Not in the Mood

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

That passage is the Apostle Paul telling the folks in Corinth that married couples should be getting it on. It even talks about the husband owning the wife's body, and the wife owning the husband's body. What does that mean? Is a wife supposed to submit control over to her husband? Husband to wife? Control still keeps cropping up. In today's post, boys and girls, I am setting that aside. You see, I am not in the mood.

I have chronicled Sybil's and my interactions fairly faithfully up until recently. I stopped, because I saw it as a form of complaining and inaction. Just because I have lessened my posting on Sybil does not mean things have really improved.

It seems that I am not in the mood...to have sex with my wife. At this moment in time, if I had choose between sex with Sybil and reading an interesting book, I'd choose the book. We have not had sex in over 2 weeks. Now, that may not be a long time for some, but that is a long time for us. The stress of marriage and the stress of work seemed to have sapped my desire away.

The decrease is almost scary. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be going through this. Maybe raw oysters are needed?

Developing...

Control Continued...

I've just gotten around to trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. I just read Digger's latest post. He tends to be a very introspective person and is struggling to obtain more sex. He wrote:

Sexual leftovers is what every couple has when it comes to sex. Each person makes a list of what is too disgusting and perverted and then the other person makes their list and then you agree on the leftovers. That’s what you call compromise, right? But that leads to sexual boredom which leads to tension and eventual gridlock. At some point, the anxiety comes to a head and then has to be dealt with.

I'll be posting on this thought soon. It is very enlightening and ties in with my last post.

Control

How many of us yearn for control? How many need that illusion of being in control of one's life, or at least certain aspects?

Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.

The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.

I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.

Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.

This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.

One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.

Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.

Surviving

We survived Christmas. The kids didn't get a lot this year, but they already have everything. It was kind of low key. I hope all of you out in blog land had a good Christmas.

I'm still thinking about what direction this blog should go. I think the theme of me vs. Sybil is finished. Sybil and I still have our blow-ups. I guess every couple does. The drama is at a lower pitch, however.

I'm thinking about sex. I do not want to make this into a sex blog, but I do want to explore Sybil's and my differences. You, gentle reader, get to be bored with tears over the next few posts. I'm not sure where this will lead.

New Directions

I've been remiss in posting these last few months. I'd like to say that the drama betwixt Sybil and myself has abated. I can say it. It wouldn't be true. But, I can say it. To our credit, it has decreased. The tone and vitriol has decrease, somewhat. That's not the reason for my absence. Nope. I'll give some lame excuses: kids keeping me too busy (very true 3 kids with all of the activities); work has snowballed (things have slowed down quite a bit as far as income, so I've got find new ways of generating income); etc.

All true. The real reason is that I'm needing to find a way to be more positive. I'm not this negative person that seems to come across in my writings. At least I don't think I am. All this blog seems to portray is my struggle with maintaining my marital bliss.

I doubt that I will totally stop posting about all of the drama. I mean everyone looks at a car wreck. I am going to try and post on more general topics and more philosophical topics regarding relationships. I'm not sure where that will take me. I will say that my thoughts and feelings on that subject have changed quite a bit over the years.

This blog has served its purpose of giving me an outlet to "vent my spleen." It is time to putting words into action.

I hope everyone has a truly Merry Christmas and a truly Happy New Year. I'm not sure, if I'll be able to post again until '09.

- Aphron

Since the Election is Over I Miss Those Polls...

There are times I don't feel like writing a post about something that has happened because it's already been written. In my last post, someone commented on my lack of taking control of the situation. For the next two weeks, I'll be running this poll to gauge my reader's opinions. So remember in the immortal words of ACORN: Vote early and vote often.

On That Road to Hell

Sybil and I had another major blow-up this weekend. We had little tiffs all last week, but Saturday's was a doozy.

We had gotten one of those Pitney-Bowes mailing machines. Since we do quite a bit of mailings, we thought we could give it a try. Sybil spent a good amount of time on Friday setting it up. She had to call the PB people. However, she managed to get the thing up and running.

On Saturday, I was at the office finishing up on some tasks. I looked at the back of the machine, noticed a USB cable had one end connected to the PB, but the other end was unconnected. I unrolled it and was going to connect it to a computer. It was too short, so I couldn't connect it.

As I'm driving home, I call Sybil and ask her if we need to buy a longer cable. She gets extremely agitated. Suddenly, we're on. We spend the rest of the day fighting. If I am understanding her correctly, my action reveals how thoughtless I am. I should have remembered that she said the machine was working, I should not have tampered with someone's "project," and obviously I do not really care about anything she says or does. I find myself feeling completely blindsided. All I can say is, "I was trying to help; I didn't mean any harm." Pretty pathetic, but it is the truth. As the argument continues, I explain that I am who I am. I am not sure that I am able to make the changes she wants. If she can't live with that, then maybe she should make a change. Sybil takes of her ring, threw in my direction, and storms out of the room.

That is how things went Saturday, and they were no better Sunday. Sybil still did not wear her ring. I tried to have her put it on. She refused. She said my last comment tells her how I really feel. If I did not really feel that way, then I would not have even thought it much less said it. I try to explain that it came out during the heat of the moment. Sybil would not even entertain that possibility.

Essentially, we are reliving the same old argument over and over. Sybil needs me to worry over the little things. She wants to me to stress out about every little detail and worry about how that impacts the other person. I explain to her that I am not sure that is even possible. I explain to her that living like that does not sound very enjoyable. Explaining to Sybil that I want us to enjoy each other's company and build a refuge from the world. She asks how can we do that, when I won't work at our marriage. She wants me to worry about our marriage. I get the work at our marriage thing. I do feel that I am trying to do that, apparently not enough for Sybil. I'm not so sure about the worry about our marriage. Living with worry, walking on eggshells, being on constant guard is not a life, in my opinion. When I express that to Sybil, she says she is not asking me to do that; she is asking me to think about how every single, little action has large repercussions. I guess there is a difference, but I'm not sure what it is.

That is where we are. Over 36 hours of fighting has not resolved the issues. Sybil still does not wearing her ring. To think that it all started with good intentions.

Same Stuff Different Day

Did anyone see this article awhile back? Does anyone do that? What happens when one partner is trying to add a "little spice," and the other is perfectly happy with status quo? I'd really like to know, who these people are. I'm not sure they really exist.

There was a time, when I tried to add a little zest in things. The great thing about beating one's head against a wall is that it feels good, when one stops. Things are so much easier now that I have had to mold my desires more in line with Sybil's. I figured that there are so many other things we stress out about that adding one more pressure point isn't healthy. I guess one could say I gave up.

Isn't that the point of a happy, healthy marriage? One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's. Some may call that compromise or selling out. I call it conflict resolution. I've resolved one area of conflict in Sybil's and my marriage. By doing so, we can move on to all the other petty fights we have. I am hoping to eventually remove any and all issues which may precipitate a fight. Since I have no control over Sybil and her reactions, this will prove to be very difficult.

One example is retirement. I long to retire. I don't mean to stop working but to stop HAVING to work. I want to investigate other avenues of wealth accumulation other than a typical IRA/mutual fund (I was wanting to do this before all of the current unpleasantness). My career is very stressful. Dealing with people and trying to meet their expectations is very difficult. On a day-to-day basis it becomes a drag. Well, Sybil said to me this weekend that she doesn't foresee me ever retiring and the thought of being in that position is not something she really thinks about. She loves to work. However, she likes to do things, but she does not like to make hard decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She may be working hard in our business, but she does not have to deal with people and their expectations, hire/fire, etc. She comes and goes on her schedule. I can see why she does not want to retire.

What's the answer? I don't have one. I just know that I try to keep plodding along. I keep reminding myself that in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter. We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.

I'm a Jerk

Firstly, I apologize for my lack of posting. I've been extremely busy putting out fires at work. Also, Sybil and I have been too focused on work to really get into it. That ended last night.

I've written in these pages bemoaning the "vanilla" sex we have. I try to look on the positive side of things. At least I'm having sex. I've come to the realization that Sybil and I will never have the same proclivities, shall we say? Like everything else in her life, Sybil wants sex to be ordered, and she wants sex to be on her terms only. After fifteen years of marriage, I decided that certain things will always be off limits and to keep trying only adds to my and Sybil's frustration. I gave up on trying and made myself focus only enjoying what I was able to do in those narrow confines.

Before I get into the matter of last night, let me say that I am not asking for anything crazy. I'm only asking for certain things of an oral variety. Both giving and receiving. I'm only asking for her to have a more active role in things. Basically, our sex life goes like this: I make my move (either kissing or touching or both), she lies back in expectation, I take off her clothes, I take of my clothes, and then we go at it. This is how it goes 85% of the time. To "spice" things up, she may go to her fall back position, if I let it be known that's how I want it. Essentially, Sybil might be classified as a "sub." Ironically, she wants to be in complete control of the situation. The dichotomy is really confusing.

Anyway, last night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Sybil had her head on my stomach and was touching me while we watched TV. I was touching her too, but because of the angle she was a bit more intimate. I was really enjoying this. It is rare for her to do this. I was greedy for it. At one point she decided to become a bit more playful and tried to move her head to block my view of the TV. I playfully moved her head down. She jumped out of bed feigning indignation. After a minute or two, she got back in bed with her back to me. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I kind of became pissed off. When Sybil got back into bed, she had her foot on me. Apparently, this was my signal to begin. I should have known that she was only playing. During all of this, I knew Sybil wanted me to take over, yet why do I have to do all of the work all of the time? She started the session, but I have to finish it. I did not make move towards her. Since she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for, she became pissed off herself. A small argument ensued, and I am a jerk.

Now that I've had time to reflect on things, I see that I did probably act a little childishly. It would have been nice, if she would have just kissed me or whatever. I would have probably taken over from there. Her reaction of jumping out bed and acting like that put me off. When she did that, it killed the mood for me. I guess I had an idea of how things would go. When things didn't go that way, I got mad. Of course, I could say that about Sybil. She thought by acting "hard to get" I would become even more excited. In this case it backfired for her. I see that I may have acted selfishly, but Sybil does think she did anything wrong. This dichotomy is killing me. Either take control of the situation and do things the way one wants it done, or one should let the partner be control. Don't try to be a submissive control freak. It is kind of schizophrenic.

Update

Things are actually going pretty good.  Sybil and I have started a diet and lost some weight.  We have really cut back on our carbs.  Not only have we lost weight, but also our attitude towards each other has improved.  I don't know if the food we were eating had anything to do with it, or we started feeling better.  Either way, it's nice.  Although sex is still rather vanilla, we're having more of it.  I can't speak for Sybil, but I guess my outlook has improved.  None of the dirty laundry has gone away.  We never solved our issues, so I'm guessing it was all a state of mind.  No big surprise.

We've been so busy with work.  School has started for our kids and our kids' activities have increased.  That leaves little time for things like blogging.  Son #1 has started the high school.  It seems weird that I have a child old enough to be in high school.  Daughter started middle school.  However, it's Son #2 that keeps us on the go.  He has started playing in a local competitive soccer league.  That will entail some slight travel.  There goes our weekends.

With this (hopefully not temporary) change, it's made be believe things were in a vicious cycle.  Sybil would resent me for stuff which caused her to treat me a certain way.  In turn, I would resent Sybil for stuff which caused me to treat her a certain way.  

That's about it for now.  I don't have a lot of personal drama at the moment.  That's a good thing.  I've never understood those that go out searching for drama.

Been busy...Sorry...We were making these commercials:

I'll be posting more later. WE'RE FAMOUS!

Aphron

Mending Fences

Things have come to a head with Sybil. We had a major blow-up Thursday, and the after shocks are still occurring. There's nothing like being locked in a metal box for 3 hours to provide for some hi jinks.

As you know we had recently visited my parents. The main reason of the visit wasn't seeing my parents (we're not a tight knit family; that's for a later post). Instead, it was to visit one my best friends from high school. He had come home for a visit between duty stations and had just been promoted to sargent-major. In his field, he is a success. It was a great visit. On the way home, Sybil and I were talking about it, and she asked what he made. I had no idea, but I figured he did well. Later that week I ran into someone knowledgeable about such things and asked him.

Last Thursday we were on the road again to meet up with my parents to get our kids. Not thirty minutes into the ride, I tell Sybil what I had found out. Apparently, I had talked quite a bit about my friend and the military. Sybil asked me, if I ever thought about joining the military. I said that not really, but I do have those fleeting "what if" thoughts in my head. No big deal. In previous conversations I had told her that I almost joined the Army right out of high school. Anyway, Sybil freaked out. She started questioning my love for her, the kids, whether I was going to run off and join (which is impossible: I'm almost 40), etc. I tried reassuring her that my talking about it was my happiness for my friend and his success. She thought I was jealous of him, and I wished my life was different. I explained that I had my chance, I don't regret my decision, I love my life, I have no intention of making some radical change, etc. She didn't believe that was what my intentions were.

Apparently, she added the words "recently" to the question "do you ever think about joining?" I missed the recently part. When that was explained to me, I told her that I misheard her, and no, I do not wish I had joined the military. I admit to being guilty of not listening to every word she said. Obviously, I missed that one word. When taking that and my complaining of the stress of my job, she just knew I was unhappy, wanted to leave her and the kids, and join up. Nothing I said could change her mind. I tried to explain that EVERYONE complains about their job/career at some point. Nothing would assure her. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Now, Sybil feels unloved. She feels that I don't love her anymore. She thinks I am staying with her simply for the sake of the kids, or divorce is too expensive for us. She does not believe that I really care about her. The main reason isn't Thursday's blow-up but the aftermath. Whenever we have a blow-up, I'm supposed to broach the subject to her the next day. Since 99% of the time she is mad at me, she expects me to come up to her and bring up the subject. Never mind that we had an hours long argument the day before. If I truly loved her, I would be the one to confront her about it.

I have a problem with that for three reasons:

1. I DO have a problem with confrontation. I have this perverse desire for everyone to like me. I'm the Nice Guy. I don't waves or drama. I want a simple discussion with a simple resolution. After the discussion I want that to filed away into the Past.

2. I'm not the one that "owns" the problem. If I am mad at someone, I am supposed to confront that person. It sounds silly to me. If someone doesn't come to me with a problem, I'm not going to work on fixing the problem. I maybe looking at things wrong, but it almost sounds as if Sybil wants her pound flesh too.

3. With Sybil, there is no simple discussion. I've done the broaching the next day once or twice. It did not change the results of the argument. Re-hashing it does not lead to some greater understanding or an epiphany.

I do not want a divorce. I know all anyone reads here is Sybil's bad side. She is actually a wonderful person. Like anyone else, it's difficult to live with her. Sadly, I have to mend fences with her. I know what she wants; I'm not sure I can make the changes she wants/needs.

Ketchup...er...Catch Up

Sybil and I survived our trip to my folks. We had two spots of drama. One was medium sized and the other small. Neither involved me, directly. Really not a bad trip. For now, Sybil and I are in a good place. I know that won't last long, but I'll enjoy it while I can. This drama centered on my brother's kids. It's complicated. He married, had a kid, divorced, remarried, and now has a combined family. The new daughter seems to get preferential treatment. Sybil expected me to make a comment to my parents about the situation. Not sure how to approach that.

Yesterday, I did read some blog entries. One of the running themes is about sexual mores. One partner (usually the wife but not always) has limitations of what is allowed. Boundaries are set and rarely moved. Others posted about marital sadism: how people in a relationship know what the other wants but refuses to do it.

For my own part, Sybil and I have those problems. She knows what I want but rarely acquiesces. She has two excuses: it's disgusting or she'll be taken for granted. Let's dive into that, shall we?

The first response is disgust. This revolves around certain sex acts, namely oral sex performed on her. Sybil knows one of my biggest things (if not the biggest) is to perform on her. She knows that it is very exciting for me. I've told her how much I enjoy it. In those rare instances that she allows it, she will admit to enjoying it. She explains that she has problems with the hygienic aspect of it. Despite my best efforts to reassure that she has nothing to worry about, Sybil continues to believe that she has something to worry about. I think this would be an example of marital sadism. Sybil knows I like doing this to her; she likes having it done; but she cannot get past the irrational aspect of it. Obviously, if the tables were reversed, I think she would be put out.

The next issue that comes up between is Sybil perform oral sex on me. I am a typical guy in this department. I enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm not sure which I enjoy more. Occasionally, Sybil will perform on me. I enjoy it; she indicates that she enjoys it; yet she rarely does it. When asked, her excuse is I'll come to expect it. I'm sure she believes that. I'm not sure why. Sybil hasn't done it enough for me to take it for granted. If I were receiving her services more than once a quarter, I might be able to make a more accurate judgment. Although this example qualifies as marital sadism, I think it goes more towards control. Sybil wants to have a of control of me.

Sex with Sybil is fairly boring. I make my move; she lays on her back; and that's that. Before anyone says anything about communication, I've been there and done that. These are Sybil's boundaries and nothing I say or do will move them. She has a dichotomy: she wants someone to take control, yet will not allow them to be in control. Cake and eat it too.

Sadly, I think this a common problem in marriages. In my case, I've chosen to quit fighting the current. Dialing down my libido helps some. Mainly I've vastly decreased my expectations. Unlike many people, I can have sex just about anytime. I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Out of Town

Sybil and I will be going to visit my parents this weekend. It always leads to fun and frivolity. Usually a visit like this is good for at least two maybe three posts. I'll be back soon...

Without Further Ado...

I finally have some time to work on my "vacation" post.

Every year at the end of June, the family embarks on its big trip. We visit Sybil's family in a big city in a large state. It is a big to do. Sybil and the kids go for one week, and I join them for another week. Being alone for a week would be heaven, if not for the fact that Sybil and I have cell phones. Anyway, being at Sybil's house means there has to be a certain decorum.

For some background, Sybil is from a large Asian city. She came to the states when she was seven. When we visit her folks, I have to act slightly differently. This usually leads to Sybil's wrath and an ensuing "discussion." Sybil is keenly aware of what people say and do, especially yours truly. This is intensified with her family. She is afraid of embarrassment and causing her folks to feel that journeying to visit is hassle. Of course, it is a hassle. However, I don't mind.

This past trip I did two things that really pissed Sybil off. I accept responsibility for my actions. The things I did would have irritated me too. They were unthinking acts.

The first act occurred at a large mall. All five of us, one of her brothers, and our niece (8) and nephew (4) were with us. We spent several hours there. It was time to eat, and we were trying to decide what to eat. There is a Cheesecake Factory there. The kids and I love cheesecake, and we don't have one here. I thought that would be a nice place to go. Sybil decided that would be too much for the kids. Apparently, she and her brother decided to just eat in the food court. Whatever. I was disappointed but whatever. I asked Sybil what she wanted. At first, she said pizza. I knew that was wrong. Sybil doesn't like pizza. I asked again, and she said she doesn't care. I asked a third time, and she told me to "just walk around and see what's available and call me." She was going to sit with the younger kids whilst I got the food. It was starting to become a hassle, because no one wanted to go to the same place. Finally, I told my kids to go to this chicken franchise. I procured the food and brought it back to the table. I totally forgot to walk around and call Sybil. Needless to say, she was not happy. I asked what she wanted. She didn't know. I offered to walk around, and she said forget it. Son #2 didn't finish his food, so she ate that. I got an earful. At first I stated that all she had to do was look around. That I didn't need to "walk around and call her." Naturally, this means that I only care about myself. After all, I had food.

The other big blow-up occurred later that week. The kids and I waited for Sybil and her sister to return for shopping, so we could all go out for dinner. When she arrived, the first thing she did was loudly say, "Hurry up and get your shoes and socks on, so we can go." I replied, "Alright, alright. Chill out." This crawled all over Sybil. She told me to lighten up. She was only joking. I replied that I was too. I explained that the harshness of her tone, when she walked into the house, caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to be rude or cause a scene. See, it wasn't what I said or how I said it; it was only about causing a scene. This would make her parents feel uncomfortable and ask us not to come back, because it's too big of a hassle. Um...ok. Maybe what I said was a little rude, but I doubt her parents would think we were fighting because we were there. Sybil and I just fight.

Sadly, these two incidents cast a pall over the visit. Sybil harbored resentment towards me. There was no great vacation sex. But, there never is with Sybil (see post about Las Vegas). Other than seeing an MLB game, it was kind of calm. Sybil went shopping a lot with her sister, which kept her out of my hair.

You're probably wishing I posted another video.

Just a Little Something to Tide You Over...

Just a little something to extend my misogynistic leanings. I heard this song and chuckled. I don't really think it is about Sybil...much. I hope to accomplish two things: my first video embedding and putting off my visit-to-the-in-laws post.



Enjoy,
Aphron

I'm Back!

Just survived a week long trip to the in-laws. I've been out of pocket for a little while. I'll be brief. I had fun.

Sybil's attitude remains the same. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't help things much. I'll post about in a couple of days. See, it's not all Sybil's fault.

Also, thanks to Therese for filling in on Friday. Since I had to catch a plane, she was graciously filled in. The "Great Blogger Swap" really came at the perfect time.

Great Blogger Swap 2008: Therese in Heaven

When I signed up for the Great Blogger Swap of 2008, I thought it would be easy enough to participate in. I write posts all the time, after all. But then I thought that maybe writing about potty training, sex at parties, and vomit wouldn't be quite seemly on someone else's blog, so figured I should probably shape up a bit. Not an easy thing to do since I'm currently pre-occupied by my dissertation on prairie dog mating rituals.

So as I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal, trying to ignore my annoying pet marsupial, Maxine, what I keep thinking about is just how unbelievably difficult it is to be a good Christian. Scratch that. A good person. Now, I know that the definition of a good person is widely up for debate, however I can't help but wonder if anyone lives up to their own definition. Somebody wise and holy (I can't for the life of me remember who) said something along the lines of: the proof that we didn't just make God up is in the fact that we assign to Him attributes like "All-powerful," "Supreme Judge," and "Knower of all things deep and private in our hearts, including those embarrassing thoughts about Eva Mendez." Why would we make up a God like that? Why would we invent a "Father Figure" who gives out a seemingly endless supply of "tough love" when we could have a grand-father figure, who gives us ice cream for breakfast and lets us stay up late, just because we ask that it be so? No, the God of the Judeo-Christian world is too terribly awesome for our infantile imaginations to dream up. We happen to like our ice cream.

I think that the reason we have so many notions about how we should be, how others should treat us, how we should act, when we know very well that neither ourselves nor anyone else will actually end up behaving that way, is because someone else, far better than any of us, wrote it somewhere inside our hearts that there is something more. Something better. We have a noble purpose in someone else's plan. This intuitive sense gets quite inconvenient when we very badly want to do something very attractive and selfish (like sleep with the pool boy or, what the heck, Eva Mendez), but its still there. That's why a person who fudges on his time card still feels wronged when the plumber tries to squeeze out more money than agreed on for additional "parts" and "labor." We know justice even when we don't live it.

So what is a person to do when we all have these internal standards that no matter what, we (and no one else in history) just can't seem to live up to? I think the writers Zmirak and Matychowiak* summed it up best when they said, "Believe it all, do what you can, admit that you're basically a bastard, and turn to the font of infinite Mercy** as humbly and as often as you can. If there's one thing that's incompatible with Christianity, it's pride, or what today would call 'healthy self-esteem' and a 'clear conscience.'" And on that note, I shall close my post and prepare to ask God for forgiveness. I need it too. I am just a bastard, after all.

Oh, and thank you, Aphron, for your hospitality.

*No, I didn't make them up, but I bet you can't say their names quickly five times.

**For you Catholics, that's time in the box.

Being Outed

In my last post, which the issue was never resolved, Silent Male presented an interesting comment. He highlighted the ramifications, if I were outed. What if Sybil found the blog and read the posts and comments? What ramifications would that bring on?

Well, dear reader, I'm sure you already know what would happen. Given Sybil's temperament, I'm sure not good things would happen. She has already run divorce up the flag pole to see what would happen. The first couple of times, I was shocked into submission. Since I'm a slow learner, I finally figured out that was a form of emotional manipulation at best. Actually, one night she commented, "I guess we should call the lawyers." To which I replied, "Tomorrow would be fine." Naturally, she became upset and accused me of giving up on our marriage. The irony was totally lost on her. Anyway, I'm sure she would begin the procedures of divorce. For me divorce is, simply, not an option. I've listed the reasons somewhere on this blog, but the there are three basic reasons: my three children.

I am left with trying to conceal my blogging. I know that to be completely open and honest with Sybil would bring on Armageddon. I use Mozilla's Firefox because it automatically deletes my browsing history. No one that I know personally knows about my blog. I am as careful as I can be. I do not talk about my work or any other personal events to try to remain anonymous. It is sad in a way.

When I started this blog, it was a to vent the frustrations of my marriage without really causing any long term problems. I had hoped to receive some validation, and I have. Although this blog does not show the whole story of Sybil, I do try to remain objective about she how treats me at times. I am human, and I am sure some bias does creep in. There are some posts that written during a relatively emotional moment.

Although this blog was started as a way of finding vindication, I believe it may be documenting my life with Sybil. I pray it doesn't, but it may have to be used in the event of divorce. Denial is a powerful thing, but I am being to see that I am living with an emotionally abusive person.

I'm a Little Tired

Yesterday was quite eventful, especially the fireworks at the end.

Since I had the day off, Sybil, Son#1 (14), Son #2 (9), and I went to the office and did some work until Sybil and Son #1's orthodontist appointment. Lunch was put off until after 1:30 due to the appointment. We'd already had a full day of fun with Sybil.

We're sitting at lunch, when the topic of David Bowie comes up. Son #1 plays Guitar Hero (or was it Rock Band?), and a factoid came up saying that once David Bowie was hit in the eye with a lollipop at a concert. I said that must explain why one of his pupils being bigger than the other. Sybil begins questioning about it. Finally, I say that it was assumption and not a fact. To which she snaps, "I guess it wasn't the TRUTH!" Practically spitting out the last word. I ask her why she snapped at me. Naturally, she says she didn't. This time I had witnesses. Son #1 got my back and told her that she did. Immediately, Sybil became defensive and denied it. I explained that she had indeed snapped at me. After the third denial, I simply said, "Whatever," and stopped talking. I figure what's the point? She'll never admit to the possibility that she has a sharp tongue.

Flash forward to last night. Just about the time we're going to bed, Sybil starts in. Didn't I know she was mad? No. If one is mad, I shouldn't have to figure it out. She is mad because I stopped talking. I explained my reasoning. She starts yelling at me. By this time she is completely unhinged. She is yelling so much that she is actually spitting on me. The gist is my stopping the conversation during lunch. I try to explain that I didn't want to talk anymore, because she was in denial about the possibility about her demeanor. Sybil continues to deny ever snapping at me. Of course, this isn't a calm, adult conversation. She is continually yelling at me. Finally, she yells, "Why don't you sleep on the couch!?" I, of course, say no. Sybil continues her tirade. Finally, I decided that the couch is preferable to this abuse, so I go sleep on the couch. I cede the field to her.

I'm a little tired. The couch is just a little shorter than me. It was worth not listening to her.

Update...

More discussion with Sybil yields why she was upset. It would appear that she was giving all kinds of signals all day yesterday, and I was supposed to note the signals, go to her, and ascertain the problem. Since I did not approach her and ask what was the matter, she became angry and felt ignored. We had about 30 minutes of alone time, and that was right before going to bed. Also, we never completed our conversation about David Bowie. As to the issue of her demeanor towards me, Sybil is in complete denial that she did anything wrong.