Well, I let the day slip up on me. I was not vigilant enough to stay out of trouble. I set off another "discussion", yesterday. It started with an innocent comment about a singer on the radio. I mentioned to Wife a few weeks back that it might be interesting to see this particular singer in concert. He was coming to a city near us. She didn't really seem that interested; she did not know who he was. Well, I pointed him out to her on the radio a couple of times. Yesterday, he came on, and I pointed him out. She said, "I've never been to a concert." My response was, "Oh, really." Little did I know that this was my cue to ask her to go with me, and I, apparently, know so little about her that I didn't know this fact about her. I did know this fact, and I had not forgotten. She's not buying it. This "discussion" culminated in her telling me that I do not care about her, I rarely talk to her about anything substantive, I have not been worried enough about her upcoming biopsy (because I have not mentioned it to her), and she said that the end of love is when people stop trying.
Of that list, I will say that I have not been stressing out about her biopsy (she's going to have a cone biopsy tomorrow). She has a stage III reading on her pap smear. Stage IV is pre-cancer then next is cancer. I knew she was worried, but I wasn't because I felt she has a good doctor, it was caught in time, and it was not Stage IV or worse. With everything else going on, I relegated that towards a lower level on my list of worries. I know this was wrong. I should have been more attentive to her fears. I apologized, but like all of my apologies, she didn't seem to buy it. I am truly sorry for my mistake.
The other biggee on the list, not talking to her about anything substantive, I told her that I have tried only to be met with resistance. The example I used was an incident that occurred a few mornings back. I had purchased a new electric toothbrush. I was using it like a regular toothbrush: moving it all around instead of letting it do the work. She jumped out of bed and began yelling at me to use it properly. Anyway, when I brought up her yelling at me, she became defensive and said she was not yelling but talking in a sleepy voice. After me repeatedly telling her that I happen to know the difference between yelling and speaking in another tone, she finally gave a half-assed apology. Way to build highways of communication.
This morning, prior to leaving for work, she was still in bed. I kissed her on the cheek and apologized again for everything. The response was, "Whatever."
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
Tajalude-
I did do some research on the internet. I found several websites stating what it was and what needed doing. No, I have not communicated with her enough, obviously. For that I am ashamed. I knew this was something weighing on her mind, and I let outside issues take precedent.
Enigma-
Well, this is my blog and one gets my point of view. I do have anger issues, but control, generally, isn't one of them. I do not get violent, abusive, or anything. My main character flaw is not dealing well with criticism. As for me being the victim, yeah, I am the victim in these posts. I describe them as accurately as possible and I do try cast myself in a neutral light. I know I am not perfect. I do appreciate everyone's comments.
I plan to go, although she says she doesn't need me there. That is the anger/hurt talking. I know I was/am being a jerk. I told her so. I did not try to make excuses but apologized profusely.
I'm going to try to take her to the concert. I think she thought it was this week (we are kidless). It isn't for another month.
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