Documenting Stuff

Well, I'm glad that weekend is over.  Naturally, it ended on a low note.  Sybil is under a lot of stress right now: we have the older 2 kids becoming engaged, we hired a new employee at our business, and she feel anxiety because she is behind in her work.  This creates bad ju-ju for Aphron.  Last night I, literally, had to talk back into coming home.  I did not want to.  I had to because we have that little guy and his needs are more important than ours (mine anyway).

Things kicked off with son #1's proposal to his long-time girlfriend.  Sybil was unable to be there to experience it.  She relied upon me to give her all of the juicy details.  Naturally, I failed her.  She became hurt because I did not tell her everything and she had to ask for the details.  Her word is "probe".  This made her feel like she was left our of the whole thing.  I sent pictures and video of the proposal.  I tried to give her a play-by-play, but my stuff was too vague for her.  Therefore, I just do not care about her.  I only care about what I care about.

Last night Sybil was wanting to go to the office to spend some time trying to get things ready for the new hire.  I needed to do some stuff and tried to not go to the office.  I explained that I could work on things at home.  I plead my case, explaining I need a couple of hours to get stuff done.  Since I did not state that Sybil needed to do some things, too, I do not care about her.  I only care about myself; she is an omission.

I have committed unspeakable acts of only caring about myself.  It is obvious that Sybil is unimportant in my life.  Therefore, I must be punished.  Last night I had to talk her into not leaving the family.  Deep in my heart I think one of us should have left.  My main thought was the little guy.  When I told I would like for her to come home, she stated that she is not going to babysit.  I thought he was OUR kid and did not need us to baby sit.  I tried to reassure her that she is not an "omission" but an important part of my life.  I fell back into bad habits: JADEing, circular arguments, etc.  She goaded me into giving her an emotional response.  It's like an alcoholic that fell off the wagon.  Naturally, this did not really solve anything.  This morning Sybil is crying, keeps telling me that I make her feel like an omission, etc.  Nothing was solved.  Nothing will be solved.  I think I have to leave.  I really, really do not want to leave.  I take all of this to try to keep things "normal" for the little guy.