Well, Sybil has been gone to visit her parents for nearly a week. Somethings have become crystalized now that I can catch my breath.
Naturally, Sybil and I left on bad terms. As I'm driving her, Son #1, and Son #3 to the airport, she wanted me to take a left and I wanted to take a right. There are merits to each path. However being Sybil, there is no rational discussion; there is only obedience. Immediately she started snapping at me with a raised voice. To continue to prove her point she kept wanting me to agree that she was right. Whatever. This is not the hill on which I die. Anyway, I went her way, and quietly stated, "You don't have to bite my head off." Based Sybil's reaction, one would have thought I told her to go to hell. She immediately pulled out her phone and started looking Facebook and would not speak anymore. Nice way to depart.
I've texted her twice a day more for my sake so I can tell myself that I did not break contact. No reply. Ah well.
The interesting thing is that I've been having skin issues over the last 6 to 8 months. Kind of an eczema thing: itchy, scaly patches on my ears and inflamed, itchy armpits (gross). I was starting to think that I was allergic to my deodorant. I changed deodorants to no avail. Since Sybil has been gone, the patches have disappeared and the armpits have cleared by more that 50%. It seems that I'm having physiological changes living with Sybil. I know chronic stress can produce physical problems, but like all of my other denial issues, I've come to realize I am susceptible also. No telling what is going on with my cardiovascular system.
I had already started eating better and working out 6 days a week. Now, I know I need to improve my emotional health.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
3 comments:
Ah, my friend, you are getting it. Keep the momentum going. The key thing is to get from 'head-knowledge' to actually 'doing the stuff'. "If you know these things, happy are you if you do them." (Jn. 13:17) And you're starting to do that.
You will likely never have her respect, or even, really, her love (at least, not in any kind of unconditional, all-in way). But you can (really, you have to) maintain your dignity. . . Imagine a world without itchy armpits. . . ;)
You are in my prayers. . .
Ahh, a little break from your PD. Frankly, I'm jealous -- I myself live for those little breaks but they don't come often. So enjoy.
In any case, I have no doubt the day-to-day mental and emotional stress of navigating life with your PD would build up enough over time to cause physical manifestations. Constant unending and unresolvable conflict would bring anyone's cortisol levels through the roof. Except for the PD of course, since creating drama and conflict and tearing down their favorite target (in order to build themselves up. See: "Narc Supply") is actually their Number One way to reduce their own stress. I do believe they might even get little dopamine hits from it.
So I'm very glad to hear you are practicing self-care -- vitally important. And, as you can see, you will also need to, just as importantly, tend to your emotional health. That should get a little easier to do as boundaries become better established. And enjoy your little break....!
Craig-
That will be the hard part: really putting the ideals into action. I am realistic enough to know that nearly 24 years of habits will be very hard to break. If I don't, then I know it will affect my physical and emotional health. There are two main reasons to stay: my faith tells me to and my 2 year old son. I know I'll never have her unconditional love. It has really hit home recently: "grovel at her feet" and "woo" her without any reciprocity. That is not love by any definition. That is narcissism, straight up. I have to learn to internalize what I need to do.
Anon-
Ah...boundaries. That will be tough, but I know I have to. If nothing else, I will have to keep my armor on to maintain my sanity.
Thanks to all for the information, resources and support.
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