Monday, January 22, 2007

Taking a Break Part II

I'm back. Things have been very hectic here. Naturally, we're over-scheduled and over-stressed. Sybil and I managed to fight all weekend. I won't go into details right now. Most of it was petty stuff that only she and I can fight about (note to self: read those text message before seeing Sybil). I might go into detail some day.

Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.

Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?

As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.

Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?


Anonymous said...

Love the collar-shy reference. It's so apropos. When everything you do is wrong, you become unable to move. I've been there. Good luck, buddy.

Val said...

Wow, went back to read your Vegas post... brings back some B*A*D memories for me! I can tell you from my own personal experience: we planned a "family weekend" in Vegas (my parents & my son were coming). Therefore I felt used, abused, & stretched by exhaustion to the breaking point when DH ALSO wanted to treat it as some sort of wild 2nd honeymoon weekend?!? not that I don't understand your point when it was only you & Sybil...

Satan said...

"Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside."

Thanks, Aphron! Now I don't have to just worry that I don't look sexy enough, but also that my personality could kill a libido at thirty paces. :P

Constant, underlying tension can't be good for your overall health, much less your sex drive. And I don't like the attitude that she needs to keep you 'hungry' so you won't take anything for granted. I think you do give too much ground. Just because she's happy with a decision/outcome doesn't mean it's the best one.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand the draining effects of always feeling on edge, always being guarded, and such.

For me however, it has had no dicernable effect on my libido per se.

No, I don't actually seek it out from her anywhere near as much as I used to, but that is more about tiring of rejection than actual loss of libido. But then again, my most accounts I am rather on the high side to begin with so maybe it did drop me down... to a more "normal" level.

As much as you say Sybil has a high sex drive, it seems a bit odd for somebody with such a drive to be so "vanilla" and you would think that she would want more. Sounds like a bit of "Catholic"-like guilt. She wants to have sex, but seems too concerned with enjoying it.

Sorry, I do think this is odd, and don't think you are so off base on that. (But again consider the source). This one is tough, traits such as these can be hard to overcome, and your pushing them may only futher distance her, but then again, if you don't push, it seems apparent that she never will. I wish I had an answer, but if I could quickly solve that one in a couple of sentences, I would be sitting up on a mountain somewhere in flowing white robes, and telling people the secret of life. (for a small fee of course)

The invicible fence shock collar metaphor so so perfect. (I wish I had thought of it :)

Emily said...

I find it very easy to understand why your libido is low - I've never wanted to have sex with my partner when he is doing the angry control freak thing, either.

I think a person can have a high sex drive and be quite vanilla. I am like that myself. I mostly like the simple things in life and plenty of them!

But now I will go away and reflect on whether my personality is just too repellant...

aphron said...

I think many more men have been there. All forget that actions and reactions leave profound effects.

Vegas was a very big disappointment. I don't, necessarily, blame Sybil. She didn't help matters.

It's all about control. By her rationing the things I want, she feels (I doubt she would EVER admit to it) that she has control. For me, the whole act is about losing control. Also, I've never like the feeling of being controlled. I tend to rebel.

joe flirt-
Thanks for the compliment on the metaphor. She is hard for me to understand. On the one hand she has submissive tendencies, yet she is unable to give up control. It makes for confusion.

I'm not asking for anything very wild or kinky. Straight missionary sex can get a little old.

I don't mean to push all of the blame onto Sybil. I need to own my part of the problem. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do. Confronting her on it doesn't work. As I said above: it's about control. She wants to be in control, yet she wants to be controlled. She wants her cake and eat it too.

Therese in Heaven said...

There are many, many reasons for a sexually unfulfilling relationship: cultural differences, relationship issues, hormonal imbalance, emotional stress, etc. Whatever the cause is in any marriage, it should be addressed. Both spouses deserve to be satisfied with their intimate life.

I truly hope you can find a way to improve the situation, Aphron. You shouldn't be the one to always give ground.

Digger Jones said...

Oh, I totally get it. Being with someone who is an absolute control freak in bed (and not in the D/s good way) is a massive turn-off. So massive, it is absolutely why I haven't had ANY sex the past year despite a somewhat willingness to occasionally give a handjob if I beg enough. Being verbaly assaulted, taken advantage of and otherweise criticized will KILL an otherwise normal libido.


aphron said...

therese in heaven-
Ah, addressing issues. Whether they are in the bedroom or about how best to spend money, Sybil is a very hard person to confront. With her there is no middle ground, no consensus building. There is only how she perceives things to be. In a way, I've kind of given up confronting her about things. It does me no good. Like many, I end up choosing the path of least resistance. Like money issues, our sex issues are from different worlds. Since this her body and I would rather have a willing participant, I do want to put a lot of pressure on her.

Your case is probably an extreme example of mine. Although Sybil is willing to have sex, it is always on her terms. She wants me to do most of the work, yet she limits my "creativity" (again, I'm not asking for anything kinky).

FTN said...

Hmm. Boundaries. As someone else mentioned, it can be a little bit surprising that someone with a fairly high sex drive has such limited boundaries. Generally, the two go hand in hand.

I've dealt with these very limited boundaries for many years, and I've grown used to them. Being able to communicate about them, in an adult way (meaning without the conversation ending up in a screaming match) is the key. Have those talks in a different time and place -- not when you are both half-naked in bed.

Compromise is important, but if someone just doesn't want to do something sexually, you probably aren't going to "make" that person do it. And continually pestering just makes it worse.

All this is to say: I have no good answer whatsoever. So, uh, good luck with that.

Lori said...

I can't help but laugh at your little pet name for your wife...""Sybil"".....If she only knew that huh?...LOL

Have a great day!!!

aphron said...


I don't understand it either. Sybil will get angry with me, if we've not had sex in awhile. Yet, she will not instigate it, or if she does it is so subtle that I miss the hint. I think the boundaries thing is about control. I happen to hate feeling controlled, so that creates all kinds of fun feelings.

I have called her "Sybil" to her face. Although she is very smart and can be wise in many ways, she tends to let her emotions drive her when dealing with me.

Anonymous said...

Aphron, I can relate to many things in this post. My marriage has many similarities and yet some differences. Suffice it to say one of the biggies is my loss of interest in her is on the edge of non-existent because:
1) I am the only one she feels comfortable enough with to get angry with, hence she directs all of her angry rants at me even if I am not the real target. While this is not an exact match for Sybil's motivation, the result is similar: constant tension between us.
2) Her way is the best way. Since I make her feel comfortable she chooses to try and impose her will on me when she can not do so to others.
3) While you don't seem to say it out-right, it appears from reading a few of your recent posts (yeah, I'm a new reader) that Sybil married you in part because of your mind-reading abilities and you are refusing to fully utilize them to please her. Ditto.

I feel for you when it comes to Sybil's libido but can't relate. Mine's interested almost every month, never twice (per month, that is).

Tensioned and under control, what a way to live! Sorry in advance if I'm off-base here .....