Saturday, August 05, 2017

Unlearning Bad Habits Might be Impossible!

It was Friday, so it must be time to for the weekend.  To mark the occasion, we had a fight.  Naturally, Sybil did not see my side of things.  If I had only done X, Y, or Z, I would have, magically, gotten what I need.

On Wednesday night, we had kind of planned to be intimate.  I came into room; Sybil was looking at phone (Facebook) and watching her reality TV (Housewives of Something); she did not acknowledge my presence; finally, I asked her to turn off the lights; she did; and she stated, "I guess we're not going to have sex tonight."  Like a sad sack (codependent?) , I tried to make amends, but she was not having it.

Fast forward to Thursday morning, Sybil asks if there is anything I was thinking about.  I brought up last night.  I told her that I felt ignored and the coup de grace was her passive aggressive comment.  I tried to be low key, but Sybil felt threatened, naturally.  She started railing against me.  We drove to the office.  I have to leave for a meeting, and she asks me, "Do I remember what I said to her last night?"  I told her we would talk later (big mistake on my part).  I did not bring it up again.

Friday afternoon comes around.  Sybil is agitated because I did not bring up the conversation.  Round and round we go.  She never takes any responsibility (I know...I know).  I even get blamed for her having to be on her phone (monitoring a Facebook group for our work, and I've made comments about all of the red alert numbers on her phone so has to clear those out of respect for me).  I was supposed to make the moves on someone looking at a screen (phone and TV) and did not act like I existed.  I was supposed to climb over the pillow between us (yep, still there).  I was supposed to bring up my irritation with her comment and the situation that night (never mind that it was late and we were tired).  Sybil never, ever said, "You know, you're right.  I could have been a little more attentive."  Nope.  I just need two lousy sentences.  Not going to happen

I just don't seem to be getting anywhere.  I just can't seem to keep my thoughts and comments to myself.  Insanity is the belief in doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  I keep expecting Sybil to somehow give me a normal response.  I don't know why; I've never gotten it yet.  Nope, I have to keep JADEing.  I have some insane urge to actually try to open up to my wife.  I find myself becoming negative and bitter.  Normally, I am a pretty laid back, happy-go-lucky guy.  Now, everything seems to irritate me.  I seem to see the negatives in life.  I have to build those walls (boundaries?) or I'll be sucked down into the quagmire.

"I wish the sky wasn't blue.  I wish water wasn't wet.  I wish I didn't love my wife."
 Joe Hallenbeck
The Last Boy Scout


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