Quick recap: the wife became "triggered" because I offered to share my (the problematic word) food with her, when I should have remembered (and therefore not asked) that we always share food from this particular take out place. Since I did not remember it, then I must not remember anything else in our 24 year marriage. Therefore, I do not love her because if I did I would remember that. That was 3 days ago.
Last night, the wife became angry because I refused to bring up the conversation. It angers her that I do not bring up conversations in which she is triggered. For her I knew that she was hurting, so I should have confronted the situation and tried to bring resolution. Since I refused to confront the situation, I, obviously, do not care about her. To prove her anger with me, she placed a large pillow between us in the bed, and this morning she left without me to go to our office. :o. I feel that she is trying to suck me into some sort of verbal confrontation to fill the hole in her. I've played this game before: she wants validation that she is correct to feel this way. There is no real resolution.
I've tried to maintain medium chill and grey rock. When she confronted me last night about all of this, I did not say anything. After a long, long pregnant pause, she said, "I guess you're not going to say anything." After a few more moments, I replied, "Right now, I'm too angry to talk about it. If you really think that one thing defines our marriage, then I do not know what to say." That was when the pillow was placed between us. This morning she left to go to our office without saying goodbye...only a text, "Leaving."
Could I have handled that any differently? I just don't know anymore.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
3 comments:
I've been following at a discreet distance, mainly because I don't have much constructive to say, and besides, your anonymous friend seems to be taking pretty good care of you. . .
But I have a question here. . .
"Could I have handled that any differently?"
Ummmm. . . why are you questioning yourself, as if you could have done something differently to appease her? You seem to know that your handling of the matter makes no difference; she'll attack you no matter what you do. And yet, your instinct is to be self-critical, and question yourself. It seems to me that this is the key point (someone else can correct me, if I'm off base) - IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU HANDLED IT. Maybe you could have done something better, but that is utterly not the point. That's the whole point of 'medium chill' and 'gray rock' - what you do doesn't matter, as far as her response is concerned. The self-critical instinct is usually a good thing, but in your case, she's gaslighted you to the point that you're wondering about your own sanity. . . It seems to me you just need to give up thinking that her attitude somehow depends on what you do, and treat her like annoying bad weather - just something you need to deal with, and get on with your life. . .
I'm not even sure you need to tell her that you're angry; your emotions just seem to feed the beast. Just let the second sentence of your reply stand on its own.
It's probably more hostile than necessary, but Clark Gable's final line from Gone With the Wind comes to mind. . .
Yeah I know. All of this is so true. My problem is I cannot give up. I've never quit anything. Stubbornness is my main character flaw. I just know that if I continue that, somehow, she'll see my point and it will be better. Sigh.
As far as gaslighting, I think there is that. However, I'm making progress there. I just cannot believe I'm as selfish as she says I am. The main thing I'm self-critical about is how to handle it. I know deep down that there is no way to "win". There is only moving on or out. Since most of the these "conversations" happen at night when we are in the bed, I am contemplating sleeping another room. That can't happen until one of the kids goes to college in August, though.
I've been thinking about the Clark Gable quote a lot lately. I haven't gotten there, yet. The way things are going it won't be long now.
You know, even Romans 12:18 only says, "IN SO FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, live peaceably with all". . .
And I recall something from Proverbs (25:24) about what it's like to live with a contentious woman. . . ;)
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