Tuesday, February 05, 2019

Survival Mode

Well, we're still together.  Naturally, not a day goes by (literally!) where Sybil does not find something to complain about me.  I cannot remember when the last time she made a positive comment.  At one point I told her that, if she wants a divorce, then she should just do it.  Quit messing around.  So far she has not.  I truly think that she is hoping to push me into divorcing her.  That way she can claim the high road.  Maybe I am too.

I have been putting off having a very painful conversation with Sybil about finances.  Frankly, our finances are in the toilet.  Our credit card balances really ballooned last year.  When pressed for an answer, Sybil cannot really give me one.  Ultimately, I feel that I have failed.  Realizing my weakness in regards to organization, I let Sybil deal with the household bills.  While she does do a better job of keeping us organized on paying bills, she really sucks at budgeting and discipline.  Sadly, I took the path of least resistance, and our finances have taken a hit.  I know that broaching this subject in a meaningful way will make Sybil feel blamed and cause her to lash out.  However, we cannot go on like this.

The event that really brought things into focus was a business seminar.  In the seminar one of the speakers was talking about budgeting.  From there he went into creating a system to make one become disciplined on spending.  It sounded good to me because it made perfect sense and seemed fairly simple.  Naturally, Sybil became mildly upset.  She told me that she was trying to get me to implement this system (she had not) a while ago and to make things more organized (fairly true).  Her system helps one with organizing bills by creating a spreadsheet that lists all of the things that need to be paid, when they need to be paid, and what their balance is.  It does nothing for budgeting.  It does not systematically change how things are done.  I know this to be true.  How do I know this? I know this to be true because of how our finances are today.  We have zero savings and nearly six figure credit card debt. 

Since Sybil cannot accept responsibility for anything, she blames me for the debt.  Now, the debt was from a horrible IRS audit.  We owed a lot in taxes, because our CPA was clueless and gave us bad advice.  That was EIGHT years ago.  Any debt that accumulated from that audit should have been paid off by now...if WE were disciplined.  Sadly, Sybil has used that audit as a metaphorical cudgel to bash me over the head.  She wanted to fire the CPA...not for incompetence...but because he spoke to her in a disrespectful manner.  I took the blame for the audit, and the financial stuff it caused because I felt that I should have known, somehow.  Looking back, that was a mistake.  She was at every single meeting with the CPA.  In that meeting every single time, all she would talk about was how much we are paying in taxes.  Since Sybil has the emotional age of 7, she does not see that, maybe, she has some role to play in that mess.

When I brought up the credit card issue, Sybil actually mentioned the audit from EIGHT years ago.  Mark Twain was right: denial isn't just a river in Egypt.  How can an event from EIGHT years ago cause our credit card debt to balloon up last year?  Since I do not see her making any changes to how she does things, I will have to.  I know that she will bring on the full court press of manipulation, shaming, guilt, etc.  I know that I will be painted as the bad guy for bringing order to chaos.  I will be surprised if we are still together at the end of the year. 

After the last blow up (I didn't write about it...basically it stemmed from me stating that I FEEL that she being a bully and "pounding on me"...she stormed out of the house threatening...wait for it...divorce), I know that things will get worse instead of better.  This brings me to point of the post: Survival Mode.  I have to realize a few things: Sybil cannot keep a house, does little cleaning, almost no cooking.  As for the office stuff, a lot of what Sybil does is "rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic".  It looks like she is really busy, but in reality she stays bogged down in tasks that could be delegated or done more easily.  By striving for 100% error free work, she gets very little done.  Therefore, I am starting to realize more and more that I need Sybil less and less.  I need little and want for less than I used to.  If she makes good on her threat, then I know I will come out the other side better off in many ways.  So sad.


Tired said...

My Sybil lacks the theatrics yours does, but the result is essentially the same—dysfunctional relationship at best and realistically an abusive one. I’ve lurked and read your blog for more than a year now, and it pains me to hear what you’re going through. I can empathize. It might be small consolation that there are others in your own shoes, but that does little to help daily strife. I wish you my best, brother.

aphron said...

I have come to realize that there are many on the spectrum. They seem to be hiding in plain sight. The hard part is discerning they are crazy before marrying them. Stay strong.