Today is my parent's 40th Anniversary. Pretty amazing stuff, when viewed in light of the high divorce rate that started in their generation. As I reflect on their marriage, I ask myself: how does a couple stay married for that long without one killing the other and trying to hide the body?
As chronicled here in this blog, my marriage has its definite ups and downs. Last night we had another fight until about 2:00am, so if my post makes no sense, please forgive me. What did we fight about? A very small comment made by me during a moment of frustration. It was snarky, but did it warrant an argument lasting until the wee hours? No. Wife was trying to find out how she can get her full spa day and get to Son #1's teacher meeting at the same time with me saying there is no way she can do it, she just needs to cancel it, and finally saying, "I didn't get to do what I wanted to, either" (that was the comment I made). It was out of frustration because she was did not want to inconvenience the spa staff (by leaving a hole in their schedule at the last minute), thought these meetings never start on time (we were a minute late and the teacher called her on her cell phone to check on us), and thought I could handle it (yes, but I doubt to her specifications). That was our fight.
This morning as I sit and think about my parents. I look back at the fights they had. I realize it is normal to some degree, but at what point does one say screw it and leave? Is there ever a reason for divorce? My faith tells me of only one: adultery. However, this morning as I'm dropping the kids off as she sleeps, I can only think of three reasons: my kids. As much as it pains me to say it, I am tired of being berated for comments made "in the heat of battle." I can understand her stating her irritation, which would be met with my heart-felt apology. However, I do not think I take much more of this.
It seems to me, dear readers, that the best way to screw up a relationship is to marry and have kids. The stresses of living with someone, raising kids, trying to further a career, etc. may be too much. All of this tends to kill the joys of being together. The lasting scars of these conflicts are becoming too much for me (and I think for her, but she will not bear any responsibility for her part in it and just blames me). I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually tired. I'll never understand how my parents did it.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
7 comments:
Marriage is very difficult, and it requires constant tending. For me and my ex, we'd fight over the same things, over and over again, ad nauseum. For 20 years this went on. Neither one of us, it seems now, felt that it was worth putting the time into our relationship to fix things. There was such resentment and bitterness.
I felt like we were on a treadmill, with nothing ever changing and I was miserable. Still, I felt like we should stay together unless there was infidelity.
Last May, I found emails and photos that indicated to me that my ex had cheated on me, and I booted him out. In truth, I was looking for a way out of the marriage and I found it. I am reveling in my new found freedom and have met a man who is so kind and good to me. I look back at those 20 years and compare it to how I feel now. I would never wish any of it away, though, because I have three amazing, wonderful, beautiful children from the marriage.
I don't advocate divorce, but whatever you can do before things worsen, do now. Counseling, getting away for the weekend, reading books on relationships, and anything else. At least if it doesn't work, you can say that you gave it your all.
Why don't you ask your parents those exact questions? See what they have to say about it.
I like what the above commenter wrote in her last paragraph -- do whatever you can do now. Getting away for some weekends together, reading books, counselling, whatever. Having kids can make things more challenging, but it shouldn't ruin the relationship.
I am still baffled by your wife's life. I can only imagine how many over-worked women (and men) would love to spend a day in her shoes.
I can't completely understand (and hear) your frustration. Like the others have said, do what you can now because the future really looks bleak if it stays like this. To me, it seems like you are living day in and day out miserably by her side. I'm sorry.
Me and hubby was together almost 10 years before we had a child.... The most challenging has been the last 3 years since our daughter has been born.....and it's been up and down....and up and down....You just have to do it together!!
Have a great day!!!
Counseling is probably out of the question. In past blow-ups, I have brought up counseling as a possible way to help us. Wife was always quick to shoot it down. She is slow to change her mind, if she does. I prefer it to the situation we have now. The incident was on a Thursday. We have argued about it nearly all day Thursday and Friday. It hasn't been brought up today (Saturday). However, I feel it floating under the surface.
zdg63-
I've been keeping up with you on your blog. I can only say that I hope things pass for you quickly. Yep, it's a big shit sandwhich and we all have to take a bite.
First time visitor, so don't know the whole story. My marriage was dead for years before I finally called it quits. My faith, hope in change, my boys, were all reasons I stayed, miserable the whole time.
Sending positive thoughts your way!
If she won't go, consider getting counseling yourself. At a minimum they can teach each of you how to fight "fair".
She seems to be going over the same moment again and again and not letting it go. There's something underlying what she wants, that she's not getting or hearing that will make this one issue go away. If you've sincerely appologized for hurting her feelings (tho if you really didn't get to do what you wanted, then I'm not sure I understand what her issue is with the comment, it's truth, tho the WAY it was said may have bugged her more than the words...?)
Raising kids requires giving up much of what we want, especially when they are little, (they say) and it requires team work.
Yes, kids are a major change to any relationship. HUGE.
What is her anger REALLY about.
Generally someone yells at another because that other person is NOT doing what they expect or want them to do.
While we can adapt, and give more to our partner when we better understand what they need, we can't MAKE another person happy. That must come from within.
And she doesn't sound like a very happy person. And it's much easier to point a finger elsewhere than accept that you yourself are part of the problem and NEED TO BE a part of the solution.
Have you ever considered a marriage encounter weekend? They teach communication primarily. But the way they do it that weekend really gets you both to start talking and listening to each other, in a GOOD way. Each gets their chance to make their points, and learns how to "take in" their partner's points.
Might be worth a shot anyway.
Counseling probably more necessary at this time - for mediation if anything-- cut thru the words and get to the bottom of the real issues.
Emotional abuse is abuse just the same. Been there. My marriage didn't make it. I went to couseling he would not. (at least until I was long gone). He's destroyed 3 marriages now, at last count.
Another good read is "5 love languages". We all have slightly different preferences and needs as to how we express and feel loved. Understanding how you and she are "wired" is a step in the right direction.
Good luck
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