In my previous post, I was writing about how no Sybil for a week helped clarify things and even helped with some dermatological issues.
It will, definitely, come to an end tomorrow at 4pm. I will be completely surprised if we are married much less sleeping together by the end of this year.
After good morning texts and good night texts by me every day with not one, single reply from Sybil, she calls today. Already I can feel my anxiety go up because I know things will not go well. Today's conversation was no different. Due to the possibility of inclement weather, Sybil had changed the flight arrival time and texted the kids and me late last night (I was asleep). During the phone conversation, she asked about the flight and I said I'll see you at 4pm. She asked, if I had seen the email. Being honest, I said I didn't read because I read her text. Silence from her. Then she asks if I checked the weather. I said I was kind of busy and forgot (and weather was overcast and cold but no snow here...so never really crossed my mind to check weather), and Son #2 had said it wasn't really going to be that bad. Silence from her. After a few heartbeats of silence, she says that she'll just get off of the phone since I'm so busy. We disconnect. I collect myself and called her back. She maintains I'm too busy and she does not want to bother me; she'll make her own arrangements. Bye.
Dissecting this conversation is illuminating. While I know there will never peace, this episode reminds me that that there is not ever going to any peace. Instead of grace and forbearance (at this point I'm not asking for love), I will be receiving her anger and malice. Fine. That is the way Sybil wants it. I am not responsible for her emotions and feelings. I really think she is living in a fantasy land where I am the villain. Also, I think she will try to push me to suing for divorce. This will solidify her victimhood. She will live all of the drama which she sees on TV. Sybil craves drama. It is a drug. I really believe she gets a big endorphin rush with each episode of drama. Sadly, like all junkies she has to get her fix, and it takes more and more drug to achieve that high. Being a drama junkie, she will do whatever she needs to get her fix. She will tear me down, ruin our marriage, hurt our kids, even maintain her unhappiness. Like all junkies, Sybil will take everyone that cares about her down, unless they cut ties with her.
Let the itching begin.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
Well, if I had any question as to whether you were fully "getting" this PD thing, I don't now. You definitely have a handle on the dynamic. Though it doesn't make it any easier to read -- thinking about all the chronic pain, strife, unhappiness and disharmony that PD's project upon the world at large is staggering, especially given how unnecessary it all is. This doesnt really help, but I think it's still important to remember that at the core these are deeply tormented, unhappy people -- chock-full of raw insecurities/anxieties and self-loathing and self-hate. Even when they are coming off as so entitled and superior, better and holier than thou -- it's all a just desperate act to convince themselves of their own self-worth. These are frightened, hollow people -- all their nasty destructive behaviours just maladaptive defense mechanisms of self preservation to protect their fragile, brittle, troubled souls. In this way you can pity the PD . But remember your 3 "C's": you didn't Cause their PD, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. You can't "love" their disorder away, no matter how hard you try. They don't love themselves -- thus they can't love unconditionally or accept real unconditional love from others -- and will in fact punish anyone who really tries. And the sooner the Non figures out this ugly basic fact, the better :-(
Knowing this intellectually and putting the changes into action will prove to be very two different things. By now, we've become entrenched in our behaviors, and I'm not sure I can use my defenses against her attacks. She knows all of the buttons to push.
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