Comment

Danica was nice enough to post to my last entry:

Can you tell me in your own words how your wife giving you MORE blowjobs would help her control you??? I need to hear a man say it so I can tell the next one. If you read my post on silence, you would understand why I need this information. Please oh please!!!!
Have you told her what a blowjob means to you?

She is so fortunate to have you. Gee wiz!

I decided to answer that in an entry rather than a comment.

I've expressed to Wife how much I enjoy BJs; I've been verbal during the act; and I even expressed my undying gratitude afterwards. It comes back to the same thing: she does not want me expecting to get a BJ and therefore, taking her for granted.

May be the real issue is Wife feeling like I take her for granted. She has said so during our conversations. Do I? Probably. That is part of being married. Taking someone for granted is not necessarily bad. It means I can depend on her for certain things. I bring coffee to her every morning. If I don't, she'll probably at least wonder why. She's taking me for granted. Anyone, who has read this blog, can see she does take me for granted in not so innocuous ways, so a few more BJs isn't uncalled for, right?

When I was in college, I dated a girl, who loved to 69 and even swallowed. That is every guy's dream come true (sorry Danica). She dumped me. That's ok. The problem with previous sexual experiences is that I want to take all of the good parts and incorporate them into my relationship now. It doesn't work that way. The more I think upon it, the more I'm going to tell my kids that premarital sex isn't what it's cracked up to be. Ignorance is bliss. Bottom line: I love Wife, damnit. I have to let a lot go. Although it isn't anything weird or kinky, I will curtail it, because I am married to her.

Compatibility

A lot of the blogs I read speak of issues of sexual compatibility. The author writes about being with someone, who has different sexual tendencies. This is one area of conflict that is very personal and very difficult to resolve. It almost seems that we end up with a person incompatible in this arena. Why is that?

With Wife and me, we are close to being compatible with the only major exception being oral sex. Wife will give me blow jobs, although she likes to withhold them. She is afraid I would start expecting them. Maybe. I think it is a control issue. Wife tends to be a bit of a control freak (Duh, right?). She likes to dish BJs out as some kind of reward for being a good boy. Well, anyone reading much of this blog will correctly surmise that I ain't been gettin' any. I truly don't understand it, but I don't have the same control issues that she does. I keep hoping that she will realize that giving more BJs will help her control me. LOL! Anyway, Wife does play a mind game with the subject.

As for me performing on Wife, I love it. I can reach orgasm by just performing on her. Wife seems to enjoy it immensely. The problem is I almost have to "trick" her into it. I can't just use it as part of my foreplay bag o' tricks. Actually, she's not much into foreplay. I think it goes back to her control issues. She is afraid of losing control. Wife will only allow it, if she is in the mood. Anyone that reads this blog will see that is rare.

The answer to the question is that love is more important than sex. We love people that are different than us. They can really drive us nuts with their issues. Love is the overriding factor. We can put up with a lot of disappointment and frustration in the name of love. But still, I would like more oral sex.

I'm starting to feel like this mouse. I try to fight it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. 

Change

Can people change? Can a leopard change its spots? I'm not sure. Wife and I, as anyone reading this blog can see, seem to keep going over the same ground over and over. She stays irritated at me for comments I make (or don't make); I stay irritated at her for being irritated at me. We are definitely different in many ways. She is a very detailed analytical person. She thinks about nuance. I, on the other hand, am much more of a big picture person. I really have to work to be detailed. I tend to say the first thing that pops into my mind. Invariably, this lands me in hot water.

Since the last post, things have gotten better. Wife did forgive me. Of course, we had to have a long talk into the wee hours of the morning. Who has to get up before the sun to get kids ready, self ready, and kids to school? Me. C'est la vie. Then she wonders why I'm so tired. She has no clue what it is like to survive on a consistent six hours of sleep.

Anyway, I do not believe people can really change. Just last night she gets irritated at me because she asked me what I thought of the Christmas card holder we used last year in the office. This was 11:30 pm, and I had been up since 6:30 am. I was tired. I said the first thing that crossed my mind, "I don't remember." She took umbrage to that, because I didn't even think for a few seconds before answering. OK, fine, whatever. The next morning she wondered why I didn't try to "get into her pants." She doesn't even realize what she does. But, neither do I. I continue to make the same mistakes with her as she does me.

The best anyone can hope for is to adapt to the situation. I must adapt to her and petty tirades. She must adapt to me and my verbal diarrhea. I think I can, but can she?

Forgiveness

One the greatest aspects of Christianity is the doctrine of forgiveness of sins. Jesus called us to forgive our brothers or we will not be forgiven. In this parable, Jesus talks of how we are called to keep forgiving those who do us wrong:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

It does not matter how large or how small the transgression. We are instructed to forgive.

Forgiveness can be hard to do. There may be a lot of emotion tied into the hurt and anger. Letting go of that, for some, is next to impossible. This hurt takes on a life of its own. It grows and breathes and before one knows it, it takes over. By putting things into perspective and seeing the bigger picture, forgiving someone can be easier.

What about someone, who keeps on hurting me? It, simply, does not matter. We are supposed to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times." In other words, we are to keep forgiving those who ask for it. Since we are all hopelessly flawed, we must forgive someone as another has forgiven us. We all go through life hurting others, either maliciously or inadvertently. Since we expect to be forgiven by that person and God for our transgressions and sins, we must forgive others theirs no matter what.

I bring all of this up because a successful marriage will need forgiveness. It can be needed from leaving the seat up to adultery. If one person in the marriage feels that he/she can no longer forgive, then it is in trouble. I fear that Wife is at this point. With my "foot in mouth disease" I am always saying the wrong thing. Sunday night, after much discussion, I said, "Alright, since you don't enjoy my mother visiting and it will be a stressful time, I'll tell her not to come." She, rightfully, say this as shifting the blame/guilt onto her. A huge fight ensued, and I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Two days later she is still barely speaking to me. They say time heals all wounds, but have I gone too far? What character flaw do I have to find the most assholish comment possible and say it? How can I over come this flaw? How do I get Wife to be a little more patient and understanding? Am I just screwed? Is she most of the problem? Does she need a pill? Do I need a pill?

Stress

Man, how stressed out Wife and I are! I've known about it for a long time, but it is starting to really create problems with intimacy. We find ourselves sniping at each other, easy to anger and generally no fun to be around.

Last night I managed to cause her to become quite angry (to the point of 30 solid minutes of her yelling at me). We about to move into a new building for the office. The stress created by the planning, construction, and then the decorating has been bubbling under the surface. Originally, my parents were invited to visit for Thanksgiving. Well, this is about the time we'll be moving into said new office. She was questioning whether or not to have her mother-in-law visit during this volatile time. I said, "Fine, I'll ask Mom not to come, since I know how much she stress you out." Wife went off. I had shifted all of the blame of the stress of guests onto her rather than seeing it as problem for both of us. During the drive home (with the kids in the back) she let me have it. She has a valid point. I apologized. However, she had to vent her frustration. It doesn't feel like venting; it feels like piling on. Anyway it wasn't good. I explained that I don't appreciate her yelling at me in front of the kids (not the first time she's done it). She came back with giving the kids realism as to marriage. No resolution there.

Stress does some amazing things physiologically, psychologically and emotionally. It frays the nerves. It becomes much easier to get angry. I cannot remember a time during our marriage where there was no stress. Neither outside nor inside. I'll be the first to admit that I am not fun to live with. I tend to be selfish (not mean spirited but literally thinking how a situation affects me first); I tend to be a poor communicator; I am very forgetful; the list goes on. However, I am the same, basic, person I was before I married Wife. Wife's biggest fault is lack of patience with me. She has a short fuse and will argue with a stump. She is stubborn to an extreme.

With these two flawed people, adding stress is like adding a match to tinder. A conflagration will occur. Wife does not want to think terms of stress creating problems. She feels that is a crutch, an excuse, for getting out of one's responsibility. While that may be true to an extent, stress does a lot of things, none good.

That is why it is important to have a chance to destress. It is important to find that activity that helps clear one's mind, at least for a short time. I hope Wife finds one.

Intimacy

The blogs I read all seem to have a running theme: intimacy. We are always searching for that connection with someone else. We want our spouses to be our most intimate partner. Some have a real challenge, while others don't. We go through spells where we feel very close to that special someone, and spells where we do not.

With Wife and me, we have our issues, like every couple. Thankfully, ours aren't so much in the bedroom. We enjoy sex for the sake of sex. Wife may actually want it to be a little quicker and rougher than me. I enjoy giving her multiple orgasms and trying to prolong things as long as possible. The trick is to find that middle ground. Sometimes that can be a real trick. Our issue tends to be our slightly differing views on sex. She tends to be more straightforward. I tend to want role playing and some variety. Our biggest difference is oral sex. She really has no qualms about performing it on me. But, she does have issues about having it performed. I think she is uneasy about that areas differing aromas. I have tried to convince her that in that regard she is perfect. She will allow cunninglingus on her, but she has to be in the mood. Wife does tend to see me as slightly kinky. I guess I am. Doesn't every man have fantasies about his wife in a Catholic school girl uniform with the skirt, socks, and plaid shirt? Is that just me?

Our problems with intimacy come outside of the bedroom. Any part time reader sees that we have our disagreements. She and I are very stubborn people. She can be especially passionate. That, at times, leads to breakdown in intimacy. We try to talk our way through it, and we usually succeed. It is very difficult. Being intimate was much easier while we were in the dating phase. We didn't have three kids, a business, a mortgage, etc. Life is very complicated and that stress spills over into our relationship. It can be very hard to keep it all in perspective. For us, we have started spending so much time shuttling children from activity to activity that there is so little time and energy for us. It has started to affect my libido.

We all are searching for and trying to maintain intimacy. It can be a real struggle. When we are left alone from that intimacy, we feel like an empty place is in our heart. All any of us can do is take it one day at a time.