So now I'm coming to grips with my situation. Thanks to Anon, I went to the sites he/she posted in the comments in my last entry. I went to "Healing from Narcissistic Abuse". Not very many posts. However, the one that really struck home was not the one linked in the comments, but the one about codependency. Many of those traits I saw in myself. That's where the despair comes into play.
There was a time where I was much more "Alpha". I was very self-assured. It's amazing what 23 years of gaslighting will do. The Stockholm Syndrome thing, I guess. Sybil had me questioning myself that maybe I was more than just a normal person that stumbled; maybe I am a selfish jerk. I know she has used those exact words so many times over the years. Gaslighting is an insidious phenomenon. Over time...like water on a rock...it breaks down the target's defenses until the target is left kind of a shell of his former self. Then the narcissist complains that the target is a door mat. The target can barely draw a breath.
At this point, my despair arises because my personality will not allow me to do the one thing that I probably should do: divorce Sybil. I am "built" to try to be honorable and to some degree stoic. For the first time I find myself at odds with myself. As I explore the depths, I find that it has caused my libido to crater. I have read articles and blog posts by women that complain their husbands are not interested in sex. I believe the problem is not their husband but the women. I wonder how many are like Sybil: never happy, always complaining, overly dramatic, lacking empathy? Unless the husband has some physical ailment, I believe the husband just wants to get away from the harpy with whom they are cohabitating.
It will be interesting to see how the saga unfolds.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
You are doing well to educate yourself. Much of the process is figuring out why we attracted, and were attracted to, these baffling PD's in the first place -- and how we got from Point A to Point B (and hopefully on to Point C, now that we finally catch on to what's really going on). But be gentle on yourself as you go about it -- no reason to be too hard on that person you were, and are now, now that your eyes are opening....
Please know I'm not trying to be a know-it-all here with links galore -- but I do have one more for you to consider. It's a community support site, called "Out of the FOG" (F.O.G. standing for Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that is intended specifically for those of us dealing with the Personality Disordered in our lives (whether spouses, partners, parents, siblings, children, bosses, coworkers etc -- there are forum threads for each). Because that's exactly what you've been in for the last 23 years, my friend -- a fog. Caused by the subtle-but-chronic (and insidious) abuses, manipulations and gas-lighting of your PD: http://outofthefog.website/ Lots of information there. Plus, it can just be helpful to know you are far from alone in dealing with this perplexing struggle....
Very good info. I'll definitely be reading the site. Thanks for your help.
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