Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Stuck

Here we are...

So, I've been really trying to buckle down and figure out how to handle myself with Sybil.  It's tough to unlearn bad habits.  It's tough to de-program oneself from all of the negative comments over such a long time.  I've endured so many times being called selfish.  I endured cognitive dissonance due to being called selfish, yet that not "jiving" with my reality.  Having my self-esteem systematically taken away, I started to really believe Sybil.  Fortunately, I never really truly believed her.  I knew there was no way I was that bad.  I earned 100% of the money, took an active role in rearing our children, did as much or more housework, I actively listened to her complaints, yet I was being called selfish.

Over time, I had comments on this blog from folks that were trying to point me in the right direction (God bless 'em!).  I was stuck because many would use Borderline Personality Disorder.  The thing that kept me from buying into BPD was the tendency for those with BPD to be impetuous.  Sybil is a lot of things, but she is not impetuous.  She has never thrown caution to the wind and done anything "spur of the moment".  Since I just could not square her as having BPD with my real life experiences, I plodded on.  All of the while knowing that something was not quite right.  The rages over perceived slights kept me knowing something was off.  Who cancels a Christmas visit with my family because I happened to look at a TV, instead of help her with Christmas cards (which I never asked her to do in the first place)?  No sane person would do that.  I could go on and on with more examples.  This blog has been a testimony to something not being quite right with Sybil.

Sadly, there is something not quite right with me, too.  Who would put up with this abuse?  Does a normal, well-adjusted person continue a relationship with the type of person I've documented?  Maybe some of the reasons I have been in denial for so long is the realization that maybe I am the one with the problem.  That's a big pill to swallow.  Selective amnesia helps, too.  During the love bombing phase, I always tell myself, "Now everything will be normal.  She will be loving, patient, and understanding."  Hope springs eternal.  Over time, I did become callous, scarred.  I loved a little less.  Sybil seemed to sense that I was pulling away, so she stepped up her antics.  I think a normal person would try to find a way to heal the person they loved.  Normal...what is normal?  Part of the problem is she will not accept responsibility for her actions.  The other side of the coin is that I keep trying to get her see my point of view...JADEing.

Now we are here.  Kind of coasting.  No longer willing to open up and express my thoughts and feelings.  It is pointless.  I have started to internalize the waste of time and energy that is.  Sybil will never see beyond her thoughts and feelings.  She is incapable of empathy at least in my case.  We're stuck.

2 Comments:

At 8/23/2017 07:27:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are continuing to process and that's good. I know it's hard, but at some point it is important to let go of some of that hopefullness, and maybe just sort of accept your reality for what it actually is. It's difficult because it means letting go of some of your dreams and visions for your life, your marriage. But that's what it is -- your life. Haven't you spent enough endless hours worrying and obsessing over her and her rigid unchangeable PD ways....? It's time to focus on yourself, if even just a little. It is *not* selfish to do so. Find what you have to do (within the marriage naturally, you have your toddler to consider) to make life just a little more pleasant for yourself. Revisit some personal hobbies or interests, even if it leaves her a little bit behind. She's the one that's truly "stuck" -- stuck forever in her own little Sybil PD bubble. But you are the one that can actually rise above. You can actually live somewhat "parallel" to her, while still giving your son a secure home and stable childhood. Is it far from ideal? Of course, but what choice do you have....? Sybil is forever fated to be an unhappy, soul-sucking black hole of a person. Yes, she is your spousevand you made certain promises -- still, you have a right to try to find a little inner peace for yourself.

 
At 8/24/2017 02:39:00 PM, Blogger aphron said...

I appreciate your comment. Intellectually I have no problem processing it. I know it. Emotionally I struggle with it. I probably always will. Having said that, I know I am making slow, painful progress. I just won't take being bullied anymore.

Thanks for you insight. I'm still going to be posting the same stuff, but it helps to know I'm not totally crazy. Just a little bit...I stayed with her for 24 years.

 

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