Nothin' Much

I haven't written in a few days, because not much to talk about. Wife spoke with her OB/GYN. He is still recommending cryopexy; hopefully, that will take care of it. She is still wondering why it is happening to her. We'll probably never know.

On the home front things are going well. Although we have had some intense discussions due to business stuff, we've not had a big time fight. She has been fairly nice to me. We still have problems with communication. In that, she says something, and I think she is talking about something completely different. This, of course, irritates her. This communication thing is very hard for me. I still think it is the wrong time of the month for a big fight. If my calculations are correct, I have about 10 more days. After that, I'd better watch my P's and Q's.

I've added another blog to my roll: Dysfunction Junction. It is the tale of a woman with many challenges.

In-Laws

My in-laws are stirring the pot, big time. With the pap smear results that Wife received, her OB/GYN has recommended cryopexy to remove the questionable tissue. She, I think, has a Class 3 (mild pre-cancerous). She thinks she is one step from cancer. Naturally, when someone says the "C" word, it puts a tremendous burden on the affected person. She is nearly distraught, because she cannot figure out why this is happening to her.

Wife called her sister and talked to her husband (also an OB/GYN). This wonderful man simply said hysterectomy. A hysterectomy at 33 will lead to many physical problems later (not to mention a lowered libido). Also, this is a much bigger procedure than an office cryopexy. Wife is now leaving concerned and arriving at freak-out. The cherry on the sundae was SIS (sister-in-law) saying, "Well, it is to be expected with your past."

Wife has had two sexual partner before meeting me. The first one used a condom and the second was supposedly a virgin. That leaves me. I may be the carrier of the HPV? I tell her that she notes that there is nothing abnormal about "down there." Although Wife may have had a lot of sex prior to me, she had only two partners.

My SIS's comment is infuriating. Wife's whole family is very good at lobbing "verbal handgrenades." Little comments that make a big impression. I resent what she said, because I feel it was made out spite. This adds more stress to an easily stressed out person, who worries for a hobby.

Anyway, Wife is going to call her OB/GYN for a phone consult and ask more questions. We'll see how it goes.

I May Be Changing My Name

Your Porn Star Name is: Jerry Jackme

Get your own Porn Star Name

Denouement

Things have been terrific since my last post. It's almost scary. I don't know, when the shoe will fall, but I am enjoying it for now.

Square1 has a very nice post on how things seem to be going. She describes very well what happens during a fight. With Wife, it isn't about the issue at hand; instead, it becomes about the issue at hand and everything that has happened in the last year. Sqaure1 links to this article from family.org.

This neatly sums up my frustration. I seem to never be forgiven. Although Wife is normally very nice and extremely accommodating, during a fight it is no holds barred. She comes at me with fangs and claws. The statement she said in my earlier post, hopefully, was made out of anger. I hope she doesn't believe I am a complete failure.

The whole reason of starting this blog was to vent my frustrations. It has helped me tremendously. I have read other people's blogs and realized that we all have problems. Marriage is damned hard.

Those Damn Hormones!

I'll never fully grasp how hormones affect people (men taking estrogen for prostate problems go through the same thing). Wife's period is over. She has been very nice to me. It is almost disconcerting. How do I react? She even made a pass at me this morning. I, being the weak schmuck that I am, accepted. So, we ended up doing a quickie before I left for work. Today at lunch she was very attentive and pleasing.

Question: can hormones do that much to a person? Can a person go from being bitchy to sweet at, basically, the flip of a switch? Are hormones this powerful? If so, how do I combat the effects? Do I steer clear until the hurricane flags are taken down? Do I confront the raging storm? Is there any hope? Maybe, I need to mark my calender and try to be as quiet as a church mouse.

As you can see, everything is peachy. No, nothing has been resolved, but I never thought it would be. I guess the best I can hope for is status quo

Interesting Article

Digger Jones has an interesting article on another one of blogs dealing with 10 signs one is involved with someone with a low libido. Reading that post made nod my head and say, "Yes!" Nearly every single item could be attributed to Wife.

The problem with low libido people is they do not see their lack of interest in sex as abnormal. The person with a healthy libido is seen as demanding, weird, kinky, etc. They can never take a step back and see that they are a major part of the problem.

Bad News

Things are civil here. Wife may have a sense that not everything is peachy. She has been especially nice to me. Going out of her way to say thank you for little things. I'm still trying to come to grips with being told that I do nothing right, in her eyes. Although I wish it were said in the heat of passion, I know that is how she feels. There is no middle ground. Grading is not done on a curve. One bad incident will wipe out 10 good ones. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I'm not at a good place in my marriage. Basically, it is something that I will have to live with. The knowledege of being a failure in my wife's eyes is very depressing.

The Bad News is Wife's pap results. She will have to go in for a freezing procedure in a couple of weeks. She'd had a Leap (?) done a couple of years ago. The OB/GYN has been keeping a close watch on her. Although we may have some serious problems, life would not be easy or good without Wife. Hopefully, this will not lead to cervical cancer in the future.

Another One

Another fight last night, Yah for me! Basically, what was stated was that I do nothing right, and she has lost faith in my abilities. Now, I admit to having moments. The thing is these moments have become cumulative in effect til now they have taken on a life all of their own. Although I try to please Wife (as any spouse should do), I always seem to fall short of her expectations. So, is it me or her expectations? I think it is a combination of the two. I admit to not giving 100% 100% of the time. I won't make excuses as to why, but there it is. Does anyone give 100% all of the time? I doubt it. But that is not good enough.

I can handle a little criticism, but when all one hears is criticism, it becomes too much. What separates nit-picking from actual constructive comments? For me, it has to do with context. Telling me to read the directions on a project, that is constructive criticism. Telling me I'm driving wrong in the Wal-Mart parking lot or blaming me for a restaurant's bad food is nit-picking. Unfortunately, Wife seems to not want to see the difference. They are lumped into the same category. Very frustrating.

The future does not bode well, if this trend continues.

Women's Peak...Fact or Fantasy?

Conventional wisdom says that males hit their sexual peak around 18 years old, and women hit theirs around 35 years old. I always joked that that was one of God's jokes. I remember being in my late teens early twenties and being ready to go at the mere suggestion.

In this post by ZGD63, he contemplates this and compares his libido to his wife's. When I read it, I thought, "Preach on, brotha!" After having several frank discussions with Wife, I have come to the painful conclusion that we are very different, sexually speaking. I'm not just talking about frequency, but also techniques. She has no wild fantasies, no kinky desires, etc. that much she has told me. Now, I find this hard to believe. To me, it is very natural to have these thoughts and desires. So, does that make me perverted or her inhibited? I think it is a combination of the two.

Women, generally, are more complex, especially emotionally. If Wife is having a bad day, she is totally not into me or sex. The cleaning of the house, taking care of the kids, etc. doesn't work. What works is spend all of my time listening and talking to her. In comparison, unless I am bone tired, all she has to do is look at me. Never mind parading around the bedroom in a G-string. Therefore, I have to believe my libido is much higher than hers, based on the amount of work that has to be done to get into the mood.

The interesting thing is that after 12 years of marriage, she is still rather prudish in comparison to me. I truly think it has a lot to do with our formative years. She was sheltered during her upbringing. She rarely had dates in high school and had only two serious boyfriends before me. To this day, she is very naive. During my upbringing, I was exposed to pornography, had three times as many girlfriends, and had a more varied sex life. I tend to think this has a lot to do with it. As for pornography, I get the impression that she would watch it but would never admit to it.

So to the question at hand, in my experience it is total fallacy to believe that a man's libido decreases with age and woman's increases. Of course this is a generality, but, based on the blogs I read, there are more men desperately wanting not only a wife but also a sexual partner as well (lady in public and whore in the bedroom). Maybe, it boils down to people are never satisfied with what they have?

Everyday Annoyances and Intimate Relations

It is ironic that, generally, men tend to put up with a lot more B.S., if they are having regular sex. The small annoyances (which we all have) are much easier to deal with. The ironic thing is women, generally, have to be put into the mood. This means the small annoyances that normally occur, may make them less want to have sex. So we have a situation where one person in the relationship needs that release, that intimacy, to relax and "go with the flow," yet the other needs to relax to become intimate.

For me personally, it stems from a lack of being able to be intimate, in a nonphysical sense. I have a very hard time expressing my inner most feelings and thoughts until after being physically intimate. The shields are down. Generally, men tend to have a hard time expressing themselves, especially when it comes to these feelings and emotions. Wife has stated that I am much easier to live with after having sex. I do not doubt it. I am much more relaxed. Of course, I try to tell to just have sex with me more :).

The Aftermath

First of all, thank you to all who bothered to give their opinions. I appreciate the sentiment. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going insane or fell into an alternate universe or whatever.

Wife did apologize, sort of. She textmessaged me to ask for a truce and to admit to being stubborn. Hell, I could have told her that without the fireworks. She and I are both stubborn. Anyway, she did not verbally acquiesce, but I'll take what I can get.

Otherwise, everything is same old stuff. Came home last night about 10:30 pm after kids' swim meet. Talked for awhile. Went to bed. She ate Cheerios (did not get supper) in bed. I tried to play with her breasts. She said she was eating. I asked which she would rather do. She replied that she was hungry, so I waited for her to finish. After resuming attention to her breasts and back of her knees, she fell asleep. No action for me.

Some may say that having sex three times is good, but I say I prefer more per month.

Can I Get a Ruling?

Things were going along too well. Last night we (I say we; she says me) decided to screw it up.

Wife had her Bunco night last night, which meant she would not get home until after midnight. No big deal. She asked me to call XYZ student loan company to get some information regarding problems we have been having with them and some other information. I do that, and some other things she asked me to do. Although she had been home nearly all day, I brought food home for me and the kids. I put all of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I went to bed about 11:30.

Wife came in about 12:45 am. She sounded happy and crawled into bed. She starts making a move on me. Now, I'm half asleep but I'm into it. A little groggy maybe but into it. Just as things were getting interesting, she asks me about the conversation with XYZ company. So much for being in the mood. I figure this is going to be a long conversation and get pretty irritated. I'm not mad per se, but I'm not happy either. We get into a discussion. No sex. The last thing she says, "I would have still done it, if you hadn't acted that way." She proceeds to go to sleep. This pisses me off. If she hadn't brought up the damn subject, I would not have gotten mad. I feel this is a spiteful comment. It was made to get the last word. I get to sleep around 1:30, even though I have to get up less than 5 hours later.

At lunch, I try to talk to her about it. I tell her that comment was out of line and a mean thing to say. She says, "Well, I wouldn't have said it, if you hadn't been rude last night." I explain that it was totally normal response. She tells me she just wanted to know, if I talked to the company, not have a long drawn out conversation. Normally, she is a detail person and needs all of the details. How the heck am I supposed to know this? She says I cut her off before she had a chance to explain. I explain that I was irritated by the bringing up of a complex subject in the middle of possible coitus. I explain I think that was a totally normal response. Anyway, we have a major blow out during lunch. She wants me to understand that I was a jerk for cutting her off and being understanding. I want her to understand her last comment was mean and spiteful. I do understand her point, but does she understand why I was acting like that and why I am irritated? Maybe. She did apologize, and then says she just had to get it out there in case she forgot. She keeps saying that she just wanted to touch base on the issue, and I blew it out of proportion. I say look at the situation and tell me am I not justified in my irritation? She does not see that her comment was spiteful and will not apologize.

I know I can be an asshole. She doesn't seem to know she can be a bitch.

Question: Should I have let that comment go?
Question: Am I justified or not in my irritation?
Question: Was her comment said in spite?

Happy Independence Day!

I meant to get this up yesterday, but with the family back, I am relegated to blogging from work. To celebrate I wanted to put up a portion of one of our countries most important documents.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these States. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

Let's try to remember what July 4th is really all about.

Money, Money, Money

Square1 wrote:

Sounds like fun! The shopping sounds worrisome... ever discussed a spending limit on the shopping trips? I don't have any credit cards and I purposefully take less cash than I am willing to part with. Window shopping is ust as relaxing as shopping and spending money. At least for me.

My reply was going to be too long for a comment, so I decided to write a post. I think money is a major problem in most marriages. In my marriage it has been one of the biggest. Wife and I come from very different economic backgrounds. I was raised in a household with no extra money. My mother had no winter coat. Although I had everything I needed, I did not have the new stereo, cool car, nice clothes, etc. My father has the amazing ability to fix anything. My stereo literally came from a junkyard and was repaired. When I entered sixth grade, I (like a lot of folks) wanted the nicer shoes, clothes, etc. My parents would not pay for a $50 pair of Nikes, when I could go to Wal-Mart and get a pair for $10. This instilled into me a sense of not wanting to buy anything. I still wanted stuff, but I didn't want to have to fork over the money to buy it. As I entered high school, things got better. Mom was able to go to work, since Bro and I were older. However, nice clothes were still a luxury. We would get them on birthdays and Christmas. I started working in sixth grade as much as I could and kept right thoughout school. I'm not complaining. It taught me a lot and helped develop me into a hardworker. In high school, I worked every Friday and Saturday night, played football, was into drama, and graduated with honors.

Wife had a different story. Although she worked in the family business from middle school on, her family had more money than mine. She never really wanted for anything. Her first car was new. The money she received came from Mom and Dad, so she never worked for anyone other than family. Like I said, she is a hard worker. She graduated valedictorian of her high school class. No schlep.

We have very different views on money. With me owning a business, she asks me for money for household bills. She says she knows how hard I have to work to keep us afloat. Yet, we have a woman to clean our house every other week, a guy to cut our yard every 10 days, she rarely cooks, the kids are signed up for every activity, we never have any food in the house (only snacks), etc. You get the picture. There is a little conflict on this subject. I have tried to put forth a budget. I asked her to stop using the credit cards. I wanted to use a kind of Dave Ramsey approach to spending. My plan was to put money that was not for household bills, loans, etc. into envelopes. By making us use cash, we would have a better understanding on where the money is going. It was like pulling teeth and never happened. She justifies her spending on the fact that the money is not used for her. The money is used for the betterment of the family, the kids, to help someone in need, etc. I cannot seem to make any headway. Plus, add her considerable student loans (six figures) and her unilateral decision to stay home has put a considerable strain on me.

Before anyone says to just talk to her, I have...ad nauseum. She refuses to see this as anything other than a personal attack. She gets angry; I find myself just agreeing to help end the conflict; and nothing changes. Been there done that, got the T-shirt. Like a lot of things, she does not want to see my side of the arguement. In the movie Spanglish, Adam Sandler is surprised when the housekeeper just agrees with him without a major fight. He is totally taken aback. He is so used to having to fight with his wife, it freaks him out. That is how I feel. Yes, I have told her about it to no avail. What will probably have to happen is personal bankruptcy.

Quite the rant.

Still Flyin' High

Well, I'm still "bachin' it." As a treat for myself, I went flying. I have my pilot's license with an instrument rating. With three kids running in three different directions, I don't get to use it a lot. Yesterday I did. Although the whole Atlanta area has cloudy with scattered showers, I got into Pine Mountain, Georgia. I had lunch at the Callaway Gardens (which is a very neat place, maybe I can get Wife to go next time...), and I flew back in 95%% clouds for 2 1/2 hours. It was extremely relaxing. When I got home, I felt really good. Euphoric.

Wife is sounding happy on the phone. She has been able to go shopping everyday, which has me more than a little worried. This week has allowed me to be very introspective and peer into he dark recesses of my personality. Hopefully, I can exorcise some demons before she returns Sunday.