Breakthrough

Well, Wednesday afternoon we finally kissed and made up. I opened up my inner problems of feeling stressed all of the time. The stress was/is making me have anger issues. Little things that Sybil does would irritate the crap out of me until I would make a snarky comment. Sybil was/is worried that I am shutting her out. Truth be told, I kind of was. Ironically, it is far easier to open up on a public forum than to the woman I love. Kind of sad in a way. She is also worried that I won't put her first or communicate with her about things. These things aren't even part of our emotional life but even mundane things (to me). Again, there is a lot truth to that. I have a definite problem with communication. Sybil says I treat her on a "need to know basis." I would say that I simply forget to tell her. However, perception is reality. I have things to work on.

Sybil has started to understand that she, also, has some responsibility for how things are. I have made it plain to her that she cannot talk down to me. Period. She seemed to have no clue that she did this. Again, my not communicating my frustrations and irritations to her doesn't help.

Despite our progress, I cannot help but wonder how much is hormonal. I doubt me bringing up this concern will be helpful. Sybil will say I'm shirking responsibility for my behavior. It is ironic that the calmness we are enjoying comes a day or two after her period is over.

Thank you for all of your comments and concern. The kind of strangers.

I Assume Too Much

Don't ever assume because that makes an ASS out of U and ME. Apparently, things are not all right. Sybil told me today that she is not over all the events that have occurred. She asked me if I had not noticed that she was less "touchy-feely"? To tell the truth, no. I've hardly been alone with Sybil, since last week. Let's run down the last few day's events:

• Friday - We had sleepovers, so instead of 3 kids, we had 3 extra kids.
  
• Saturday - We had 6 kids to deal with all morning.
• Saturday afternoon - I took Son#2 to his all afternoon baseball tournament. Got home around 9:00 pm and very tired. She took our other 2 kids plus the 2 others to the nearby city (around 40 minutes away) for shopping and to get out of the house. They got home around 10:30. We all went to bed.
• Sunday - I got everyone up and moving that morning. Sybil took the 2 extra kids plus our older 2 to church. I took Son#2 to finish his baseball tournament. Afterwards, I took him to grab a bite to eat and then to my office. I spent the next 3 hours shampooing the carpets. She took Son#1 to his youth activities, and I took the younger 2 back home. I came down with a massive cold that night and had no sleep.
• Monday - After work I ran a couple of errands (one for Sybil and one for me), went home, and went bed by 7:30 pm (no sleep the night before). She took Son #2 to another baseball game and didn't get home until around 10:00 pm.

Until today, I had been planning a trip to the beach during the kids' Spring Break. No one else in the family has ever been to the beach, so I figure it'll be fun besides we've never really been on a real vacation. Being the blissfully ignorant fool that I am, I think things are going along pretty good. Sybil informs me that she doesn't want to go on a vacation with me, especially given how I've treated her over the past. "Do you really think a vacation will smooth things over with her?" she asks. I tell her that I had no intention of using a vacation to butter her up but for the reasons given above. She tells me that she doesn't want to go with me and didn't I know from the way she has been acting towards me? I tell her that I've barely seen her, so no I didn't know.

When does it end? Sybil has already had her pound of flesh, right? To her I treat her badly and she treats me so well. Ultimately, it is my fault. I have not been demanding enough of her and have let her take me for granted.

Sybil, is that you?

Well, we survived the weekend with our marriage intact. I had my doubts, but here we are. Wife back to her normal self. She is happy and relatively easy going. I'm left asking WTF? She continues the pattern of approximately 5 to 7 days before her period of becoming a bitch from hell.

So, from now on her name is Sybil.

Developing...

Smackdown

Had it out with Wife last night. Nothing was really resolved. I'm still the reason our marriage is in the crapper. It seems I don't care enough. Why does she have this feeling? It has to with last week's comment. I showed her no respect in front of her friends at the spa. To top it all off, I did not keep bringing it up after Friday. She has declared our marriage dead. Wife will love me enough to go through the motions but not love me with her whole heart, whatever that means. But, the icing on the cake was my lack of caring about it enough to bring up the situation (again) after Thursday's and Friday's discussions. She said she basically wants a divorce (or will "love me just enough").

If Wife has a problem with me, shouldn't she be the one to bring it up? All of this over a comment. I asked her, if there was a chance of regaining her love. She answered with a cryptic, "What do you think?" She thanked me for teaching her to put her guard up and that was it. I can understand her frustration, but when does it end?

Developing...

Nothin' New

Not much different going on here. Wife and I are keeping things superficial. I really hate confrontation, but I know I will have to take initiative. The thing that happened last Thursday is still reverberating today. I'm not sure I can get over it.

1. How does one get over being called rude and inconsiderate at nearly every turn?
2. How does one get over being berated over a stupid comment over and over?
3. How does one get over the anger and blow-ups?
4. How does deal with the stress of work and the greater stress of living with someone like Wife?

I know Wife feels the same way in many ways. She blames me for all that is wrong in the marriage, not that I'm ducking responsibility.

I grew up living with a woman that threw tantrums on a fairly regular basis. Am I doomed to live with someone like that?

Happy Anniversary/St. Patty's Day

Today is my parent's 40th Anniversary. Pretty amazing stuff, when viewed in light of the high divorce rate that started in their generation. As I reflect on their marriage, I ask myself: how does a couple stay married for that long without one killing the other and trying to hide the body?

As chronicled here in this blog, my marriage has its definite ups and downs. Last night we had another fight until about 2:00am, so if my post makes no sense, please forgive me. What did we fight about? A very small comment made by me during a moment of frustration. It was snarky, but did it warrant an argument lasting until the wee hours? No. Wife was trying to find out how she can get her full spa day and get to Son #1's teacher meeting at the same time with me saying there is no way she can do it, she just needs to cancel it, and finally saying, "I didn't get to do what I wanted to, either" (that was the comment I made). It was out of frustration because she was did not want to inconvenience the spa staff (by leaving a hole in their schedule at the last minute), thought these meetings never start on time (we were a minute late and the teacher called her on her cell phone to check on us), and thought I could handle it (yes, but I doubt to her specifications). That was our fight.

This morning as I sit and think about my parents. I look back at the fights they had. I realize it is normal to some degree, but at what point does one say screw it and leave? Is there ever a reason for divorce? My faith tells me of only one: adultery. However, this morning as I'm dropping the kids off as she sleeps, I can only think of three reasons: my kids. As much as it pains me to say it, I am tired of being berated for comments made "in the heat of battle." I can understand her stating her irritation, which would be met with my heart-felt apology. However, I do not think I take much more of this.

It seems to me, dear readers, that the best way to screw up a relationship is to marry and have kids. The stresses of living with someone, raising kids, trying to further a career, etc. may be too much. All of this tends to kill the joys of being together. The lasting scars of these conflicts are becoming too much for me (and I think for her, but she will not bear any responsibility for her part in it and just blames me). I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually tired. I'll never understand how my parents did it.

Straw Poll

In a way I'm blessed with a wife that enjoys sex. Also, Wife is a knockout on the outside. Unfortunately, we're never happy with what we have, are we? The problem is that the sex is rather boring. I make a move on her, she takes her clothes off, and lays on her back, expectantly. She makes a move on me and the same thing happens. Although this is enjoyable after a dry spell, I would like a little more...um...effort. All of the foreplay is done by me. She would rather "get it on." Wife seems not to want/need much of a warm-up. Coupled with some serious hang-ups, and one gets boring sex.

The straw poll:

Would you rather have fantastic sex with an ordinary appearing person, OR would you rather have ordinary sex with a fantastic looking person?

Personally, I'd rather have the fantastic sex, because quantity is no substitute for quality.

Quandary

At first I was going to post about needs and expectations, but something happened this weekend to push that onto the back burner.

We have a church friend (friend 1), who went through a sudden divorce about 6 months ago. Almost immediately after the break-up, she started dating another guy. One thing led to another and now they are supposed to be getting married. Unfortunately, it has come to Wife's attention that the friend's boyfriend/fiance has issues. It has filtered to Wife that he answers the friend's cell phone, will not let her leave his sight, and, I think, physically threatened her. To complicate things further, Wife heard all of this through a mutual friend (friend 2). It is obvious to Wife and me that friend 1 is in an abusive relationship, if the facts hold up.

Friday Wife was alone with our Associate Pastor (AP) and told him the story. He became quite concerned and wanted to speak with Friend 2 to make sure he was getting the facts straight. On Sunday morning, after church, AP and friend 2 have a conversation. This conversation leads him to her that he will be contacting Safe Space and meeting with a representative at friend 1's workplace. The idea being to save her from the guy.

quandary: Wife is racked with guilt because of

1. Betrayed friend 2's confidence.
2. The situation may be nothing more than a misunderstanding.
3. Wife may be spreading rumors.

I have told Wife repeatedly that she did the right thing. If it is all a misunderstanding, then she can ask for forgiveness and all will be well. If not, then she may have saved someone from years of pain. I keep spouting the Edmond Burke quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." It may help, but seems to do little to assuage her guilt. I don't know what else to say.

Amazing!

WIND!


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Thanks to shining star.

Aftermath

After I posted the last entry, Wife woke up, when I came back to bed. We argued for about another hour or so. She apologized for waking me up and said that she was not trying to be critical but wanted to know what had not been done for the cleaning lady. The "discussion" boiled down to me asking her what she considered my obligations were. Is it fair to expect me to take on the stress of earning enough money to keep up our standard of living and do 50% of the domestic stuff. Her answer was vague. She considered my obligation to do whatever was needed for the family. I kind of thought I was already.

HTN made an interesting comment. Basically, since I work roughly 10 hours a day earning our money, how much time does she spend on domestic chores? Although Wife does work about 3 or 4 hours a day in the office doing bookkeeping, she does not spend another 6 or 7 hours a day doing domestic chores.

A good snapshot of her day starts with her getting out of bed at around 8:30 am. Wife says she is up at 7:30 (when the kids and I leave), but I rarely see that. She has to sip her coffee while she watches her inane morning shows. It takes her a good hour to get ready for the day, although I admit the effect is stunning. So it is now anywhere from 9:30 to 10:30 am. Now, she does not take time here to straighten the house. The same dishes in the sink will be there, when I come home tonight. For the next 5 hours she will either:

a. Come to the office and work on the bookkeeping
b. Go to the church to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
c. Go to the school to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
d. Shop
c. Anything else that will keep her from home.

At the 3:00 pm she picks up the kids and takes them to whatever after school activities they are doing. At 5:30 to 6:00 I help with running the kids around. Except the first Tuesday of the month. Wife does bonko on that night, so I have to run to all of the various activities without her help.

Yet, Wife will get bent out of shape, if I say she does nothing at home. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Now, don't get me wrong: if she were earning the money and I stayed home, then I would be expected to do the majority of the housework. I totally agree that housework is drudgery but so is any other job. Get over it.

I'm a little bitter. I do not think Wife is keeping her end of the bargain. Is it fair to expect me to earn all of the money and do half of the housework? You tell me.

She Won't Get It

After a long, hard day's work, I finally get to go to bed. I've been asleep for about an hour, when the Wife comes in. She makes a lot of noise in preparation for going to bed. See, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow, so we have to make sure the house is clean. Anyway, I am half asleep, but unbeknownst to me, I am getting the third degree. She, in her rapid fire way, asks, "What did you do, when you got home?" "Why didn't you put up the laundry, the dishes,etc." Meanwhile, I am laying there thinking, "What the hell is going on?" I even ask her twice is there a problem?

A little background information to help set the scene is in order. I work about ten hours a day in a rather stressful occupation which is also my own business. Wife is a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). Each day I get myself and our three kids up, ready and dropped off at school. Wife lays in bed. She might be conscious, when I leave (most times not). We have hired a cleaning woman to come every other week to clean the house; my dress clothes (for work) are sent to a laundry (no ironing); she never cooks; and we rarely have any food in the house.

Because of last fight, I went to this website and downloaded this questionnaire. We each filled it out. She basically said that I don't communicate with her and don't listen to her. Fair enough. I'd say that was a pretty fair assessment, and I am working to improve. My answers revealed that she doesn't show me admiration and does not provide for my domestic needs. She took great umbrage to me saying that she doesn't provide for my domestic needs. We argued for a long time about that. Wife could never really see the light.

So now it is very late (or very early depending on one's point of view). I am pissed off. I am unable to go back to sleep, yet Wife is sound asleep. I was rudely awoken out of a sound sleep and grilled about my activities tonight. When asked why she was home so late from a cooking class, Wife answered they stayed around talking about ghosts. When asked why she didn't call to let me know what's up, she answered that she didn't want to seem rude by leaving the conversation. Lame.

A lot of the blogs I read talk about the lack of physical intimacy, and that is important. In a marriage, there are other things that just as important.

Tagged

I've been tagged by shining star and daddy's lil girl for seven songs that I'm into right now.

In no particular order:

1. Wake Me When September Ends - Greenday
2. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
3. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
4. Flake - Jack Johnson
5. Carmina Burana: O Fortuna - Boston Symphony
6. Boom, Like That - Mark Knopfler
7. Float On - Modest Mouse

Now for seven people:

I'm not sure I know seven bloggers, so I'll send it out to seven people who stop by.