Thursday, March 12, 2020

Zombie Marriage

So Sybil and I have had a couple of dust-ups these past few weeks.  Sadly, I am so stupid that I do not recognize the pattern of slow, creeping escalation until it blows up in my face.  Last night, the bomb blew up...big time.  Like many other blow-ups, it was focused on how I marginalize how she feels.

Yesterday started like any other day.  In the morning I was in the midst of my ritual, when I heard Sybil's alarm on her phone in the living room.  Strange.  Apparently, the night before she had forgotten to take her phone to bed, plug it in to charge, so she would not be able to hear her alarm.  Now, I know that Sybil is not a morning person.  She likes her sleep.  I, also, know that she usually is not out of bed until around 6:50 am.  That is when I hear her get into the shower.  Her alarm went off at 6:30.  I found her phone, turned off the alarm, and plugged it in to charge.  I waited 20 minutes until 6:50 to wake her up.  She was surprised, thanked me and got up.  I went back to complete my morning routine.

Later, I came into the room and Sybil was looking at what clothes to wear for the day.  She stated, "I don't like to be wakened suddenly. I like a gradual wake up".  To which I stated, "When you make comments like that, it makes me feel like I am stupid for trying to be nice to you."  Wrong answer!  It was game on...big time.  In Sybil's mind I do not care about how she feels (I thought she likes to get her sleep in the morning), therefore I must be destroyed.

After dropping off our son at school, Sybil started yelling at me.  Cursing.  Called me an a#$hole.  Saying that I only care about how I feel and do not care about her feelings at all.  I turned the car around, went back home, as I did not want to be in the same car with her.  As I exited the car to get into my car, I was visibly upset (tears in my eyes).  What did this woman that I have pledged my life to do?  Turned the knife...of course.  She kept yelling at me, telling me how terrible I am, how I am not a nice person.  It is all about me; I never care about her or anyone else.  Yelling this the whole time.  Finally, she stated that she was done and was going to talk to a lawyer.  All because of my statement.  This lasted about an hour with Sybil becoming more and more enraged.

Last night, I broached the subject by saying, "Do we need to talk about this morning?"  Naturally, this was the wrong approach and shows I only care about how I feel; not how my actions affect others.  She had packed two bags, threw them into the car, started the car, then turned off the car, and stormed off walking into the night.  This was in the middle of the night.  She kept saying that she "just wanted to die".  She took off her coat and shoes to, I guess, expedite it?  I spent over an hour talking her back into the house.

A couple of thoughts...
It should be painfully clear by now that Sybil just does not care about how her comments affect me.  She cannot see beyond herself.  She does not care about intent but only were her feelings mollified. She will use bullying tactics (tantrums, threats, manipulation) to achieve her any cost.  We cannot have an intimate relationship.  How can I when making one comment opens a Pandora's Box of pain?  Our marriage is a zombie marriage.  It is not is not alive.  It needs a mercy killing.  A, metaphorical, bullet to the head.  Because of my convictions, I seem unable (unwilling?) to perform the coup de grace.  This will not end well.

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