A Musical Interlude - Song Nails It

Love Me Dead

Ludo

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea
High-maintenance means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean

Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum
You're awful, I love you!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone

You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
Finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh
Love me dead! Love me dead!

Wow! Uh!

Love me cancerously
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh
Love me dead! Love me dead!

Oh, Love me dead!

Real Quick Post to Document My Personal Hell

Quick recap: the wife became "triggered" because I offered to share my (the problematic word) food with her, when I should have remembered (and therefore not asked) that we always share food from this particular take out place.  Since I did not remember it, then I must not remember anything else in our 24 year marriage.  Therefore, I do not love her because if I did I would remember that.  That was 3 days ago.

Last night, the wife became angry because I refused to bring up the conversation.  It angers her that I do not bring up conversations in which she is triggered.  For her I knew that she was hurting, so I should have confronted the situation and tried to bring resolution.  Since I refused to confront the situation, I, obviously, do not care about her.  To prove her anger with me, she placed a large pillow between us in the bed, and this morning she left without me to go to our office.   :o.  I feel that she is trying to suck me into some sort of verbal confrontation to fill the hole in her.  I've played this game before: she wants validation that she is correct to feel this way.  There is no real resolution.

I've tried to maintain medium chill and grey rock.  When she confronted me last night about all of this, I did not say anything.  After a long, long pregnant pause, she said, "I guess you're not going to say anything."  After a few more moments, I replied, "Right now, I'm too angry to talk about it.  If you really think that one thing defines our marriage, then I do not know what to say."  That was when the pillow was placed between us.  This morning she left to go to our office without saying goodbye...only a text, "Leaving."

Could I have handled that any differently?  I just don't know anymore.

Rage

I'M JUST BEING EXPRESSIVE!

Rage: violent, uncontrollable anger.

Abuse: to treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. 

On the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, the gender pronouns are in the feminine (because men are NEVER abused).  I wonder what kind of treatment I'd get, if I called.  Anyway, on the site's wheel, I see that I seem to fit many of the categories of abuse: using cohersion and threats; using intimidation; using emotional abuse; using isolation; and minimizing, denying and blaming.  The only categories not in use are male privilege (for obvious reasons) and economic abuse. 

Anyway, it is disconcerting that Sybil can go from 0 to pissed off in the literal blink of an eye.  It kept me off balance for so long.  I always seemed to be reactive.  Now I am focusing on being proactive.  The problem is it is kind of exhausting.  I can never relax around her.  I have to make sure I am vanilla in all of my statements and replys.  No longer am I worried (afraid?) about another episode.  Instead, I look at it as a complete waste of my life.  Looking back, I've wasted so much precious time worthlessly JADEing with Sybil.  Now, I just don't care.  I think that what was evident during our last bout.  That is why she was making threatening and abusive statements.  She wasn't getting the desired effect, so she has to ramp it up.   I am kind of numb.  I feel kind of like a hypocrit.  I am nice to her and tell her that I love her, but I know secretly I would rather live in a box under a bridge. Sobering.

It's amazing how when someone is in the thick of things, they do not even realize how bad it is.  Frog meet boiling water.

Same S@&t Different Day

I had posted earlier about dreading last weekend due to it being our anniversary.  Wife usually has some sort of melt down and ruins it.  Almost happened again.  She started probing by bringing up minor irritations about what transpired earlier that day.  Can't seem to say anything positive about the fact we stayed together 24 years (beating the odds in more ways than one).  Nope.  Anyway, I handled it by being the grey rock.  Rest of the night went fairly well.

Apparently, she was just saving it for later?  Last night had a major argument.  Our arguments go like this: wife gets triggered by something I said, didn't say, did, or didn't do.  This leads to her being upset.  Her upsettedness (not a word) is magnified because I do not humble myself at her feet.  She expects me to broach the subject of her being upset.  The longer she waits the more Tee'd off she becomes until she is, literally, throwing a fit.  So last night was no exception.  To top it all off, we have a guest staying with us.  Therefore, she had to with hold her rage. Additionally, I demanded that she not speak nor act disrespectfully towards me in front of the kids.  I guess she could no longer pack it in and how to let it out.  I heard myself being called a "selfish bastard" and "I should punch you in the face".  All because I didn't broach the subject of her hurt feelings.  I was always taught the aggrieved party does the confronting.

Some things will have to change. Since every bed was occupied, I had no where to go. My task is to pack a "go bag" with clothes and cash, just in case.  I need to investigate some sort of recording app for smart phones.  I need to sureptitously record these "conversations".

This is How Love Dies

Well, our 24th wedding anniversary is coming up.  Needless to say, I'm filled with fear and loathing.  I know it will turn to crap.  Just like every Valentine's Day, every Christmas (I always get her something; she hasn't given me a gift in years), countless birthdays, etc.  I know something will trigger Sybil; we'll have a huge argument; I will be cast as the villain; and she maintain her role as the martyr.  I will still go through the motions, but I am coming to the point of not caring.

Recently, had two episodes that, again, showed her true colors towards me.  In both episodes, we were alone having a dinner; in each episode she used our conversation as a platform to voice her problems with me; and in each episode I sit there thinking I hate being alone with her.  The capper was this week.  We took our kids to a sushi buffet we like; she is sitting with Son#3; I ask her if she wants anything as I am getting up; she answers no; and two days later she tells me that on the surface my gesture was nice but really I should know what she wants and get it for her.  The second episode was me bringing her heavy work bag downstairs; she didn't need me to do that; and instead, I should have asked her first.

Today, I am the a$$hole because I did not tell her how much I love her yesterday nor this morning.  I've pointed out that I am being mistreated and her issues are petty.  That's a trigger.  There's no way she mistreats me.  IF she does, then it's my fault because I do not grovel enough.  Therefore, I deserve it, because I've made her feel so terrible by how I treat her.

How can I love someone if she does not care about how she makes me feel?  In one of the dinner conversations, I told I felt like her comments were a "punch in the gut".  No response.  Wow.  In the second dinner conversation I just didn't care what she said.  I'm setting boundaries about not fighting over petty stuff (stuff from buffet, bringing down her bag).  However, I'm past the grieving stage and I guess I'm entering the apathetic stage.

I'm about at the point where I'd rather live in a cardboard box under the overpass than spend another minute with her.