Follow-up Post...Finally

It's interesting to see the dominant/passive roles in play. Each relationship has them. I think it boils down to how much drama, fighting, assertiveness, or whatever one is willing to put up with. I don't like drama. I don't like the emotional play of arguments. Therefore, I find myself avoiding the whole thing. I find myself giving in to end the fight. Doesn't matter, if I am wrong. I just want it to be over. After almost 15 years of marriage, suddenly becoming assertive might have unintended consequences. While I am not afraid of those consequences per se, I do want to try to maintain some status quo until the kids leave home.

An example of this came about last night. We had just bought "Rock Band" for PS2. By the way, it is truly a fun game. Anyway, it needs at least 3 USB connections, but PS2 only has 2. Real smart, huh? I grab my USB hub from my laptop and plug in the connections. Son #1 (14 years old) did most of the connecting and setting up. He had some help from Daughter (11 years old) and Son#2 (9 years old). All 5 of us played it that night. Last night, Sybil had 3 girls spend the night with Daughter. They wanted to play the game. Sybil called be because she didn't know how to get it up and running. She figured it out, and they played. I am leaving work and picking up pizza for the sleepover. As I am coming home, Sybil calls me quite irate. It seems these rambunctious girls somehow yanked on the chords and destroyed the hub. Now, the funny things is this: it was my fault. I'm the one that plugged in the hub the night before. It doesn't matter that I wasn't even home when it got destroyed. It doesn't matter that Sybil thought the arrangement of the chords might be a problem and something should be done about it. It only matters because I was the one handling the hub. So I came home to Sybil yelling at me. I could have had a knock-down-drag-out-fight with Sybil about whose fault it is, but I caved. Why? I did not want a huge conflagration during the sleep over. The end result was I went out to Staples and bought another hub. Just now I think I understand why Sybil was so angry: she wanted to play the game and couldn't. After installing a new hub, she could not stop playing.

This is the typical scenario in my house. Sybil concentrates on finding fault, instead of chalking it up to stuff happens and fixing it. Something happened; someone's head must roll. Since I do tend to avoid the icky emotional stuff, I struggle to confront issues. Sybil has no qualms about this, so she tends to win.

More coming...

The 300: A Gay Ol Time

I know I owe you all a post. It is coming. Right now work and family stuff is kicking me in the #$@.

I finally saw 300. The story about the Spartan 300 holding off the Persians (the most powerful people of the day). I didn't realize everyone was a homosexual in those days. With the exception of the traitor Spartan, nearly all of the men were buff and liked to embrace in their loin cloths. Other than that the movie blew.
Pun intended.

You Limp-Wristed Son of a Fetid Donkey's Bottom!

My apologies to Monty Python.

What is the state of masculinity in the Western world today? Is society becoming more and more feminized?

I ask these questions because I really want to know. In generations past, did men allow their wives/girlfriends to hit them over the head with their emotions? Were women allowed to express themselves through the dramatic? Did husbands/boyfriends put up with women's shenanigans? Do men today have the cojones to stand up to their wives/girlfriends, or do they take the path of least resistance? Are men afraid of the hysteria that many women seem to be able to drum up at will? If men were to stand firm, would women realize that hysterical rantings will not advance their argument?

Most men use their father as a role model. How the father reacted towards the mother may determine how the son will react towards his wife. In my case, father tended to be passive to my mother, who was domineering and a lot like Sybil. I cannot tell you how many times Sybil has remarked how annoying my mother is, and I cannot tell you how many times I have had to bite my tongue and keep from telling her how similar they are. If all a boy sees is a father that bows his head to his domineering mother, then that boy may grow to be a man that will bow his head to a domineering woman. The cycle will be repeated.

What about the man that was raised by his mother? What male role models does he have? How will he cope with a woman's hysterical rantings? I suspect that he will be even more misogynistic. He may come to view all women with a jaundiced eye. Since my parents remain married to this day, I do not have any experience in this situation. My guess is that either he will shirk from his husbandly/fatherly responsibilities, and/or he will have a dim view of women in general.

Sadly, we see it even in powerful, supposedly, confident women. Remember Hilary Clinton's little break down? If a man had an emotional breakdown, everyone would rightly be questioning his leadership abilities. Like many women, she used her emotions as a tool. And it worked like a charm. Like so many husbands/boyfriends that are faced with a similar situation, the voters rewarded her with more votes. Instead of rolling their eyes at a woman's hysterics, they voted for her. Again, like so many husbands/boyfriends facing a similar situation, her tears were rewarded with a kind of a head bowed, glum, "yes, dear." If she is one of the most powerful women in the country, is this what we have to look forward to?

I don't have any answers. Like everyone else, I am tainted by my own life's experiences. My life has been filled with women that use their hysterics to create drama and keep everyone off balance. I mean, come on, how many men create an hour-long fight on how to fold undershirts?

What's Wrong with Me?

Well, I've been putting off this post. The intent of this blog was to "vent my spleen." I was not feeling that I had anywhere else to go to vent the frustrations of my marriage. I have shown the spotlight on some of Sybil's failings and our marriage's failings. In this post I'll try to shine on my failings. This is difficult because it will force me to look into those dark nooks and crannies that we all have.

Let's get started.

1. Procrastination. I really would rather not do it today. This is a pretty bad thing because it causes friction in my marriage. Sybil wants to get it done right now. I tend to be more lazy...er... laid back about things. I can give a lot of excuses (worked all day, I'm tired, it can wait, etc.), but the cold hard truth is I just don't want to do it. This leads to my next issue.
2. Avoidance. If you haven't guessed it by now, I am an avoider. I am not one to make a fuss about something that is bothering me. I dread the inevitable drama that seems to accompany confrontation. This drama must be avoided at all costs. The biggest down side is that things tend to come out when least convenient. One time I was listening to a comedian describe this. He tells about packing away these irritations. "Pack, pack, pack!" was his mantra. He admitted that this created times of sudden unpackage. A sudden trigger that makes all of that packed stuff come out. I know this is an area I am the weakest.
3. "Open mouth; insert foot." I am famous for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Since I enjoy making people laugh as a way to fill that void, I will saying just about anything to get that laugh. I've learned that the more outrageous the better. Naturally, Sybil lives in mortal fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes for some lively discussions.
   
4. Insecurity. I think just about all of us are insecure at least about something. I am, definitely, no exception. See #3. I try to make people like by making them laugh, for instance. Other things that reveal my insecurity are coming below.
5. Trouble with criticism. This definitely goes back to my insecurity. Since one of Sybil's best attributes is critiquing me, that also makes for some lively discussion. I find it very hard to divorce myself from the criticism and focus on the whether or not there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Also, I find it very hard to take criticism from Sybil for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I care about her opinion of me. If she is criticizing me, then I feel that I am not living up to her expectations. This emotional response triggers my insecurity and causes me to become defensive. Secondly, many men yearn to be perceived as a "knight in shining armor." If my "fair maiden" finds fault, then how can I live up to that ideal. Again, insecurity comes into play.
6. Focus. I used to think I had a form of ADD. However, I now believe I have tremendous focus. Unfortunately, it rarely coincides with whatever Sybil is focused on. Many times it takes a great deal of effort to keep my mind from wandering elsewhere. I find myself tuning others out. Since this is one of Sybil's pet peeves (to be tuned out), it causes a great deal of consternation. Although focus has its advantages, it is truly a double edged sword.

I think those are big ones. The two biggest faults are avoidance and insecurity. They seem to be twin sisters of most of my problems. I have a daily struggle with them. Sometimes I actually win.

The Hate Post

My first intention was write a post about my failings. I'll spare you, gentle reader, from being able to poke at me. Instead, I want to write about something Digger said in one his posts. He posted about the author, Schnarch, and his writing about relationships. One of the things mentioned was how spouses can start to hate each other. This hate is not, necessarily, a bad thing. Many tend to believe that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. If hate exists, then maybe something positive can arise. Working on changing negative feelings to positive, that kind of thing.

That thought struck home with me. It has rattled around inside that empty space that my hat rests upon. I have pondered that idea a lot. I came to the conclusion that I may hate Sybil. There I wrote it. I hate writing it. Oops, I wrote it again.

We don't like to think we hate the one we are supposed to love. We are not supposed to hate them. However, what other word can be used, when I dread having to spend time with them? I dread knowing that so much time and energy will spent on petty bickering and fighting. That is how I feel right now. Whenever Sybil and I spend any time together, it invariably leads to her constantly pointing out all of my failings or some little slip will trigger not annoyance but rage (yesterday I forgot to check for any text message from her). Kind of coaching from the easy chair. Never been in the game. It's kind of hard to take that. I have pointed out that giving instructions from the sidelines is not the same things as actually doing it. Mentioned on more than one occasion. Doesn't seem to help.

The possibility of hating my spouse goes against what I believed to be the natural order of things. That is the real conundrum. I'm not saying that I believe in fairy tales with everyone living happily ever after. I do believe that one should love one's spouse, period. Sadly, for the past few years, I have started to dislike Sybil. Maybe even hate. Although it isn't fair to her since I haven't spoken of it to her, I am afraid that opening that Pandora's Box will lead to a lot more pain than any happiness. Somehow I have lost that deep emotional connection to Sybil.

Communication may be important, but it doesn't always work. I am wanting Sybil to make some pretty fundamental changes in her personality. I would resent someone asking that of me (actually, I do resent Sybil). I have tried to be patient with others, because I feel that I am a deeply flawed individual. Yet, I feel that I do not get the same treatment from my wife. Communicating the problem will not solve it. I have talked to her, with her, and at her at length. She will not bend.

I realize that she has issues with me, and I am not the easiest person in the world to live with. I was planning to do a post about my failings. This post had to come out. I'm not sure if any good will come of it. May be some things should be left in the dark closet.

I Just Gotta Tell Ya

The one single piece of advise I would give a woman about to be married is this: don't be a nag.

I know sometimes women feel that they are not being listened to or taken seriously. Do you really think nagging one's husband is really the answer? Trying to be helpful is a good thing, but taken to the extreme it becomes like so much other background noise. Something to be tuned out. Also, men already have one mother. If we wanted to listen to someone telling us how we were screwing everything up, we would have stayed home and lived with our mother. Let me give you a case in point.

It's Sunday morning and I have to get everyone up and moving, if we are to go to church. That includes Sybil. Actually, she is the worst one. Now, yesterday was cold. No doubt about it. I told the kids to make sure they dress appropriately. To put on a coat. Sybil, naturally, is the last one down and ready to go. I've already made sure the kids are ready. There is no way we'll get there on time. As per usual, we are going to be 30 minutes late. As we get into the car, Sybil looks at Daughter and sees the kind of coat she picked out. It is not a very well insulated one, but it is a coat. Meanwhile, Sybil has on two light coats. Son #2 has on a hoody (Son #1 wasn't with us). I don't have a coat on, but I am wearing a turtleneck sweater. Fortunately, I am rarely ever cold.

As we are driving to church, Sybil starts in about me not making sure the kids are properly dressed for the temperature. She notes that I am not properly dressed and am a poor role model for the kids. For the 15 minute drive, this is all I hear. Since I am trying to stir up as little controversy as possible, I merely explain that I did instruct the kids to wear a coat. I did tell the kids it is going to be cold. I kind of feel like the kids are old enough to know what to wear. Of course, this is wrong. Not only did I not enforce the coat wearing, but also I am not wearing a coat either.

As we are walking into the church, Sybil is still going on about it. Finally, I say "Whatever" and go to Sunday School. She goes to the nursery to help out there. During Sunday School, I start replaying the conversation and realize her intentions are noble. Afterwards, I go to her and apologize for my behavior. The kicker is, later that evening, she accuses me of trying to start a fight.

So women, please do not nag your husband. Although your intentions may be noble and it may feel like the thing to do, nothing good will really come of it. Either he will tune you out completely, simply pay lip service to you, or he will react with anger.

A Kind of Peace

Thank you all that commented on my last post.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other...yet.

Life is percolating along. We seem to have retreated into our respective corners for now. She hasn't really lost it in awhile (nearly 2 weeks). Right now, it seems the key is to acknowledge that I am wrong (even I think I'm right), quickly apologize, state why I think I was wrong (even if I think I was right), and everything is hunky-dory.

Somehow, I don't think this is a recipe for a healthy marriage. What constitutes a health marriage? I have no idea. Married people seem unhappy. Single people seem unhappy. Therefore, people seem unhappy. The idea that another is cause of our unhappiness is just as laughable as the idea that another is the cause of our happiness. We have bought into the fairy tale idea that we'll "live happily ever after." The best we can hope for is to live. Hopefully together.

This realization, which really was kind of V8 moment of slapping my forehead, has helped me laugh off Sybil's tirades. I know I cannot really take them seriously. Now, before anyone gets on to me about not taking Sybil seriously, I must point out that taking her seriously is what produces our nastiest arguments. Case in point: see post below. That is a good example. If I simply nodded my head and acted like I was listening, we probably would not have had the replay of Black Hawk Down with me being the guys in the HumV's.

Is this really a healthy attitude? I cannot say. Digger can comment on that better than me. He tends to study psychology and has a better grasp for it. It probably isn't. Remember the goal: to live (hopefully, together). If this is the goal of marriage (besides raising kids in a stable, loving environment), then simply letting go of her tirades will go a long way to keeping the peace. I cannot expect Sybil to change how she keeps the peace; I must only worry about doing my part. It is the height of conceit to expect someone to change simply because one wishes it (some may want to reread that). I must only concern myself with taking my reaction out of the equation. Expressing emotion will only add fuel to the fire.

The Long Awaited Drama Post

So Sybil and I are lying the bed watching The Nativity is on one of the movie networks. We come to the end of the movie, and Jesus is born. Sybil says, "God must like sin."

To me, that is a bold statement. I ask what does she mean? Sybil explains that in her bible study (which she went to all of twice) they studied about a prostitute whose decedents went to become an important group of people. I've read the bible, and I was racking my brain trying to remember who that was. I felt that by understanding this example of her statement, then I could understand her statement. Sybil is sadly uneducated about the bible and chooses to live in ignorance. She could not give me a name or any more of the story. As I began probing her about who this person was, she became more and more agitated. Finally, she gave up on that line of thinking and turned to the issue that started her thoughts: the conception and birth of Jesus.

Sybil felt that an unwed mother is a sin in God's eyes, and He used this sin to save the world. I explained that, actually, there was no sin committed at all. Jesus' conception was without sin. She stated that to everyone around Mary Jesus' birth would seem sinful. I said, "Yes, but sin isn't defined by what people think." I went on talking about how man's perception of right and wrong has little to do with what actual sin is.

By this time, Sybil is quite angry. It would seem that I was attacking her. I replied that I was not attacking her personally, but yes, I was attacking her position. There is a distinction. I never called her stupid or ignorant or anything. Instead, she kept saying that focusing on the facts and not how she came to her conclusion means I was attacking her. I answered her by saying that I was debating her statement, because I thought that was one way to discover truth.

Nope. I am attacking her. I am a sad man. I only live for facts. I cannot feel or have emotion. Sybil feels sorry for the person I am. I pointed out that her statement was a personal attack. Of course, that went over like a Lead Zeppelin. In the end I could not make her see that I was not taking the conversation into a personal level. Since Sybil is all of the time accusing me of not paying attention to what she says, I explained that I was taking great pains to understand her.

I guess I am not allowed to challenge her beliefs. I should just let her go about her life in ignorance. If I try to show that I am truly engaged in the conversation and really trying to understand how she feels, I am attacking her. Is it possible that her insecurities have made her a sad, superficial person? Any challenge to her beliefs or thoughts is met with personal attack. How is one supposed to have a meaningful relationship with someone like that?

Hopeless.

By the way, Happy New Year.

A Little Change for the New Year

I've changed my picture due to the drama that is my life. I have a wonderful post exemplifying that coming in a few days. I think everyone will be amazed.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was pretty good.

A Day Without Drama is Like a Day Without Sunshine

Well folks, I haven't posted in awhile. Too much stuff going on here. Running 3 kids around creation, working 10 hour days, etc. It's very hard to keep the blog up to the usual posting that I had so long ago. Of course it doesn't help that I seem to be blogging about the same things constantly.

Let's take drama, for instance. Why is it that many like to create drama in their lives? Why is it that women disproportionately do the creating? Is it the feeling of "victimhood" that drives them? Are they trying to get attention? Why do it? It seems to me to expend a lot of energy keeping that constant state of drama going. Am I the problem? Maybe I'm too lazy?

Let me give you an example. Last night after taking Son#2 and Daughter to buy a present for their teachers, picking up Son#1 from swim practice, getting Son#2 some McD's, dropping Son#2 off at basketball practice, going to Subw** with the other kids, I decide to call Sybil. Sybil was at church helping with an activity. I had no way of knowing when she would be done. I thought I could drop off Son#1 and Daughter with their food at church, so she could take them home (it was now about 7:45 PM). I would stay at Son#2's basketball practice, since it was not scheduled to be over until 9:00 PM. Anyway, I'm standing in line at Subw** having already ordered the kids' food and mine. I decide to call Sybil to see what she would want, and I would bring it to her. Little did I know I had become a contestant on "Guess What I'm Thinking."

Sybil informed me that I know what she wants. She wants the warm sandwich that she got last time, "You know the one." Now, Sybil really isn't into sandwiches. She rarely eats at Subw**. I think the last time was around 4 months ago. The last sandwich wasn't a warm one. Naively, I ask for more information. She gets irritated and tells me that I should know. It's what we always get. Um, that wasn't the case last time. She isn't helpful because she can't remember the name of the sandwich.

About this time, Sybil pulls into the parking lot and walks into the establishment. She looks at the menu and points out the sandwich in question and orders it. I knew I was in for it.

I have made her feel like a second thought. By calling her AFTER I ordered and not remembering the correct sandwich, I have made her feel unloved. I have confirmed that I really only care about myself. I have confirmed that she will always be alone in this marriage just like her aunt predicted, when she was a child. In just a few statements she made me feel very small.

Silly me. I thought I was trying to be helpful. She was stuck at church with no supper. The kids wanted to go home. I felt that calling her, bringing her the food she wanted, and letting her take the kids home would be a good thing. A helpful thing. Nope. How ignorant of me. I, obviously, don't really care about her.

Drama. A person that was not into creating drama would have seen another putting forth an effort to be helpful. A Drama Queen, a Sybil, would only see things as some other disappointment. No matter how things are done, it will never be right. Drama Queens cannot kick back and enjoy themselves. Life only has meaning, if there is conflict. Drama Queens love to stir the pot and create controversy. WHY? Can someone tell me why? Why? Why all of the fuss? Why make a big deal out of not remember a freakin' sandwich from this past summer?

Help me understand.

Drama Post Part II

Ok, I was wrong. After having a terribly long, painful, emotionally fraught discussion last night. Sybil was angry with my selfishness. When I chose to go home for lunch yesterday instead of meeting friend's mom for lunch at fast food restaurant (which I don't like), I was being selfish.

In truth, I was being selfish. I didn't want to spend my limited lunch time at this establishment, so I chose to go home. Sybil feels that I should have pushed my feelings about the fast food restaurant aside, had lunch with friend's mom, and taken Son#2 back to the office. Should I have? Friend's mom did not indicate any need to hurry and leave the eatery. As I said in the last post, she told me that they had just sat down and began to eat. It seemed, to me, it was a win-win situation. Son#2 got to hang out with his friend, and I got to go home and relax for lunch. Apparently, I only cared about myself.

Is it true? Probably. By nature, I tend to think how something will affect me first. That doesn't mean that I won't be helping others, or anything. That only means I think of myself first. In a strictest sense, I am selfish. However, does that mean I only take care of myself first? I don't think so. One of the reasons for my lack of posting here and commenting on other sites is lack of time. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't have time to post at all. Outside of work, I have about 30 minutes of free time a day (including weekends).

That's right 30 minutes. The only reason I have that is because I get up at 6 am. When I finally get home (usually after 8 pm due to kids' activities), I can't enjoy any "selfish pursuits." If I were to start reading a book, Sybil would get annoyed because I am ignoring her. If I play on the computer, I am being selfish for not spending time with Sybil. As I read that, it makes me wonder who is selfish?

What this all boils down to is "what's the big deal?" What is the worst that could happen? Is it the end of the world? I usually say, "No, it isn't that big of a deal." I think therein lies the problem. For Sybil EVERYTHING is a big deal. Kind of a "take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves."

By the way, the only person that was inconvenienced was me. I didn't get to have any lunch.

Drama Post

I haven't posted a drama post in a while. I've got a good one for today.

To set it up: the kids are out of school for Veteran's Day. Son#1 has a doctor's appointment at 11:00 am. Son #2 spent the night at a friend's house. I'm the only one that got up and went to work (I went home briefly for lunch; the house was still a mess).

It's 12:15 pm, and I'm leaving my office to have lunch. I check my phone for text messages and read:

Talked to friend's mom am. Still have son#2 and said she will dropoff son#2 @ office before going to place am. Just FYI! She called...going to fast food restaurant for lunch. Call to make arrangements. Piano @ 1:45pm.

Unfortunately, I haven't shifted gears mentally from work to personal. I skimmed the message. I missed "Call to make arrangements." I got hung up on FYI. Since Sybil and the other two kids are stuck at the doctor's office, I was on my own for lunch. Now, I hate going to fast food restaurant. The food is overpriced, doesn't fill me up, and the traffic to and fro is horrible. I decide to get gas and run home for a quick lunch and be back in time for friend's mom to drop off Son#2. I get a text message from Sybil instructing me to call friend's mom (Sybil is stuck in a doctor's office and doesn't want to use the cell phone). I call friend's mom, and she says they have just sat down and started eating. Well, I figure no problem. The SOP is eat and then play a while on the indoor playground. I've got time for lunch at home and be back at the office before Son#2 has to be dropped off.

I'm sitting at home about to eat lunch, when I get a voice call from Sybil. When she finds out I'm at home, she goes ballistic. She wants to know why I'm at home, when friend's mom has to go to
place! I should have gone to fast food restaurant and had lunch there and taken Son#2 with me back to the office to make it easier on friend's mom. I explained that I had talked with her, and she told me they had just sat down to eat. Sybil continues to go off. Didn't I read her text message? Didn't I see where they were going to place? I said I read it, but I didn't think they had to go to place right now. The kids had just started eating lunch. No! Friend's mom has to go now. I say "Ok, ok. I'll go and get Son#2. I've got time. I'm sorry. I must have misread the text message." Sybil says that she should have known better than to schedule something that has to have me involved in it. She should have known to make sure she can do it by herself, because I am unable or unwilling to help out.

I'm in dog house big time here. I should have taken more time and reread the text message. I feel that it is an honest mistake. However, I guess I make too many of those.

Really?!?

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.

Who's Your Inner European?

Marriage, Toughest Job You'll Ever Love?

It's been awhile, so I guess I should post something.

I once wrote that I needed to post something negative about myself, instead of focusing on Sybil's negatives. So you will be treated to a bit of introspection.

1. I tend to focus on something to the exclusion of everything else. If I am reading a book, I will close myself off from everything else. Since Sybil is not a reader, she gets very annoyed, whenever I am. This makes her feel ignored (a VERY big pet peeve).
2. Daydreaming. I daydream. I can get a little spacey. This causes me to miss parts of conversations. By missing parts of conversations, I miss important information.
3. I have problems with people telling what to do. A case in point happened last Thursday evening. I am putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. We have these plastic cups that we got from restaurants for our kids. Naturally, they are different sizes. I placed a smaller cup into a larger cup. Sybil did not like that and asked me to keep the sizes together. This rankled me. A fight ensued because I refused to be told how to stack plastic cups.
4. As demonstrated here, I have a fear of confrontation. I have a real fear of the emotions that go along with confrontation. I am afraid of what the end result might be.

These are just scratching the surface. However, these problems can and have caused real problems between Sybil and me. The first two alone account for an estimated 85% of our arguements. I seem unable to improve on them. It, defintely, keeps things interesting.

Letting Go

Thank you to everyone that commented on my last post. No, Sybil and I will not be divorcing anytime soon. I know, I know there are literally...one or two ladies that are saddened by this. A commenter suggested that I should just leave her, and my life would be better.

Ahh...if it were that easy. I'm sure anyone that has gone through divorce will tell you that leaving someone is not an easy thing to do. Yes, Sybil has a way of driving me insane. Yes, she can invoke a sense of quiet desperation. Is that a reason to leave her? Like any big decision, one must way the pros and the cons.

Now, I have done that before on this blog. To sum it up, the grass would not be greener elsewhere. The damage done to my children, my finances, is too great to risk. Also, what one sees on this blog is a small microcosm of my life. Remember, I started the blog to "vent my spleen."

One of the reasons for my lack of posting is my "letting go." I can't get bogged down in the petty drama that Sybil (and many women, in my experience) produces. Having "discussions" over petty, little things all of the time is counter productive, but that is Sybil. She worries about the little things in hopes that the big things take care of themselves. I've decided that she can worry about the small stuff. I'll let that be her "job." I find that people that worry about the small stuff tend to be stressed out all of the time. Whenever I do that, I know I am.

One benefit of this blog is letting me peek into other marriages/relationships. Having done so, I see that mine is pretty good. I read many that complain about their spouses (who doesn't). I guess I prefer the evil I know to the evil I don't know. Blogging has definitely helped me keep things in perspective. That isn't easy. We tend to get wrapped up in our own drama. We tend to forget the pain that others are suffering. Also, we tend to think we are alone in the struggle.

So, for the benefit of my marriage, my relationship with my children, and my mental health, I must work on letting some things go. Now, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm sure I don't have the readership that I did. I probably will continue posting, but the posting will be less about Sybil and my drama and more about relationships in general.

Until then, hasta la vista.

The Saga Continues

Last night Sybil came home from Bonko with an interesting observation: the other women were amazed that she wins all of the arguments. The running joke I have is that, when I said "I do," my balls were locked up with Sybil having the key.

That indicates to me that much of what Sybil is I've allowed to be created. By not standing up for myself, I allowed her to fill that void. The problem lies in our different personalities. In an old post I mentioned that Sybil has a "scorched earth" style of arguing. She is VERY persistent and stubborn. Once she stakes out her position, it is a monumental task to change that position. Unfortunately, I tend to try to be a consensus builder. I want everyone to be happy. I want both sides to be heard and to meet somewhere in the middle. Mix in an aversion to confrontation and that adds up to a monster that, although I didn't create, I allowed to roam free.

I need to improve my debating style. I need to stake out my position and, rationally, defend it. It stems from a form of laziness. When these arguments come about, it's usually at the end of the day, and I'm tired (Sybil operates on ~9 hours of sleep. I get ~6).

Honestly, if it weren't for the kids and my fear of poverty, I would have left already. I hate thinking that, much less typing that. I was brought up to believe that married people stay married, no matter how painful it is. Also, this goes against my Judeo-Christian beliefs. Probably the kids and the fact that divorce courts are stacked against men hold more power over me.

To be continued...

Meeting Myself Coming

Things are still pretty busy with work and personal life. Apparently, I'm down to monthly posting. Part of the reason is that Sybil and I are spending A LOT of time together. Since work has become more than I can handle alone, I've brought her in to help. With her detail oriented, micromanaging style, it's a wonder we're still together. Love is a many a wonderful thing.

Nothing exciting to report on the home front. We've had a couple of blowups but nothing major. After a lot of introspection, I'm beginning to think that my libido isn't down. I'm beginning to think its my desire for Sybil that is. Don't get me wrong, I love Sybil. I think I need a break from her. Not a separation or anything. Just some time to myself. I have a hard time being with the same person (friend or significant other) all the time. I just need a break.

Hopefully, I'll be posting more than monthly. We'll see.

Later...

Alive!

Sorry for the hiatus. I've been extremely busy, and Sybil has been with me at the office everyday. That leaves little room for blogging. I'm sure my readership is in about one a week. I'll be posting more in the future. Things will normalize once the kids are back in school, and the office becomes less crazy.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other, yet. We've had fewer incidents than average. The one that continues is my lack of interest in sex. I'm not sure what the problem is. I don't know, if it is all of the past 14 years' of crap, stress from work, boredom (her boundaries), or what. I know she is disappointed. Maybe I'm bored? I'm sure that some think I've got it great, but straight missionary sex with me doing all of the work becomes...work.

Gotta run. Both of you that are still reading my blog: good to see you.

I'm not Dead, Yet. I'm Beginning to Feel Better

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. We've been doing a lot of traveling. We took our first real vacation last week. After 14 years of marriage, it's about time. There's nothing like a seven hour car ride with Sybil to make me want to take up drinking.

Yep, seven hours of reliving my past mistakes. Reexamining my life under the microscope. I won't bore you with details, dear reader. I wish I could say I'm happy to be back at work. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, Sybil is having help out in the office. It's 24/7 stress. Great fun!

Oh, my libido? Dead.

I'll try to be more diligent in posting.

Hope for the Beast

Take heart you hopelessly men. If this guy can get an attractive ex-model, there's hope for you.

This image just reaffirms the stereotype of the ugly guy with the hot woman. Why is that? What does that guy have that enables him to get the girl?

Personally, I believe it's a combination of things.

1. Money. I know I'll come across as...well...old-fashioned, but women like to feel secure. Salman Rushdie is a successful author. He has made quite a living off of his books. When the Ayatollah "of Rock and Rolla" Khomeini issued his fatwa, that was the best publicity he could have gotten. Thus he was able to sell more books.
2. Confidence. Women are attracted to men that are confident, not necessarily cocky. A confident man exudes an aura that attracts women and other men. Think of Alpha Male. The main dog in the pack (there, that will score me some points with women).
   
3. He asked. How many times do attractive women sit around and whine about not being asked out? Many men are too scared of rejection to ask out a women that he perceives to be out his league. Men adhere to the "Ladder Theory". This ties in with #2. Also, men with money tend to be confident.
   

The Beauty and the Beast story has been around for ages. Yet, we are still fascinated by it. Gorgeous women (and maybe men) attached to shlumpy men.