I keep having that question roll around in my head? What IS marriage's purpose? Is it so two people can pull together? Is it for producing offspring? Why does a man and a wife live together...forever?
If marriage is for the "simple" creation of offspring, then can marriage be dissolved after said offspring are grown? I know many marriages that do that. When the kids are either in mid-teens or adults, the marriage breaks apart. With many years invested in it, everyone on the outside are left scratching their heads and wondering. Many times these marriages are twenty years old or older. So much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears are poured into that doomed marriage. Do couples that have grown children stay together simply for none other than that reason?
It is interesting to see marriage dynamics from the outside and inside. It seems that one person, in my case Sybil, changes after becoming married. That person goes from being this laid back carefree person to this control freak that gets totally bent out of shape over every little thing. Is that the goal of marriage: control? Trying to mold another person to fit our conception of perfection? Seems to me that is the sure recipe for failure. No one likes to be controlled.
Is marriage some destination? Plodding forward to some imaginary Nirvana? During the whole journey being overly worried about how the toilet paper is placed on the rack? Isn't patience and acceptance supposed to be in their somewhere? I thought marriage was a journey two people took together. For me the journey should be fun and exciting. Going ballistic because of a wrong turn takes the fun out of the journey. Worrying about following the directions and making mistakes tends to make one miss the scenery along the route.
Help me out here. I'd really like to know.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
11 comments:
I think there are probably many purposes for marriage, but one main thing comes to my mind: Marriage is a learning process. It's two people committed to each other, becoming two gears working together instead of a hammer and a nail.
This is my 19th year of marriage to the Farmer. We've rather grown up together since we were quite young when we married.
It's darn hard to nurture a marriage if you don't like each other. That's really IMO what it comes down to. If the person you think of as your best friend isn't your spouse...then what is the point?
I think both of us would say our favorite person to spend time with is each other. And as much as I will miss our children as they grow up and leave the nest -- I am quite looking forward to having my husband all to myself again.
People change -- no human is a static entity. Hopefully you still love the person they grow into. If you don't -- well, then I agree with you -- why bother? Life is way too short to spend it nitpicking. Sometimes I about bite my tongue in half to keep from snarking about something, but it's worth it.
I keep thinking of the question that Gary Thomas asks in his book, Sacred Marriage: "What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy. . . but holy?"
Lots to chew on there, I think. . .
I think it's different for different people. I got married because I was in love. I've never considered having children a reason to get married... weddings don't make babies, but quite often babies do make weddings. Doesn't say much though for those who never reproduce. Some marry for money, some for companionship, some for other reasons. If I didn't love, respect, and genuinely enjoy time spent with my husband, we wouldn't be married today. I hope he can say the same for me.
To me marriage should be that journey together that you envisioned. It is supporting one another through thick and thin, co-parenting if that's the choice a couple makes, rejoicing in the good times and being there for one another in the bad. Becoming a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.
Do I have that? No, but that's the goal. I hope and pray that someday it's what my marriage becomes.
I love what Phyllis Renee said about gears working together instead of a hammer and a nail. That's a great metaphor. I'm tired of being the nail (and not getting nailed - LOL).
I'm just all ears...ummm eyes...I hope when everything has been said/written and done, I'd still choose to walk down that isle!
Sending happy thoughts!
Desmond: I keep thinking of the question that Gary Thomas asks in his book, Sacred Marriage: "What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy. . . but holy?"
And why should the two be mutually exclusive?!
I think Gary Thomas is making excuses for uptight wives who want their husbands to be their servants.
Marriage is a joining of equals in love that is both holy AND passionate. St Paul told spouses not to deny pleasure to each other for even a short period except for extreme reasons.
I think most wives -- especially supposedly Christian wives -- feel that once that ring is on, the husband has no choice but to put up with what little she chooses to offer him. That she has every right and ability to pull a switcheroo on him and go cold fish, because he has no choice.
And they are finding out in increasing numbers that they are very wrong in that assumption.
A marriage that is not a true, joyful partnership of equals is doomed. And it is offensive to God. Each spouse has their primary role, and Biblically the man is the leader, but they are still equals. Neither has any justification to be a tyrant over the other.
Marriage should be a joyful companionship and partnership through life that should lead to children. Anything else is offensive and bankrupt. Couples shouldn't divorce at the first sign of conflict, but neither should they let a dead marriage languish to the pain and detriment of all.
A big problem, IMHO, is that people enter into marriage with a vast array of assumptions. Unfortunately, each spouse's assumptions tends to conflict with the other's. Why? Because they assumed instead of sitting down and talking trough their plans and desires for marriage in DETAIL.
Once the come to those agreements prior to marriage, then no one has a right to gripe. You agreed to it. If someone decides to change fundamental parts of themselves after marriage (such as your description of Sybil), then they are the one in the wrong.
Of course, the wives I've encountered in these parts would never accept responsibility for their actions, so you're still in the same bad place as she tries to rule the roost to her own personal desires of the moment.
father of-
That was a good post. Unfortunately, I'm not sure very many couples have that sit down conversation. Denying oneself to one's partner is selfish. Not to mention it going against the teachings of St. Paul. Sadly, humans allow things to creep in and separate ourselves from what is important.
Father Of - Thanks for your comments to my comment. I absolutely agree that happiness and holiness are not mutually exclusive; my own experience would emphatically reinforce that notion (leaving aside, for the moment, the question of just how really holy I am; but my wife is both very happy and very holy, so I can at least cite her as an example).
Part of the point is that happiness comes from the pursuit of holiness. Happiness, pursued for its own sake, always falls short, ultimately.
And, I don't really think that Gary Thomas is directing his provocative question only to husbands, either. There are plenty of women who would do well to ask themselves the same question when they think of their frustrating husbands. . .
Mother Theresa was fond of saying that our major task in this life is learning what it really means to love. And, as Dostoevsky said, love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing, compared with love in dreams. . .
And, I agree that couples thinking of marrying each other would do very well to get very clear on their respective goals, plans, aspirations, etc before they marry. And that very, very few of them do, because their eyes are too full of stars. I am grateful beyond words that my pastor, once upon a time, encouraged me to carefully think through just exactly what I was after in marriage, and what kind of woman I could go there with, before I ever asked Molly out on a date. Helped us both to cut through a lot of fog. . .
I'm struggling myself w/that What't It All About? fundamentality...
[Is that a word? probably not, it just felt right rolling off my keyboard!]
I *THOUGHT* I had married a friend, but it's hard to STAY friendly when he's behaving like an a$$hole...
Well, Genesis says that it isn't good for the man to be alone.
I guess God thought that for most of humanity, having marriage was infinitely better than trying to "go it alone" in this world.
Sin corrupted marriage just like everything else, which is why there is so much conflict and divorce, but I think even with our fallen nature (maybe especially because of it), life is better when you have someone making the journey with you.
Marriage also gives a stable (and hopefully loving) environment to create and raise children in. Statistically, children who come from a two parent home are much better adjusted than those whose parents aren't married or are divorced.
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