Sunday, July 30, 2017

Staring Into the Abyss

Well, the abyss is starting to stare back.

Had a major blow up with Sybil Monday (07/24, literally 2 days after the last one).  What's new, right?  In the most vanilla way possible, I confronted her about the attitude I felt she was projecting towards me in front of our employees.  She did not like it (later she would say I treated her like a child because I "didn't ask how she was feeling" before deciding she was rude...I can't make this stuff up).  Sybil became angry.  She began yelling at me for things our employees did (I'm the "whipping boy").  All of her frustrations with others came spewing forth.  I did not say anything; I let her rage wash over me.  I knew she was trying to "flip the script" by making me feel bad how she treats me.

Anyway, as the "conversation" was winding down, Sybil made the statement that she would not be riding home with me.  Now, it is 95 degrees, she never excersises, and she is wearing heals.  I explained that to her, and I told her that I would be walking home (I'm in better shape and have walking shoes).  Naturally, I am taking away her idea, so that makes her even more angry.  Finally, I tell her that either she can ride home with me or I walk home.  There is no other choice I will give her.  She relents; we ride home.  As we pull in to our drive way, Sybil starts talking about moving out.  Fine with me, except I've got a 3 year old to think about.  I tell her that I will move out, since I have to work and the 3 year old does not need to yanked out of the house into unfamiliar surroundings.  Again, she does not like that I am taking her idea (as an aside, I am so tired of being the rational adult.).  We, actually, come to an agreement: she will try to not raise her voice at me and treat me like a "whipping boy", and I will not assume she is in some sort of emotional state.  Detente resumes.  We will see how long that lasts.  We pull back from the abyss.

What I have learned?  I am willing to go through wth divorce.  If Sybil threatens divorce, I have called her on it in the past, but now I am a willing participant.  The only reason I am staying is my obligations to my kids and the major disruption divorce would cause for my business.  I could list all of her failings, but I can live with those.  It is the rages, the passive-aggressiveness, the complete lack of empathy that is so off putting.

Sybil has made comments that I do not like her.  Sadly, Sybil will not stop and ask herself why that is.  She will not see that the rages might possibly drive a wedge between us.  Nope, she just sees her making a comment and me suddenly becoming angry.  She demands that I like her (even "grovel at her feet"), but she cannot step outside herself and see how she is.  I guess that is the way of the NPD.  They cannot see the destruction they cause; they can only see that they are not getting the attention they deserve.  Their awesomeness should demand that everyone notice them.


Anonymous said...

Getting those ever-important relationship boundaries in place and holding firm can go a long way in making your marriage....,well, if not "good" (highly unlikely) then at least somewhat slightly tolerable so that you can live your life while co-existing in your marital home, running your business and parenting your children, without an ever-present feeling of quiet (or not so quiet) Desperation. I think you are making strides in that direction, as lurch-y and as 3-steps-forward-2-steps-back as it might seem. I know it's hard, hard, ridiculously hard and ungratifying work . But keep it up. Your sanity and well being depends upon it.

Aphron said...

Finally, I have to really put divorce on the table. Sybil has used it as a cudgel to bash me over the head. Sadly, I am at a place where the pain of staying together may be the same as the pain of splitting.

Thinking things through, I have made a large strategic mistake by not keeping the nuclear option on the table. By not making it clear to Sybil that I am willing to nuke the family, I have taken away any leverage I have. Pondering the situation, I have determined that the only thing holding me back is my son. My rationalization is the damage of divorce is greater than the damage of staging together. As for the office, I have decided we could outsource some things and muddle through other things. It would probably relieve much of my stress: I would not be taking work home.