I'd thought I'd take a break from Sybil bashing for awhile. It seems to be getting old. Reading my posts makes me think it's same stuff different day. Since things are going pretty good with her right now, I thought I might bore you with why I blog. After over one hundred posts, it's about time, right?
All marriages have problems. I do believe that a marriage without conflict is in trouble. However, I hate conflict. I hate the emotions that run through me and the person talking to me. The feeling of letting my emotions get the better of me is a feeling of helplessness. Yet, an argument, no matter what size, is wrapped in emotion. This blog is a way for me to noodle out my emotional responses.
Some have wondered why I stay with Sybil. There are times I wonder the same thing (see the last post). Marriage, to me, is not disposable. For all of her faults, Sybil is committed to this marriage. There may be times that she will not show it. There may be times that she may seem to sabotage it. However, that is one thing we have in common is our commitment to this marriage.
Before I married Sybil, I had many friends that I hung out with. Since Sybil and I got married and then six months later we had a child (do the math), I have had little time to maintain the friendships I had nor to make new ones. With my work schedule and kids' schedules, making friends just takes too much energy. Posting about my frustrations is similar to talking with a best friend and venting. It is sad, in a way, that I have to rely on a nameless, faceless internet, but that is something. Where would I be without it? Alone? Cut off? Blogging maintains a connection. I am always amazed that anyone comments, and new people are always dropping by. Thank you, friends.
Reading some of my posts, one might get the idea that Sybil is some succubus from the ninth level of hell. Sometimes she is. However, she has many admirable traits. She is kind, empathetic, selfless (in some ways but maybe not as much as she believes), and loves helping people. This blog is a microcosm of who she is. I doubt anyone could remain married to a woman that I have painted her out to be. This blog is a means of grappling with the emotions of marital conflict.
Some have commented and questioned why I stay with Sybil. That is not an easy answer. First of all, what would I gain by leaving her? Independence? Doubtful. I still have to work. I would still have three kids to care for. Independence is an illusion. Happiness? Maybe. I've wondered about that, especially during one of our arguments. Would I be happier away from her? I'm not sure. Happiness is fleeting. I'm not sure the potential emotional damage to my children is worth my happiness. That's not something I'm willing to risk. Do I love her? In the end that is what it boils down to. I understand, a little, why someone stays with an abuser. Although I'm not saying Sybil is abusive, there are times I' ve wondered about it. Unfortunately, I cannot look at her without my breath catching in my throat. After 13 years, I still look upon her in amazement. That feeling is more than just simple lust. That feeling has more length and breadth than any stirring of the loins. That is the real reason. I think it would take something catastrophic (like her having an affair) to push me to leaving her.
Well, this post seems to be rambling. I'm still going to write about my frustrations and anger with Sybil. In the future, I want to try to focus on the positive aspects too.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Changes in Latitudes, No Changes in Attitudes
I apologize for my lack of posting. Sybil is working in my office, and it makes it hard to get privacy on a computer. Since I mainly blog about her, I don't think it wise for her to be around when doing it. When the kids get into school, that should ease up a bit. Unfortunately, we had to do it, because of staffing issues.
Survived the weekend. We drove to another time zone to see Lil' Bro get married, again. Since he left his wife last year, it has been a major bone of contention for Sybil. She has a poor view of him, since he not only left his wife but also risked screwing up their 3 year old in the process. As for me, I don't blame him. Although I would have rather they stayed married and try to work things out for the sake of their child, his Ex is a controlling shrew.
Anyway, for the whole weekend I got to hear Sybil's rant about how he'll screw up again. It's a little old. Naturally, we got into a major fight. I admit to starting it. We argued about stirring straws. Yep, STIRRING STRAWS. I said sticks; Sybil said straws. Since they were hollow, they were straws. I just couldn't help myself. Sybil makes the comment about wanting to go home. I apologize for being a jerk and starting an argument. I mean it was over a little thing. Right? Nope.
On the way to my parent's house after the wedding, I asked if she still wanted to go home. Sybil said, "I can't go home." That doesn't seem like an answer to me. My question could have been answered by a simple yes or no. Another fight ensued. Even bigger than the friggin' straws. After things calmed down, we talked a bit, and I thought the storm had passed.
The next morning I wake up. Sybil wakes up. I start goofing around, and she is distant with her back to me. Sensing that something is amiss, I ask her what is wrong. "Nothing," she says. I know it's B.S., but I ask again. Again, nothing. O.k. it's nothing. I go about my day getting ready to go.
On the way home, we're stuck in the car for nearly 7 hours. Together. Alone. By ourselves. This morning comes up. Sybil is still mad about me getting mad about her "I can't go home" statement. If really cared, I would have known what was wrong. I should have known what was wrong. In my defense, I explained that I asked what was wrong; she spooned me last night (she says to keep from falling off of the bed); and didn't act distant or anything at the end of the day. Not enough. Ugly words were thrown around. Since I had nothing else to say, Sybil indicated that maybe it was time to call the lawyers. I indicated that maybe she was right. Silence ensued. Golden silence. A weight was lifting off of my shoulders. Aww, sweet independence.
Then I pictured having to tell Daughter. I caved. There was no way I could bring myself to do it. I would rather go through Hell itself than disappoint Daughter. So for the next four hours we talked and talked. Things are back to normal, which is to say screwed up. Nothing was accomplished. I still love Sybil, damnit. Despite it all. It ain't easy to do, though.
Survived the weekend. We drove to another time zone to see Lil' Bro get married, again. Since he left his wife last year, it has been a major bone of contention for Sybil. She has a poor view of him, since he not only left his wife but also risked screwing up their 3 year old in the process. As for me, I don't blame him. Although I would have rather they stayed married and try to work things out for the sake of their child, his Ex is a controlling shrew.
Anyway, for the whole weekend I got to hear Sybil's rant about how he'll screw up again. It's a little old. Naturally, we got into a major fight. I admit to starting it. We argued about stirring straws. Yep, STIRRING STRAWS. I said sticks; Sybil said straws. Since they were hollow, they were straws. I just couldn't help myself. Sybil makes the comment about wanting to go home. I apologize for being a jerk and starting an argument. I mean it was over a little thing. Right? Nope.
On the way to my parent's house after the wedding, I asked if she still wanted to go home. Sybil said, "I can't go home." That doesn't seem like an answer to me. My question could have been answered by a simple yes or no. Another fight ensued. Even bigger than the friggin' straws. After things calmed down, we talked a bit, and I thought the storm had passed.
The next morning I wake up. Sybil wakes up. I start goofing around, and she is distant with her back to me. Sensing that something is amiss, I ask her what is wrong. "Nothing," she says. I know it's B.S., but I ask again. Again, nothing. O.k. it's nothing. I go about my day getting ready to go.
On the way home, we're stuck in the car for nearly 7 hours. Together. Alone. By ourselves. This morning comes up. Sybil is still mad about me getting mad about her "I can't go home" statement. If really cared, I would have known what was wrong. I should have known what was wrong. In my defense, I explained that I asked what was wrong; she spooned me last night (she says to keep from falling off of the bed); and didn't act distant or anything at the end of the day. Not enough. Ugly words were thrown around. Since I had nothing else to say, Sybil indicated that maybe it was time to call the lawyers. I indicated that maybe she was right. Silence ensued. Golden silence. A weight was lifting off of my shoulders. Aww, sweet independence.
Then I pictured having to tell Daughter. I caved. There was no way I could bring myself to do it. I would rather go through Hell itself than disappoint Daughter. So for the next four hours we talked and talked. Things are back to normal, which is to say screwed up. Nothing was accomplished. I still love Sybil, damnit. Despite it all. It ain't easy to do, though.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
In Summing Up...
Things are improving. Time heals all wounds, right? I heard this song this morning and I thought it was apropos.
RELIENT K LYRICS
"Mood Rings"
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible
"Mood Rings"
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Bruised
Well, it seems I was right to be worried. When we last left Aphron and Sybil, Sybil had just abruptly ended an arguement. Something totally out of character for her. For her arguements are similar to what occurred in Mogadishu with me being the Rangers trying to get out of it. Anyway, Sybil stopped wearing her ring immediately afterwards. Since we were painting Son#2's room, I thought she took it off as not to get paint on it. Wrong. She stopped wearing it because of me.
It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?
Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.
I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.
It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?
Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.
I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sybil, Is That You?...Redux
After the last post that went into the leftfield with questions about why I stay with Sybil, I had intended to write a nice post about Sybil. After glancing through my archives, it seems that I have painted a pretty negative picture of her. So, I wanted to give a more rounded description of Sybil. I hoped that my new readers (God bless 'em) would see that she has some wonderful qualities. I mean what kind of fool stays with a woman that is such a shrew? Me.
Screw it. I can't post anything positive about her right now. Not after yesterday's little spat, which I did not precipitate. We're laying in bed watching Wedding Crashers (campy yet stupid in a fun way). The TV turned itself off (on a timer). I, playfully, fumbled with the remote trying to turn it on. Until this moment Sybil and I were sharing a moment. That disappeared. She moved to the foot of the bed and stayed out of touch. Sensing a playful moment, I tried to stretch out my toes to touch, etc. One thing led to another, and I'm on her playfully nuzzling her ear. Sybil tells me to "get off of her." No smile or anything. Fine. I get off. A few moments later, Sybil says, "you're such a jerk." Ok, fine, whatever. I say some disposable comment. Something to the effect whatever your loss. She says something to the effect of "you don't even know what I'm talking about." I leave to make coffee. As I'm making the coffee, I'm replaying the conversation. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I'm getting abused. Now the question becomes, do I confront her or leave sleeping dogs lie? I confront. Long story short (too late) she blows me off. She even laughed at me at first. She said she was joking. I explained that I'm no longer irritated but I'm pissed off. No apology or anything.
This is the same woman that turned an innocent remark into an hour screaming match, yet I have NEVER called her any name except Sybil (really). I have never laughed at her when she approached me with hurt feelings, which happens quite a lot. I find this whole episode to be quite demeaning. Although I may have a hard time expressing my feelings, do not make it harder by belittling them. I can handle name calling in the heat of the moment. Although I do not remember calling her any derogatory names, being called "asshole" is meaningless to me. Yep, I can be one. However, this case goes beyond the pale.
I apologize fellow bloggers. I had really hoped to paint a more positive picture of Sybil. Right now I cannot. Why do I stay? That is a good question. Off of the top of my head these are the reasons:
**UPDATE** Sybil and I had a long conversation last night about what happened Sunday. Instead of apologizing for demeaning my feelings, she took the time to outline how much of a jerk I really am. Some of the stuff I've blogged about (what happened in Vegas was brought up, mainly). Other stuff I haven't. She had some points that were legitamite. The problem is she warmed up past arguements to defend her position that I'm a jerk. She asked me did I love her and if so what did I do to show it besides going to work everday? I listed: dealing with kids every morning so she could sleep in, not critizing her for her failure of housekeeping duties, helping her on her various projects at church (she has a whole committee, yet I get to help), etc. The fight ended abruptly with her apologizing for calling me a jerk (not for demeaning my feelings) and apologizing for starting the fight. This was totally out of character. Now I'm really worried.
Screw it. I can't post anything positive about her right now. Not after yesterday's little spat, which I did not precipitate. We're laying in bed watching Wedding Crashers (campy yet stupid in a fun way). The TV turned itself off (on a timer). I, playfully, fumbled with the remote trying to turn it on. Until this moment Sybil and I were sharing a moment. That disappeared. She moved to the foot of the bed and stayed out of touch. Sensing a playful moment, I tried to stretch out my toes to touch, etc. One thing led to another, and I'm on her playfully nuzzling her ear. Sybil tells me to "get off of her." No smile or anything. Fine. I get off. A few moments later, Sybil says, "you're such a jerk." Ok, fine, whatever. I say some disposable comment. Something to the effect whatever your loss. She says something to the effect of "you don't even know what I'm talking about." I leave to make coffee. As I'm making the coffee, I'm replaying the conversation. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I'm getting abused. Now the question becomes, do I confront her or leave sleeping dogs lie? I confront. Long story short (too late) she blows me off. She even laughed at me at first. She said she was joking. I explained that I'm no longer irritated but I'm pissed off. No apology or anything.
This is the same woman that turned an innocent remark into an hour screaming match, yet I have NEVER called her any name except Sybil (really). I have never laughed at her when she approached me with hurt feelings, which happens quite a lot. I find this whole episode to be quite demeaning. Although I may have a hard time expressing my feelings, do not make it harder by belittling them. I can handle name calling in the heat of the moment. Although I do not remember calling her any derogatory names, being called "asshole" is meaningless to me. Yep, I can be one. However, this case goes beyond the pale.
I apologize fellow bloggers. I had really hoped to paint a more positive picture of Sybil. Right now I cannot. Why do I stay? That is a good question. Off of the top of my head these are the reasons:
- The children. I have three of them. They mean everything to me. I would rather suffer than potentially lose them through divorce.
- Promises. I made a promise to Sybil, myself, and the state I live in to stay married. Since it was a civil ceremony, does that count as a promise to God? Probably. Doesn't matter. I try to do the honorable thing. Leaving a wife and children, to me, is dishonorable.
- Financial ruin. I am lucky enough to earn enough money to support us fairly comfortably. We want for little. In a divorce situation, that would change. Too many stories of men being financially ruined in a divorce scare the heeby-jeebies out of me.
- Fear of failure. I have a strong fear of failing. To me divorce would mean failing. The marriage would have failed.
- Deep down, deep, deep down I still love Sybil. I know that, for all of her flaws, she was given to me for a reason. Bad kharma, maybe? Anyway, she has made some positive changes in me not just bitterness.
**UPDATE** Sybil and I had a long conversation last night about what happened Sunday. Instead of apologizing for demeaning my feelings, she took the time to outline how much of a jerk I really am. Some of the stuff I've blogged about (what happened in Vegas was brought up, mainly). Other stuff I haven't. She had some points that were legitamite. The problem is she warmed up past arguements to defend her position that I'm a jerk. She asked me did I love her and if so what did I do to show it besides going to work everday? I listed: dealing with kids every morning so she could sleep in, not critizing her for her failure of housekeeping duties, helping her on her various projects at church (she has a whole committee, yet I get to help), etc. The fight ended abruptly with her apologizing for calling me a jerk (not for demeaning my feelings) and apologizing for starting the fight. This was totally out of character. Now I'm really worried.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Tagged...I think
A Passionate Man tagged me with 5 celebs I want to have sex with. I think. His post says "Apron." I don't see anybody else on his blog roll with a name close to it, except mine. So anyway...
This is actually a hard post. I have such a dim view of celebs. Number 1 used to Cameron Diaz until I read this piece. Man, am I that picky? If I were 18 again, I'd have no problem. At the ripe, old age of 37, I am more discerning. I've realized that at some point conversation will come up. The person's conversation could affect my mood, which could affect my libido. Damn.
Five celebs I want to have sex with (in no particular order):
I can't think of any. They aren't real people. They are imaginary. In high school I was in the drama department. They were weird, self-absorbed, melodramatic, bitches. And those were just the guys. I can only imagine what the women were like.
It's better to worship from afar.
This is actually a hard post. I have such a dim view of celebs. Number 1 used to Cameron Diaz until I read this piece. Man, am I that picky? If I were 18 again, I'd have no problem. At the ripe, old age of 37, I am more discerning. I've realized that at some point conversation will come up. The person's conversation could affect my mood, which could affect my libido. Damn.
Five celebs I want to have sex with (in no particular order):
I can't think of any. They aren't real people. They are imaginary. In high school I was in the drama department. They were weird, self-absorbed, melodramatic, bitches. And those were just the guys. I can only imagine what the women were like.
It's better to worship from afar.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
My First HNT!
Don't laugh. It took a lot of courage to share this candid moment with you, my readers. I hope you enjoy. Be gentle in the comments. To add to the surprise, you gotta scroll down to view it.
Well, what do you think? I think I captured my good side. With Sybil gone for a couple more days, I might play with that digital camera some more.
Well, what do you think? I think I captured my good side. With Sybil gone for a couple more days, I might play with that digital camera some more.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Bachin' It
Well, Sybil is at her parents' house for her annual visit. I haven't seen her since I got back from Vegas. Naturally, I have to talk to her several times a day. Still it has been pretty relaxing. Last night I enjoyed sitting outside, blogging wirelessly, drinking a beer and enjoying a good stogie. Life doesn't get any better. Sadly, I'm pretty boring after work. I'm usually too tired and want to go home and unwind. So if anyone wants to drop by Casa de Aphron, just let me know. I'll keep a light on for ya.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Viva Las Vegas
Well, Sybil and I survived the week together. From Friday to Wednesday was spent at her parent's house in Dallas, and Wednesday until today (Saturday) was spent in Las Vegas. It was a very interesting visit.
I learned a few things:
I learned a few things:
- When Sybil wants her flight itinerary changed, it nearly takes an act of Congress. If I don't do it to her specifications or in the fashion she would, then hell will break loose. Although I knew a flight she needed was available, I should check with her first to make sure it meets with her approval before changing anything. Of course, it would be easier if she handled it HER flight herself. That way it will be done as she wants it.
- When Sybil says her new shoes are comfortable, she is a liar. I knew they weren't. I asked several times. Each time I was met with her telling me how comfortable they are. Naturally, walking the strip in new, high heels makes for a short walk. I guess it's better to look good than be comfortable.
- The purpose of going to Las Vegas is to go shopping. Looking at the archetecture of the buildings and possibly gambling is a distant second. It's all about the stores.
- Getting a large room with a walk-in shower and a jacuzzi does not mean they are to be used as anything other that getting clean. I mean the shower didn't have a seat. The jacuzzi is there for looks.
- Nibbling on Sybil's neck after her shower but before I brush my teeth is a no-no. I will leave a residue that others can smell.
- Finally, Las Vegas is a city of vice. No two ways about it. A weak individual could get into a lot of trouble.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Gone Fishin'
Not really.
I'm going to be out of town all next week. Traveling with Sybil. I'm sure there won't be a dull moment. I may be able to bore you with details when I get back next weekend.
Also will be going to Las Vegas for a conference. That will be very interesting for this small town Southern Boy.
Have a Great Week!
Update
I'm sitting at the airport, drinking a cold Heine and watching Georgia tech try to mount a comeback against Clemson. The only down side is the $6.00 I paid to T-Mobile to connect to their Wi-Fi hotspot. But with an hour to kill and nothing to read, I'll manage...somehow.
I'm going to be out of town all next week. Traveling with Sybil. I'm sure there won't be a dull moment. I may be able to bore you with details when I get back next weekend.
Also will be going to Las Vegas for a conference. That will be very interesting for this small town Southern Boy.
Have a Great Week!
Update
I'm sitting at the airport, drinking a cold Heine and watching Georgia tech try to mount a comeback against Clemson. The only down side is the $6.00 I paid to T-Mobile to connect to their Wi-Fi hotspot. But with an hour to kill and nothing to read, I'll manage...somehow.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Random Mutterings
Well, Sybil and I survived this weekend without killing each other. Our anniversary was Saturday. Thirteen years of marital...er...excitement. We spent the majority of it apart. Son#1 had a baseball tournament while daughter and son#2 has a swim meet. The meet was in another city an hour and a half away. I was chosen to go to the swim meet. Although I made it clear that I would rather go to the baseball tournament, Sybil made it clear I was going to the meet. Since I have a much better sense of direction and don't mind driving, it made logical choice. Naturally, Sybil made the mistake of asking which I would rather do. I made the mistake of answering truthfully. Fireworks ensued, and I went to the meet. I rather enjoyed myself. Driving by myself (the two kids had gone ahead with a friend since I had to work) was cathartic. I got to listen to my music and generally enjoyed myself. The kids came in third in their age group, so it worked out well. Sadly, I missed Son#1's game. Apparently, he played very well. C'est la vie. Saturday ended on a high note with a visit to our best friend's house. They live about an hour away, so by the time we came home Saturday night I was exhausted.
This morning was interesting. Sybil awoke mad at me for dreaming that I had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend. I haven't spoken with this person in thirteen years. The last time I spoke with her was when she called me out of the blue. I had just gotten married and Son #1 had just been born. Due to the circumstances of us getting married (shotgun wedding, so to speak), I did not want to speak to the woman. I, basically, just had a monosyllable conversation. Unfortunately, I did not tell her that I was married and had a kid. That has come back to bite me on more than one occasion. Sybil's already deep seeded insecurity has solidified.
We all have insecurities. It is how we deal with our insecurity that tells the story. When insecurities raise their ugly specter, the aftermath is difficult to deal with. In Sybil's case the episode happened over a decade ago, yet she is still grappling with it. Do I do things to instill that insecurity? I guess so. I'm not sure what it would be. Maybe she is an insecure person. No matter what I do, she will remain so. Despite my best efforts of reassurance, she remains to this day convinced that I would run off with said girlfriend, if given a chance. Nope. Could it be that deep down inside she understands that she does things to make me unhappy? Instead of dealing with that, it is easier to lash out. I don't have the answers just mutterings.
This morning was interesting. Sybil awoke mad at me for dreaming that I had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend. I haven't spoken with this person in thirteen years. The last time I spoke with her was when she called me out of the blue. I had just gotten married and Son #1 had just been born. Due to the circumstances of us getting married (shotgun wedding, so to speak), I did not want to speak to the woman. I, basically, just had a monosyllable conversation. Unfortunately, I did not tell her that I was married and had a kid. That has come back to bite me on more than one occasion. Sybil's already deep seeded insecurity has solidified.
We all have insecurities. It is how we deal with our insecurity that tells the story. When insecurities raise their ugly specter, the aftermath is difficult to deal with. In Sybil's case the episode happened over a decade ago, yet she is still grappling with it. Do I do things to instill that insecurity? I guess so. I'm not sure what it would be. Maybe she is an insecure person. No matter what I do, she will remain so. Despite my best efforts of reassurance, she remains to this day convinced that I would run off with said girlfriend, if given a chance. Nope. Could it be that deep down inside she understands that she does things to make me unhappy? Instead of dealing with that, it is easier to lash out. I don't have the answers just mutterings.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore
I was going to write about Digger's article on outward appearances. I even started a post but deleted it. We all have pain from somewhere in our lives. We may not blog about it, but it is there. Life can be painful, sometimes.
Nope. I'm going write about how angry I am at myself. I have somehow allowed Sybil to run nearly all aspects of my life. Where do I draw the line? This realization had been forming for quite sometime but became crystallized during lunch. Sybil, the SAHM that doesn't, was working at church getting ready for vacation bible school. I got out of the office late, so my lunch time was shortened. I call her to see what's the deal with lunch (we eat together nearly everyday). She asks me to bring her something, and, oh by the way, bring something for a friend. My irritation kicked in and was followed by anger. I begged off saying I don't have time. I'll go home for lunch. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I relented. Naturally, she had no clue what she wanted. Anger building.
Finally, I bring food to her at the church. I arrive unable to find her. I call her cellphone. No answer. I see her stuff lying there, so I know she is there. By this time I had about 15 minutes to eat. Now the dilemma: should I waste more time looking for her or should I just say screw it and eat? I said screw it and ate. Just as I'm finishing, she appears all smiling and happy.
Do I have an anger management problem, or do I have a spouse that doesn't give a _ _ _ _ about anything except how to escape from her dull existence at home? My schedule is not my own. I do not get to choose to help out at church, cook lunch, go grocery shopping, clean the house, go to the spa, or any of that. I get to go work and be a drone. I really don't mind her helping at church. Really, I don't. What I care about is her lack of sensitivity that I have an allotted amount of time. If she really wants to eat lunch with me, it is much easier to bend her schedule around mine.
If I choose to go home (I have done so in the past), I can choose from the yummy and delectable choices of peanut butter and cracker (no bread), Ramen noodles (I ate that in college. I did not work this hard to go back to Ramen), popcorn, or just drink a lot of water. As you can see, I get to waste a quarter of my lunch hour getting food to eat.
I understand being a SAHM can be drudgery but so is going to work. I'm not trying to keep her in the kitchen. All I'm asking is for the house stuff to be done first and concentrate on outside stuff next. Sadly, it's times like these that makes me wonder what is going to happen to us when the kids leave home.
Nope. I'm going write about how angry I am at myself. I have somehow allowed Sybil to run nearly all aspects of my life. Where do I draw the line? This realization had been forming for quite sometime but became crystallized during lunch. Sybil, the SAHM that doesn't, was working at church getting ready for vacation bible school. I got out of the office late, so my lunch time was shortened. I call her to see what's the deal with lunch (we eat together nearly everyday). She asks me to bring her something, and, oh by the way, bring something for a friend. My irritation kicked in and was followed by anger. I begged off saying I don't have time. I'll go home for lunch. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I relented. Naturally, she had no clue what she wanted. Anger building.
Finally, I bring food to her at the church. I arrive unable to find her. I call her cellphone. No answer. I see her stuff lying there, so I know she is there. By this time I had about 15 minutes to eat. Now the dilemma: should I waste more time looking for her or should I just say screw it and eat? I said screw it and ate. Just as I'm finishing, she appears all smiling and happy.
Do I have an anger management problem, or do I have a spouse that doesn't give a _ _ _ _ about anything except how to escape from her dull existence at home? My schedule is not my own. I do not get to choose to help out at church, cook lunch, go grocery shopping, clean the house, go to the spa, or any of that. I get to go work and be a drone. I really don't mind her helping at church. Really, I don't. What I care about is her lack of sensitivity that I have an allotted amount of time. If she really wants to eat lunch with me, it is much easier to bend her schedule around mine.
If I choose to go home (I have done so in the past), I can choose from the yummy and delectable choices of peanut butter and cracker (no bread), Ramen noodles (I ate that in college. I did not work this hard to go back to Ramen), popcorn, or just drink a lot of water. As you can see, I get to waste a quarter of my lunch hour getting food to eat.
I understand being a SAHM can be drudgery but so is going to work. I'm not trying to keep her in the kitchen. All I'm asking is for the house stuff to be done first and concentrate on outside stuff next. Sadly, it's times like these that makes me wonder what is going to happen to us when the kids leave home.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Youth Sports
Taking a break from "Sybil bashing" for now. I'm posting about youth sports. As you know I have 3 kids. I am in constant awe of them and their abilities. Although I don't write much about them,since this blog was intended to explore the dynamic between Sybil and me. Anyway, my two boys play various sports. My daughter plays a couple too, which is a surprise because she was very much a "girlie-girl" when she was small.
Son #1's Little League baseball team has had a terrible season. Currently, they are 3 and 12. Pretty dismal. He hasn't played much this whole season. It is very disheartening to be one of the oldest on the team, yet play the nearly the least. The previous year, on a different team, he played the whole game, could be counted on to get on base, and improved his fielding. Fast forward to this year, the decreased playing time told him that he wasn't good enough, so in a game he tried harder and put more stress on himself. The result was striking out at the one time at bat and playing 3 or less innings (usually less). Son#1's self-confidence was shot. As the season progressed, it became painfully obvious that he was outside looking in of a clique. The coach and about six of the players knew each other previously. Despite mounting errors and bad plays, he kept them in their positions throughout the season.
Then last week it happened. Son#1's team lost by the "mercy rule." For those that don't know, it says that a ten run difference ends the game. His team got beat 13 to 3. Embarrassing. Who made the most errors? The coach's son at first base. Usually a first baseman can catch. Not on this team. He missed a toss from three feet. After the game, Son#1 walked up to the coach and asked for more playing time. Coach said that he told everyone at the beginning of the season that some wouldn't play as much as others. The ones he thought could do the job would play the most. Sybil and he started to argue. She brought up the valid point that, if you're losing nearly all of your games, why not try players in different positions? Coach said that he wouldn't change anything. Sybil yelled for me saying that Coach said that Son#1 wouldn't get anymore playing time and that he wasn't "good enough." Coach said she was putting words in his mouth. I, in the nicest way possible, said,"Coach, in the first scrimmage he played flawlessly, but in the games Son#1 was passed over." Coach said he was done and stomped off.
Flash forward to Thursday night. Although we won by forfeit because the other team had too few players, we won on the scoreboard too. Son#1 started and stayed at third base. He was on fire. He went 2 for 2 with a bunt (It was a thing of beauty. The ball stopped right in front of home plate, beat the throw and made it to first) and a triple. His defense was good too. For a kid that wasn't "good enough" Son#1 had a stellar night. Coach gave him the game ball.
Afterwards, I talked to Coach. I thanked him for giving Son#1 a second chance. He stated that is wasn't because of the conversation we had, but Son#1 had worked hard in the last practice. Whatever. The season is shot because of the Coach's desire to play certain kids. The parents outside of the clique are fed up. At least the season will end on a high note.
Before I had kids, I told myself I wouldn't get worked up about the sports my children play. I would not be that guy yelling at his kids to do better. Although I am not belligerent, I have a lot of excitement watching my kids play sports. They are far better athletes than I was. Son#1 can actually hit a baseball, Daughter can swim 100 yard freestyle and gets faster towards the end, and Son#2 is like a Hoover vacuum cleaner on the baseball field. Before my sons played baseball, I was pretty ambivalent towards it. Daughter played one year of softball and was decent. I wish she would've stuck with it. It has been a tremendous amount of fun, excitement, and even pride to watch my children play ball. I hope all parents get that opportunity.
Son #1's Little League baseball team has had a terrible season. Currently, they are 3 and 12. Pretty dismal. He hasn't played much this whole season. It is very disheartening to be one of the oldest on the team, yet play the nearly the least. The previous year, on a different team, he played the whole game, could be counted on to get on base, and improved his fielding. Fast forward to this year, the decreased playing time told him that he wasn't good enough, so in a game he tried harder and put more stress on himself. The result was striking out at the one time at bat and playing 3 or less innings (usually less). Son#1's self-confidence was shot. As the season progressed, it became painfully obvious that he was outside looking in of a clique. The coach and about six of the players knew each other previously. Despite mounting errors and bad plays, he kept them in their positions throughout the season.
Then last week it happened. Son#1's team lost by the "mercy rule." For those that don't know, it says that a ten run difference ends the game. His team got beat 13 to 3. Embarrassing. Who made the most errors? The coach's son at first base. Usually a first baseman can catch. Not on this team. He missed a toss from three feet. After the game, Son#1 walked up to the coach and asked for more playing time. Coach said that he told everyone at the beginning of the season that some wouldn't play as much as others. The ones he thought could do the job would play the most. Sybil and he started to argue. She brought up the valid point that, if you're losing nearly all of your games, why not try players in different positions? Coach said that he wouldn't change anything. Sybil yelled for me saying that Coach said that Son#1 wouldn't get anymore playing time and that he wasn't "good enough." Coach said she was putting words in his mouth. I, in the nicest way possible, said,"Coach, in the first scrimmage he played flawlessly, but in the games Son#1 was passed over." Coach said he was done and stomped off.
Flash forward to Thursday night. Although we won by forfeit because the other team had too few players, we won on the scoreboard too. Son#1 started and stayed at third base. He was on fire. He went 2 for 2 with a bunt (It was a thing of beauty. The ball stopped right in front of home plate, beat the throw and made it to first) and a triple. His defense was good too. For a kid that wasn't "good enough" Son#1 had a stellar night. Coach gave him the game ball.
Afterwards, I talked to Coach. I thanked him for giving Son#1 a second chance. He stated that is wasn't because of the conversation we had, but Son#1 had worked hard in the last practice. Whatever. The season is shot because of the Coach's desire to play certain kids. The parents outside of the clique are fed up. At least the season will end on a high note.
Before I had kids, I told myself I wouldn't get worked up about the sports my children play. I would not be that guy yelling at his kids to do better. Although I am not belligerent, I have a lot of excitement watching my kids play sports. They are far better athletes than I was. Son#1 can actually hit a baseball, Daughter can swim 100 yard freestyle and gets faster towards the end, and Son#2 is like a Hoover vacuum cleaner on the baseball field. Before my sons played baseball, I was pretty ambivalent towards it. Daughter played one year of softball and was decent. I wish she would've stuck with it. It has been a tremendous amount of fun, excitement, and even pride to watch my children play ball. I hope all parents get that opportunity.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Happy 100th Post!
100 posts! Ya'll like the look? It seems a little happier, brighter. Definitely easier to read. Wow, 100 posts about the ups and downs of my marriage. I even have people that read about it. That is truly amazing.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Survived the weekend with Sybil. We went camping in Big South Fork. I love going there. Even during a busy Memorial day weekend.
First the good stuff. I bought a cast iron skillet and a cast iron dutch oven just for this trip. Cooking bacon, sausage and eggs on the skillet was easy. I didn't have to worry about tearing up the surface. For the first time I was able to make biscuits for breakfast thanks to the dutch oven. Had a lot of fun trail bike riding to some gorgeous overlooks. Made peach cobbler for desert Sunday night (in the dutch oven, of course) and the kids made S'mores. Although it was hot, we had a great time.
Now the bad stuff (some of which is embarrassing). Friday I took the afternoon off, since the kids were out that afternoon from school. I came home, and Sybil was all over me, physically. She was "ready to go." I'm thinking, "All right!" We move to the bedroom and do our thing. It involved oral (giving and receiving, which I love to give and receive) and was truly mind blowing. Later that day I let slip that I had gone to the bathroom several hours before our activities. Number 2. Now, I try to be as hygienic as anyone else. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to tell Sybil. Anyway, she is pissed that I let her do that knowing what I had done earlier. I apologized profusely and explained that I was too consumed to remember. Not good enough. Apparently I'm not only selfish but my parents weren't married. Fast forward to yesterday. This cast a pall over the whole weekend. Everything that happened was colored by it. We had a blow-up while trying to pack up and motivate our kids to help. Everything goes back to Friday afternoon. So I'm now back in the wilderness.
Sybil uses all of this bring up an interesting point that I try to push her away. Maybe. More on that as I grapple with that. She may have a point there. I do tend to be guarded. I am not one to let anyone come too close.
Anyway, that's it. I hope ya'll had a great weekend.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Survived the weekend with Sybil. We went camping in Big South Fork. I love going there. Even during a busy Memorial day weekend.
First the good stuff. I bought a cast iron skillet and a cast iron dutch oven just for this trip. Cooking bacon, sausage and eggs on the skillet was easy. I didn't have to worry about tearing up the surface. For the first time I was able to make biscuits for breakfast thanks to the dutch oven. Had a lot of fun trail bike riding to some gorgeous overlooks. Made peach cobbler for desert Sunday night (in the dutch oven, of course) and the kids made S'mores. Although it was hot, we had a great time.
Now the bad stuff (some of which is embarrassing). Friday I took the afternoon off, since the kids were out that afternoon from school. I came home, and Sybil was all over me, physically. She was "ready to go." I'm thinking, "All right!" We move to the bedroom and do our thing. It involved oral (giving and receiving, which I love to give and receive) and was truly mind blowing. Later that day I let slip that I had gone to the bathroom several hours before our activities. Number 2. Now, I try to be as hygienic as anyone else. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to tell Sybil. Anyway, she is pissed that I let her do that knowing what I had done earlier. I apologized profusely and explained that I was too consumed to remember. Not good enough. Apparently I'm not only selfish but my parents weren't married. Fast forward to yesterday. This cast a pall over the whole weekend. Everything that happened was colored by it. We had a blow-up while trying to pack up and motivate our kids to help. Everything goes back to Friday afternoon. So I'm now back in the wilderness.
Sybil uses all of this bring up an interesting point that I try to push her away. Maybe. More on that as I grapple with that. She may have a point there. I do tend to be guarded. I am not one to let anyone come too close.
Anyway, that's it. I hope ya'll had a great weekend.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Don't Try to Adjust Your Set. We Control the Horizontal and the Vertial.
Ahhh, Saturday morning. At work. Missing Son#2's baseball game. This sucks. At least the sun is out and drying off the world from the interesting thunderstorms we had.
Things are looking up for Sybil and me. This whole month we haven't had any major arguements. Her period started yesterday, yet she has not lived up to her name. Oh sure, we had some minor things, but none like we've had in the past. Overall, this has been a decent month.
So now I'm living in fear. When is that shoe gonna drop? When will Sybil's face peal back and reveal the monster lurking under the surface? Is this what happens to people in abusive relationships? I would not have thought of myself to be in that class, but these thoughts have been in the back of my mind. I find myself sitting here wondering WTF?
What is going on? She hasn't changed her BCPs. I think it might have to do with the fact that we haven't seen much of each other this month. Too busy. My little, cute (to me) mannerisms that irritate the crap out of her...aren't. What's the deal? We've even been having fairly regular, decent sex. Is this the invasion of the pod people? Who took my wife? What's that up ahead? A sign post.
I should just enjoy the ride. Like everything else in life, it won't last.
Things are looking up for Sybil and me. This whole month we haven't had any major arguements. Her period started yesterday, yet she has not lived up to her name. Oh sure, we had some minor things, but none like we've had in the past. Overall, this has been a decent month.
So now I'm living in fear. When is that shoe gonna drop? When will Sybil's face peal back and reveal the monster lurking under the surface? Is this what happens to people in abusive relationships? I would not have thought of myself to be in that class, but these thoughts have been in the back of my mind. I find myself sitting here wondering WTF?
What is going on? She hasn't changed her BCPs. I think it might have to do with the fact that we haven't seen much of each other this month. Too busy. My little, cute (to me) mannerisms that irritate the crap out of her...aren't. What's the deal? We've even been having fairly regular, decent sex. Is this the invasion of the pod people? Who took my wife? What's that up ahead? A sign post.
I should just enjoy the ride. Like everything else in life, it won't last.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Nothing much to say
I actually have time to blog but have little to say.
I haven't seen much of Sybil today. She made this Thursday her spa day, since I now work every 2nd and fourth Thursday. She doesn't want me to ruin it because of what happened last time. That was six weeks ago. That's Sybil: memory like an elephant.
It's just as well. She would probably figure out a way to keep me from going home. Since Sunday, I've been home before 9:00pm once. Sybil has managed to schedule enough stuff to keep us on the go. This way she has an excuse to have no food, the house to be trashed, and not have to cook. What were we doing? Mainly she (that means we) was preparing for a church program. Now, I try to lead a Christian life. I do come up short in many aspects (usually temptations of the flesh but that's a post of a different day). Being at work all day and then helping setup for a program until late is tiring. Yeah, I'm a little snarky. It's like "let's see how much stuff we can cram into a day." Even the kids are worn out. Sybil must understand that it will get done.
That's life with a perfectionist. Sybil believes that whoever does it will not do a good enough job. A perfectionist is an unhappy person becuase they aren't good enough. They will put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves. In doing so, they will put a tremendous amount of pressure upon those closest to them. A perfectionist never realizes in the end, that we are all "shadows and dust." Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but what is more important? How well a crab costume looks or spending quiet, quality time with the family?
Anyway, that's all I had to say. More than I expected.
I haven't seen much of Sybil today. She made this Thursday her spa day, since I now work every 2nd and fourth Thursday. She doesn't want me to ruin it because of what happened last time. That was six weeks ago. That's Sybil: memory like an elephant.
It's just as well. She would probably figure out a way to keep me from going home. Since Sunday, I've been home before 9:00pm once. Sybil has managed to schedule enough stuff to keep us on the go. This way she has an excuse to have no food, the house to be trashed, and not have to cook. What were we doing? Mainly she (that means we) was preparing for a church program. Now, I try to lead a Christian life. I do come up short in many aspects (usually temptations of the flesh but that's a post of a different day). Being at work all day and then helping setup for a program until late is tiring. Yeah, I'm a little snarky. It's like "let's see how much stuff we can cram into a day." Even the kids are worn out. Sybil must understand that it will get done.
That's life with a perfectionist. Sybil believes that whoever does it will not do a good enough job. A perfectionist is an unhappy person becuase they aren't good enough. They will put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves. In doing so, they will put a tremendous amount of pressure upon those closest to them. A perfectionist never realizes in the end, that we are all "shadows and dust." Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but what is more important? How well a crab costume looks or spending quiet, quality time with the family?
Anyway, that's all I had to say. More than I expected.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Tagged
Daddy's Lil Girl tagged me to list some weird/noteworthy things about myself. This is hard because I'm pretty boring. I know, I know with all of the drama in my life, one might think I'm more exciting. Truth be told I'm not. Anyway, without further ado here it goes:
Let's do noteworthy first.
Let's do noteworthy first.
- I have a doctorate.
- I own my own business.
- Some might call me financially successful.
- I'm blessed with the ability to talk to anyone about anything.
- Everybody likes me, especially upon first impression.
- I have a hard time making and keeping friends.
- The one area I am anal is my clothes. I refuse to wear even slightly wrinkled or clothes with a small spot to my office.
- I have lived my whole life in the South (rural at that), yet somehow I have lost my accent.
- I'm never, ever cold.
- I have a hard time maintaining mental focus during conversations.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Counting the Cost
Well friends and neighbors, Sybil and I seem to be going downhill fast. Thursday saw another fight. It seemed to be building from the previous ones this week. The same stuff rehashed. A new twist was introduced: I am not engaged in our conversations. Funny thing though, I was able to recount three times as many conversation subjects that took place the night before than Sybil. Who's engaged? I believe it has come down to her finding things to fight about. Minor irritations that occur when two people live together take on a larger than life roll.
These mole-hill sized mountains are nothing new. We have been dealing with this throughout our marriage. However, I am so tired of fending off this person, who is my wife. Broaching the subject with Sybil does little good. Being the Type A person she is, Sybil feels that confronting all of the little things that happen will mean the big things are taken care of. Being the Type B person that I am, I say that leaves everyone raw and too emotionally spent to care about them.
This Thursday may have been a turning point for me. I quite nearly walked. After spending all morning trying to show love and appreciation to her, Sybil decides to criticize everything from my driving to how I carry on my conversations. If I have less to say than she expects, I don't care about her. I am so tired of being the villain. My self-esteem has started to be affected.
In an earlier post I mentioned that Sybil has a "slash and burn style" of arguing. I do not. I want to come to a consensus. She wants only to pummel me into the ground and win at any cost. If things progress, Sybil may win the battles but lose the war, ultimately.
Why didn't I leave? The cost, right now, is too great. The potential damage done to my kids, financial ruin, etc. is too much to bear. For now. As things continue, that might change. I want to love Sybil. How can I? How can I love someone who is critical of everything I say and do?
These mole-hill sized mountains are nothing new. We have been dealing with this throughout our marriage. However, I am so tired of fending off this person, who is my wife. Broaching the subject with Sybil does little good. Being the Type A person she is, Sybil feels that confronting all of the little things that happen will mean the big things are taken care of. Being the Type B person that I am, I say that leaves everyone raw and too emotionally spent to care about them.
This Thursday may have been a turning point for me. I quite nearly walked. After spending all morning trying to show love and appreciation to her, Sybil decides to criticize everything from my driving to how I carry on my conversations. If I have less to say than she expects, I don't care about her. I am so tired of being the villain. My self-esteem has started to be affected.
In an earlier post I mentioned that Sybil has a "slash and burn style" of arguing. I do not. I want to come to a consensus. She wants only to pummel me into the ground and win at any cost. If things progress, Sybil may win the battles but lose the war, ultimately.
Why didn't I leave? The cost, right now, is too great. The potential damage done to my kids, financial ruin, etc. is too much to bear. For now. As things continue, that might change. I want to love Sybil. How can I? How can I love someone who is critical of everything I say and do?
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
We're on the Road to Nowhere
Another "discussion" lasting into the wee hours of the morning. What the hell? Sybil doesn't have to get up and do anything before noon. Basically, the same argument warmed up and served on a platter of resentment.
I won't go the gory details. Except to say that Sybil and I didn't start our "conversation" until about 11:30pm. She had just gotten home from bonko. We were talking about Son#1's baseball game (which she missed). During the course of my conversation, I was realizing the need to teach Son#1 some things about baseball, since his coaches, apparently, weren't. Sybil start with statements like "you should have been doing that all along," and "you should have not relied on the coaches to teach him," and my favorite: "you know that just because he goes to school doesn't mean that you don't need to teach him anything." Sensing another lecture coming on and knowing the time of the night and the fact I have to get up early, I said "yeah, yeah, yeah." Sybil becomes pissed. My rudeness in cutting her off in mid-point sends her over the edge. My rudeness in assuming that she is lecturing me, when she is really just enforcing my points. My rudeness in not listening to her.
I admit it. I was rude. I was tired, and I didn't want to hear it. I cut her off. I apologized for cutting her off. I explained that I was sensing another lecture on my failings. I told her that I was tired and under normal circumstances I would not have made that comment and would have been more patient. Excuses, excuses. Sybil believes my fatigue is just another excuse to absolve me of any responsibility. No. Not true. Like anyone averaging less than six hours of sleep a night, I am a little less patient. Excuses, excuses.
Naturally, the "whatever" (see last post) comment from two nights prior was thrown into the mix and given a good stir. This proves a pattern of my rudeness.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
I won't go the gory details. Except to say that Sybil and I didn't start our "conversation" until about 11:30pm. She had just gotten home from bonko. We were talking about Son#1's baseball game (which she missed). During the course of my conversation, I was realizing the need to teach Son#1 some things about baseball, since his coaches, apparently, weren't. Sybil start with statements like "you should have been doing that all along," and "you should have not relied on the coaches to teach him," and my favorite: "you know that just because he goes to school doesn't mean that you don't need to teach him anything." Sensing another lecture coming on and knowing the time of the night and the fact I have to get up early, I said "yeah, yeah, yeah." Sybil becomes pissed. My rudeness in cutting her off in mid-point sends her over the edge. My rudeness in assuming that she is lecturing me, when she is really just enforcing my points. My rudeness in not listening to her.
I admit it. I was rude. I was tired, and I didn't want to hear it. I cut her off. I apologized for cutting her off. I explained that I was sensing another lecture on my failings. I told her that I was tired and under normal circumstances I would not have made that comment and would have been more patient. Excuses, excuses. Sybil believes my fatigue is just another excuse to absolve me of any responsibility. No. Not true. Like anyone averaging less than six hours of sleep a night, I am a little less patient. Excuses, excuses.
Naturally, the "whatever" (see last post) comment from two nights prior was thrown into the mix and given a good stir. This proves a pattern of my rudeness.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Monday, May 01, 2006
My Journey of Self-Improvement
Well, I barely survived this weekend. Naturally, Sybil and I had two big arguments. As she sees it, they were all my fault. I see her points on both, but I'm having a hard time coping with the idea that they are this big of a deal.
Argument #1 was on Saturday afternoon. For reasons I won't go into, I had very little sleep the night before. Naturally, we had the whole day planned down to the microsecond. Long story short, Sybil suggested we start cleaning the house for the cleaning lady (don't get me started) instead of waiting for the last minute. I agreed that I didn't want to wait until the last minute but suggested to wait until Sunday (she comes on Tuesday), because we usually have less things going on. She became angry saying that I took what she said and "flushed it down the toilet." I countered by saying I merely contradicted what she said. I agreed about the last minute thing but not about the need to do it in the hour and a half "down time" we had before the next event. Naturally, she countered with the need to work on things with the time we have rather than procrastinate. Sunday rolls around, and we don't have time to work on the house because of church activities that had to be done right then (according to Sybil). The house cleaning was started by me in the hour I had between activities on Sunday. We still have a long way to go. On an aside, a cleaning person sounds great in theory but in practice seems to be creating more marital strife.
Argument #2 started last night. We finally get home around 8:30pm. Sybil and I had nothing to eat for dinner. Since she is taking some high dose antibiotics for a skin infection from a bug bite, she must eat every time she takes the medicine. There was some left over fried rice that I was hoping we could share. After getting all my stuff done and coming into the house, I notice that she had eaten all but 2 spoonfuls. I comment that she ate nearly all of it. She states that Son #2 helped. I say "whatever" and proceed to try to find something to eat. Which, by the way, was fruitless because Sybil doesn't grocery shop. My one word seemed to speak volumes to her. She decided I was being uncaring about her condition, I was being rude to her, and basically being a jerk. I explained my irritation of not having anything to eat. I did not mean it as a rude comment. I apologized more than twice. She did not accept it. Sybil felt I was not caring about her situation. I countered that I was the one who talked her into going to the doctor.
Apparently, my journey of self-improvement is going slowly. As I try to improve myself to make Sybil happy, I seem to take one step forward and at least two steps back. Not the way I had envisioned it.
Argument #1 was on Saturday afternoon. For reasons I won't go into, I had very little sleep the night before. Naturally, we had the whole day planned down to the microsecond. Long story short, Sybil suggested we start cleaning the house for the cleaning lady (don't get me started) instead of waiting for the last minute. I agreed that I didn't want to wait until the last minute but suggested to wait until Sunday (she comes on Tuesday), because we usually have less things going on. She became angry saying that I took what she said and "flushed it down the toilet." I countered by saying I merely contradicted what she said. I agreed about the last minute thing but not about the need to do it in the hour and a half "down time" we had before the next event. Naturally, she countered with the need to work on things with the time we have rather than procrastinate. Sunday rolls around, and we don't have time to work on the house because of church activities that had to be done right then (according to Sybil). The house cleaning was started by me in the hour I had between activities on Sunday. We still have a long way to go. On an aside, a cleaning person sounds great in theory but in practice seems to be creating more marital strife.
Argument #2 started last night. We finally get home around 8:30pm. Sybil and I had nothing to eat for dinner. Since she is taking some high dose antibiotics for a skin infection from a bug bite, she must eat every time she takes the medicine. There was some left over fried rice that I was hoping we could share. After getting all my stuff done and coming into the house, I notice that she had eaten all but 2 spoonfuls. I comment that she ate nearly all of it. She states that Son #2 helped. I say "whatever" and proceed to try to find something to eat. Which, by the way, was fruitless because Sybil doesn't grocery shop. My one word seemed to speak volumes to her. She decided I was being uncaring about her condition, I was being rude to her, and basically being a jerk. I explained my irritation of not having anything to eat. I did not mean it as a rude comment. I apologized more than twice. She did not accept it. Sybil felt I was not caring about her situation. I countered that I was the one who talked her into going to the doctor.
Apparently, my journey of self-improvement is going slowly. As I try to improve myself to make Sybil happy, I seem to take one step forward and at least two steps back. Not the way I had envisioned it.
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