Does Craziness Run in Families

Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.

William Shakespeare

The whole nature versus nurture thing recently to mind. I've documented Sybil's issues here kind of ad nauseum. This blog is kind of a place for me to vomit up my frustrations of dealing with an irrational person that the only reality is her feelings. Learning to separate and wall-off my feelings/emotions in dealing with her is my life's work. It seems that this may be a learned behavior or possibly genetic. Two incidents have come to the fore:

Incident 1: Father-in-law was cleaning the garage and came upon some old baby bottles that mother-in-law was saving. They were from Sybil's brother's kids. Anyway, father-in-law thew them away without asking mother-in-law. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. Mother-in-law "punished" him for days. She stormed out of the house and walked off to parts unknown, she threw water on him, she totally went berserk. One would have thought he had thrown away priceless heirlooms not old bottles. Sybil states that the can understand why mother-in-law feels that way. Her dad did not ask first which makes her mother feel unloved. It isn't the bottles per se; it's the lack of taking into account the other person's feelings.

Incident 2: We are planning a big visit to Sybil's parents' house soon.  Sybil sent a text to her sister indicating that it would be nice to see her siblings.  Her sister replied with a nasty text basically calling out Sybil on expecting too much from her siblings.  The tone and wording were drama inducing.

Are personality disorders (PDs) genetic or learned?  Personally, I lean towards learned.  I believe Sybil learned and repeated many of the same techniques that her mother and sister use: over the top reactions to innocuous situations, lack of empathy on how their responses affect others, uncaring on how their emotional outbursts affect others, total lack of responsibility of "keeping their side of the road clean", etc.  I think that no one held the mother accountable for how she treated others.  Therefore, Sybil and sister learned that this treatment of others is justified.  It explains why Sybil is always surprised that I react angrily to her bullshit.  After all, Sybil is just trying to have a conversation.

If PDs are genetic, I do not think that Sybil and her sister (also sister's daughter) would have signs of it.  Genetic diseases tend to skip a generation or not affect everyone in the family.  Also, for it to affect the women of the family is really rare.  Therefore, I posit that PDs are learned.  Interestingly, co-dependents are the other side of the coin.  Co-dependents are created by PDs, and PDs are created by other PDs.  Also, our daughter does not exhibit too much PD behavior.  I think that maybe our past fighting and my standing up to her may have ameliorated that.  The sister's daughter exhibits PD traits, so maybe the husband did not stand up to her as much.  I have no way to know, since I do not live with her.

Interesting case study.  More thoughts to come.

Nearing an Existential Crisis

"Do you want to become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?"

As I approach the magical age of 50, I look back and would like to just kick my ass. I have reached the age where I'm looking backwards more than I'm looking forwards.  So many decisions led to me to this point in my life.  There were opportunities for a deep, loving relationship that I pissed away for one reason or another.  I am left with my time with Sybil which seems to have been marked by constant strife with intermittent moments of happiness.  When things are going well, she seems to find a way to ruin it.  Naturally, it is never her fault.  

My approaching existential crisis is: why continue?  I'm not depressed or anything.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of Sybil's petty arguments; I'm tired of her constant negativity to me; I'm tired of her constant criticism with nothing positive to add. Let's face it...I'm tired.  I need to create some space between us or I'm going to go insane. In some way, that is why I started this blog so many years ago.  I felt prompted to poor out by problems and document them.  Now, I feel that I am coming to hate her; I am coming to hate myself for staying.

Ultimately, this situation is all mine.  While I can blame Sybil for her issues (probable narcissistic personality disorder?), I am the one with a strong sense of obligation (co-dependence?).  I am the one that stayed.  I subconsciously knew there was something off about her a long time ago.  (Side note: when we fairly newly married, our oldest was only a few month old.  I had an aquarium with fish that I had previous to our marriage.  Sybil got it in her head that the fish would make the baby sick, and we needed to get rid of the fish.  I knew there were no-fish-to-human diseases and did not think too much of it.  One day I came home to find my fish gone and my aquarium half empty.)  I knew then something was wrong with her. I passed it off as some sort of cultural thing.  I really thought it was no big deal.  I convinced myself to stay because we had a child, then another child, and then another one.  Ironically, I was the very early stages of preparing myself to leave, and my strong sense of obligation worked against me when we had our fourth child.

Therefore, I really have no one to blame for this continual hell that is our marriage.  We have strife punctuated my moments of happiness.  Anyway, I am working on myself to get through the darkness.  I am working to create a firewall for my heart to keep her out.  Sadness grips me as I type this.  She is my wife; I am not supposed to feel this way.  Alas, I do not plan on leaving.  If she left, I would not be heart broken.

Well the Week is Over

The final tally for the week was -2. Sybil started 2 arguments with no positive comments. Right now I cannot remember what the arguments were about. Just general negativity. My score was 0. While I need to continue my path of self-improvement, that is not the main thrust of this blog.

More to come . . .

Do you know what 'Nemesis' means?

Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent."

I have come to the conclusion that Sybil is my punishment because of my past hubris.  I was "intemperate" in my youth.  While not necessarily thought of myself above everyone else, I did have a bit of a superiority contest.  God has sent Sybil to me bring me down.  In the coming week, I will attempt to quantify the negative vs. positive feedback I get.  Negative will be anything from controlling my behavior (trying to parent me) to outright lashing out.  Positive will be a touch or a word that is...well...positive.  It will be interesting to see what the results are.

On another note, I have come to the realization that I was "groomed" to be in this situation.  Growing up with my mother was not easy.  In a weird Freudian sense, I blame her for a lot of my issues today.  Lots of "whuppin's" and crass, crude comments.  As a young child of 4, I had to learn to take care of myself.  As the years rolled by, I was yelled at and to some degree neglected.  Since I've started to come out of the FOG, I've realized how much I endured.  Does a fish know it's in water kind of a thing.

Anyway, I may become a bit more introspective in addition to documenting Sybil.  I need to ask the question of "how did I get here?" and "what now?"

It Was My Birthday...Again

Well, yesterday was my birthday.  I'm one year before a milestone birthday.  It was disappointing, again.  I really shouldn't even care.  I try not to care.  I try to maintain low expectations.  To her credit, Sybil started the day off on a good foot by singing ""Happy Birthday" in the same manner as Marilyn Monroe to JFK.  Pretty good.  The kids text me happy birthday.  Parents sent a card.

That was it.

My birthday present from Sybil was a sandwhich from Chik-Fil-A.  As I was taking Son #3 home, she asked me to bake the cake I bought for his birthday, which was the day before.  I guess I was supposed to buy my (our?) birthday cake and bake it, too.  Anyway, kind of a bummer.  We had spent nearly all the previous day celebrating Son #3's fourth birthday.  It was fun and we all had a good time.  I really didn't want much.  Maybe a nice meal, maybe a card, something.  I guess her early morning acknowledgement is all I get.

I really feel like I screwed up my life.  I realize that I have many blessings: great kids, earn a good living which allows me material success.  Looking back, I blame myself for being so vain.  Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.  No truer words.  I had options.  I could have had a spouse that might have been more loving and caring.  I kind of threw those chances away, though.  I thought they weren't good enough.  I was hung up on outward appearances.  I didn't see into their core.  I knew looks faded, but I put way too much stock in it.  As I've battled problems with low self-esteem, I have come to realize that was the why I pushed these potentials away.  Outwardly, they were just "ok".  I put too much stock into appearances.  As I become "an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone", I wish I could go back in time and just kick my ass.  That's the only thing different I would do.

Anyway, I know I should give up any hope of a fun birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc.  Still trying.

Brinkmanship

Ok...so the last post was a little premature.  As I struggle to undo nearly 25 years of conditioning, I am learning the "push-pull" that Sybil exudes.  Also, I am seeing an ugly side (another one) where she is a "user".  Lastly, I am seeing how truly superficial her emotions really are.

Yesterday we had another blow up.  Briefly, I made breakfast pizza for everyone.  As this was my first attempt, I knew things would not go perfectly.  Anyway, the crust was done, but the eggs on the pizza where a little underdone.  Unknowingly, I presented Sybil with under-cooked eggs.  She gagged; I immediately took the pizza; and put it back in the oven and made sure it was cooked.  When I gave her the thoroughly cooked piece, she refused it because the first bite made her feel so bad.  Since I had not eaten, I sat down and ate it.  Later, she starts the conversation to say that, while she appreciated my efforts, she did not appreciate my eating the piece in front of her.  And, I should have known that she was so grossed out that I should have offered something else.  I became defensive and let her know that I was spent an hour straightening the kitchen and preparing the food.  In the back of my mind she was acting so dramatic and immature.  I tried to maintain Medium Chill.  It was so difficult for me.  The conversation continued to where she was sobbing that I just don't care about her.  Finally, I acquiesced to get some peace.  This morning Sybil wanted to cuddle and have sex (which we did).  Now, if I were so upset that I was sobbing and saying my wife was acting like an "asshole", I would be so hurt that the last thing on my mind would be to want sex. 

I have always known that Sybil's emotions were superficial, but the lack of depth is truly amazing.  The act of not understanding her was the worst thing in the world.  Yet, the very next day she was loving.  Is that "hoovering"?  I think so.  I just want to get away.  I don't think I continue this fight.  The constant having to monitor myself.  I have to not show emotions, but I called "robotic" if I don't show emotions. 

Another thing that is become glaring as I struggle to get out of the FOG is Sybil's ability to not just manipulate people, but also use people.  She seems to think nothing of demanding our older kids set aside their lives to take care of our 4 year old.  She thinks nothing of demanding of a backrub, yet become angry if not done to her liking (although I am so tired I cannot keep my eyes open). 

It boils down to boundaries.  It boils down to kind of deciding to care a little bit less.  This is hard for me, as I have morphed (trained?) into someone that puts other's needs first (codependent?).  Instituting boundaries is very difficult, but it is something I MUST do.  If not for my sake, then for 4 yo.  Honestly, if not for him, I would have left already.  I would rather live in celibacy and peace.

Things May be Coming to a Head

So this has been a week from Hell.  Sybil has been the same; I am acting differently.  I have grown tired of being treated rudely with snarky comments and rude behavior.  She talks to me worse than she would talk to anyone else in the world.  I am tired of it.  I have started calling her out on it.  Two episodes this week where she was being rude and snarky to me.  Each ended the same way: she stomped off.  The first one was the ol' classic "you are making me treat you this way" schtick.  When I called her out, she literally said, "I would not treat you this way, if you did not frustrate me".  She she stomped off in a huff.  No apology, no admission, no cooling off so we could have a real conversation.  Nope.  Just left me there.  On the second one, she simply looked through me spun around and stomped off to another room.  Again, no admission of guilt...I mean I made her do it by "frustrating her".

I just do not think I care anymore.  I am too tired of it.  Last night I did instigate an argument because I just am over it.  I have too much anger and resentment.  See, I understand we are human and we make mistakes.  I understand people can be frustrated and act out.  I have no beef with that.  What I am angry about is the total lack of respect Sybil has for me.  I brought this up to her as to why I am angry and hurt.  Her response?  I do the same things.  On the surface that is a true statement.  I have had a "tone" or used the wrong words in moments of frustration.  The difference is I tend to own it and try to deescalate the situation.  Sybil?  Nope.  It ALWAYS someone else's fault.

The funny thing is during the argument Sybil kept saying "I can't do this anymore."  Meaning she can't continue fighting.  With the exception of last night and a very few other times, I do not create and extend the arguments.  Last night?  Yeah, I was upset.  I wanted to argue.  I wanted to revel in the anger.  Feast on the pain. 

I grow tired of living with this emotionally stunted "adult".  There is no resolution to any of this and there never will be.  Sybil lacks the capacity to see me for anything other than an object.  Something that has utility to her.  Whenever she decides I am no longer useful, I am sure that she will cast me aside.

Quote Sums Up our Marriage

‘The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.’

The Great Divorce
C.S. Lewis

Sybil is progressively worsening.  Now, she has always been difficult to deal with, especially a couple of days before her period.  Not always, but that is when we have the most drama.  Last week was no exception.

Since we work together, Sybil and have to put together products to sell.  There is a machine that I use to cut things that go into making these products.  On a particular day, I finished all of the orders that were in front of me.  As we were nearing the end of the day, I decided to turn the machine off.  Turning it off and on is merely a flip of a switch.  Not a big deal...or so I thought.

Later that day, Sybil made the comment that I should have informed her that I was turning the machine off.  I explained why I turned it off and added that it is no big deal to, simply, turn it back on.  As Sybil does, she indicated that my lack of communication is the hallmark problem in our marriage.  That I just want to be a "one man show".  I told her that it is nothing to turn the machine on, if needed.  She pressed on.  Finally, I stated that her reaction makes me feel that she wants to control me, and stifle my ability to think for myself.  Yet, Sybil persisted.  Noticing that Sybil did not even break stride over my feelings, did not address my feelings, nor acted in way that even heard my feelings, I realized that she setting me up for JADEing and circular arguments.  I decided to let her rant and keep my mouth shut, as there is nothing to gain.  Finally, I stated that next time I can (not will) inform her.

The next morning Sybil is acting detached, as I am preparing to go to the office.  As I am leaving, she asks me if I want to know what is wrong.  Knowing that this is not going to be fun, I say sure.  She proceeds to restart the previous day's argument about turning off the machine means I don't take her into consideration.  I am so angry with so many emotions going on, that I spontaneously start laughing.  I cannot help it.  The ridiculousness of the situation hits me so hard that I cannot even speak; I just start laughing.  In doing so, I find that Sybil hates that more than be ignored.  She tells me to go to hell.  I leave.  She chases me to continue ranting.  I finally extricate myself and go to the office.

As I am pulling up, I get a text message stating that Sybil is packing her bags, taking Son#3 and leaving.  I reply something about that is mistake, yes I should not have laughed because that was rude.  However, leaving would solve any problems and may create more of them.  Yada yada.  Still trying to talk her down.

At the end of the day, Sybil informs me that she is taking Son#3 to a hotel.  She has packed her bag.  Again, I have to talk her down.  She did have a bag packed and was ready to go.  I managed to keep her from leaving.

Why did keep her from leaving?  A few reasons.  I don't want the house.  It is not a bad house, just more than I need or want.  If she left, I was concerned that I would be stuck with it.  Also, Son#3 is paramount.  I want him to have as normal of an upbringing as possible.  I realize that is not possible with a crazy mother.  Whether Sybil Narcissistic Personality Disorder or bi-polar or just crazy does not matter.  Being there for me son is reason #1 for trying to keep us together.  Lastly, God hates divorce.  I made a solemn vow, and I will do everything in my power to uphold that vow.  If Sybil chooses to leave and break her vow, then that is on her.  I will not do it.

Anyway more of the same.  If I want to keep the peace, I have to make Sybil feel that she is the center of my universe.  She has such emptiness and relies on others to fill it.

Emotional Pain is Worse Than Physical Pain

About ten years ago on a family camping trip, I was squatting whilst washing dishes.  I was in that position for a awhile.  Suddenly, I felt a painful "pop" in my lower back.  After that episode, if I lay in bed too long or sleep on the wrong mattress, I have lower back pain that will go away by walking around or sitting upright.

The reason I bring that up is that we had to go out of town last weekend.  My best friend from high school was retiring, I had not seen him in years, and I wanted to go.  Sybil, graciously, helped with arrangements.  One of which was a two night stay in an overpriced hotel in Nashville.  The beds were terrible.  The first night I got my back spasm and had to get up pretty early to get the kink to relax.  Since Sybil, Daughter, Son #3, and I were in the same room, I was quiet.  I mentioned it to Sybil, but it was not a big deal because it happens all of the time.

The second night...well morning actually...was no different.  I was lying there trying to "will the pain away" because I just wanted to relax in bed.  Sybil, uncharacteristically of late, put her head on my shoulder while catching up on her Facebook feed.  Occasionally, she would whisper something that might be interesting (nothing on Facebook is interesting to me, but I digress).  After about 30 minutes, I could take no more, kind of shook Sybil off of me, and sat up.  She asked me what was wrong, and I told her my back was hurting.  I sat there doing stretches trying to get the muscles to relax and eventually they did.  Naturally, Sybil did not do anything to help, but I did not really expect her to.  The rest of the trip was uneventful and we came home.

On Monday morning I greet her with a smile and a kiss.  Sybil is giving off a vibe of irritation.  I figure whatever...it's Sybil.  I proceed to do my morning ritual, we get in the car, and drive to the office.  On the way, Sybil tells me that I "am doing it again".  I am not communicating.  When I sat up Sunday morning, I did not tell her why.  I was cold and distant.  She had to ask what was going on.  I did not tell her what was happening, and she had to pull it out of me.  This accusation hit me pretty hard.  I explained that I was in physical pain and all I could think of was to make it go away.  Naturally, she was not having it.  The only time she even acknowledged the possibility of my pain was her statement of "the beds were hard and everyone's back hurt".  I tried to maintain Medium Chill (MC) and Grey Rock (GR).  I tried not to JADE or engage in a circular argument, as we sat in the car.  Finally, I could not take anymore and went into the office leaving her in the car.  We worked that day.

When we came home, Sybil started in.  It seems she was just trying to point out my lack of communication and how I was "doing it again" by not immediately telling her.  She felt that we were snuggling and my sudden departure was mean.  Again, I stated my case once.  Tried to maintain MC and GR.  Again, my "cup was full" and I blurted out that for her my physical pain is less than her feelings.  She stated as my wife, I should care about her feelings.  I replied that as my wife she should care about my physical pain.  I stated that it was apparent that I am no better than some utilitarian tool to her.  A box cutter...a piece of paper.  I stated that I am a paycheck.  Feeling that I was about to lose control, I went inside the house.  The conversation was pointless anyway.

That night Sybil started it again.  By this time I had calmed myself down.  I was able to maintain MC and GR much better.  I stated that I feel badly that she feels bad, but I probably would do the same thing again in the same situation.  I stated that her lack of empathy is telling.  I then closed my eyes (these conversations are so draining) to go to sleep.  Now, we lying next to each other.  I hear my phone chime her tone.  I asked, "Did you send me a text?"  I am lying right next to her.  I asked her to just tell me what she wrote.  Naturally, she would not (the words petulant child came to mind).  I went to sleep.  Here's the text:

So Sybil is acting pouty.  She maintains a poor attitude.  Again, petulant.  I'm tired of having to raise her.  As if to add insult to injury, she has not even looked at the Apple Watch I gave her for Christmas.  That will be the last Christmas present from me.

Almost Made It This Christmas

For the last 5 Christmases or so, the Sybil has had some sort of melt down to ruin things. Nothing is ever good enough. This year, I tried to take over the Christmas stuff due to her being very stressed out. Stress creates a hair trigger. I tried to discuss the Amazon list that our kids had created on a couple of occasions, but I was rebuffed due to her working. Not a big deal, but time was wasting. Finally, we discussed the list. The next day I placed the order without consulting her and her letting her know I was doing it. I didn't share the order details. I admit that was a major oversight. It was unintentional just forgot due to the everything going on. Last night, she discovered that one of the toys for was left off of the list (I really thought I ordered it). She was enraged because I did not communicate with her that I was placing the order and did not forwards the list. I took ownership of it. I apologized. Sadly, I ruined her Christmas again. Argument ensued. Heard "I hate you!" Told to leave the room. Etc. After sometime, I went back to salvage things. Argument continues. I try not to JADE, but defuse the situation (I know...lost cause). She is so upset she cannot talk. Instead, she sends me a text

today, i release u of any responsibility for me since i dont exist in ur life and u dont need me in ur life. u dont have to spend another christmas seeing me disappointed...this will make the 5th time! i have cried every christmas except for the one time u and the boys went to visit ur mom...and i did not exist then either. u never sent me pictures until prompt by me and never tried to call or communicate with me while u were away.  u dont care whether i am in ur life...u function fine without me. u dont care about how i feel so the best thing is to just release that burden--ME. u dont like how i make u feel...how i  reveal to u how u really think of me... i dont  want to tie u down or make u feel bad any more.  just let me go. i know divorce is not ur thing so u leave me no choice but to kill myself... i am dead to u anyway so that won’t be any different.  i love my kids but like u said, if i die, u can always find someone to help take care of the them. i know u r thinking i am being selfish...i may be but u leave me no choice..i need to stop suffering. i have tried and tried and tried. just like u said, you tried and tried and i supposedly left u no choice but to make that decision by urself and even after u made that decision, u kept it to urself since i have not earned the right to know since i was not never wiling to give my time of day.  u gave up on me...i can give up on this marriage. i am a fool to ever think our marriage would be different than ur parents. i come from a family that has parents that lean on each other no matter what. u come from a family that has parents that do things individually.  i cannot live like that...so loveless, so unwanted. i rather die than to be in that situation. tonight, i have never hated u as much as before. u kept blaming for ur actions...that is wrong. that action shows that u dont love me EVER!!!!!! you taught me well...I AM NOBODY, I AM  NOTHING!!

I'm in the room!

This occurred last night. This morning, she would not leave the room. The kids had to wait a couple of hours to open presents.

The kicker is I had gotten her an Apple Watch (she was acting good and did need it). She's barely touched it. She hasn't set it up. On the bright side, I got a present from her for the first time in years: socks and undershirt.

Really Struggling to Just Maintain Right Now

Going though a major blow up right now.

This morning Sybil was feeling amorous.  She will not use the Pill, will not allow me to get a vasectomy, will not get her "tubes tied", and does not like condoms, I asked her where she was on her cycle (she uses an app to track it).  It was not good timing.  As we have 4 kids and all surprises, my anxiety level went up.  I kind of cut her off.  I was not rude, but I did not want things to get out of hand.  It hurt her feelings.  She started acting passive-aggressive.  I asked her what was up; she told me her feelings were hurt; and I apologized...sincerely.

Flash forward to this evening.  The only kid in the house was the 3yo and he was napping.  I felt that it would be good to spend time with her undisturbed.  Sybil was working in the bedroom.  I asked to change the channel to a football game, she agreed, she continued to work, and I sat in a chair looking at my laptop and watching the game.  An argument has ensued: I did not sit next to her, talk to her (hard to do...she was working), and I didn't even ask if she wanted to watch the game (huh?).  I tried to address these complaints, rationally.  I did not want to engage in JADEing, so I made one comment. Naturally, it went no where.  I left the room.

Sybil followed me to the room I went to so she could continue the "conversation".  I tried to maintain my cool, but it is so hard.  At this point I don't even remember what I said.  I mentioned that I was feeling a tightness in my chest (a couple days prior I had told her that I was having a flutter in my chest).  That's when she said she has issues, too.  She just did not want to tell me (as an aside: it's odd that she brings this up now).  Some other things were said.  I can't remember them.  It seems I go into an amnesia thing.  Anyway, she storms off to the bedroom.  I am so emotional that just sit looking at the TV...not watching it.  I go to the bedroom to find that she has locked the door.  I become so angry that I very briefly contemplate breaking the door down.  I don't.  I unlock it, go in, and get what I need.

I am really feeling like I've hit the end of my rope.  I am tired of the manipulation.  I am tired of the rage whenever her expectations aren't met.  I'm tired.  It is so emotionally draining.  If it weren't for our 3 yo, I'd walk right now.

UPDATE -

Had a major "conversation" last night because Sybil has had her fill of not feeling loved.  She agreed  I did nothing wrong.  In fact, she said I was a "good father and provider", and I'm a "good guy" with "good morals".  Yet, I didn't make her feel like I loved her.  Sadly, old habits die hard, so let the JADEing begin.  I asked why does she think that is?  I pointed out examples of her treatment of me within the last 2 weeks (one of which was in front of our adult children with them saying that she wrong).  Silence.  I know. I know.  She'll never "see the light" and realize she is part of the problem.

Now, I am feeling anger and depression.  Angry because I stuck around for 25 years and have 4 kids with Sybil.  Angry at myself more than anything else.  I feel depression because my choice (and it is my choice) to stay means that this is as good as it gets.

How apropos: Characteristics of Professional Victims

Feeling Like She Cares

Another exciting weekend with Sybil.  She never disappoints.

Three nice episodes of knowing how much she cares.

1. I was feeling a little amorous.  I made my intentions known.  She informs me that she cannot due to "that time of the month".  I say that's ok.  I give her some affection, not expecting anything.  Naturally, Sybil is not one to let a good thing to go to waste.  She states that she has just about given up and thought I would never make a "pass" at her.  I reminded her of the passes I had made within the last 30 days (there were at least 2...I was rebuffed).  Sybil's eyes just glazed over.  Love is grande.

2. Having a discussion about all of the sex scandals.  Son#1 (23), daughter (20), Sybil, and I were having a nice conversation.  Sybil quickly let everyone know she was victim of a sexual assault.  Backstory: this is, technically, true.  It was an old man and she was a teenager.  She was not, actually, raped; he tried to get physical.  Anyway, Sybil's take was that no one should be made to something against their will.  Then brought up ancient times when a daughter was given to the king as payment or reward.  I stated that what if the daughter's lot in life was improved.  Living in a harem may be better than grinding poverty.  Sybil became triggered and started yelling at me.  Surprisingly, the kids came to my defense (even the daughter...she's kind of Sybil's flying monkey).  Son#1 went so far as to say that Sybil would never let me finish my thought.  If she had, she would realize that I was saying pretty much the same thing.  Sybil's eyes glazed over.  No apology was forthcoming.  I just have to suck it up, right?

3. After episode #1, I guess Sybil was feeling guilty.  She makes a small, tentative "advance" to me whilst in bed.  She states she can't do anything.  Then she states that she could do something for me.  A few heartbeats go by...then she says or I just take of myself.  A few more heartbeats go by.  I get up and use the bathroom.  I decide to just leave the room, make coffee, and breakfast.  Of all of the crap that Sybil has pulled, that was the capper.  I can live with the other stuff.  My wife being a "prick tease" takes the cake.

I just know how much I am loved.  Or not loved.

Quick Update

I was going to continue with the whole "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" thing.  After some consideration, I've come to the conclusion that it is only half way helpful.  The first half of the book gives some good stuff on Personality Disorders.  It goes into the emotional and psychological aspects of what this Disorder is.  My take away: people with Personality Disorders are great, big children.  Children have to learn to self-soothe.  When people are infants, they rely on parents to soothe them.  As they grow up, they have to be taught that their feelings cannot define their reality; they learn to self-soothe.  People with Personality Disorders, somehow, never learn that their feelings are not their reality.  Like a child, they rely upon someone else to soothe them.  Exhausting.

In the second half of the book, we read that we have to modify our behavior to live with these people.  My take away: it had to do more with appeasement rather than setting some sort of boundary.  The receiver had to keep in my mind that the PD person has issues and modify our behavior.  That becomes exhausting.  In the long run, I'm not sure it is realistic.  It seems like the best way to encourage a bully is to appease him/her.

I don't really have the answer.  My best guess goes back to setting and enforcing boundaries.  Since my personality runs more to a laid back way of living, boundaries are a new concept.  I've had lines I did not cross in my life.  I guess I have morals, ethics.  These were things I put in place on myself.  I never really put them in place for someone else.  Live an let live kind of thing.  This was a huge mistake and has cost me a great deal of emotional and psychological pain.  That is the one thing I try to tell my boys (the daughter already has that figured out it seems).  Setting and enforcing boundaries is for my protection.  I quit being the sponge of whatever emotional tempest that Sybil has.  I have to be kind of an a$$hole.  Sadly, a little bit of love dies.

Or, I divorce Sybil.  That is always an option.  I took that option off of the table.  Sybil has put it on the table of the years.  She even Googled, printed, and signed a divorce document, which is uploaded on this blog.  That is emotional blackmail.  When someone wants to really divorce someone, I don't think they do that.  I'm pretty sure they divorce.  They kick the other person out and get a lawyer.  The proceedings start.  Anyway, Sybil uses that as a cudgel to bash me over the head.  How does someone defuse that situation?

Quotes from "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

“The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.”
p. 58

"Continual blame and criticism are other defense mechanisms people with BPD who act out use.  The criticisim may be based on a real issue that the person with BPD has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy on the borderline's part."
p. 58

"Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults."
"Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept.  Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar.  Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value."
p. 60

"Many adult borderlines - especially those with young children - have noticed that their view of the world can be very childlike.  Splitting, object constancy problems, abandonment and engulfment issues, identity issues, narcissistic demands, seeming lack of empathy, and seeming manipulation are all borderline thinking patterns that correspond to developmental stages in children."
p. 65

"Filled with self-loathing, people with BPD may:

• accuse others of hating them
• become so critical and easily enraged that people eventually want to leave them
• blame others and put themselves in the role of victim."

p. 67

"Meanwhile, the borderline's unhealthy behaviors are reinforced because the nonBP accepts responsibility for the feelings and actions that belong to the borderline."

p. 68

"Non-BPs being devalued by someone with BPD cherish clear and powerful memories of the times when the borderline thought they could do no wrong.  Some family members say they feel like the person who loved them has died and that someone they do not know has taken over the BPs body."

p. 70

"'Impulsive aggression' is an impulsive, hostile, even violent reaction, triggered by immediate threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration.  The source of these feelings may be obvious or triggered by something unseen."
p. 72

"Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones.  With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she (he) is incapable of judging the situation realistically."
p. 73

"The non-BP may leave the situation, either emotionally or physically.  This could include working long hours, remaining silent for fear of saying something wrong, or terminating the relationship.  This may result in the person with BPD feeling abandoned and acting out more intensely."
p. 74

"In an attempt to gain some control over what appear to be unpredictable BP behaviors, non-BPs often find themselves 'on alert'.  Being on alert requires a heightened sense of arousal both physically and psychologically that, over time, can wear down the body's natural defenses against stress, leading to headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, and other illnesses."
p. 74,75

"Borderline behaviors such as verbal abuse, perceived manipulation, and defense mechanisms can shatter trust and intimacy.  They make the relationship unsafe for the non-BP, who can no longer feel confident his or her deep feelings and innermost thoughts will be treated with love, concern, and care."
p. 77

"Tool 1: Take good care of yourself: obtaining support and finding community, detaching with love, getting a handle on your emotions, improving self-esteem, mindfulness, laughter, and wellness.
Tool 2: Uncover what keeps you feeling stuck: owning your choices; helping others without rescuing; and handling fear, obligation, and guilt.
Tool 3: Communicate to be heard: putting safety first, handling rage, active listening, nonverbal communication, defusing anger and criticism, validation and empathetic acknowledging.
Tool 4: Set limits with love: boundary issues, "sponging" and "mirroring" preparing for discussions, persisting for change and the DEAR (Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce) technique.
Tool 5: Reinforce the right behaviors: the effects of intermittent reinforcement."
p. 81, 82

"But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else.  When you let go of this belief, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself."
p. 87

"With BPD, the cause of an argument is not necessarily the actual event but the borderline's interpretation of that event.  As you probably know, you and the person with BPD may come to very different conclusions about what was said and done."
p. 88


More to come.  I've posted this because I need to remind myself that the person that 40% of the time seems to loving and nice acts so crazy the other 60% of the time.  I had Son#2 ask me if mom was "bipolar"...his words not mine.  Anyway, I have no doubt that Sybil is mentally ill.  Sadly, there is no hope for her to get any help because:

1. She blames others (ok...me) for her problems.
2. Admitting that she has issues would make her face the darkness that she has in her soul.
3. She would have to realize that her actions makes those closest to her not want to be around her.  Son#1 moved back home and it is apparent that he has some pretty big issues with mom.  Son#2 moved to college and won't come home.  Interestingly, I believe that daughter is her "flying monkey" and will do her bidding.
4. Finally, there is me.  My behavior may have contributed to her worsening.  By not being willing to use the nuclear option (ie divocrce), I have taken away a massive amount of leverage. Years ago (before 4 kids...just 1) I knew there was a problem.  The FOG I put myself in kept me from leaving.  I have much ground to cover.

Various Stuff

A couple of things that are rattling around in my head.  Not much of a post, but has some personal stuff.

We hired a new staff member recently.  She's one of those kind of "earthy" types.  I'm not sure she'll stay long, but I find myself infatuated with her.  She's kind of attractive but not gorgeous.  I could not put my finger on it for several days.  Then, I had an epiphany.  She, actually, is kind to me.  She smiles.  She says positive things.  There is nothing overtly anything.  After my epiphany, I realized she's that way with everyone.  It was another reminder that a kind word will do more than an angry one.  I'm sure this infatuation will pass.  I do have not plans to even engage in it.  Yet, I feel even more depressed that this was all it takes for me to get this way: kindness.

I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.  According to the Kindle App, I'm 82% finished.  What have I learned?  Set Boundaries, Mirror Sybil's emotions (don't be a sponge).  Sadly, the subtext is that I have to be mindful of her emotions and feelings, so I can defuse the situation.  However, I can really never expect her to do the same.  Wow.  I knew this.  However, reading it seemed to make it so final.  Knowing that the one person closest to me does not really care about my feelings or emotional well being.  It really hit home last week.  I became slightly ill.  Chills.  Muscle aches.  Immediately, I layered clothes and went to bed.  Wearing fleece in the summer normally would be a clue.  Sybil made no comments.  Did not ask how I was or anything.  She, too, became a little under the weather.  I found myself trying to care for her and myself.  Very depressing.  Very depressing.  She could not see outside herself to see how I was doing.

No wonder a little positive feedback from a member of the opposite sex made me become infatuated.  Now, I am aware enough not to do anything stupid, but the power of negativity.  Like a fish not realizing they are in water until they are yanked out of it: jarring.

The Horns of a Delimma

A new dilemma has arisen.  My class reunion is coming up.  Sybil has known about it for a long time.  We even blocked off days at the office to make the trip.

Naturally, Sybil has found a way to sabotage it.  I was trying to confirm whether or not she was going, since the deadline to pay was coming.  She became triggered.  Apparently, I should not have asked whether or not she was going.  Instead, I should have had everything planned (including caring for our 3 yo) and then asked her.  Since I started with asking her whether or not she was going, I did it wrong.  I explained that I wanted to make sure she was up for it, and then we can put our heads together to plan it.  She continued to get angry about not planning, and about my not acknowledging she had a point.  The latter eventually led to a complete melt down by her.  To add to her perceived insult, I started trying to use Medium Chill to not feed her narcissism.  Seeing that she was not getting the reaction she wanted, she started becoming very emotional and stomped away.  Meanwhile, my question is left unanswered.

Now we have a smoldering fire. I have not brought the subject back up.  Sybil is acting like a pouting, insolent child.  As I see it, I have a choice: not go to my reunion (which is what Sybil really wants) which will add to my resentment or go and face the music when I get back (I may find my stuff on the Front lawn).

Stay tuned...

A Sharp Turn to Ridiculousness

So we having nothing else to stress out about, apparently.  Last night we really took a turn into the ridiculousness.  

Summary: we only had one towel in our bathroom yesterday morning.  Last night I noticed we two.  I remarked on this observation (big mistake).  Sybil stated yes, we have towels in the clean clothes bag that is located in our closet.  Then everything became circular.  Her statement only said we had towels in the clean clothes bag not the bathroom (begs the question of why didn't she just put all of the clothes up?).  Finally, she commented that she put a towel in the bathroom.  Kind of a stupid conversation.  Typical misunderstanding: one person thought their statement was clear, and the other person was not understanding how the statement was pertinent.

Sybil stated that I am becoming worse.  I do not listen to her.  Since I do not listen to her, that means I do not REALLY love her.  Naturally, her statement made me go into Silent Treatment mode.  How do I respond to the hyperbole?  All I feel is anger at the craziness of this conversation.  To keep me from JADEing and engaging her in a circular argument, I keep silent.  Sybil remarks on this.  Finally, I say this was a simple misunderstanding, I should keep my statements to myself, and I cannot believe she is engaging in this hyperbole (I did use this word; I'm not sure she knows what it means.).  I go to "sleep", which really I lay there stewing in frustration.

This morning I am about to leave.  We talk a bit about work.  As I am leaving, I ask her is there anything else we need to discuss.  Sybil makes the statement, "Nothing else about the office".  Naturally, this means we need to delve into why I don't love her because I did not understand her, which means I did not love her.  To which, I replied, "We can talk about towels this afternoon."

Good times.

Stuck

Here we are...

So, I've been really trying to buckle down and figure out how to handle myself with Sybil.  It's tough to unlearn bad habits.  It's tough to de-program oneself from all of the negative comments over such a long time.  I've endured so many times being called selfish.  I endured cognitive dissonance due to being called selfish, yet that not "jiving" with my reality.  Having my self-esteem systematically taken away, I started to really believe Sybil.  Fortunately, I never really truly believed her.  I knew there was no way I was that bad.  I earned 100% of the money, took an active role in rearing our children, did as much or more housework, I actively listened to her complaints, yet I was being called selfish.

Over time, I had comments on this blog from folks that were trying to point me in the right direction (God bless 'em!).  I was stuck because many would use Borderline Personality Disorder.  The thing that kept me from buying into BPD was the tendency for those with BPD to be impetuous.  Sybil is a lot of things, but she is not impetuous.  She has never thrown caution to the wind and done anything "spur of the moment".  Since I just could not square her as having BPD with my real life experiences, I plodded on.  All of the while knowing that something was not quite right.  The rages over perceived slights kept me knowing something was off.  Who cancels a Christmas visit with my family because I happened to look at a TV, instead of help her with Christmas cards (which I never asked her to do in the first place)?  No sane person would do that.  I could go on and on with more examples.  This blog has been a testimony to something not being quite right with Sybil.

Sadly, there is something not quite right with me, too.  Who would put up with this abuse?  Does a normal, well-adjusted person continue a relationship with the type of person I've documented?  Maybe some of the reasons I have been in denial for so long is the realization that maybe I am the one with the problem.  That's a big pill to swallow.  Selective amnesia helps, too.  During the love bombing phase, I always tell myself, "Now everything will be normal.  She will be loving, patient, and understanding."  Hope springs eternal.  Over time, I did become callous, scarred.  I loved a little less.  Sybil seemed to sense that I was pulling away, so she stepped up her antics.  I think a normal person would try to find a way to heal the person they loved.  Normal...what is normal?  Part of the problem is she will not accept responsibility for her actions.  The other side of the coin is that I keep trying to get her see my point of view...JADEing.

Now we are here.  Kind of coasting.  No longer willing to open up and express my thoughts and feelings.  It is pointless.  I have started to internalize the waste of time and energy that is.  Sybil will never see beyond her thoughts and feelings.  She is incapable of empathy at least in my case.  We're stuck.

Ahhh Sweat Love Bombing

So, as per usual, Sybil and I had a major discussion (fight) 2 nights ago.  As per usual, I tried to get her to see my side of things.  As per usual, she did not.  As per usual, I gave up.  The pitiful part is it took me 3 hours of non-stop JADEing to finally give up.  It's like I have a pathological need to never quit.  It isn't that I want to be right; I just want to be taken seriously.  As I am sure you realize by now, dear reader, that is never going to happen.  I read somewhere that a PD loves the image of you but never you.  I believe it. The discussion was a continuation of our last conversation. In reality, Sybil did not like me going Low Contact.  Anyway, I finally gave up and caved.  No concession from her.

The good news is that Sybil is happy.  Let the love bombing begin.  In the past I would think we had made some sort of break though.  Now I know better.  I know this nothing more than wishful thinking on my part.

If I can just plaster an idiotic grin on my face, we'll all be happy...until next week.

Unlearning Bad Habits Might be Impossible!

It was Friday, so it must be time to for the weekend.  To mark the occasion, we had a fight.  Naturally, Sybil did not see my side of things.  If I had only done X, Y, or Z, I would have, magically, gotten what I need.

On Wednesday night, we had kind of planned to be intimate.  I came into room; Sybil was looking at phone (Facebook) and watching her reality TV (Housewives of Something); she did not acknowledge my presence; finally, I asked her to turn off the lights; she did; and she stated, "I guess we're not going to have sex tonight."  Like a sad sack (codependent?) , I tried to make amends, but she was not having it.

Fast forward to Thursday morning, Sybil asks if there is anything I was thinking about.  I brought up last night.  I told her that I felt ignored and the coup de grace was her passive aggressive comment.  I tried to be low key, but Sybil felt threatened, naturally.  She started railing against me.  We drove to the office.  I have to leave for a meeting, and she asks me, "Do I remember what I said to her last night?"  I told her we would talk later (big mistake on my part).  I did not bring it up again.

Friday afternoon comes around.  Sybil is agitated because I did not bring up the conversation.  Round and round we go.  She never takes any responsibility (I know...I know).  I even get blamed for her having to be on her phone (monitoring a Facebook group for our work, and I've made comments about all of the red alert numbers on her phone so has to clear those out of respect for me).  I was supposed to make the moves on someone looking at a screen (phone and TV) and did not act like I existed.  I was supposed to climb over the pillow between us (yep, still there).  I was supposed to bring up my irritation with her comment and the situation that night (never mind that it was late and we were tired).  Sybil never, ever said, "You know, you're right.  I could have been a little more attentive."  Nope.  I just need two lousy sentences.  Not going to happen

I just don't seem to be getting anywhere.  I just can't seem to keep my thoughts and comments to myself.  Insanity is the belief in doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  I keep expecting Sybil to somehow give me a normal response.  I don't know why; I've never gotten it yet.  Nope, I have to keep JADEing.  I have some insane urge to actually try to open up to my wife.  I find myself becoming negative and bitter.  Normally, I am a pretty laid back, happy-go-lucky guy.  Now, everything seems to irritate me.  I seem to see the negatives in life.  I have to build those walls (boundaries?) or I'll be sucked down into the quagmire.

"I wish the sky wasn't blue.  I wish water wasn't wet.  I wish I didn't love my wife."
 Joe Hallenbeck
The Last Boy Scout