Well...the week of peace is definitely over. Nice to have a big blow up this morning and make me late getting the office.
The reason? I was too tired to stay up past 11:00 to talk with Sybil (the thing she admits to craving). While I explained I was up late the night before and had gotten up early in an attempt to catch up on "to do's" and just get the house clean, her reply was "well, the vacuum cleaner was left out". Yep. Therefore, I had no excuse for being tired. I should have been awake for her. I was awake for everyone the kids; why not her (I'm not sure what she means on that one)? Let the JADEing begin. Old habits die hard. Even while I was doing it, I seemed to compulsively continue trying to, somehow, reach her. I knew it was fool's errand, but I could not help myself. Naturally, the conversation devolved into a circular argument about how I treat her badly, "have I made a decision about our relationship?" (hell, I thought we were married!), and I only care about my feelings. Again, I let myself get sucked into the conversation. I failed at stopping the JADE from happening.
That is why I am so frustrated. In this situation, I reverted back to my old habits. I am not angry at Sybil. It's like being angry at a child for acting like a child. I expect it. No, I am angry with myself for not disengaging and maintaining Medium Chill. Instead, we spewed vitriol at each other (I was pretty restrained, considering). I see that I have my work cut out for me. Undoing 23 years of bad habits will take a long time. I have even started thinking about getting counseling. That is one of the things I struggle with: asking for help. Pride.
Anyway, Sybil asking that question about our "relationship" means she will never accept her role in this dysfunction. But, I already knew that.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
Yeah, it definitely doesn't happen overnight -- it's more of a one-step-forward/13-steps-backward kind of process. With plenty of set backs along the way. And lots of "Twilight Zone" moments for good measure (like when they do the Projection thing they do so well, or demonstrate some really unreasonable cognitive dissonance) that leave you questioning your own mental health. And all this while we're not even striving for a "good" relationship, just one that is not quite so intolerable. In any case, I understand how difficult it is -- keep on keeping on ....
Thanks for your help.
At this point, yeah, I do not know who is the sane one anymore (the projection is strong in this one). Probably we're both crazy. I just know that I'm tired of the moving goal posts. While I may have taken divorce off of the table (staying because of the kids), I kind of hope she nukes the marriage. Since every time we're alone after her arrival, we've had nothing but drama.
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