Yes, I'm alive. Just not a lot going on. Sybil and I are in a pretty good place. We have learned how to communicate with each other better. I mean it only took 16 years. That's not to say we don't have our disagreements; we do. It just means they aren't quite to the same level of vitriol as they once were. Yes, she still is a drama queen. Her drama doesn't send me around the bend like it used to do.
Physically speaking, things are about the same. Like many of the blogs I read, we suffer from differing views of what we want. Sybil erected walls that I cannot scale, and boundaries I cannot cross. No amount of communication will ever change that. When I read other blogs, I am grateful to be having sex. Sadly, I am human and always want more than I have. Ratcheting down my wants has seemed to do the trick. Kind of sad, but that is the state of my "affairs".
Although we tend to have our disagreements and have differing sexual "appetities", we have come to realize that we have a pretty good thing going. We, also, have to come realize that we will never be perfect, and we will never have a perfect marriage.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Busted!
I admit it. I was busted yesterday. Sybil and I were eating lunch talking about the day's happenings. Since we were seated with a view looking directly at the front door, we could see every one as they entered the restaurant.
A reasonably attractive, young woman walked in with her boyfriend/significant other. What was noticeable was that her top was low cut with a "V". Apparently, as we talked my eyes followed her to her seat. Sybil noticed this and made a comment. Now, I do not remember thinking unclean thoughts. I did remember thinking that she was reasonably attractive, with a shorter, goofy looking guy, and her hair was similar in cut to the restaurant owner's wife.
When Sybil made her comment, I, jokingly, remarked, "Yeah, but I'll be going home with you." Well, Sybil did not find that funny. She asked what I was thinking as the woman moved towards her seat, because I couldn't complete a sentence. At that time, I could not remember. I still thought it was no big deal (forgetting that EVERYTHING is a big deal to Sybil). Finally, I said something about the similarity of the hair. Sybil rolled her eyes. Then she said something about this being just like what happened before we were married. Yep, that's over 16 years ago.
The incident she is referring to is a meeting with an ex. It was not meant to be clandestine. Sybil and I were not that serious (I guess in my mind). It was in an extremely public place (we walked down a public street). For me the meeting was to try to get some closure (it's complicated). Anyway, that was event that was thrown into my face.
Now, I totally get her being unhappy with me ogling another woman. I understand her insecurity (well...kind of). It was stupid of me, but I admit it was an unconscious act. I don't get having something that happened a long time ago used to bash me over my head. Sigh. That's Sybil.
A reasonably attractive, young woman walked in with her boyfriend/significant other. What was noticeable was that her top was low cut with a "V". Apparently, as we talked my eyes followed her to her seat. Sybil noticed this and made a comment. Now, I do not remember thinking unclean thoughts. I did remember thinking that she was reasonably attractive, with a shorter, goofy looking guy, and her hair was similar in cut to the restaurant owner's wife.
When Sybil made her comment, I, jokingly, remarked, "Yeah, but I'll be going home with you." Well, Sybil did not find that funny. She asked what I was thinking as the woman moved towards her seat, because I couldn't complete a sentence. At that time, I could not remember. I still thought it was no big deal (forgetting that EVERYTHING is a big deal to Sybil). Finally, I said something about the similarity of the hair. Sybil rolled her eyes. Then she said something about this being just like what happened before we were married. Yep, that's over 16 years ago.
The incident she is referring to is a meeting with an ex. It was not meant to be clandestine. Sybil and I were not that serious (I guess in my mind). It was in an extremely public place (we walked down a public street). For me the meeting was to try to get some closure (it's complicated). Anyway, that was event that was thrown into my face.
Now, I totally get her being unhappy with me ogling another woman. I understand her insecurity (well...kind of). It was stupid of me, but I admit it was an unconscious act. I don't get having something that happened a long time ago used to bash me over my head. Sigh. That's Sybil.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Drama, Redux
*WARNING* Long, possibly disorganized post.
One of the things I have not posted about is my relationship with my church, specifically its pastor. I'll call him CH. CH has been the pastor of my church for over two years. As an United Methodist, we tend to change pastors regularly. We were fairly regular attendees for a number of years at this church. We may not have gone EVERY Sunday, but we attended more often than not. This all changed last late Fall/Winter. CH's son, who kind of drifted from one thing to another, joined the Marines and was shipping out one Sunday afternoon. On that particular Sunday, CH spent most of the worship service tearing up and talking about his son leaving. He called people up to the altar to offer up prayer for his son. It was rather creepy; I felt like I was at a funeral. Also, it was rather narcissistic; he took most of the service not talking about God or Christianity but talking about his son. It's not like the church hadn't already had an event for his son the day before. It turned me off from going to worship service.
About this time my work became exceedingly hectic with Sybil and me working long hours in my office. With our kids having many activities, hectic work, and the above story, Sunday service became less important. We, essentially, quit going to service and would rarely go to Sunday school. We went from being regular attendees to rare attendees. Apparently, CH noticed this. Instead of calling us and asking what was wrong as a good leader (aka. shepherd) should, he asked, "Is Aphron and Sybil doing ok?" Insuating that we were on the skids. This floated around and got back to the youth. We heard about it and had to have a frank conversation with our children (Son#1 is/was in youth). So instead of trying to bring back a lost sheep, our shephard busily engaged in rumor mongering. That killed our desire to go to church. Add Son#2's baseball schedule in late Winter through Spring/early Summer, we stopped attending altogether.
Now, Sybil has been the chair of Christian Education for over 6 years. She has worked with 3 program directors and 2 pastors. Due to scheduling, she missed one meeting (I went as her proxy) and wasn't going to church. When Son #2's baseball finally ended, the first thing she did was to call the program director (PD) and work on scheduling a meeting and an agenda. PD informed Sybil that the committee was being dissolved and folded into another committee due to lack of attendence. Sybil was quite surprised because this was the first she had heard of this. If she hadn't called PD, she still would not know. Needless to say, Sybil was very disturbed by this, so she scheduled a meeting with CH. Apparently, she was last to find out. That's a funny thing, when one is the chairperson.
Sybil and myself met with CH 4 days ago to try and clear up the situation. Sybil was confused as what her role would be in the church. I expressed that I thought PD could have done a better job of communicating with Sybil about something this important. No sooner had I said it than PD barged in, uninvited, to our meeting. She became quite defensive, started attacking Sybil, and basically making a nuisance of herself. The whole time CH engaged in "naval gazing". He never said a word. I asked PD to excuse herself, which she promptly ignored. It was only that PD felt that she had exhausted herself that made her leave. Stunned silence ensued. We asked CH about why the door wasn't closed to which he replied that it was "against the law." Sybil had scheduled the meeting after hours, so the sudden appearance of PD was a shock. I tried to keep the conversation going and focus on the lack of communication our church as a whole has. Sybil expressed that she was quite shocked at what PD had done. She felt attacked. No sooner had she said this, when PD, again, barged in and started her attack on Sybil. Again, CH studied his naval. This was too much.
We never resolved what we had come to do. We had the issues I laid out above to discuss, but we never made it to those topics because of PD's attitude. I told CH that PD's behaviour was rude and unprofessional. I told CH that he needs to talk to PD and reign her in. Since there was to a committee meeting in two days, I asked CH to schedule a meeting with Sybil, PD, and himself to iron this situation. He agreed.
The next day Sybil appeared at the appointed meeting time. Only CH was attendance. He told her that PD would not be coming due to that situation being between PD and Sybil. He, instead, focused on Sybil's lack attendance and asked her to resign from her chair. Sybil, naturally, was surprised (who ever heard of a volunteer being fired). She thought the meeting was about PD's behaviour. Again, Sybil was ambushed and attacked. After talking with CH for nearly 45 minutes, she decided it was futile to continue the conversation and excused herself.
I'll try to shorten this long, meandering post. Sybil did attend the Christian education meeting. It was a productive meeting. She and PD had words after the meeting. Several people, including CH, stood outside the room to eavesdrop. CH got a good look at his naval. Since no one can win an arguement with Sybil, PD admitted her behaviour was out of bounds. The next day Sybil decided this BS wasn't worth it and resigned her chair.
This is why people have a negative view towards church and church goers. Righteousness is a grand thing. It, apparently, has a switch to be turned on and off at will. We are still grappling with these events and trying to decide our next course of action. Sybil wants me to let it go. That is out of character for her. It did take a toll (she lost a lot of sleep). I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I must confront CH and demand his apology to Sybil and myself. If none is forthcoming, I feel that my next course of action is drafting a letter to the District Superintendent, the Bishop, and the Staff/Parish relations committee. Sybil is adamant that I should let it go. I am so pissed off at CH. To top it off, I have two children that need baptizing, but I refuse to let this ungodly person do the honors. Sybil wants us to withdraw from going to service and focus on Sunday School. Right now, all I can do is go to God in prayer and hope the answer is forthcoming.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Drama
Ah, the human condition. We seem to be hardwired to engage in drama. I'm truly amazed at what people get bent on the least of things.
Sybil's drama has been chronicled here. In fairness to her, our personal drama has decreased. I guess I finally caved in. The path of least resistance is to finally say, "Yup, you're right. I screwed up." All of the while thinking, "Of all of the things in my life to stress out about, we have to stress out about this." The other night, she managed to bring up stuff from when we were dating over 16 years ago to prove her point. By doing so, she made the discussion more about how much can she pummel Aphron over the head with past deeds and less about the issue at hand. I didn't even remember this deed, but she had. So, another strike against me.
Sadly, I'm beginning to think that Sybil is more the norm. I see drama everywhere. I read it on blogs, I see it at church, I see it in my office, etc. I used to take the misogynistic position that only women engage in drama. I've since learned that men do to...we call it sports (especially youth sports...especially youth baseball). I digress. The human condition is take situations that reveal a failing in someone and find ways to make sure they become personal.
Where does that lead us as a species? Not very good. Probably, the cold war was nothing but a bunch of people sitting around getting bent about some perceived slight. At the tender age of 40, I am just too naive. I really thought that life was stressful enough without having to go around and invent more stress.
On a personal note, Sybil and Daughter are out of town for a few days. That leaves me with the boys. I don't have to watch any Miley.
Aphron
Sybil's drama has been chronicled here. In fairness to her, our personal drama has decreased. I guess I finally caved in. The path of least resistance is to finally say, "Yup, you're right. I screwed up." All of the while thinking, "Of all of the things in my life to stress out about, we have to stress out about this." The other night, she managed to bring up stuff from when we were dating over 16 years ago to prove her point. By doing so, she made the discussion more about how much can she pummel Aphron over the head with past deeds and less about the issue at hand. I didn't even remember this deed, but she had. So, another strike against me.
Sadly, I'm beginning to think that Sybil is more the norm. I see drama everywhere. I read it on blogs, I see it at church, I see it in my office, etc. I used to take the misogynistic position that only women engage in drama. I've since learned that men do to...we call it sports (especially youth sports...especially youth baseball). I digress. The human condition is take situations that reveal a failing in someone and find ways to make sure they become personal.
Where does that lead us as a species? Not very good. Probably, the cold war was nothing but a bunch of people sitting around getting bent about some perceived slight. At the tender age of 40, I am just too naive. I really thought that life was stressful enough without having to go around and invent more stress.
On a personal note, Sybil and Daughter are out of town for a few days. That leaves me with the boys. I don't have to watch any Miley.
Aphron
Friday, June 05, 2009
That Crazy, Zany Sybil
Although my frequency of posting has gone down considerably, do not think for an instant there is less drama, gently reader. Oh no. Much of the reason for my dirth in posting has to do with being very busy (I run my own business, have 3 active kids, and, oh by the way, am married). I do want to post this, which happened about 2 days ago.
Sybil awoke and informed me that she was hurt and angry with me. Now, I had not even had time to do anything to her, since I was about to leave for the office, and she had just popped her eyes open. What, pray tell, was the matter? It seems that I was divorcing her for another woman. That was news to me. I have written here before about divorce and my feelings about it (I'm too lazy to link to it). Also, not only was I going to divorce Sybil, but also for my brother's wife's sister. It seems that Sybil has had a miniseries of dreams for the past few days in which I was leaving her and the family for a woman that met once several years ago at my brother's wedding.
I know dreams can be powerful things. However, I was not prepared for how much Sybil was bothered by this. There is no logical reason for this to occur, yet for the next 3 days she was throwing comments around about the "incident." Enough so that I was left with the feeling that she truly believed that her dreams were a harbinger of things to come.
I do wonder, if that goes to her insecurity? If Sybil is insecure, then why hasn't she modified her behavior towards me?
Sybil, is that you?
Sybil awoke and informed me that she was hurt and angry with me. Now, I had not even had time to do anything to her, since I was about to leave for the office, and she had just popped her eyes open. What, pray tell, was the matter? It seems that I was divorcing her for another woman. That was news to me. I have written here before about divorce and my feelings about it (I'm too lazy to link to it). Also, not only was I going to divorce Sybil, but also for my brother's wife's sister. It seems that Sybil has had a miniseries of dreams for the past few days in which I was leaving her and the family for a woman that met once several years ago at my brother's wedding.
I know dreams can be powerful things. However, I was not prepared for how much Sybil was bothered by this. There is no logical reason for this to occur, yet for the next 3 days she was throwing comments around about the "incident." Enough so that I was left with the feeling that she truly believed that her dreams were a harbinger of things to come.
I do wonder, if that goes to her insecurity? If Sybil is insecure, then why hasn't she modified her behavior towards me?
Sybil, is that you?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I'm Not Dead, Yet
I apologize for being a terrible host. I have two good excuses:
1. I haven't had the time.
2. I haven't had anything to say.
Blogging under those conditions means less of it. I will pass along a few items, though.
Sybil and I have broken through a lot of our issues. She still is way over the top in terms of anger. I have come to realize that is her way of dealing with a stressful situation. I am learning to try not to react in a similar fashion. That just leads to an escalation. We have become more patient with each other. I think she also realizes that her behavior is destructive. However, I doubt she would ever admit to that.
Like many people, I am apprehensive about the economy. My apprehension grows, when I hear the President and other politicos talk about matters that will directly effect my profession, and, therefore, my family's income.
So pretty mundane around here. That's the way I like it. I have had so much drama in my life, and I am enjoying not having any.
Cheers,
Aphron
1. I haven't had the time.
2. I haven't had anything to say.
Blogging under those conditions means less of it. I will pass along a few items, though.
Sybil and I have broken through a lot of our issues. She still is way over the top in terms of anger. I have come to realize that is her way of dealing with a stressful situation. I am learning to try not to react in a similar fashion. That just leads to an escalation. We have become more patient with each other. I think she also realizes that her behavior is destructive. However, I doubt she would ever admit to that.
Like many people, I am apprehensive about the economy. My apprehension grows, when I hear the President and other politicos talk about matters that will directly effect my profession, and, therefore, my family's income.
So pretty mundane around here. That's the way I like it. I have had so much drama in my life, and I am enjoying not having any.
Cheers,
Aphron
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thought I'd pass this along
My father is always forwarding stuff to me. That's the joys of retirement, I guess. I thought I'd post this in lieu of an actual, substantive post.
Enjoy,
Aphron
Enjoy,
Aphron
Monday, February 09, 2009
Wrapping It Up
After referencing the Apostle Paul in my last two posts, it is very important to see the role of sex in a marriage (I won't get into sex outside of marriage...I'm not trying to make a moral statement). Sex in the marriage is very important. Sex is part of the glue that holds the marriage together. Healthy sex is needed to keep out sexual temptation. One commenter spoke of Paul as being a misogynist. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is the line about wives submitting to their husbands. With the exception of that bit, I don't see Paul as a misogynist. Paul describes himself as asexual. He would rather no one got married but sees a need for marriage to keep people from falling into sexual temptation.
In today's world, we are not taught to share ourselves with others. Today's world is all about the individual. Yet, marriage is the ultimate team sport. If marriage means the complete bonding of two people, then it follows that means physically as well. The question of control should never come up. One person should not be able to hold all of the cards. This is not bonding; this is a dictatorship. When one spouse (I, generally, use women because that's my personal experience) withholds ANYTHING from the other, that is a means of trying to control. It could be money, sex, the TV. It does not matter.
Sadly, we humans are fallen creatures. None are perfect. Therefore, whatever we create falls short of perfection. This can be seen in marriage. In a perfect world, both spouses would be on the same page. However, that is rarely the case. That goes back not relinquishing individualism. Putting oneself in first place before the marriage is a recipe for disaster. In different areas of a marriage, one spouse gives authority to the other; while that spouse will have authority in other areas. Many times one is independent and the other is dependent.
In terms of sex, this leads to frustration and resentment. The spouse with looser boundaries will start having to change to mold to the spouse with rigid boundaries. Therefore, having control over one's body invariably means having control of one's spouse's body too. If both spouses are ok with this arrangement, then more power to them. It seems that is not really how things in the real world operate. The rigid spouse feels pressure to loosen boundaries. The more lax spouse feels confined. Both end up resenting the other for the pressures placed on them.
That is the problem. What's the solution? I do not know. In the end successful marriages are full of compromise. A marriage based on one spouse having all of the control usually fails. It believe that one should sacrifice for one's love. That comes in many different forms. Although I have been concentrating on sex, sacrifice can be other ways. One spouse may work harder, so the other can stay home with kids; one spouse may give way on certain TV programs because he/she knows their spouse enjoys that program; or one spouse may have to go on search and destroy missions to rid the house of spiders.
Sex is different because it involves physical intimacy. That is what makes it so beautiful. When one has sex, it is surrendering to another. That's why it is the glue to that holds together marriages. That's why it has room for so much anger and resentment. Withholding sex means that one has not totally surrendered the self to the other person. That is what makes it a sin to withhold sex. By withholding sex, that person elevates their needs over their spouse's. How can love coexist with selfishness?
Does that mean one has to be a doormat for the one they love? No. What it means is that sometimes it's ok to watch football (or Desperate Housewives). Sometimes it's ok to give that backrub, although one had a long day and is need of sleep. Sometimes it's ok to engage in oral sex. When we love another, we should strive to put that person's needs before our own. If love is reciprocated, then being a doormat never comes up.
Or...I could be living in a fantasy world.
In today's world, we are not taught to share ourselves with others. Today's world is all about the individual. Yet, marriage is the ultimate team sport. If marriage means the complete bonding of two people, then it follows that means physically as well. The question of control should never come up. One person should not be able to hold all of the cards. This is not bonding; this is a dictatorship. When one spouse (I, generally, use women because that's my personal experience) withholds ANYTHING from the other, that is a means of trying to control. It could be money, sex, the TV. It does not matter.
Sadly, we humans are fallen creatures. None are perfect. Therefore, whatever we create falls short of perfection. This can be seen in marriage. In a perfect world, both spouses would be on the same page. However, that is rarely the case. That goes back not relinquishing individualism. Putting oneself in first place before the marriage is a recipe for disaster. In different areas of a marriage, one spouse gives authority to the other; while that spouse will have authority in other areas. Many times one is independent and the other is dependent.
In terms of sex, this leads to frustration and resentment. The spouse with looser boundaries will start having to change to mold to the spouse with rigid boundaries. Therefore, having control over one's body invariably means having control of one's spouse's body too. If both spouses are ok with this arrangement, then more power to them. It seems that is not really how things in the real world operate. The rigid spouse feels pressure to loosen boundaries. The more lax spouse feels confined. Both end up resenting the other for the pressures placed on them.
That is the problem. What's the solution? I do not know. In the end successful marriages are full of compromise. A marriage based on one spouse having all of the control usually fails. It believe that one should sacrifice for one's love. That comes in many different forms. Although I have been concentrating on sex, sacrifice can be other ways. One spouse may work harder, so the other can stay home with kids; one spouse may give way on certain TV programs because he/she knows their spouse enjoys that program; or one spouse may have to go on search and destroy missions to rid the house of spiders.
Sex is different because it involves physical intimacy. That is what makes it so beautiful. When one has sex, it is surrendering to another. That's why it is the glue to that holds together marriages. That's why it has room for so much anger and resentment. Withholding sex means that one has not totally surrendered the self to the other person. That is what makes it a sin to withhold sex. By withholding sex, that person elevates their needs over their spouse's. How can love coexist with selfishness?
Does that mean one has to be a doormat for the one they love? No. What it means is that sometimes it's ok to watch football (or Desperate Housewives). Sometimes it's ok to give that backrub, although one had a long day and is need of sleep. Sometimes it's ok to engage in oral sex. When we love another, we should strive to put that person's needs before our own. If love is reciprocated, then being a doormat never comes up.
Or...I could be living in a fantasy world.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Continued
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)
When reading this passage, it seems that the Apostle Paul was talking about expectations for sex in marriage. Neither the husband nor the wife has complete control in their body. In today's world that flies in the face of what we are taught.
Since I am male, I will speak from a purely male perspective. Men are taught that the woman has final say in sex. If a woman is not up to it, does not want to do certain acts, or whatever, then the man has to respect her wishes. Before anyone goes onto a rant about rape and certain kinks, in other writings Paul instructs the husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church. I am not talking about that kind of stuff. I am talking about control. Who is in control? Does the man get a vote? How far can things be pushed?
In reading the letter from Paul, sex is confined to marriage only. Sex is a way of strengthening the bonds of marriage and way to keep sexual immorality from creeping into the marriage. Despite what some faiths or denominations teach, Paul says that sex is not just about procreation but about bonding through recreation. Sex is fun. What does that mean about someone that is a killjoy? The fun disappears. It becomes another chore, like taking out the garbage.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Not in the Mood
1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
That passage is the Apostle Paul telling the folks in Corinth that married couples should be getting it on. It even talks about the husband owning the wife's body, and the wife owning the husband's body. What does that mean? Is a wife supposed to submit control over to her husband? Husband to wife? Control still keeps cropping up. In today's post, boys and girls, I am setting that aside. You see, I am not in the mood.
I have chronicled Sybil's and my interactions fairly faithfully up until recently. I stopped, because I saw it as a form of complaining and inaction. Just because I have lessened my posting on Sybil does not mean things have really improved.
It seems that I am not in the mood...to have sex with my wife. At this moment in time, if I had choose between sex with Sybil and reading an interesting book, I'd choose the book. We have not had sex in over 2 weeks. Now, that may not be a long time for some, but that is a long time for us. The stress of marriage and the stress of work seemed to have sapped my desire away.
The decrease is almost scary. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be going through this. Maybe raw oysters are needed?
Developing...
That passage is the Apostle Paul telling the folks in Corinth that married couples should be getting it on. It even talks about the husband owning the wife's body, and the wife owning the husband's body. What does that mean? Is a wife supposed to submit control over to her husband? Husband to wife? Control still keeps cropping up. In today's post, boys and girls, I am setting that aside. You see, I am not in the mood.
I have chronicled Sybil's and my interactions fairly faithfully up until recently. I stopped, because I saw it as a form of complaining and inaction. Just because I have lessened my posting on Sybil does not mean things have really improved.
It seems that I am not in the mood...to have sex with my wife. At this moment in time, if I had choose between sex with Sybil and reading an interesting book, I'd choose the book. We have not had sex in over 2 weeks. Now, that may not be a long time for some, but that is a long time for us. The stress of marriage and the stress of work seemed to have sapped my desire away.
The decrease is almost scary. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be going through this. Maybe raw oysters are needed?
Developing...
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Control Continued...
I've just gotten around to trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. I just read Digger's latest post. He tends to be a very introspective person and is struggling to obtain more sex. He wrote:
I'll be posting on this thought soon. It is very enlightening and ties in with my last post.
Sexual leftovers is what every couple has when it comes to sex. Each person makes a list of what is too disgusting and perverted and then the other person makes their list and then you agree on the leftovers. That’s what you call compromise, right? But that leads to sexual boredom which leads to tension and eventual gridlock. At some point, the anxiety comes to a head and then has to be dealt with.
I'll be posting on this thought soon. It is very enlightening and ties in with my last post.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Control
How many of us yearn for control? How many need that illusion of being in control of one's life, or at least certain aspects?
Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.
The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.
I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.
Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.
This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.
One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.
Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.
Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.
The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.
I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.
Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.
This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.
One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.
Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Surviving
We survived Christmas. The kids didn't get a lot this year, but they already have everything. It was kind of low key. I hope all of you out in blog land had a good Christmas.
I'm still thinking about what direction this blog should go. I think the theme of me vs. Sybil is finished. Sybil and I still have our blow-ups. I guess every couple does. The drama is at a lower pitch, however.
I'm thinking about sex. I do not want to make this into a sex blog, but I do want to explore Sybil's and my differences. You, gentle reader, get to be bored with tears over the next few posts. I'm not sure where this will lead.
I'm still thinking about what direction this blog should go. I think the theme of me vs. Sybil is finished. Sybil and I still have our blow-ups. I guess every couple does. The drama is at a lower pitch, however.
I'm thinking about sex. I do not want to make this into a sex blog, but I do want to explore Sybil's and my differences. You, gentle reader, get to be bored with tears over the next few posts. I'm not sure where this will lead.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
New Directions
I've been remiss in posting these last few months. I'd like to say that the drama betwixt Sybil and myself has abated. I can say it. It wouldn't be true. But, I can say it. To our credit, it has decreased. The tone and vitriol has decrease, somewhat. That's not the reason for my absence. Nope. I'll give some lame excuses: kids keeping me too busy (very true 3 kids with all of the activities); work has snowballed (things have slowed down quite a bit as far as income, so I've got find new ways of generating income); etc.
All true. The real reason is that I'm needing to find a way to be more positive. I'm not this negative person that seems to come across in my writings. At least I don't think I am. All this blog seems to portray is my struggle with maintaining my marital bliss.
I doubt that I will totally stop posting about all of the drama. I mean everyone looks at a car wreck. I am going to try and post on more general topics and more philosophical topics regarding relationships. I'm not sure where that will take me. I will say that my thoughts and feelings on that subject have changed quite a bit over the years.
This blog has served its purpose of giving me an outlet to "vent my spleen." It is time to putting words into action.
I hope everyone has a truly Merry Christmas and a truly Happy New Year. I'm not sure, if I'll be able to post again until '09.
- Aphron
Monday, November 10, 2008
Since the Election is Over I Miss Those Polls...
There are times I don't feel like writing a post about something that has happened because it's already been written. In my last post, someone commented on my lack of taking control of the situation. For the next two weeks, I'll be running this poll to gauge my reader's opinions. So remember in the immortal words of ACORN: Vote early and vote often.
Monday, October 20, 2008
On That Road to Hell
Sybil and I had another major blow-up this weekend. We had little tiffs all last week, but Saturday's was a doozy.
We had gotten one of those Pitney-Bowes mailing machines. Since we do quite a bit of mailings, we thought we could give it a try. Sybil spent a good amount of time on Friday setting it up. She had to call the PB people. However, she managed to get the thing up and running.
On Saturday, I was at the office finishing up on some tasks. I looked at the back of the machine, noticed a USB cable had one end connected to the PB, but the other end was unconnected. I unrolled it and was going to connect it to a computer. It was too short, so I couldn't connect it.
As I'm driving home, I call Sybil and ask her if we need to buy a longer cable. She gets extremely agitated. Suddenly, we're on. We spend the rest of the day fighting. If I am understanding her correctly, my action reveals how thoughtless I am. I should have remembered that she said the machine was working, I should not have tampered with someone's "project," and obviously I do not really care about anything she says or does. I find myself feeling completely blindsided. All I can say is, "I was trying to help; I didn't mean any harm." Pretty pathetic, but it is the truth. As the argument continues, I explain that I am who I am. I am not sure that I am able to make the changes she wants. If she can't live with that, then maybe she should make a change. Sybil takes of her ring, threw in my direction, and storms out of the room.
That is how things went Saturday, and they were no better Sunday. Sybil still did not wear her ring. I tried to have her put it on. She refused. She said my last comment tells her how I really feel. If I did not really feel that way, then I would not have even thought it much less said it. I try to explain that it came out during the heat of the moment. Sybil would not even entertain that possibility.
Essentially, we are reliving the same old argument over and over. Sybil needs me to worry over the little things. She wants to me to stress out about every little detail and worry about how that impacts the other person. I explain to her that I am not sure that is even possible. I explain to her that living like that does not sound very enjoyable. Explaining to Sybil that I want us to enjoy each other's company and build a refuge from the world. She asks how can we do that, when I won't work at our marriage. She wants me to worry about our marriage. I get the work at our marriage thing. I do feel that I am trying to do that, apparently not enough for Sybil. I'm not so sure about the worry about our marriage. Living with worry, walking on eggshells, being on constant guard is not a life, in my opinion. When I express that to Sybil, she says she is not asking me to do that; she is asking me to think about how every single, little action has large repercussions. I guess there is a difference, but I'm not sure what it is.
That is where we are. Over 36 hours of fighting has not resolved the issues. Sybil still does not wearing her ring. To think that it all started with good intentions.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Same Stuff Different Day
Did anyone see this article awhile back? Does anyone do that? What happens when one partner is trying to add a "little spice," and the other is perfectly happy with status quo? I'd really like to know, who these people are. I'm not sure they really exist.
There was a time, when I tried to add a little zest in things. The great thing about beating one's head against a wall is that it feels good, when one stops. Things are so much easier now that I have had to mold my desires more in line with Sybil's. I figured that there are so many other things we stress out about that adding one more pressure point isn't healthy. I guess one could say I gave up.
Isn't that the point of a happy, healthy marriage? One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's. Some may call that compromise or selling out. I call it conflict resolution. I've resolved one area of conflict in Sybil's and my marriage. By doing so, we can move on to all the other petty fights we have. I am hoping to eventually remove any and all issues which may precipitate a fight. Since I have no control over Sybil and her reactions, this will prove to be very difficult.
One example is retirement. I long to retire. I don't mean to stop working but to stop HAVING to work. I want to investigate other avenues of wealth accumulation other than a typical IRA/mutual fund (I was wanting to do this before all of the current unpleasantness). My career is very stressful. Dealing with people and trying to meet their expectations is very difficult. On a day-to-day basis it becomes a drag. Well, Sybil said to me this weekend that she doesn't foresee me ever retiring and the thought of being in that position is not something she really thinks about. She loves to work. However, she likes to do things, but she does not like to make hard decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She may be working hard in our business, but she does not have to deal with people and their expectations, hire/fire, etc. She comes and goes on her schedule. I can see why she does not want to retire.
What's the answer? I don't have one. I just know that I try to keep plodding along. I keep reminding myself that in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter. We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.
There was a time, when I tried to add a little zest in things. The great thing about beating one's head against a wall is that it feels good, when one stops. Things are so much easier now that I have had to mold my desires more in line with Sybil's. I figured that there are so many other things we stress out about that adding one more pressure point isn't healthy. I guess one could say I gave up.
Isn't that the point of a happy, healthy marriage? One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's. Some may call that compromise or selling out. I call it conflict resolution. I've resolved one area of conflict in Sybil's and my marriage. By doing so, we can move on to all the other petty fights we have. I am hoping to eventually remove any and all issues which may precipitate a fight. Since I have no control over Sybil and her reactions, this will prove to be very difficult.
One example is retirement. I long to retire. I don't mean to stop working but to stop HAVING to work. I want to investigate other avenues of wealth accumulation other than a typical IRA/mutual fund (I was wanting to do this before all of the current unpleasantness). My career is very stressful. Dealing with people and trying to meet their expectations is very difficult. On a day-to-day basis it becomes a drag. Well, Sybil said to me this weekend that she doesn't foresee me ever retiring and the thought of being in that position is not something she really thinks about. She loves to work. However, she likes to do things, but she does not like to make hard decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She may be working hard in our business, but she does not have to deal with people and their expectations, hire/fire, etc. She comes and goes on her schedule. I can see why she does not want to retire.
What's the answer? I don't have one. I just know that I try to keep plodding along. I keep reminding myself that in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter. We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I'm a Jerk
Firstly, I apologize for my lack of posting. I've been extremely busy putting out fires at work. Also, Sybil and I have been too focused on work to really get into it. That ended last night.
I've written in these pages bemoaning the "vanilla" sex we have. I try to look on the positive side of things. At least I'm having sex. I've come to the realization that Sybil and I will never have the same proclivities, shall we say? Like everything else in her life, Sybil wants sex to be ordered, and she wants sex to be on her terms only. After fifteen years of marriage, I decided that certain things will always be off limits and to keep trying only adds to my and Sybil's frustration. I gave up on trying and made myself focus only enjoying what I was able to do in those narrow confines.
Before I get into the matter of last night, let me say that I am not asking for anything crazy. I'm only asking for certain things of an oral variety. Both giving and receiving. I'm only asking for her to have a more active role in things. Basically, our sex life goes like this: I make my move (either kissing or touching or both), she lies back in expectation, I take off her clothes, I take of my clothes, and then we go at it. This is how it goes 85% of the time. To "spice" things up, she may go to her fall back position, if I let it be known that's how I want it. Essentially, Sybil might be classified as a "sub." Ironically, she wants to be in complete control of the situation. The dichotomy is really confusing.
Anyway, last night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Sybil had her head on my stomach and was touching me while we watched TV. I was touching her too, but because of the angle she was a bit more intimate. I was really enjoying this. It is rare for her to do this. I was greedy for it. At one point she decided to become a bit more playful and tried to move her head to block my view of the TV. I playfully moved her head down. She jumped out of bed feigning indignation. After a minute or two, she got back in bed with her back to me. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I kind of became pissed off. When Sybil got back into bed, she had her foot on me. Apparently, this was my signal to begin. I should have known that she was only playing. During all of this, I knew Sybil wanted me to take over, yet why do I have to do all of the work all of the time? She started the session, but I have to finish it. I did not make move towards her. Since she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for, she became pissed off herself. A small argument ensued, and I am a jerk.
Now that I've had time to reflect on things, I see that I did probably act a little childishly. It would have been nice, if she would have just kissed me or whatever. I would have probably taken over from there. Her reaction of jumping out bed and acting like that put me off. When she did that, it killed the mood for me. I guess I had an idea of how things would go. When things didn't go that way, I got mad. Of course, I could say that about Sybil. She thought by acting "hard to get" I would become even more excited. In this case it backfired for her. I see that I may have acted selfishly, but Sybil does think she did anything wrong. This dichotomy is killing me. Either take control of the situation and do things the way one wants it done, or one should let the partner be control. Don't try to be a submissive control freak. It is kind of schizophrenic.
I've written in these pages bemoaning the "vanilla" sex we have. I try to look on the positive side of things. At least I'm having sex. I've come to the realization that Sybil and I will never have the same proclivities, shall we say? Like everything else in her life, Sybil wants sex to be ordered, and she wants sex to be on her terms only. After fifteen years of marriage, I decided that certain things will always be off limits and to keep trying only adds to my and Sybil's frustration. I gave up on trying and made myself focus only enjoying what I was able to do in those narrow confines.
Before I get into the matter of last night, let me say that I am not asking for anything crazy. I'm only asking for certain things of an oral variety. Both giving and receiving. I'm only asking for her to have a more active role in things. Basically, our sex life goes like this: I make my move (either kissing or touching or both), she lies back in expectation, I take off her clothes, I take of my clothes, and then we go at it. This is how it goes 85% of the time. To "spice" things up, she may go to her fall back position, if I let it be known that's how I want it. Essentially, Sybil might be classified as a "sub." Ironically, she wants to be in complete control of the situation. The dichotomy is really confusing.
Anyway, last night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Sybil had her head on my stomach and was touching me while we watched TV. I was touching her too, but because of the angle she was a bit more intimate. I was really enjoying this. It is rare for her to do this. I was greedy for it. At one point she decided to become a bit more playful and tried to move her head to block my view of the TV. I playfully moved her head down. She jumped out of bed feigning indignation. After a minute or two, she got back in bed with her back to me. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I kind of became pissed off. When Sybil got back into bed, she had her foot on me. Apparently, this was my signal to begin. I should have known that she was only playing. During all of this, I knew Sybil wanted me to take over, yet why do I have to do all of the work all of the time? She started the session, but I have to finish it. I did not make move towards her. Since she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for, she became pissed off herself. A small argument ensued, and I am a jerk.
Now that I've had time to reflect on things, I see that I did probably act a little childishly. It would have been nice, if she would have just kissed me or whatever. I would have probably taken over from there. Her reaction of jumping out bed and acting like that put me off. When she did that, it killed the mood for me. I guess I had an idea of how things would go. When things didn't go that way, I got mad. Of course, I could say that about Sybil. She thought by acting "hard to get" I would become even more excited. In this case it backfired for her. I see that I may have acted selfishly, but Sybil does think she did anything wrong. This dichotomy is killing me. Either take control of the situation and do things the way one wants it done, or one should let the partner be control. Don't try to be a submissive control freak. It is kind of schizophrenic.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Update
Things are actually going pretty good. Sybil and I have started a diet and lost some weight. We have really cut back on our carbs. Not only have we lost weight, but also our attitude towards each other has improved. I don't know if the food we were eating had anything to do with it, or we started feeling better. Either way, it's nice. Although sex is still rather vanilla, we're having more of it. I can't speak for Sybil, but I guess my outlook has improved. None of the dirty laundry has gone away. We never solved our issues, so I'm guessing it was all a state of mind. No big surprise.
We've been so busy with work. School has started for our kids and our kids' activities have increased. That leaves little time for things like blogging. Son #1 has started the high school. It seems weird that I have a child old enough to be in high school. Daughter started middle school. However, it's Son #2 that keeps us on the go. He has started playing in a local competitive soccer league. That will entail some slight travel. There goes our weekends.
With this (hopefully not temporary) change, it's made be believe things were in a vicious cycle. Sybil would resent me for stuff which caused her to treat me a certain way. In turn, I would resent Sybil for stuff which caused me to treat her a certain way.
That's about it for now. I don't have a lot of personal drama at the moment. That's a good thing. I've never understood those that go out searching for drama.
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