Sunday, February 09, 2020

A Brief Overview



If being married to Sybil is so bad, why have I stayed?  Like many things the answer is complicated.  We can simplify it to FOG:

Fear.  "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration".  - Dune Frank Herbert.
     What do I have to fear?  Certainly not death nor dismemberment.  No, the fear I have is, somehow,  ruining our children's lives.  I know the statistics and children of divorce do not do as well in life as children from intact families.  I fear screwing up my children's lives before they are really started.  I fear failure.  Failing to live up to the standards I have set for myself.

Obligation.  I have a very strong sense of obligation.  Of three aspects of the FOG, obligation is my downfall, and Sybil knows this.  I have made a vow to her, and I strive to be an honorable person and keep my vows.  Without honor what are we?  This realization has made me realize that I can never have real leverage against Sybil.  I took divorce off the table.  I will not file for divorce, unless some unknown something occurs.  I guess in some way this is a for of narcissism.  I feel that to be dishonorable is a reflection on myself; I care about I appear.  Morally, there is no question.

Guilt. Right now I have no guilt.  While in some ways I feel that Sybil is my nemesis to my past hubris and is the price a pay.  A kind of penitence.  I must serve this sentence for past crimes.  Let us say that in my youth I was impertinent.  However, this is not a compelling reason.  I feel that any wrongs I have caused have been more than rectified.

There you have it, dear reader.  Of these reasons of staying with someone that makes life unbearable, I would say that Obligation is the biggest for me.  It is a strong motivator for me.  Fear and guilt have less hold over me.

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