Things with Sybil are ok. Not great but not awful either. I guess I have come to terms with my lot in life.
Marriage is definitely difficult. I won't lie and say I'm easy to live with either. However, I've learned things about Sybil over the last 18 years that I didn't know, when we were dating. Kind of a bait and switch, really.
Ultimately, it's about control. Sybil loves to be in control (ironically, she hates making decisions, though). Case in point: we were at the Post Office early one morning to mail some packages. There are a couple of cars in the parking lot. As I was about to back up to leave our parking space, Sybil starts fussing about my plan to back out of the space. Why not pull forward and loop around? That's so much easier. Well, not really, but Sybil hates putting the car in reverse. That discomfort was transferred to me. Therefore, she nags at me about not backing out of the space.
Back when I was enamored with Sybil, that would have seemed like an isolated incident. Now I know her oh so well. It ties in beautifully with my last post about control. The problem is that I truly don't understand the need to critique everything I do. It's tiring.
See, the thing is I hate being controlled. I hate being told what I can and cannot do. I bristle at authority. Therefore, the thing with Sybil's need for control in all aspects really creates a lot of tension for me. It causes me to act out in ways that may be self-destructive. For example, Sybil's need to control our sex life. She has the need to control how it is done. I've taken to controlling the when. I know it's passive-aggressive. However, I've spoken to her on more than one occasion. Sadly, her selfishness can't see beyond her needs and into mine. So I don't try as much. It's isn't exciting. I used to try different methods, positions, etc. only to be rebuffed. So what's the point?
4 comments:
It's hard when what used to be isolated incidents become a way of life, ugh. I run into similar things and have gotten to the point where I don't care, I either ignore the 'nag' or I simply avoid it altogether by doing the equivalent of pulling forward without comment.
Familiar with this brand.
- Why are you going this way? That way would be faster/safer/better.
- Why are you paring here when there's a pull-thru over there?
- Why did you park so far away?
- You're not going to wear that are you?
- Stop being so hard on the kids.
- You're being too easy on the kids.
Need I go on?
As re the 'Bait & Switch'. . .
I've pondered that myself, a few times. . . I've said many times that the best thing Molly and I had going for us when we got married was that we'd been good friends for a few years before we ever thought of marrying each other. We knew each other pretty well, and there weren't quite so many surprises as what some of our friends have experienced (not none, but not so many. . .)
And you know, it seems to me that it's just one more instance of 'There Are No Guarantees In Life'. Which worries me, when it comes to my kids and their future spouses (especially since a couple of 'em have already shown signs of being pretty, um, weak judges of character).
It seems to me that courtship, as typically practiced these days, is exactly wrong. All the incentives for the would-be courtiers are in the direction of misrepresenting themselves, and 'padding their resume'. . . Which doesn't seem to optimize the chances of a long and happy union. . .
It is an unfortunate thing that our society is so gung-ho on coupling up. We push folks to get heavily invested out the gate rather than using the wisdom to teach them to be friends first, romantic later. I know so many separated and divorced couples who, had they been friends first, likely would have never considered getting hitched in the first place. Friends are far more often real with each other than 'couples' are and that's where you see what's really going on 'in there'.
Queenie and I were friends first as were all of the girls/women I 'avoided' to end up with her and for this I am thankful because only Queenie satisfies and that was apparent from very early on.
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