Yesterday was a long day. We were moving daughter from one apartment to a new one. The new one was about two blocks away. Naturally, we picked the hottest day of the year to do this. I knew the day would be long, painful, and hot. I picked up the moving truck, went to a storage unit to get some furniture, went to the city and unloaded into the new apartment. We had to make several trips form old to new. Because daughter has several paintings that she cannot have damaged, Son#1 and I, literally, carried them two at a time (one for each hand) from the old apartment to the new. The city is not flat...did I mention that it was the hottest day of the year? We, finally, finished around 4 pm.
I drove the moving truck to Sams to pick up a large wooden, bench swing to bring home to assemble. It came in two boxes. One of the boxes was pretty manageable. The other was so heavy that Son#1, Son#2, and I could barely manage it. We got it loaded and headed home. When we got home Sybil came outside to greet us. She watched us unload this and some other things that we took from the storage unit. As we got to the last box...the heavy one...we struggled trying to get it on the porch. She was trying to offer advice on how to move this thing. We kept trying but we were getting irritated because it was so heavy. Finally, she said, "Maybe I should just go inside." To which Son#1 replied, "Yes." I, bring hot, tired, and angry, said, "Thank you." She went inside. I should have known I had made a Big Mistake.
We got things unloaded and placed where we wanted. I took the truck back and came home. I came home to an upset wife. I asked what was wrong, was told I should know (I love the maturity there), and when I did not know, was told I was rude to her earlier. I thought about it. I was a little rude. I apologized and admitted my rudeness. I explaind that under normal circumstances I would not have said that. I had a very long and physically demanding day. I apologized three times. I did explain about my day. She started in saying my behavior was out of bounds. That I should have not acted that way. Unfortantely, that set me off. I explained that she is last person in the world to be telling me how to treat someone. Then I took my shower.
I came out of the shower to her packing her work stuff and leaving. As she was leaving, I pointed out that she was forgetting her cell phone (later that was thrown in my face). She left. Not content in keeping things between ourselves, she text the kids and me, "Tell Son#3 sorry for me. But I will not be coming home." She drug our kids into our dispute.
For several hours I pondered the situation. I realized that I have a three year old son that needs a father around. He needs someone that is more sane than his mother. I could not just leave him with her. No matter how badly I want to pack a bag and leave Sybil, I have an obligation (FOG anyone?) to him. Therefore, I called Sybil to try to work it out, which I knew was impossible. She doesn't want it worked out because she created it in the first place.
After a two hour phone conversation, I swallowed my pride. I apologized for being dismisive. I asked her to come home. Sybil came home. Today, she is giving me the silent treatment. I don't care. Her reaction is way disproportionate to the situation. While I could have handled her with a little more aplumb, Sybil will never see that she was the instigator. She started it with her comment about going inside when talking to sweaty, tired, irritated people. Sybil doubled down by not accepting my apology, walking out, and dragging our kids into the fray.
I know God has given me Son#3 to keep me from leaving Sybil. He knows that I have a personality querk. I have intense obligation to my duties. This obligation will keep here because of Son#3. I just don't know, if I have strength to continue, to endure this tribulation. Son#3 is the only positive thing I am getting out of this marriage. No one should have to endure that treatment. Conflicts in a relationship are normal. Conflict resolution in a normal marriage would not be like this, right? I did not go drinking, whoring, I did not spend all of our money betting on the horses. To leave because I got angry about be told how to act that cannot be normal, right?
7 comments:
No, it is not normal, it is PD. It is PD to be so self-centered and 'me'-oriented in one's thinking as to be unable to even begin to imagine how exhausted, how hot and uncomfortable another person might feel working so hard in such heat. It is PD to have no thought or feeling that someone else might deserve to be treated with patience and kindness for even taking on such an odious job to begin with. The PD cannot get out of their own head long enough to think beyond their own personal wants and needs at any given moment. It is simply always ALWAYS about the the PD, and that's all there is to it. The sulking, pouting, conjured drama and triangulation (getting the kids involved) -- classic PD moves, all of it. Unfortunately, I know you were stuck between a rock and a hard place, but by asking her to come home you likely handed her all sorts of delicious, lip-smacking Narc supply. Like the 'mmm-mmm good' stuff. I honestly don't know what else you could have done in the situation, but it probably most likely served to reinforce her negative, childish behavior. Expect more of it to come. Hard to make the call I know, but one of these days you'll just have to call her bluff.....
Oh yes, I knew, before I swallowed my pride and asked her to come home, that I was feeding the beast. I knew that this cycle was being repeated. Of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, obligation is the biggest for me. I feel duty bound to try maintain a semblance of normalcy for my kids, especially Son#3 (who is only 3). I gave her exactly what she wants. I'll get more abuse...but...I deserve it. If only I had/had not done XYZ, I would not be getting treated this way.
Also, I may have codependent tendencies that don't help. However, I know I am not narcissistic (which she gas lighted for years telling me how selfish I am), because I did not leave, and nor did I invite others into our personal drama. I know that the end is coming, the center cannot hold, something has to give.
"one of these days you'll just have to call her bluff....."
Amen, and amen. Let her ruminate on her next move, while you and the 3-year-old enjoy some peaceful time together. . .
She didn't turn on S#1? I mean, his words could easily be construed as WAY more disrespectful than yours. . .
I'm pretty duty/obligation oriented myself (and that's mostly a good thing, I think). But if she walks out, I'm content to give her time for the implications of her actions to sink in. . .
She did but he did not call into question her correcting him on how to act. He was able to diffuse the situation. He swallowed his pride a lot sooner.
As for calling her bluff, she brought all of our kids into the fray by sending that text about not coming home. Total bitch move. She was maneuvering herself to paint me as the villain.
I have to wrap my mind around the fact that she is a child. Caving to child gets more bad behavior. "Pay the Dane geld and you'll never get rid of the Dane." She knows that text would push my buttons: Son#3 would be left without a pair of parents, and I would be the bad guy. It worked, too.
It does sound as though you are particularly sensitive in regards to your children..., that it means a lot to you to keep up appearances in their eyes, and for their sake. Naturally you want to remain in good standing with your children, and wish to downplay any dysfunction where they might be involved. I totally get it. On the other hand, it sounds as though 3/4 of them are mostly young adults. While it might be a somewhat well-kept family secret, they are likely aware on some level that there is Dysfunction. Meaning the cat is probably already out of the bag anyway. They arent blind after all. Trying to run interference with them, mopping up, and practicing damage control is quite the responsible and heroic thing to do, but to what end? Maybe it's time to just call a spade a spade in such a way that if marital strife spills over a little into general family life, so be it. They are young adults and can likely handle the truth. I'm not saying going out of your way to let it all hang out and get them personally involved in your marital problems or to lean on them for emotional support and guidance or anything like that. No, I'm simply saying that if a crack does open up somewhere where they can see it, trying valiantly to shield them from it only serves to create more burden and F.O.G. For *YOU*. As long as you have this particular sensitivity regarding your children, your wife will know it and be able to hold a whole lot of power over you. It's probably like the elephant in the room for them anyway -- they know on some level something's up. They might even have their own personal issues with their mom they are privately working through. Trying to keep the cat in the bag while keeping the plates in the air and a smile on your face when dealing with stuff like this is exhausting. If appearances slip a little, especially thanks to her shenanigans, they slip. So be it. It is what it is. Facing the truth and allowing it to reveal itself can be a whole lot better for ones' mental health. It can even be a relief.
I recall an episode from when my wife and I were engaged. She was offended by some-or-another minor infraction of mine (please believe me when I say 'minor'). She said, "I don't know if I want to be married to someone who [does things like that]."
I was a bit taken aback; my offense just didn't seem like a deal-breaker to me. She didn't even want me to apologize, or ask her forgiveness; she just wanted me to stop doing whatever it was. I just looked at her and said, "Well, then, it seems as though you've got a decision to make." Which took her back. She hadn't really wanted to call the relationship into question; she just wanted to add some force to her demand. But those few minutes of considering the implications of her words have been very salutary over the long run. . .
When we were dating, Sybil had a long distance relationship. I did start wooing her and gave her an ultimatum. It was him or me. I did not want to be second fiddle.
I think there are many reasons that we are where we are. To be sure, I have a very difficult time with boundaries. I think this has been creeping along until we are at this crossroads. I think, also, there is denial. If she has mental issues, what does that say about me? I think I care more about the marriage than I do about Sybil...kind of a fear of failure or never quit kind of mentality.
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