Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm pretty swamped at work, and kids' activities keep us hopping.
I'm not taking a break from blogging, just a break from "Sybil bashing." Sort of.
One of the running themes in the blogs I read is the clashing of libidos. In one of the extreme cases is Digger's. I haven't really talked much about our sex life. It seemed that I had bigger fish to fry. Personally, I do not think it is possible to have a completely matched libido for a couple. No couple agrees on everything, and sex is no different. However, if a pair's libido is two far apart, then problems can arise. The partner not getting satisfaction may come to resent the other partner. This resentment can affect other areas of the relationship. For the partner being "badgered about being buggered", he/she can resent the constant nagging. Resentment can then set in, and you know the rest.
In our case, Sybil would say that she has the higher libido. I would agree with that. She is either in the mood or can be put into the mood. She is very excitable. This would seem to be heavenly for most men. I read other's blogs and read tales of frigid wives. In that regard I am thankful.
I am amazed and a little concerned about my waning desire for sex. The excuse I used was stress. Having a stressful job, running to a thousand activities with the kids and having a stressful home life seemed to be the reason for my lack of desire. By the time I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. This lack of desire was such a departure from how I used to be that I was beginning to become concerned. Is it normal for a normal, healthy man to not want sex? Our society paints men as slobbering Neanderthals wanting sex all of the time. I admit to the slobbering part, but what about sex?
Over time I have come to the conclusion that my lowered libido isn't about stress at work. I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of my life. One of Sybil's favorite things to get mad at me about is my lack of communicating about work. When I get home, I don't want to relive the day. I just want to relax. She feels that I am excluding her, and to some point I am. As bad as that is, the reason for my lowered libido, I believe, is my home life. Our constant battles over crap leaves me battered and bruised and in no mood for any intimacy. Sybil's ability to sweat the small stuff constantly wears on my frayed nerves. I am the opposite. I really feel that my life is so much better than 9/10 of the world's population. What do I have to stress about? In the scheme of things, worrying about every, single thing is a waste of time. Even if we take care of everything in a timely manner, so what? We'll be dead in 50 to 60 years. Why can't we kick back and have a good time?
Let me give an example. Last spring, I was trying to plan a get away with the family during the kids' spring break. Every idea was shot down, because Sybil didn't want to go anywhere. I even scheduled myself off for a week. Losing money in the process. What did we do? Nothing. In over 13 years of marriage, we have NEVER had a real vacation. We take trips: conventions, family visits, etc., but never to just load up the car and go. My kids have never seen a beach. Sybil has never seen a beach. We never "de-stress".
Continued...
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
8 comments:
I think your reason for not wanting sex makes complete and total sense. Sex is pretty much the most intimate thing you can do with another person. If you don't feel emotionally close, it is hard to feel a desire for physical closeness too.
It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or how you work, just that you have another need not being met that directly ties into your physical one.
You've said a lot of crazy things about your wife, but I think her unwillingness to travel would be the deal breaker for me! :D (I'm kidding. I think.)
It seems to me like since she DOES sweat the small stuff she would be the one who has the lower libido, and since you don't and are more relaxed you WOULD have the higher. Interesting.
makes sense to me
I can't believe your kids haven't been to the beach!!! if she doesn't want to go, then go w/out...my uncle and his family are the same way...blows my mind!!!!
some of the best memories I have of my dad are when we went to the beach - he took me every year to Daytona - sometimes it was just us, most of the time he had friends along or his flavor of the moment but it was wonderful! we also went camping/boating alot at the lake - good times. I can't wait to do this with my kids - we have been to the beach about 3 times so far
Living close to the beach, it's hard for me to imagine never having been to one. Although, I had some friends out here a few years ago who'd never been to the beach or seen the ocean and the look of amazement on their face was priceless... I can understand why you'd want to share that with your wife and kids.
Vacationing is a huge deal to me, and it was a huge deal to me that My Ex and I had only vacationed once in the 3 years we were together. I've been with My Man for less than a year and we already have a vacation in the works.
I can completely understand your lack of libido recently. I think our bickering and fighting (about sex and other things) is what kept My Ex's libido so low.
Best wishes.
I think your feelings are very understandable. It's hard to feel attracted to someone when they are pissing you off on a regular basis.
Did you ever have a conversation with her about the harsh start-up issue? Or are you focusing mainly on changing your own reactions at this point?
I just couldn't live on your roller coaster. God bless you for hanging in there. I just don't deal well with that kind of moodiness.
therese in heavan-
Thanks for your support. It's odd how these things can add up.
recovering soul-
That's what I think. Since she is very confrontational with me, I think she is able to get her frustrations out easier. She is kind like a sudden summer storm. There is peace before and after, but during is no fun.
cassee01-
Her fear of the unknown holds her back. She has no sense of adventure. She plays it safe.
so gone over you-
The expanse of water is amazing the first time anyone sees it. I'll have to be the one to take the initiative about vacations.
emily-
No, I haven't talked with her about her harsh start-ups, recently. I have in the past with little success. Instead, I am trying to improve my listening skills, therefore not giving her any ammunition.
lbp-
Thank you. Remember, Sybil has her good qualities, too. It's the outbursts that are difficult to deal with.
I come from a family like what you describe. Except my Mother and Father are the "straight" ones and us kids are "curley". Adventure doesn't happen with them, camping only happened when we were kids cause we begged!
BUT they take huge amounts of satisfaction in their schedual and homebody lives. Occasionally we make them bend a bit and they love it, and sometimes we straighten out and enjoy the contentment. life is a beautiful thing with so many different people.
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