Thursday, June 01, 2017

This is How Love Dies

Well, our 24th wedding anniversary is coming up.  Needless to say, I'm filled with fear and loathing.  I know it will turn to crap.  Just like every Valentine's Day, every Christmas (I always get her something; she hasn't given me a gift in years), countless birthdays, etc.  I know something will trigger Sybil; we'll have a huge argument; I will be cast as the villain; and she maintain her role as the martyr.  I will still go through the motions, but I am coming to the point of not caring.

Recently, had two episodes that, again, showed her true colors towards me.  In both episodes, we were alone having a dinner; in each episode she used our conversation as a platform to voice her problems with me; and in each episode I sit there thinking I hate being alone with her.  The capper was this week.  We took our kids to a sushi buffet we like; she is sitting with Son#3; I ask her if she wants anything as I am getting up; she answers no; and two days later she tells me that on the surface my gesture was nice but really I should know what she wants and get it for her.  The second episode was me bringing her heavy work bag downstairs; she didn't need me to do that; and instead, I should have asked her first.

Today, I am the a$$hole because I did not tell her how much I love her yesterday nor this morning.  I've pointed out that I am being mistreated and her issues are petty.  That's a trigger.  There's no way she mistreats me.  IF she does, then it's my fault because I do not grovel enough.  Therefore, I deserve it, because I've made her feel so terrible by how I treat her.

How can I love someone if she does not care about how she makes me feel?  In one of the dinner conversations, I told I felt like her comments were a "punch in the gut".  No response.  Wow.  In the second dinner conversation I just didn't care what she said.  I'm setting boundaries about not fighting over petty stuff (stuff from buffet, bringing down her bag).  However, I'm past the grieving stage and I guess I'm entering the apathetic stage.

I'm about at the point where I'd rather live in a cardboard box under the overpass than spend another minute with her.


At 6/03/2017 08:23:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's so ridiculous when they expect you to mind read. Although likely even if you had returned with a tasty tidbit from the buffet unprompted (How dare you presume and waste food!), or hadn't graciously carried her tote down (How unchivilarous of you, do you never think of me?), it still would have been exactly the wrong thing. Because that is the PD loop she is permanently entrenched within -- as her safe chosen target, her PD mission in life simply being to find you at fault for EVERYTHING. No matter how unreasonable or unfair. Whatever you do (and I do mean anything, because it's firmly a 'damned if you do, and damned if you don't' situation) it's going to be wrong, wrong, oh-so-very-WRONG in her eyes. Down to your very existence. And all because she can't face or acknowledge her own inner demons -- she must instead cast all the self-loathing, insecurities and vitriol within herself onto you (in order to build herself up). So you will always be wrong and at fault, in any and all situations. She will never allow herself to be satisfied or appeased, ever. Eventually the Non has to give up in the face of such futility -- entering a state of 'learned helplessnes', whereby you just don't even bother to try anything anymore. Which, fair warning, she will be also able to sense also and then hate you all the more for that as well. Love for a PD is a losing proposition, and that's all there is to it....

At 6/03/2017 08:47:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's for this reason, while I'm sorry to hear you are falling out of love with your PD (sad), I'm also encouraged to hear it. It's really the only reasonable and natural outcome in the face of such abuse. And also because, as counterintuitive as it sounds, falling out of love actually makes life with the PD easier. Ironic, isn't it? Lack of romantic love in any "normal" marriage would spell doom -- but in a PD marriage, with all its PD shenanigans, especially one in which you are stuck for the long haul, believe it or not it actually makes things more tolerable. More liveable. I guess it just boils down to survival? By cutting her free, if even only within your mind, you can move on, to focus on yourself a little bit and live your own life as best you can. I'm not talking about hating her, wishing her any ill will, seeking revenge, carrying on with others or anything like that -- that's not what this is about. It's simply settling into a place of...I guess of just objectivity. The objectivity can really help when faced with ongoing, long-term and irreconcilable PD abuse. It can actually lessen the hurt and pain, if even just a bit. So go ahead and allow yourself fall a little out of love with your PD (while still maintaining your marriage), as you turn inward and work to become your own best friend. In hopeless circumstances like these, it's not wrong.....

At 6/07/2017 05:46:00 AM, Blogger aphron said...

Thanks for the comments, as always. As I move through the stages of grief, I find myself going back and forth between anger and sadness. Angry at myself and sad for what has happened. Maybe sad for what could have been.

Anyway, this weekend approaches and, like an accident in slow motion, I feel powerless to stop what I know will happen.


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