your own good company....
Anon-
I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I will never have the complete, understanding, I guess loving relationship I want. In the grieving process, I'm at the Anger stage. I feel very angry towards myself, mainly. I keep replaying the beginning of our relationship trying to ascertain what the warning signs where.
The anger makes it very difficult to maintain Medium Chill.
Thanks for your help.
Indeed, it's a totally normal part of the process to feel angry in all this, and important to work through all the emotions that surface. Still, try not to be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20 for us all. Also, you did get what I"m certain are some really great kids out of the deal -- 4 precious, irreplaceable gifts :-)
In any case, maintain vigilance as you go forward practicing your MC. It is indeed a cycle, so it's important to keep an even-keel even during the periods when things are running a little more smoothly. Sounds as though she got lots off her chest with that recent letter writing campaign -- however, it is likely to build up all over again in time. Best to be prepared.
And you are certainly welcome, from someone who gets it -- happy to be able to help in this small way....
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