I was going to post on some the comments about Sybil feeling that she isn't being taken seriously. I will post about that later. It is an important topic and tends to be a running theme in our arguments.
Instead, I will post about my weekend. I know, faithful reader, that you have been waiting to see what comes next in the Aphron and Sybil saga. Well, wait no further.
In typical fashion, Sybil and I took one step forward and two steps backward. Friday night was met with a long argument complete with tears from both of us. Basically, she is feeling that she has come to the end of her rope. Sybil feels that she cannot continue with me. My selfishness has led to resentment of me on her part. What brought that up? Well, we had sex the night before, and she asked about why I initiated it. I explained that I am learning to cope with her emotional outbursts, and it had taken time for me to be able to do that. See, I had no right to feel anger at being yelled and embarrassed in front of Daughter and in the restaurant. If I simply stopped trying to defend my action of coming home for lunch based on an assumption from faulty information, Sybil would not have had to yell at me. If I had tried harder to see things from her point of view, then she would have accepted my apology and everything would have been fine. So the gist of this past Friday night was this: I made Sybil lose her cool, I would not stop thinking only of myself, and I refused to try to put myself in her shoes. She was done trying.
On Saturday, Sybil and I had a sort of reconciliation. She informed me that she wasn't going to leave or anything. I explained that I would work harder on trying to put myself in her shoes. Things were looking up. Then last night happened.
After coming home from church-sponsored caroling and hayride, we stopped at the house of Son#1 to pick him up. Sybil went to the front door of the house to get him. A few minutes later Son#1 gets out of the house, rides his scooter around a bit, and then gets into the car. I ask why chose the scooter over his bicycle, and we have a conversation about that. After about a minute or two, Sybil gets into the car. That's when the fun started. She asked why no one told her that Son#1 was in the car. She wanted to know, if Son#1 had told me that he hadn't seen her. He told her no and apologized. Sybil asked me, if I asked Son#1 if he had seen her. I said no because I assumed she was talking inside and knew that Son#1 was with me. I didn't apologize at the time. That was strike three.
Sybil became "mildly irritated" (her words), and we had a two and half hour argument. What came out of the argument is same stuff: I fail to put myself in her shoes, I fail to be put her first, and I fail to set a good example for my son. When she came to the car, that was my cue to ask about her knowing Son#1 was with me. I blew it by not asking, and therefore, failing as mentioned above.
How does one predict what someone would do? I would have to know Sybil inside and out. Although I feel that I know her pretty well, we are so different on our perception of how to handle details. I have a difficult time assigning the same weight to every situation that she does. If I had paid a little more attention to detail by confirming information and not assuming, I would not be in this situation.
The sinking feeling is Sybil is making noise about being "done." How do I make the necessary changes in my behavior? Should I make the necessary changes? Is a person able to make those necessary changes?
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
11 comments:
Aphron, I honestly have no idea what to say. . .
'Necessary' tho the changes may be, the only way for you to make them is to become a mind-reader. Good luck with that.
I don't know you or Sybil well enough to have any kind of 'realistic' appraisal of your situation, but you describe her as a kind of emotional terrorist. I really have no idea what I'd do in your shoes. Based on what I read in you blog, I can easily imagine myself 'checking out' of the relationship emotionally; not that that would be right, or wise, or helpful - it would probably be none of those things - but I can easily imagine myself doing it.
You know, if she won't go to counseling w/you, maybe there is something to be gained from you going just on your own behalf. Because my friend, you need some help dealing with all this. Part of the trick would be finding a counselor who would respect your commitment to the marriage and wouldn't just tell you to bag it. . .
desmond jones-
It is very hard not to "check out" emotionally. Admittedly, that is one of the things Sybil berates me about. In fairness to her, I am, probably, emotionally stunted. The counseling thing may have to come about. The path we're on seems not to be working very well. Unfortunately, she totall against counseling.
Aphron, I tend to agree that counseling probably would be very beneficial. You might ask her sometime if she is so very unhappy and is close to feeling "done" why she won't give counseling a try. It really is a small thing to do compared with staying miserable or leaving. It's not very fair to indicate that she is giving up on the marriage but refuses to do anything to make it better. If she is as miserable as she makes out, then I don't see how she can argue with a suggestion that might make her happier.
Not to sound like a broken record or anything, but counseling does sound like the way to go if you can get her to go with you.
Other than that, I've got nothing for you. The more I read the more I realize that Sybil is way far over on the side of unreasonable even farther than I ever was, and I was pretty far over there for a while.
I also suggest counseling. If sybil won't go, then just fall on the sword and say that it's so she can help YOU learn how to better communicate (the therapist will, of course, see that the problem is not entirely yourse).
Honestly, I don't even understand what this argument / conversation was about. Your kid got in the car while Sybil was inside talking to somebody, and she got mad at you? I don't even understand what there is to be mad about.
all-
I appreciate you comments. While counseling is not totally dead for me, it is definite on life-support for us. Although I tend to be independent and unwilling to take advice (of course I am writing this blog), I am considering counseling for myself. If for no other reason, than helping me learn coping mechanisms.
True to her namesake, Sybil is acting happy and normal. How does one know if one is bipolar?
Learning coping mechanisms is exactly what you need, bro. . .
One thing that has helped me is to understand my wife's love languages. I still get it wrong a lot, but less than I used to (right honey?)
There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" or something to that affect that may help you to put yourself in her shoes.
recovering soul-
Many here have recommended that book. I'll have to check it out. Thanks.
From my own experiences of a similar nature, my opinion would be, "it really doesn't matter" if you make the changes or not (fogetting for a momment if they are even possible).
Most likely, when she is feeling "done" regardless of what you do change, she will seek and find the one thing you "missed" or create something new to be annoyed at.
On a side note, usually a person who is "done" stops talking about being "done" So just keep that in the back of your head.
joe-
I do feel that nothing is good enough. The goal posts keep getting moved. As for being "done", that is a good point. If she were truly done, then she would have started distancing herself.
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