Thanks to Anon I have been perusing the "Out of the FOG" site. Between it and "A Shrink for Men", I have come to learn a lot.
I've been doing it wrong. I thought I could somehow talk to Sybil as any other rational human being and somehow come to a consensus. Talk about being in denial. Between my own denial, her gaslighting (she talks about how I only think about myself to the point that started to believe it), and circular arguments, it has taken 23 years for me snap out it. Whilst I do have my own personality issues (who doesn't), I can only accept 50% of the blame for the problems (may be eventual failure?) in our marriage.
When Sybil keeps saying that I need to woo her (while she admits to not meeting even close to half way) and even said I should "grovel" at her feet, I explained to her that I would only accept responsibility for my 50% and only worry about my 50%. She has to worry about the other 50%. Needless to say, Sybil did not like that one bit. That statement did not even pierce through her consciousness. Instead of accusing me of not loving her anymore, wouldn't a sane person wonder what happened? What did that person do to make the other fall out of love? My denial is over.
Over the course of nearly 24 years of marriage I have done two things wrong: did not demand being treated well and J.A.D.E. Whenever Sybil became verbally abusive, I did not leave the room, I did not stop her and ask would you talk to a stranger that way, I did not put an end to the conversation by saying that I will not be talked to like that and will only continue the conversation after she regained control. I did not demand respect and set boundaries. I have started setting boundaries but it will cause more strife in the short term and may be end the marriage in the long term. By not demanding respect, I have created a situation where I have taken on some of Sybil's mannerisms. Kind of laying down with dogs and getting up with fleas. I feel my own fuse become short, whenever she is yelling at me. This is part of the 50% I have to work on.
The other thing I have done wrong is JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. This is very difficult for me. Sybil is a very smart person, almost to the point of being cunning. Because I know I am talking to an intelligent person, I get into a JADE state of mind and the circular argument begins. There is no resolution, because Sybil does not want resolution and I keep trying to build that consensus with JADE. If I were dealing with a rational person, JADE would be effective in ending the argument either with a consensus or an understanding to agree to disagree. Nope. We cannot seem to do this. I must remember to not get stuck into a JADE loop because it only feeds Sybil's beast.
For most of my life I have been feeding the beast. I just knew Sybil, who is smart and to some degree wise would come around. Denial. JADE. I have to stop. I know this may not turn out well. However, the alternative is to continue being a fool. No one will respect someone that "grovels" at their feet. No one will respect someone that tries to woo without reciprocity (that's called stalking and is creepy). No one respects someone that does not respect himself. As things heat up and as Sybil threatens to nuke the marriage, I have done all I can do and keep my dignity. If she nukes the marriage, SHE will have done so. I have always said that I take the good with the bad. By taking divorce off of the menu, I have taken away leverage. However, that is how I have to have it. If there is misery in the marriage, I am only responsible for only 50% of it. Sadly, Sybil will never see that.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
3 comments:
Also, if I may....another Boundary to install. Sleep Deprivation as a PD control tactic is a very real thing. There's a reason that cults, torturers, brain-washers and that ilk employ it on their victims -- it's highly effective....! As such picking fights or starting the lovely un-resolvable circular 'discussions' right at bedtime is hardly an accident by the PD -- they know exactly what they're doing. And if memory serves correctly from your previous posts, there was a lot of that going on here -- at least in the past there was. If it is still occurring, and you haven't already shut it down, please do so STAT (in a firm but Medium Chill sort of way). Remember, a normal spouse who truly cares and has compassion would actually FACILITATE his/her partner's sleep, not actively interfere with it....
While I fancy myself an intelligent person, Sybil is in a word cunning. I am extremely disappointed in myself for taking this long. As I wrote in the post, I was in such denial: I just knew I could reason with her. However, she is a high functioning PD (in my opinion). I've seen her chew me or the kids out and, literally flip a switch, speak on the phone in a rational, reasonable, even jovial tone. Hence the moniker of Sybil. Few people have seen the side Sybil with which I live.
As for sleep deprivation, I had not thought of that. We rarely have an argument in the morning. It is always late (11 pm is when it would start). Now, I tend to facilitate the drama by "feeding the beast" by using JADE to keep it all going. I am stubborn: I just know I can get her to come around. Anyway, am dragging for the next few days.
I wouldn't know what a normal spouse is. I don't think I've ever seen a woman with true grace (and I don't mean poise). Grace in the sense of trying to come to a mutually beneficial consensus...building bridges...being a mature adult. May be they are out there, though.
I'm sorry you have such a dim view of women, but if all you have ever known have been PD ones, I can hardly blame you.
In any case Personality Disorders are spectrum disorders. Lowest end of the spectrum and a person may only display the "traits of" a personality disorder, so that at worst they can be mildly annoying to deal with at times. Highest on the spectrum and you have people that are truly malignantly toxic -- criminally dangerous and capable of causing serious destruction and harm. So obviously there is a very wide and vast range between the two extremes....
There are also Overts, and Coverts. Overt PD's are easy enough to spot -- those know-it-all braggarts, grandiose and lacking in much self-control who hide nothing and seldom hesitate to let it all hang out. But Coverts are much different. Far sneakier. Harder to pinpoint. Covert PD's may actually care about what others (who are not family of course) think of them. A lot. So much so they hide their true natures and work hard to maintain a public persona, and a private one. To the general public they may present themselves as generous, helpful, caring people (which strokes their ego). They are often well liked and even admired by strangers, acquaintances and contacts -- "pillars of the community". But behind closed doors, out of the public eye and to those closest to them, it's an entirely different story. The mask slips, the gloves come off, and things get really ugly, really quick, as they endeavor to take all their inner angst, bile and frustrations out upon their easiest, softest targets. Of course, they've conditioned us to be soft, while at the same time counting on us to not expose them. And, due to fear or shame, enabling, or just plain FOG, we usually don't expose them. They've bamboozled enough people (us along with them) that who would believe it anyway? So yeah, that's a Covert for you....
All in all it's a very complex condition for sure. But you are learning. Hang in there.
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