Thank Goodness That Weekend Is Over

The longest three days of my life, I think.

Started Friday morning with me trying to form some sort of connection with Sybil.  I was telling her that I loved her and tried to get physical.  Trying to get something going...not just sex.  Anything.  Was not what she wanted.  I did not do it in a timely enough fashion; I only wanted sex; and I did not make it special enough.  Great.  Good.  Let the healing begin!

Friday night ended with a bang.  I told Sybil that I loved her.  She pressed me on what did I mean.  Now, I did not handle my reply well at all.  I told her that I liked her better when she was less angry and resentful.  I should have formed my reply better.  I admit it.  I have to keep things as sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns.  I was in a negative place and it came through.

Saturday was no better.  I tried to stay more positive, but my replies made Sybil think that I only thought of her as a business partner.  Fireworks ensued.  Meanwhile, my toddler son keeps saying "Mommy crying."  Awesome.  Again, I have to keep my feelings out of things, because Sybil can only handle sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns.  My feelings do not matter.

For the grand finale, Sunday night was the Mother of All Arguments.  To set the stage, I had made a comment that we had a lot of shows cluttering up our DVR.  We missed an episode of a show we like to watch, and I thought that might be the reason.  Now, when I perused the DVR list, I saw a bunch of the Real Housewife shows.  Sybil records every episode of every show.  She loves to watch it.  The drama helps feed the beast.  I had (see...past tense...you see where this is going) three shows DVRed (one of which I was saving for Easter).  I like to watch movies, so I had saved these recordings.  Last night I noticed they were no longer there.  I asked Sybil what happened, she said she erased them, and I kind lost my cool.  I did not yell or scream or anything.  I was irritated that she would erase these stupid movies without consulting me first.  She kept saying we had discussed the DVR clutter so she decluttered it.  I said what about 25 hours of Sesame Street that Son#3 will never watch that is still on the DVR?  She'll get to those.  Finally, her last words before storming off was, "I guess you'd rather watch a movie than talk to me."  It didn't matter that there were a ton of shows that NO ONE WATCHES!  She deleted my movies.  It was the principle of the thing.

Anyway, the night went down hill from there.  Major fireworks.  Again, I did not keep things in a non-challenging way.  I made her feel bad and questioned her.  I struck at the heart of her deep insecurity.  This made me the bad guy, I mean they are just dumb movies and they will come on again.  This morning I realized that she was wondering why her Real Housewife shows were disappearing off of the DVR.  I don't delete those, but the way she has it programed, the DVR will delete to make room.  Sybil will never admit in a million years that she deleted my stupid movies to make room for her shows, but that is what I suspect.

What did I learn from this weekend?  I must maintain Medium Chill no matter what the situation is.  I cannot really share my thoughts and feelings lest I face the backlash.  I learned that I have to take it like a man to keep my family together.  So I will continue to work on not showing or telling what I really feel.  I will live a lie because I believe it is better for Son#3, who is less than 3, to have two parents living together.

Finally Starting to Click

It has taken an inordinate amount of time for things to become clear.  We are all a product of our upbringing no matter how much we wish we could escape it.  Therefore, I did not really know what normal behavior was.  I mean, sure, I didn't like the way Sybil acts.  My mother acts kind of crazy giving into fits of anger even rage; I thought that was a normal reaction to negative stimuli.  My father, whom I have the highest respect for, did not really deal with my mother well.  Instead of setting boundaries of behavior and calling her out for bad behavior, he tended to pull back and distance himself from her.  Interestingly, after his retirement, he has kind "gone his own way".  He does whatever he wants: camping, motorcycle riding, visiting friends.  They don't even sleep together.  He invites Mom, but he does not expect her to go (and probably does not want her to).  Mom seems to not understand her part in their situation.  She may have moments of crystal clarity, but she does not really see herself as the catalyst.

Ironically, Sybil has many of the same traits as Mom.  That's why she does not really like my mother.  Sybil, subconsciously, sees herself in her.  The way Mom treats Dad is very similar to the way Sybil treats me: a lot snark.  Who would wants to put up with that?  So Dad disengaged.  He ignores.  Naturally, a PD person hates being ignored.  This only aggravates the situation.

In other news...Sybil decided to start something again last night.  I don't think I maintained my Medium Chill very well.  I still think that I am dealing with a normal person and can appeal to their intellect.  I always forget they are like the Terminator.  Sybil is a high functioning PD, in my opinion.  This makes it even worse because no one knows her like I do.  Anyway, she feels that I am too disengaged, too remote, she needs verbal stimulation.  That's code for she needs verbal drama.  I recognize the trap.  She wants me to unpack my heart, tell her my feelings, and then we can spend hours arguing why I am wrong to feel a certain way.  I've seen this movie before; I know how it ends.  Sybil doesn't really care how I feel; she only care that she is right.  If she is right, then I must be wrong.  Binary thinking. I can tell that I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

Despair

So now I'm coming to grips with my situation.  Thanks to Anon, I went to the sites he/she posted in the comments in my last entry.  I went to "Healing from Narcissistic Abuse".  Not very many posts. However, the one that really struck home was not the one linked in the comments, but the one about codependency.  Many of those traits I saw in myself.  That's where the despair comes into play.

There was a time where I was much more "Alpha".  I was very self-assured.  It's amazing what 23 years of gaslighting will do.  The Stockholm Syndrome thing, I guess.  Sybil had me questioning myself that maybe I was more than just a normal person that stumbled; maybe I am a selfish jerk.  I know she has used those exact words so many times over the years.  Gaslighting is an insidious  phenomenon.  Over time...like water on a rock...it breaks down the target's defenses until the target is left kind of a shell of his former self.  Then the narcissist complains that the target is a door mat.  The target can barely draw a breath.

At this point, my despair arises because my personality will not allow me to do the one thing that I probably should do: divorce Sybil.  I am "built" to try to be honorable and to some degree stoic.  For the first time I find myself at odds with myself.  As I explore the depths, I find that it has caused my libido to crater.  I have read articles and blog posts by women that complain their husbands are not interested in sex.  I believe the problem is not their husband but the women.  I wonder how many are like Sybil: never happy, always complaining, overly dramatic, lacking empathy?  Unless the husband has some physical ailment, I believe the husband just wants to get away from the harpy with whom they are cohabitating.

It will be interesting to see how the saga unfolds.

I did it...I Went Full Retard

After over 23 years I've finally nailed down Sybil. She does have a personality disorder: Narcissistic.

Here's the situation that crystallized my thinking:

Two days ago, I had to be gone from sun up until sun down. I left the house at 5:30AM and did not get back until 7:30 PM.  During my absence, Sybil texted my that one of our cats had fecal matter stuck to her butt.  Apparently, it came off on my side of the bed. Ha Ha, right? I texted back dumb cat and please change sheets. Seven hours later, I come home and find that the sheets had not been changed. I expressed my extreme displeasure (I was pissed) and stormed off.  This set off a flurry of activity to change the sheets.  Naturally, Sybil was the opposite of contrite.  How could I get angry?  She stated that "I would never let me sleep on cat poop".  Since she had all of her work on the bed, moving it would impede her work.  According to Sybil, I was over reacting.  A long fight ensued. Since I was so tired that I could drop, I finally just said whatever and went to sleep.  Sybil never thought she did anything wrong.  She kept repeating, "I would never let you sleep on cat poop".

This exchange was illuminating.  For years I have been reacting instead of learning.  I was being knocked off balance instead of realizing that this is a gambit that Sybil uses.  During this whole episode, there was no statement of remorse for leaving soiled sheets on the bed.  It was only about how my demands inconvenienced her or I was over-reacting.  All I could think about was the incident with the seat warmer.  The incident where I did not turn her seat warmer on, so she felt that I did not really love her.  In my mind, a less than warm seat is not nearly as bad as leaving cat feces covered sheet on the bed for over SEVEN hours.  This where things became apparent that I am living with someone with narcissistic tendencies.  Both illuminate that it is all about Sybil.  She does not really love anyone but herself.  I'm not sure where I fit in her universe.  Question is does Sybil have narcissistic personality disorder?

Never go full retard.

Stay tuned.

Time for an Update

It's quiet...too quiet.  Sybil has pulled her anger back, started acting loving, and seems normal.  I'm left with my defenses on full alert.  After 23 years, I'm finally learning that this is the quiet before the storm.  Yeah, I'm that slow of a learner.

I'm really, really questioning her sanity.  What I used to chalk up to hormonal fluctuations, I know am wondering whether she is truly bipolar.  That is something I will be exploring in the coming days.  I'm starting to feel that she has highs and lows.

Something else I've noticed: "love bombing".  After periods of intense conflict, Sybil acts very loving, very sexual.  It seems that she kind of notices that she has gone too far and is trying to reel me back in.  What she does not see (and I've not discussed) is that each time she goes ballistic over an inconsequential thing, I put the shields up.  I trust her less and less.  I feel less and less connected.  I feel anxiety not knowing when the shoe will drop.

Stay tuned...

Did It Again

Careful, young Jedi.

"What are my goals for the new year?" asks Sybil.  Caught unawares, I state improve office efficiency, work on work/life balance, develop a hobby.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was supposed to say, "I am reflecting on myself as a person and will strive to improve upon myself, especially in the area of how selfish and uncaring I am."

I walked right into the trap.  I had no idea that Sybil was testing me to see what I was thinking and whether I cared enough about her feelings to make the necessary changes in myself to satisfy her.  She was disappointed that I never stated that was my intention.  I did not indicated that my goal this year was to strive towards self-improvement.

Naturally, an argument ensued.  Again, I was left trying to appeal to Sybil's feelings using reason.  A losing course of action.  One cannot oppose rhetoric with dialectic.  I am ill-equipped in the rhetoric department.  Losing proposition.

Of course, Sybil cannot see the hubris she has in demanding that I change.  Firstly, the change she wants is for me to focus on the little things.  We're not talking about me coming home drunk at 3 am, spending all of our money, nor having some sort of a problem chasing women.  Nope.  We're talking about turning the seat warmer on in the truck, making sure I pack her the right lunch, etc.  The things that really matter, right?

It almost feels like she is tying to push me into divorcing her.  Since I have taken divorce off of the table (religious reasons and 'for the children'), it will have to be Sybil that pulls the trigger.  Of course, my not willing to divorce her diminishes my leverage over her.

At this rate, the New Year will definitely be exciting.

Quick Update

I don't have much to update.  Still simmering resentment from Sybil to me.  Sadly, this creates simmering resentment from me to Sybil.  Sybil feels strongly the incident with the truck shows a pattern of loving her enough.  No matter that it may have caused me to go from a chest cold to bronchitis with the me having to take the meds to treat it.  No resolution.  Just a long running argument.  We are terrible in conflict resolution.

When do the "shit tests" end?  Never.  A good running example is Sybil saying I need to "woo" her.  Ok...never mind that we've been married 23 years, so why do I have to treat her like we are still dating.  People get married so they don't have to date.  Anyway, the shit test goes like this:

Step 1 - Sybil says I don't ask her out and plan an outing.  I don't make a fun date.
Step 2 - Ask Sybil out.  Sybil complains about the why I am asking her for a Friday night date, instead of a night that is closer (it's Tuesday).
Step 3 - Change it from Friday to Thursday after we do a few things at the business for the end of the year.  Sybil complains that I ask her to go out after I made her work (we came to an agreement about the day).
Step 4 - Complain about the way I ask her out.
Step 5 - I am angry and don't really want to take her out.
Step 6 - Repeat until one of us dies.

It never ends.  Ask me to do something nice and then complain.  Did that with Valentine's (I bought her a small box of candy; she did not like how it tasted; and she bought me nothing...not even physical affection).  I don't expect her to do anything nice for me.  On the rare occasions she does something for me, I appreciate it.  Sybil expects me to show her love by perfectly "wooing" her and holds it against me when her expectations are not met.  Since Sybil has such high expectations, she is always disappointed.  Never satisfied.  That's the fundamental difference: I do not expect anything from anyone; Sybil expects perfection from everyone.  She is disappointed which adds to her negativity.

Not too hopeful about the New Year.

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

So it's winter time, almost.  The temperatures are pretty chilly even for our area.

This morning Sybil and I are trying to leave to go to the office.  Son #3 wakes up right before we need to leave.  Since he's two, that is a problem.  Daughter is there to help, but the boy loves his mother.  I tell Sybil that'll go start my vehicle to get it warm for her and she can sneak out when able.

I go to the vehicle and get it started.  The temp is 33 degrees.  I cannot go back inside because we are trying to sneak away from Son #3.  I decide to sit in the vehicle while it warms up.  I figure the odds that Sybil can get away are about 65 to 35 against.  After waiting about 10 minutes, Sybil manages to come out the front door.  I move the vehicle closer so she can get in without having to manage with the edge of drive way.  Her first comment is my not have the seat warmer on for her. The second time she made that comment, I told her I made the whole vehicle warm.

Apparently, Sybil had time to think on the way to the office. As soon as we were in the warmth of the building, she let me know how I failed. I didn't have the vehicle positioned correctly (so Son #3 could not hear), I did not have seat warmer on, and I did not get her bag. I explained that those issues seem to totally negate the fact that I sat in a cold vehicle for 15 minutes. 1 told her that there is no point in trying to do something nice for her because she will find a way to turn it into a negative.

Hateful

Hateful \ˈhāt-fəl\: 1. Full of hate. 2. of or deserving hate

Which definition is apropos?  Is Sybil "full of hate", or am I "of or deserving hate"?

The simplest conversation seems to take the turn for the surreal as Sybil expresses her "disappointment" by projecting herself to be hateful.  Today's episode is my trying to engage her in a conversation about what to do for the office Christmas.  Do we need to go to a certain store after work today and purchase items?  The conversation went sideways as I did not readily remember the other parts of what her plan was: gift cards in addition to purchased items.  Sybil could barely keep her contempt in.  The way she expressed herself to me made her feelings very palpable.  Since I only got half of the plan correct by not remembering the gift cards, is Sybil "full of hate" or am I "of or deserving hate"?  That is the question: where is someone no longer allowed to be patient and understanding?  I'd like a ruling.

By the way, we did not decide on going to the store today.  At the end, Sybil acted hateful; and I disengaged.  Like so many of our conversations, nothing got accomplished.  Well...that's not true.  We're pissed at each other.

The drama continues...

Powerless

Many times those that have been in a car wreck know that everything seems to slow down and no matter what the wreck still happened.  It's like the event was pre-ordained and no matter what there was going to be a wreck.  That's how it's going with us.  Here is a nice pic of what Sybil presented to me last night:        

Sybil in her altruistic way spent valuable time Googling, downloading, printing, and completing a divorce petition for me, or that was the reason she gave me.  I just do not know how to respond.  If I REALLY wanted a divorce, I would taken care of this myself.  I'm not the one that during every spat that isn't going my way starting saying I want a divorce. We seem to have one about every Sunday.  Makes for an interesting Monday.

Quick details for documentation's sake: Saturday morning I did not pickup the rent check because Son#2 had a parade (we didn't know).  I had something to do at the office and did not feel that I would have time to pick up the rent check and be back in time for the us to go to the parade.  I thought I communicated with Sybil, but I guess I did not.  Anyway, major blow up.  When I get home from office to go to the parade, she calls me and starts yelling.  It's stereo due to yelling from upstairs and into my phone.  Calls me a liar because I thought I had talked with her.  We got off of the phone.  I took Son#3 outside to play.  Thought about it.  Came back in, apologized, gave her affection, asked forgiveness, did not receive.  After the parade, we eventually get the rent check.  On the way, we go through the conversation again.  Sybil lets me know how hurtful it was that I did not follow through with the plan and communicate with her.  I was contrite and accepted responsibility.  Later that night, she got a text from Son#2 that Son #3 like Reese's candy.  I try to let her know that I have a weakness for these kinds of foods (she had just bought 2 packages of Chocolate Chunk cookies) and to not buy them.  I let her know that I struggle with sugar and may be a sugar addict.  Instead of trying show empathy or concern, she spends most of the conversation poking holes in my theory.  I get angry because, again, she does not seem to take my concerns seriously.  Sybil knew I was angry, and I know this because she told Son#2 that I was angry.  If the roles were reversed, she would expect me to confront and comfort her to assuage her angry towards me.  She did not do this with me.  I do not expect her to, because I will confront you if I have a problem with you.  Anyway, the next day during conversation I said made comments in a way she disapproved.  I don't think I was angry still (I never expected her to talk with me, and I knew that talking with her would go nowhere).  Later she asked, if she had done anything wrong and I told her no.  I told her I had apologized for the way my words came out.  Since she started the conversation, I took the opportunity to express my irritation (by now) with how she talked to me last evening.  Eventually, she gave a verbal apology.  Normally, I would accept it, but Sunday I could not.  Too many times I've apologized for the slightest infraction, and my apology not being good enough.  The reason Sybil would not accept my apology was the way it was delivered: no showing of true remorse and emotion in my delivery.  I did not hug and comfort her.  On Sunday I pointed out that Sybil did the same thing that I do to her.  I pointed out that her apology was no different than the way I deliver one and she was not following her dictum.  Her reply?  Full on snark.  She replied, "Since when did you become an expert on apologies?"  I gave her a chance to walk it back; she doubled down.  Things went downhill from there.  So she performed a web search, downloaded, printed, and completed a Petition for Divorce.  Her rationale is that she did it because that is what I wanted.

At this point, I do not know who is the crazy one.  I'm sure her point of view is different.  I'm sure she feels justified in doing and saying everything she did.  However, at no point during the 23 years of marriage did I present her with said Petition.  On about 3 occasions I have used the "Divorce" word in a heated moment.  Sybil has come to use during nearly every spat.  One thing I have come to realize is that we do not have the ability to resolve conflict.  I have to realize (because she has told me so) that I will never receive forgiveness for past transgressions.  I have come to realize that I must take steps for my protection.

Today I opened an account with an online bank.  I am resolving to set up some savings.  If she nukes our marriage, I have to be prepared.  My goal is to put enough money in the account to pay a lawyer to be on retainer and get a place to live.  I have to expect to be ejected from our house.  The Sword of Damocles hangs over me.  I hope to have several thousand dollars set aside within a year.  That may not be realistic, but that is my goal.  Sybil just does not understand the toll a divorce will take on her, the kids, and me.  It would devastate the kids; she would actually have to get a real job (she worked in her family's restaurant and has been working in my business after that); and we would be thrust into poverty.  Sybil has no concept of setting up and sticking to a budget.  In fairness, I struggle in that regard, too.

Developing...

The Saga Continues

Well, Sybil and I are stuck.  She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment.  She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend).  I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail.  Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.

During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago.  There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out.  Sybil did not like that.  She felt that I was ignoring her.  Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us.  She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her.  In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy.  Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.

This is where Sybil is: stuck.  I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her.  I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money.  Nope.  All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored.  To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical.  I don't know how to break through and resolve things.  I'm not sure it's possible.  Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce.  Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family.  She is stuck.  I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out.  I want to be able to get out within an hour or less.  Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable.  I hope it does not come to that.

What are the reasons for divorce?  Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity.  Period.  At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them.  In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse.  If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time.  However, I am neither.  No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy.  I am not bound to make her happy.  I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church.  That is it.  While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept.  I pray she will.

Wow! A New Post

I haven't died, kidnapped by space aliens, or fallen off the face of the planet.  Truth-be-told, I lost interest in blogging.  I think this happens to a lot of bloggers.  For most of us, it is a hobby...maybe even an obsession.  Eventually, that hobby kinds of fades away.  Having said (written?) that, I do feel moved to write an update about my situation.

There is no update.  My situation is, basically, the same.  Sybil is the same.  Our stress level is the same (high).  I wish I could say we have made some strides into improving things.  We have not.  I think it boils down to a "Frog and Scorpion" kind of thing.  I feel that I will be posting more here because I have a feeling that things are disintegrating.  I feel that, if it were not for the kids, she would have left by now.  She has made threats about divorcing me.  I don't deal well with threats or ultimatums.  Each time she makes that threat, I call her bluff.  Most of it emotional bluster, but who knows?

It would seem that I will be reviving the blog, if for no other purpose, but to document things.  In my profession, we have to extensively document to protect ourselves.  This situation is no different.

Therefore, let us examine the latest event.

Let me preface by saying we had planned on seeing a movie for quite some time.  A new movie theater had been built that was supposed to be awesome.  We explained to the kids that they could not go to the movies until we had gone.  This was explained over and over again.  Now, on the night before we were supposed to go (I bought tickets several days prior), we had a big argument.  To be honest Sybil became enraged with me.  Sybil, Daughter, and I were in the bedroom at night; working.  The television was on and I had headphones on.  Sybil asked for my help with something on her computer.  Since I was in the middle of something, I told her I would help her in a minute.  Unbeknownst to me, I started watching TV.  It was an unconscious act.  Sybil saw this; slammed her laptop shut; and said she was done (she was working on Christmas cards).  I could tell that she was upset.  I apologized and immediately stopped what I was doing and started to help.  Daughter and I started working on the Christmas cards.  Sybil stopped and started another task.  She would not longer participate in helping.  Eventually, it got late Daughter went to bed.  Then it began.  Sybil was very angry.  It stems from the fact that I stopped working and was watching TV, instead of helping her.  I apologized.  She was not mollified.  Sybil went on and on.  We were up to 2 AM arguing.  Finally, I told her that no one TOLD her to do the Christmas cards.  She took that upon herself.  Her vitriol does not fit the infraction.  I apologized many times for being distracted.  To no affect.  Finally, I told her that the conversation was over and I went to sleep.

The new day arrived (the day of the movie).  Sybil is still upset, barely talking to me.  We rehashed the previous night's conversation.  Again, I apologized (she did not feel I was apologizing sincerely nor correctly).  I explained that she needs to get ready to go to the movie.  She says she's not going.  Despite my protestations, she was unmoved.  I took Son #2, instead.  Son #2 and I watched the movie, but the whole time I was stewing in anger and frustration.  I did not enjoy myself.  She won.  The next day she admitted to "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

I am at my wits' end.  I do not know how to handle the immaturity of this woman.  This woman that is quite intelligent and insightful.  My life is miserable.  

The "Red Pill" would instruct me to not care about her emotional outbursts or her spitefulness.  It would say that a parent does not care about the outbursts of a small child, so why should a husband care about the emotional outbursts of crazed woman?  Sadly, the "Red Pill" has to have a bit of shallowness that I do not possess.  I truly care about other's well being, especially my wife's.  We are stuck.  I do not know how to proceed.  I will not divorce her (we have 4 kids and my faith).  I need to find excuses to get away from her.  I need to find ways to be around her less.  What a terrible thing to think much less write.  She's my wife!

Interestingly, I see the same pattern of immaturity in Son #1's girlfriend.  I see this pattern in my mother.  Is this the state of woman?  Or, did I pass this along to my son.  Things have been so contentious for so long that Son #2 has decided he is never getting married.

The struggle continues...

No Snip For You!

Sailor asked in the comments from my last post about why Sybil is against any form of permanent birth control.  I wanted to get my thoughts out there, and I felt that a comment would be too long.

First of all, Sybil eschews any time of surgery unless it is definitely required.  A few years ago she was having suspicious pap smears, so the gynecologist was pushing for a partial hysterectomy.  She spoke with her sister's husband (a health care provider in another state), worried and gnashed her teeth, and convinced her gynecologist to just do a LEEP procedure.  Ever since then, she goes every 6 months for a recheck.  This has been years ago.  In fairness to Sybil, it worked; she hasn't had a problem since.

The idea of me getting a vasectomy is not new.  I wanted one after the birth of our third child.  I DID NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, PERIOD.  Well...you see how that went.  Sybil used the same logic as now: why get something done if you don't need to.  It is unnatural.  Granted this is a want and not a need.  I think there are elements of control in the situation, but overall the problem is her belief in maintaining a whole body.

Since I believe that her body is mine and my body is hers as a married couple, I cannot go against her wishes.  Sadly, this puts us in a terrible bind.  I am just as adamant about her not taking the Pill.  I, firmly, believe the Pill did more to damage our marriage (from my point of view...like others with issues she doesn't really think she had a role to play).  If I am demanding her to not to take the Pill, how can I demand for a vasectomy?

Of course, I could "man up" and just "git 'er dun".  However, the long term ramifications to my marriage would be very, very bad.  Although I complain about my situation on this blog, I do believe in my marriage; I do believe that I should remain marriage; and I do believe that remaining married is the best for my family.  This will have to be one of those situations that I have to give in.

Or...maybe...I'm a puss.

Time for a New Post

Wow!  It has been a year since my last posting.  Things have been very busy with Sybil and me.  I am still working out my issues; I'm not sure I'll ever completely have them resolved.  I have come to some realizations though:

1. I am an introvert.  Most people will think I am the most outgoing, witty person in the room.  However, being around people tires me out.  Since I am around people all day, I really treasure my alone time.  Unfortunately, my alone time is from 5:45 am to 6:45 am M-F.  Not much there.  In the past, Sybil and the kids would go visit her parents in another state.  I enjoyed my alone time so much that I didn't miss them that much.
2. Sybil is an extrovert.  She gets her energy from being around people.  She cannot stand being alone.  I guess that is because she has never really been alone.  Being the youngest girl in a family with 7 kids, Sybil was always with someone.  This can create friction, because she cannot understand why I need my space.  I find myself hanging around her because it's just easier.
3. I have deep areas of resentment towards Sybil.  Over the years, I have chronicled our marriage here in this space.  Ironically, Sybil got off of the Pill last summer.  It was the best 6 weeks of our marriage.  She wasn't a bitch and the sex was great.  It was so great that we had a baby.  Number 4.  We are in our middle age.  Since we have 4 kids and are older, I repeatedly stated my desire for a vasectomy.  However, due to some sort of personality quirk (I think her need to control), Sybil has adamantly refused.  Now what?  I refuse to have her back on the Pill.  I believe it set motion events that led to some of my resentment issues.  She refuses to let either of us be permanently fixed.  We are back to using a condom.  She hates those, too.  Cognitive dissonance is her middle name.
4. Work is killing me.  With the baby, Sybil became less engaged at work and no longer comes to the office.  It is interesting to note that my blood pressure went way down.  It was borderline needing medication.  Now, it is normal.  I guess being around Sybil was, literally, killing.
5. Once upon a time, I had some readers of this blog.  My intention was not to have a large audience but to put in words my issues.  Now that I am not joined at the hip with Sybil, I expect my posting to increase.
6. Don't even get me start on finances.  Cognitive dissonance really shines with Sybil in this arena.  We will never be out of debt; she keeps wanting to spend money.  She justifies it with what she considers as a "need".  With the new kid, this has increased many times over.  Also, Sybil is at home unsupervised.  My goal is get us on a debt reduction budget.  Of all of the things we have fought over (the majority of which are trivial), this will be most major.

That is just a short list of things to grapple with.  Reflecting on things almost seems to make them worse.  Kind of like picking on a sore.  It just hurts without healing.  Depressing.  

Many times over I have come to the realization that this is my lot in life.  Nuke the marriage (permanently damaging the kids and going against my Christian beliefs) or try to polish a turd.  So far, the turd is very shiny.

Dearth of Posting

Not much new to report.  I thought I would check in, though.

Sybil almost nuked our marriage last month over some comments I made.  The comments were pretty bad.  I said things like...well...they were so bad that I can't remember them.  I remember thinking what is going on?  What kind of statement is so bad that one would threaten divorce?  I didn't say that I didn't love her, or I don't find her attractive, or her gaining 25 lbs. of weight is off putting.  It was pretty bad, though, because she told me it was.  It was so bad it made Sybil want to end a nearly 20 year marriage. They were that bad.  Too bad I can't remember them.

Throughout the ordeal I was not going to move out of the house.  I told her that she is welcome to move out any time.  Any divorce is strictly her decision.  I do not believe in divorce, unless adultery is involved.

We didn't get divorced.  I don't think because she started to see her lack of logic or she really loves me.  Nope.  It is purely mercenary: she would be broke and lost without me.  All of her income comes from me and, more importantly, her vocation.  Although she has a college degree, she has never had a real job outside of a family business.  Looking for a job in this economy for a 40 year old woman with no past experience would be daunting to say the least.  It would entail asking customers, if they want fries with that.  That killed whatever bug caused her to vehemently state that she wanted a divorce for my horrible comments, that I can't remember.

I Like to Abuse Myself

Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault.  If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.

On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid."  She was referring to me.  When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do.  Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete.  Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."

Today, things are at a standstill.  I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary.  Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did.  If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that.  Basically, it is all of my fault.

Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical?  No.  Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane.  However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.

It doesn't matter, really.  What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants.  While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic.  No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.

I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that.  That will be in less that 5 years.

Seriously?

This article published in New Zealand gives the briefest of glimpses into modern marriage.  It barely scratches the surface of what modern husbands have to look forward to.  However small, this article is a step into the right direction.  Sadly, few men will admit to the veracity of the article and fewer women want to admit to the possibility of this reality existing (see my last post about solipsism).

Is it any wonder that the birthrate of the Western world is dropping?  Seriously, this really isn't news.

Hat tip to Will S. at Patriactionary.

I Was Wrong...

I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Sometimes it takes a long time for something to sink into my consciousness.  I seem to hold fast to my ideals in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary.  After reading this post (and the second definition), I see that I was wrong to think that Sybil is narcissistic.  I thought that because she was incapable of empathy towards others, especially those closest to her, that she must be a narcissus.  I struggled with definitions of her personality and with trying to find out what is wrong with her.  The answer was staring me in the face.  She is like all of the other women that I have known: she is immersed in solipsism.  

Narcissism deals with loving oneself more than anyone else.  There is no room for anyone else.  While this does kind of define Sybil, it is incomplete.  I do not think she has total self love.  Instead, I think there is an underlying loathing because she cannot handle imperfection.  Since all are imperfect, she cannot totally love herself.  No, she is engaged in solipsism.  The reason she has no empathy towards others is because she cannot fathom anything outside of herself.  Every thought, every conversation, every gesture, every nuanced bit of body language is seen through a lens of how it affects her.  Like tumblers in a lock, it clicked.  No wonder she gets so angry over the wrong facial expression, the wrong comment, the wrong gesture.  Sybil default setting is to believe everything is directed towards herself.  

The reason I say I'm not the brightest bulb is because I have been seeing this pattern of behavior my whole life.  I just was so into the "now" that I did not stop and think about what I was experiencing.  All of the women that I am closest to are completely enmeshed in solipsism.  My mother laying on the couch complaining about her life while dad worked 50 hours a week.  Girlfriends that played with my feelings.  Sybil...well we know about Sybil.  Sadly, it has taken 43 years for me to wake up.  I will not say that all women are this way.  I can only say that all of the women I have experience with are this way.  To say that women are better than men in empathy, in compromise, in a general live-and-let-live attitude has not been my experience.

The curtain has been rudely pulled back.  The wizard is just a sad, little man.

Why I Blog

I wish things were improving with Sybil and me.  Unfortunately, they are not.  Why am I still with her?  Like everything else in life...it's complicated.  

First of all, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Looking back, I see a pattern of behavior that was there from the beginning of our marriage.  Sybil is narcissistic.  Only her feelings matter.  In the last post I wrote about the camping thing.  As it turns out, Sybil only "felt" that I had ruined the kids on camping.  She never actually asked them.  Since how she feels about something trumps everyone else's, she feels totally justified in LYING about it.  When confronted, she will say that I provoked her (made an ugly face, talked to her with sarcasm, whatever).  I have endured 19 years of this because I thought that was what I supposed to do.  I thought that two adults come together and try to iron out their differences.  If unable, then they just work on accepting the other person for who they are.  I know, I know...I'm pretty dumb.  Sadly, we all see the world through our own prism.  It's hard to really see the world for what it is.

Secondly, we have kids.  I strongly believe that becoming a parent means you have to set aside one's unhappiness to take care of one's kids.  The role of parents is to raise the kids.  That doesn't mean in separate houses.  However, I don't think I would have gone through all of this if we didn't have kids.

Thirdly, I am a Christian.  I take it to heart that God hates divorce.  The only reason for divorce is adultery.  Not because I am unhappy.

The reason I started this blog was to cope with being married to Sybil (Sybil may have a different take on things.  She can start her own blog).  It seemed that I was losing my mind.  I could not believe a rational adult could behave this way.  Of course, that assumes she is rational.  So, at first I started this blog as a catharsis.  Now the blog has become an actual log.  I am logging my situation, if divorce comes up.  This blog is a means to protect myself as I am able.  Although I will not file for divorce because of the reasons I have listed (being dumb is probably primary), I would not put it past Sybil.  It all depends on her FEELINGS.  That is the metric I am measured.  Since her feelings are always in a state of flux, I will always be short.

I appreciate those that still read my blog.  I appreciate even more those that comment.  I know what my choices are.  I have always known.

Stalemate

What to do when a couple is at a stalemate?  That is where Sybil and I are now.  Neither wants to budge about the latest explosion.  Frankly, I'm too tired of the whole drama queen act.  The toll it has taken on me emotionally has reached its limit.

How did this come to pass?  Like everything else it is my fault (at least in Sybil's eyes).  On Sunday we finished moving Son #1 into his dorm room.  It was getting late, he had stuff to do, and we have to be at our office early the next day.  We stopped at a fast food place for a quick bite before the drive home.  We had a pleasant time.  Chit-Chatting about stuff: first kid in college and all of the stuff that goes along with that.  Sybil complimented me on my being laid back about having to drive to the college, again, to finish with the room set-up.  I say "again" because we were there on Saturday.  Sybil did not like how the room was arranged, so we drove back there on Sunday.  No biggee to me.  Anyway, we gas up the car and get on the interstate to go home.  It's getting late, and I am driving above the speed limit.  I was doing around 80 mph (speed limit is 70).  This was the same speed I used to drive to our destination earlier, and I was driving the same speed back home.  No biggee.  Or I thought.  As we get closer to the medium sized city that close to our town, I have to slow down because of being cut off by another car.  I move around the car and put my cruise control back on.  Since we had slowed considerably, the car shifted to a lower gear causing the engine to rev at a higher RPM.  After passing the offending car, I moved back to our lane (here the speed limit was 65).  Sybil heard the engine noise and said that I am driving to fast and asked me to slow down.  I did not say anything, but I did make a face.  She asked me what the face was about, and I told her that it was for her nagging commentS.  Oooh, it's on.

First of all, Sybil becomes angry at me for saying commentS.  She only made one commenT.  Secondly, I was rude for making a face about her commenT.  She has a right to express herself and make a commenT about something that may affect her (driving too fast leading to death and/or dismemberment).  I tell her it's no biggee.  Wrong.  It is a biggee for someone with all of those speeding tickets.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  I ask her how many speeding tickets have I gotten in the last 10 years?  She says 4 or 5.  I inform her that I got ONE speeding ticket.  I ask her how many has she gotten?  She says it doesn't matter.  I push the issue.  We agree that she had ONE, also.  It still means that I was rude for making a face and stating that she made nagging commentS.  Fine.  I apologize, if I was rude and for saying commentS instead of commenT (she did only make one comment).  She rejects my apology.

We continue along this vein for awhile.  Then Sybil drops the bombshell: I not know how to compromise.  Actually, my lack of being able to compromise has led to the kids hating to go camping.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  There is a back story that is too long to get into.  Suffice it to say that I wanted to go camping this Labor Day weekend but cancelled it due to campground conditions.  It was difficult for me.  I struggled with it, but I DID MAKE THE CALL.  Anyway, WTF is going on?  She brought our kids into our argument.  Also, she totally contradicted herself.  It was just about two hours earlier when she was complimenting me on being so understanding and, oh I don't know, compromising.  I point out her cognitive dissonance.  Big mistake I know.  I couldn't help it.  She informs me that was to make me feel better but she didn't really mean it.  My last words on the subject was "I can't argue with that logic" and I left the room.

We haven't really spoken since.  Sybil's narcissism and inability to be a fully mature adult is astounding.    My mistake is thinking I am dealing with a rational, fair-minded individual.  It is my fault for not remembering who I am dealing with.  I will never get a rational, fair-minded response from Sybil when it has anything to do with me.