It's hard to believe that I've been blogging about this stuff for 15 years. I realized this a couple of days ago. I just checked...yup...February 2005. I missed the actual anniversary. Let's take stock...
First of all, any woman contemplating becoming a wife should read this article. I checked off about 7 out of 10 things that Sybil does on a routine basis. Mainly she just creates a ton of drama. This has not changed, nor do I expect it to. We are the same people. I have started working on myself over the years, so I work very hard to keep it together. Still, she knows all of my buttons and knows how to push them. I still struggle maintaining Grey Rock and Medium Chill. I know that I am delaying the inevitable. The center cannot hold. A relationship cannot remain, if one person keeps creating drama.
An easy example, yesterday I came to Sybil to discuss the plans for the day. I told her that I need to mow the grass at the office and the rental house. It was 10:30 in the morning and I should be done a little after lunch. My simple, innocent suggestion was the wrong thing. See, I did not include her. It was only what I wanted to do, and I did not include her. Therefore, that proves that I only care about what I want; I could care less about her. So...this led to a day long argument with the chores being done at a much later time. Because of her drama, we wasted the whole day. We didn't start the chores until 5 pm and by the time we finished we barely had time to eat dinner.
This episode encapsulates our lives. We have wasted, literally, years over petty bickering because Sybil was triggered. It feels like that she must know where I am and what I am doing at all times. She must feel included in the decision making process. Sybil has no concept of division of labor. In this grass mowing incident, we could have gotten the chores done (hers and mine) and still had time for a relaxing afternoon. Sadly, she was triggered, so we had a tense most of the day, followed by completing the most of the (not all) of the mowing. The day ended with her finding something else to complain about me.
Throughout all of this, I have realized I am a massive cautionary tale. A huge joke. I have become that shining example of what not to do. I know there are ways to extricate myself, and I believe that will happen. There is only so much someone can take.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
3 comments:
It's been years since I visited this site.
And, I am not married. Btw, I love that article you shared.
Tbh, I try hard not do commit any of those things.
It is a struggle not to. However, I guess, if you do not without overdoing it and without malice, it will be all good. I don't know.
I am reading this now and I reflect and tell myself, I can by Sybil in many ways.
However, I do not push it to the top. I compromise. And there are just things that I let go.
I think she is aware of what is happening. And if she feels scorned, it is when she steps on the gas and floor it. Whatever is her intention...she will one day appreciate that you are permissive of her.
Permissive...that's an interesting word. Yes, I'd say that I've been too permissive for various reasons. That's not a good thing. Pushing those boundaries a little at a time will lead to an outcome that is less than desirable.
We all have tendencies. What separates "normals" from those on the narcissistic spectrum is our ability to see how our actions affect others and try to keep it from happening again. Maybe apologize or something. The disordered always see their actions as not their responsibility. Abusers never see themselves as the bad guy. They are "hitting" you because you made them do it.
You said it well. Such a relief. I still feel bad, and try to so hard not to push it anyway.
;)
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