21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
It does not matter how large or how small the transgression. We are instructed to forgive.
Forgiveness can be hard to do. There may be a lot of emotion tied into the hurt and anger. Letting go of that, for some, is next to impossible. This hurt takes on a life of its own. It grows and breathes and before one knows it, it takes over. By putting things into perspective and seeing the bigger picture, forgiving someone can be easier.
What about someone, who keeps on hurting me? It, simply, does not matter. We are supposed to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times." In other words, we are to keep forgiving those who ask for it. Since we are all hopelessly flawed, we must forgive someone as another has forgiven us. We all go through life hurting others, either maliciously or inadvertently. Since we expect to be forgiven by that person and God for our transgressions and sins, we must forgive others theirs no matter what.
I bring all of this up because a successful marriage will need forgiveness. It can be needed from leaving the seat up to adultery. If one person in the marriage feels that he/she can no longer forgive, then it is in trouble. I fear that Wife is at this point. With my "foot in mouth disease" I am always saying the wrong thing. Sunday night, after much discussion, I said, "Alright, since you don't enjoy my mother visiting and it will be a stressful time, I'll tell her not to come." She, rightfully, say this as shifting the blame/guilt onto her. A huge fight ensued, and I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Two days later she is still barely speaking to me. They say time heals all wounds, but have I gone too far? What character flaw do I have to find the most assholish comment possible and say it? How can I over come this flaw? How do I get Wife to be a little more patient and understanding? Am I just screwed? Is she most of the problem? Does she need a pill? Do I need a pill?
5 comments:
There's a post on http://dubiouswonder.blogspot.com/ in which she talks about forgiveness. My faith is very important to me and I believe whatever the Bible says is true and that I should follow it. You should forgive someone. But does that give them the right to continue to sin against you, especially if it's malicious? They should also be seeking forgiveness from you about how they mistreat you. Marriage is such hard work and I am separated. My husband cheated on me, but I blame myself for our break-up in that neither one of us worked very hard on the relationship. And if you don't, it's not going to work. I applaud you for trying.
Can you stop for a minute before speaking and think about what you're saying and how your wife will perceive it? Because women do hear things much differently than men do. Learn from what has happened in the past when you speak. "Yes, dear" always works.
I realize that my comments anger Wife. The problem is it happens in the "heat of the moment," when my emotions get the best of me. I need to learn to recognize that feeling and learn to stop, take a breath, and think about what I'm going to say. It usually occurs during one of her famous lectures, which I can't stand. Another character flaw is not liking being told what to do.
Forgiveness....
A deep and ongoing lessson we have opportunities to learn over and over again.
If you read my blog, you will see I left a sexless marriage. I forgave him for treating me the way he did, but forgiving is about the forgiver and not the forgivee. One chooses to forgive for themselves and their spirit. If they choose not to forgive, it is their issue, not yours. You can ask, pray, work, hope, act, and live the best you can .. constantly showing you have learned from your mistakes, but it is STILL up to the person who is or feels wronged to extend forgiveness. I forgave my ex, but decided I wanted a different type of marriage.
Now, in terms of what you say, you are in complete control of your actions or lackthereof. It is a good idea to practice listening to what you say as well as what she says. Review your comments after a fight and pause if you think you feel you are going to say something heavy. I am a fan of complete honestly, but sense there are sensitive issues at hand, maybe some delayed responses are necessary.
Just my thoughts.
Danica
Well done!
I'm not sure your comment warranted a fight. You were trying to be accomodating. Instead of shifting blame, maybe try to shift responsibility. "What do you want me to do?" or "What do you expect me to do?" You'll probably get more lecturing, but it might help you soften up on not liking to be told what to do.
It isn't easy being married to someone so choleric! But I think you are doing a decent job of it. You're devoting some effort into thinking about it and that will help move things if you stick with it. I know I'm a lot less intense about things, thanks to writing and thinking about it and having this Invisible Internet Friend network of support.
And ultimately, you *do* know that God is there the whole time. Exercise a bit of faith and apply it to the specific problem of expressing your needs in a less hostile way. It's a fair and honorable request, I think God will honor it.
Hang in there. You're doing well.
D.
Hmm, sounds like the problem is on both sides. I think she may have really overreacted to your comment. And I agree with Tajalude too -- it's easy in an argument to use an absolute, like "Fine, I'll never do that again," or "I'll just tell my mother not to come over any more." We know those statements are just going to make the other person mad, so we do we say them? But we do it all the time.
Like you said, take a breath and think before you speak. That always helps. But it is really overreacting to be angry two days later about it.
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