Wife - Haiku

Antagnostic
Wonders why distant hubby
Resentful woman

Same Bat Time...Same Bat Channel

So...we are getting close to the crazy season...and Sybil is acting crazy.

For the last 4 out of 5 years (give or take), Sybil has concocted drama and refused to travel to visit my parents for Christmas.  One year it was because I did not immediately drop what I was doing and help her with a computer issue (I was actually working on a computer issue of my own).  This year, ironically, it is because she is tired of how my mother speaks to my father.

Father has been ill and Mother has to bear the brunt of taking care of, since my Brother and I are not close by.  I have spoken to Mother about toning down how she speaks to Father.  I have asked her to try to be patient with Father (she is the root cause of many of the issues I am grappling with...Freud was correct in some things).  We saw Mother and Father this past weekend, and Mother lost control and snapped at Father.  It was not bad, but naturally Sybil is looking for a way to isolate me from the family.  So, last night Sybil decided that she cannot tolerate Mother and her way of speaking to Father.  I was able to maintain a straight face.  I said that is her choice but I will be taking Son#3 so he can visit his grandparents.  Under no uncertain terms will she allow me to take him.  I said in that case I would just not go.

After sleeping on it, I told Sybil that I will be going to my parents' house, I would like everyone to come with me, and I would be sad if she did not come.  No reply.  We'll see.  I think her stubbornness will win out.  I am not sure how to approach it any differently.  As my parents are elderly (Son #3 came along when I was in my mid 40s), there is not much more time for them to be together.  Sybil just cannot stand for him to be in such a toxic environment, therefore he cannot go.

Stay tuned...

Blog update

I updated the theme on the ol' blog.  Sadly, I lost a lot of my links.  If anyone wants me to link to their page or another page, you can leave me a comment or send me an email.  Thanks.

Just a Day in the Life

So life with someone on the Cluster B (OCPD with a splash of narcissism) spectrum means that I am, effectively, a single parent on weekends.  Unless the family has something going on, Sybil, literally, does not leave our room as she works and works and works.  I don't even ask her to go to church anymore.  In the future I doubt that I'll even ask her to go to lunch.  Anyway, Son #3 (the 5 year old) and I had an enjoyable lunch.

It seems that Sybil's hierarchy is:

1. Work
2. Son #3 (5 years old)
3. Daughter (22 years old)
4. Son #1 (25 years old)
5. Son #2 (20 years old)
6. Me...maybe

Oh well...

Self-Awareness

Sybil came in possession of Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson, PhD.  It was written in 1981.  I have not started reading it, yet.  I am curious how it relates to other books I have read on that topic.

Sybil's "gift" has gotten me thinking about why she chose me to give that gift to?  Does she, on some level, know how difficult she is?  Does she realize how her treatment of me makes living with her a living hell?  Is she self-aware?  If the answer to any one of those questions is "yes", then that would make her evil.  To consciously continue acting the way she does and the treatment of me (and others) can only mean that she is diabolical and should be avoided.

On some of the forums, someone will post a question about whether or not the PD person is aware of how they are acting on some level.  I am no psychologist, but if they are aware, then they are evil.  That means their actions and treatment are, to some extent, planned.  Now, we all make mistakes.  This morning I was gathering towels in preparation of Daughter doing laundry.  Sybil had not finished using hers.  I did not know this and did not ask.  Since Sybil has strong OCPD tendencies with a heavy dose of NPD, she saw this as me just really caring about her.  My, mistakenly, gathering the towels was an evil act...in her mind.  She knows it was a mistake but her OCPD will not allow her to see it that way; it must have been a deliberate act.  I, purposefully, gathered the towels before she finished using hers because I do not love her.

Evil?

Anyway, in truth I do not think Sybil realizes how difficult she is to live with.  She gave me this book because my mother is difficult.  She was hoping I can learn how to cope with her.  I have: I moved across the state.  I may have to do that with Sybil.  Sybil cannot see the log her own eye but angrily points out the dust mote in mine.

Triggered

We need a minesweeper. There's too many triggers under the surface.

Well, I struggle to find time to do videos.  It is still something that I am noodling about.  For now, y'all will have to content yourself with the written word.  Personally, I like that better than a video anyway, but I'm a Gen Xer.

Beware...rambling post as I unpack stuff.

Triggers.

We've all got 'em, I guess.  Per PyschCentral an emotional trigger is:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

 I think that most of us have past traumas that never really healed.  For Sybil, her reaction to a trigger is the fault of the "offender" instead of realizing that, maybe, the other person did not mean to set her off.  Exhausting having to dodge mines that laying under the surface.  Naturally, this creates a daily drama.

I have slacked off on posting.  Not because the drama is less but because it wearisome.  Plus, I'm not sure how many want to read it.  We don't make any progress.  I find myself stuck in the same rut because I have end up saying the same things just so I can escape the conversation and get on with my life.  Literally, could post something everyday.  It is rare that a day goes by without some sort of manufactured drama.

I will say that anytime a person says that they are emotional and wear their emotions on their sleeve: run!  That is an indicator that their emotions control them rather that vice-versa.  A normal, mature person realizes that and takes that into account.  A child blames their emotional acting out on the person doing the triggering.

The fun begins when the conversation goes down a dark rabbit hole because the triggered cannot let it go.  When I explain (I am really trying to limit JADEing...I really am) why I said what I did, it does not good.  Sybil must keep going.  We have to dissect the simplest conversation until I am just trying to say the right words to escape not the just the conversation but also the room.

This is life with the disordered.  I am like a police negotiator trying to talk the jumper off the ledge.  All because Sybil becomes very triggered if she believes that she has been ignored, or marginalized.

Anyway, triggers.  Great fun.

Is this the way couples are?  Are they mired in this slog?  Are issues and slights never resolved?  Is the job of one to always try to correct the other?  Criticize?  I don't know anymore.  I am starting to believe I am that hostage that starts to empathize with his captors.

I try to NOT to put Sybil on a Profit/Loss sheet.  I try not make a listing of her good points and bad; I know that if I do, it will not end well.

Finding Joy in a Joyless World...er...Marriage

No one is responsible for my emotional state of mind but me.  I can only control myself.  

The above statement is setting me free.  I find that repeating it to my head really helps me focus on Joy.  From Merium-Webster:

I find it interesting that Sybil cannot find Joy.  Nothing is good enough for her.  This isn't just her approach to me, but also her approach to everyone and everything.  I think she gets more "joy" out of food than anything else (yes...she has really packed on some weight).  I stand back and examine her lack of joy.

People that are of a negative bent really suck the Joy out of life.  No one likes to be around them.  For me, my Joy is inversely proportional to the amount of time I spend with her.  I find myself having less anxiety and are more calm.  I have written extensively about how Sybil treats me and others her in this bog over the years.  Thankfully, I have had many commentors provide helpful insight and advice.  If not for these wonderful people, I might have been stuck an a morass of self-loathing.  My Stockholm Syndrome would have kept me in a perpetual state of self-defeat and self-blaming.

So...I am finding Joy.  I have had to swallow a bitter pill of realizing that I will not get Joy from Sybil.  Instead, I have Joy because of my kids.  I have Joy because my strawberry plants have strawberries, and I have Joy because the blueberry bush I thought was dead has now sprouted leaves.  These little things provide Joy in my life and a distraction from my marriage.

On another note, this blog has kind of run its course.  I will still be writing, but I will be starting vlogs from Youtube.  Stay tuned...

Survival Mode

Well, we're still together.  Naturally, not a day goes by (literally!) where Sybil does not find something to complain about me.  I cannot remember when the last time she made a positive comment.  At one point I told her that, if she wants a divorce, then she should just do it.  Quit messing around.  So far she has not.  I truly think that she is hoping to push me into divorcing her.  That way she can claim the high road.  Maybe I am too.

I have been putting off having a very painful conversation with Sybil about finances.  Frankly, our finances are in the toilet.  Our credit card balances really ballooned last year.  When pressed for an answer, Sybil cannot really give me one.  Ultimately, I feel that I have failed.  Realizing my weakness in regards to organization, I let Sybil deal with the household bills.  While she does do a better job of keeping us organized on paying bills, she really sucks at budgeting and discipline.  Sadly, I took the path of least resistance, and our finances have taken a hit.  I know that broaching this subject in a meaningful way will make Sybil feel blamed and cause her to lash out.  However, we cannot go on like this.

The event that really brought things into focus was a business seminar.  In the seminar one of the speakers was talking about budgeting.  From there he went into creating a system to make one become disciplined on spending.  It sounded good to me because it made perfect sense and seemed fairly simple.  Naturally, Sybil became mildly upset.  She told me that she was trying to get me to implement this system (she had not) a while ago and to make things more organized (fairly true).  Her system helps one with organizing bills by creating a spreadsheet that lists all of the things that need to be paid, when they need to be paid, and what their balance is.  It does nothing for budgeting.  It does not systematically change how things are done.  I know this to be true.  How do I know this? I know this to be true because of how our finances are today.  We have zero savings and nearly six figure credit card debt. 

Since Sybil cannot accept responsibility for anything, she blames me for the debt.  Now, the debt was from a horrible IRS audit.  We owed a lot in taxes, because our CPA was clueless and gave us bad advice.  That was EIGHT years ago.  Any debt that accumulated from that audit should have been paid off by now...if WE were disciplined.  Sadly, Sybil has used that audit as a metaphorical cudgel to bash me over the head.  She wanted to fire the CPA...not for incompetence...but because he spoke to her in a disrespectful manner.  I took the blame for the audit, and the financial stuff it caused because I felt that I should have known, somehow.  Looking back, that was a mistake.  She was at every single meeting with the CPA.  In that meeting every single time, all she would talk about was how much we are paying in taxes.  Since Sybil has the emotional age of 7, she does not see that, maybe, she has some role to play in that mess.

When I brought up the credit card issue, Sybil actually mentioned the audit from EIGHT years ago.  Mark Twain was right: denial isn't just a river in Egypt.  How can an event from EIGHT years ago cause our credit card debt to balloon up last year?  Since I do not see her making any changes to how she does things, I will have to.  I know that she will bring on the full court press of manipulation, shaming, guilt, etc.  I know that I will be painted as the bad guy for bringing order to chaos.  I will be surprised if we are still together at the end of the year. 

After the last blow up (I didn't write about it...basically it stemmed from me stating that I FEEL that she being a bully and "pounding on me"...she stormed out of the house threatening...wait for it...divorce), I know that things will get worse instead of better.  This brings me to point of the post: Survival Mode.  I have to realize a few things: Sybil cannot keep a house, does little cleaning, almost no cooking.  As for the office stuff, a lot of what Sybil does is "rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic".  It looks like she is really busy, but in reality she stays bogged down in tasks that could be delegated or done more easily.  By striving for 100% error free work, she gets very little done.  Therefore, I am starting to realize more and more that I need Sybil less and less.  I need little and want for less than I used to.  If she makes good on her threat, then I know I will come out the other side better off in many ways.  So sad.