In an earlier post, I discussed conflict. Now, when I was younger, I hated conflict. I did not enjoy the anxiety it produced in me. My nerves would start unraveling, and I would use a quick joke to lighten the mood.
As I am older, I still do not enjoy conflict, but I recognize that it can be a positive thing. If BOTH parties are seeking an understanding and a consensus. If one party is just wanting to "win" then that means someone is a "loser". That path does not lead to growth in an intimate relationship. Sadly, it only leads to a simmering resentment. I have come to realize that I suffer from this resentment.
My resentment stems from years and years (decades really) of pointless conflict. This conflict never really seems to resolve anything, and many times feels more like a winner versus a loser. Since Sybil never really ever sees how she projects onto me, I can only be the loser. How can I "win" if her approach is to subjugate? How is that using conflict for a force for good.
To wit, last night Sybil does her usual thing of manipulation. Her statement of "can you put lotion on my back" is code that she wants to have sex. Now, I realize many men are in a sexless marriage and would kill for that. Sex was never our problem. Anyway, I am putting lotion on her back (as requested) while she, literally, lays there watching TV. Not doing anything. Unmoving. I get tired of this, it is getting late and time for my therapy (nightly exercise session). I'm kind of turned off by her lack of attention, so I go exercise. I know, I know her awesomeness in allowing me to touch her should be all that is needed to "get my motor running". She has even said that. I have always thought she is joking, but last night it was obvious: I am only there to serve her in whatever fashion she desires. I am there to serve her whims.
Flash forward to this morning. Sybil makes it known that she is disappointed that I seemed to not care about sex with her last night. I chose to watch TV (as I was giving her a back rub) and did my nightly exercise ritual. She felt like she was not the center of the universe. I thought about it; I told her that I can see why she might feel that way; while exercising is very important to me for both mental and physical help, I can see why she felt that way; and I will show her that she is more important. Basically, agreeing with her and letting her know that I will take the necessary steps to change things. I am the LOSER.
Here's why: Sybil was not satisfied with that answer. She starts using that as a broad "attack" to air her generalized feelings of being not a high priority. I care more about the kids, exercise, the office (that one is TOTAL projection). She is not even in the top five. At this point I am starting to feel like a sucker...again. Once again, I feel like I gave Sybil and opening and she went for it. I continue to be the villain in her story. Now, I see it for what it is: gaslighting. She is using techniques to make me change my reality. This is so common with her. She'll start with a fairly legitimate issue and then expand it in an effort to make start believing that by doing what I did that I don't ever show her love.
Yes, I am a sucker. I am a slow learner. However, Sybil may have a point. I do think that I have...kind of...dissociated myself. I have built up walls and defenses; I have worked to keep my engagement with her superficial. This way I cannot be taken advantage of.
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