I was going to write about Digger's article on outward appearances. I even started a post but deleted it. We all have pain from somewhere in our lives. We may not blog about it, but it is there. Life can be painful, sometimes.
Nope. I'm going write about how angry I am at myself. I have somehow allowed Sybil to run nearly all aspects of my life. Where do I draw the line? This realization had been forming for quite sometime but became crystallized during lunch. Sybil, the SAHM that doesn't, was working at church getting ready for vacation bible school. I got out of the office late, so my lunch time was shortened. I call her to see what's the deal with lunch (we eat together nearly everyday). She asks me to bring her something, and, oh by the way, bring something for a friend. My irritation kicked in and was followed by anger. I begged off saying I don't have time. I'll go home for lunch. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I relented. Naturally, she had no clue what she wanted. Anger building.
Finally, I bring food to her at the church. I arrive unable to find her. I call her cellphone. No answer. I see her stuff lying there, so I know she is there. By this time I had about 15 minutes to eat. Now the dilemma: should I waste more time looking for her or should I just say screw it and eat? I said screw it and ate. Just as I'm finishing, she appears all smiling and happy.
Do I have an anger management problem, or do I have a spouse that doesn't give a _ _ _ _ about anything except how to escape from her dull existence at home? My schedule is not my own. I do not get to choose to help out at church, cook lunch, go grocery shopping, clean the house, go to the spa, or any of that. I get to go work and be a drone. I really don't mind her helping at church. Really, I don't. What I care about is her lack of sensitivity that I have an allotted amount of time. If she really wants to eat lunch with me, it is much easier to bend her schedule around mine.
If I choose to go home (I have done so in the past), I can choose from the yummy and delectable choices of peanut butter and cracker (no bread), Ramen noodles (I ate that in college. I did not work this hard to go back to Ramen), popcorn, or just drink a lot of water. As you can see, I get to waste a quarter of my lunch hour getting food to eat.
I understand being a SAHM can be drudgery but so is going to work. I'm not trying to keep her in the kitchen. All I'm asking is for the house stuff to be done first and concentrate on outside stuff next. Sadly, it's times like these that makes me wonder what is going to happen to us when the kids leave home.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
8 comments:
I wish I could say it'll get better but no one really knows what the future holds.
If you'll allow I might suggest that you make your opinion known and start "leading" the household. Since I know you go to church I can assume you know what that means. I'm not suggesting that you lord leadership over Sybil but rather make known that you won't be walked all over anymore then stick to your conviction.
I'm probably the last person that should be giving advice in that department but I know you probably really desire to see your marriage work and it can't if you don't let her know that some things are just plain rude and you deserve more respect than that. You deserve to be loved, and that love should be put before everything on this earth. If a marriage is to work, BOTH parties have to love each other, I may not know much about marriage, but I know that.
I hope you find this encouragement and not overly critical for it is only an opinion but one that I hope is not overstepping the bounds of blogland. :)
I'm not sure I completely understand what Anteros is writing about, but I think you need to take a more productive lead at home, as well. You are right, *you* have let her run every aspect of your life. And if you want change, you are going to have to be the one to introduce it. There is no reason why there should be no groceries in the house for the lunch when she's busy working at extra stuff at church. That just doesn't make sense to me.
While I agree with both commenters, Sybil seems very controlling, and taking back some of that control won't be easy.
That being said, I do agree- if you are a sahm, your first priority should be taking care of your home responsibilites. Then, using what time she has left to work at the church, etc, shouldn't be an issue.
And, I agree with you Aphron- if she wants to have lunch with you, that's fine. But since you are the one on a specific time frame, with your family's livelyhood (aka-work) to go back to, ideally she should be more accomadating to that, out of respect to you.
Just my measly 2 cents
MG/ now SG
All-
I know that the task will not be easy. I have brought it up to Sybil many times. She'll try for a week or so and then back slide. Today I went home for lunch to a kitchen that hasn't been cleaned by her for awhile (week or so). Where is she? Sybil is at the church again. Excuses.
I wonder what would happen, if I let other things take priority instead of work? It won't happen: I'm not a big fan of being impoverished.
What happened to the maid? She treats you like a meal ticket...and she is not doing the job she commited to by becomming a SAHM.(Though you could prolly buy groceries too. lol I am at a total loss how a household could exist with no food and have children! Gotta be a healthy lifestyle living out of mcdonalds!!) Maybe you could make it a project to go WITH her to the grocery store once a month or leave her a list? Unfortunately I think I understand her a bit...a SAHM who hates housework! Would she be happier working for a wage, even part time? I have seen you several times say that she gets very upset when she thinks you don't show her proper respect...maybe you should throw a ring-tailed FIT and fuck what she thinks or says for once? I don't mean to sound in the least critical, but I think you are WAY too nice. If my son was having the problems you are I would tell him to find the balls he was born with and stand up for himself. Yes I can be a bit blunt at times...but why beat around the bush? Hang in there, there is always hope!!!
Sorry I'm so behind here... Still trying to catch up. I think we can really over-schedule ourselves, and some SAHMs can be just as guilty of that. It's important that they are able to get out of the house and do things, but it sounds like Sybil just does way too much away from home.
So how would she react if you made a list for her of things you needed done while you were at work? Grocery shopping, etc? I'm sure she'd explode, but I bet it would get a point across!
FTN-
I don't have to make a list to make Sybil explode. Eh!
All I need to do is say that I resent earning 100% of the money and doing 50% of the housework. My contribution to the family (ie. work) doesn't really count for anything.
aw. I so wanna come make you a sandwich... Hang in there.
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