Adam Smith Would be Proud

Digger posted his thoughts about supply and demand and how it relates to sex. I think it succinctly describes what happens to a lot of guys. In a word: if a guy wants regular, exciting sex, don't get married. Although Sybil doesn't have libido issues, she's pretty boring in bed. Whereas, she used to be a hot, little vixen, now, she wants me to do all of the work, yet respect her boundaries. How fun. In my case, the supply is there, but it is of lower quality. I'm paying more now for sex than I ever had. It's shoddy workmanship. Made in China (that's funny: Sybil is Chinese).

I try to look at the bright side of things. After all, that's all I can do. My sex life isn't as bad as Digger's: non-existent. Although there too many boundaries, my sex life doesn't have to be scheduled like FTN's. In my case what used to be a Ritz cracker is now just a plain ol' saltine. I've tried the spicing things up. I've asked Sybil about her fantasies. She doesn't have any. So she says. I've tried taking the initiative to only be rebuffed. But, I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook. No matter how bad things are for a person, there's always someone else that has it worse. Besides, what else would I blog about?

With everything Sybil and I have been through, I have, generally, lost a lot of interest in sex. I don't know if it's living with her, work, kids, or what. It may be my deep seeded resentment of her for the emotional roller coaster ride. For example, last night I was feeling a little amorous. As we were getting into bed, there was an issue with one of my pillow cases. I had not put it on to Sybil's specifications. She jerked it away, adjusted the pillow case, placed it back, and admonished me for accepting less than perfect. It's a PILLOW CASE. The damned thing will be maladjusted by me sleeping on it. Anyway, there went those desires right out the window.

Interesting

This article might be useful for a beginning of the understanding of what happens to men and women in a committed relationship. The authors ponder that it is some evolutionary thing. Basically, men's sex drive remains the same. However, women's sex drive diminishes after making a "pair bond." Sounds like entrapment. A bait-and-switch. A bill of goods. I know that may sound misogynistic. Deep down, it probably is. Maybe women have a harder time letting go of past slights. They think too much. This doesn't make them more complex. It makes them neurotic. I may catch hell for writing those things, but there it is. Right now, with the place I'm in, it sums it up nicely. I might even add that women's libidos aren't the only thing that's higher in the beginning, but also they have a better personality and treat their significant other better.

Ok, flame away Gridley.

BTW, speaking of thinking too much, I'm still noodling the comments from the last post, especially Christian Husband's about declaring peace.

Sex, Sex, Sex

Thank you to all that commented on my last post.

FTN wondered why I was bringing up this subject, when Sybil and I seem to argue about everything else but sex. That is a good question. Actually, she and I argue quite a bit about sex. I like to give oral sex; she doesn't; I feel like I'm more adventuresome; she isn't; I like to make sure she has at least one (preferably more) orgasm; she doesn't (one of our recent fights that I chose not to post about). Granted, we don't have the same issues as some (sorry, Digger), but we still have some.

Sybil likes to play this game:

Yesterday, I arose to get ready for church, make sure the boys were ready, and to make sure Daughter got her 8:00am dose of antibiotics. As I'm leaving to go to church, Sybil (still in bed) says, "why didn't you start something?"

What am I supposed to say? I don't enjoy necrophilia? Let me get this straight: I'm not only supposed to do all of the above, but also wake you up and "get it on?" Maybe I'm not in the mood. Maybe your morning breathe could stop a raging rhino? Maybe I've TOO much to do? Probably it's because I've heard about not trying things unless your in the mood? See the post about mood rings.

Are we doomed to be with those that have differing libidos?
Yes. We don't marry ourselves, so it only stands to reason that our partner would be different. Does that mean our partner shouldn't be a little more accommodating? I guess that depends upon who one asks. It is possible that my raging libido has been turned down a few notches due to work, kids, Sybil, etc. Although Sybil may instigate it more, that's because I've kind of given up trying to figure out when is a good time. After taking so many figurative body blows, there a lot of times I just want to be alone. In our marriage, Sybil probably has a higher libido but too many...um...boundaries.

Why does this happen?
In the beginning there was sex, and it was good. Everyone is carefree. Everyone is adventuresome. Throw kids, mortgage, career, living with the same person for 13 (THIRTEEN!) years into the mix, and sex gets shorted. I love chocolate cake, but I can't eat it for every meal. In my case, living with Sybil is kind of like cleaning the Augean Stables (she might say the same about me, but this MY blog). All of this can take its toll.


What are we to do about it?
The choices are endless (not really but I wanted to write that).
We can:

1. Divorce- risk screwing up kids. Poverty. Since kids are involved, we are still connected. Also, seems to be kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water.
2. Endeavor to persevere-that is what most of us do. We try to live out our lives day by day in the best way possible. We try to inject small joys to break up the maddening monotony.
   
3. Try to find distractions- we play computer games, blog, go to bonko every first Tuesday no matter what the family's schedule. See #2.
4. Affairs- it seems such an innocent little thing. See #1.
5. Talk it out- easier said than done. Where does one stop wanting to respect the other person and start wanting their needs met? Where does that fine line come from? Shouldn't there be some sort of sign to tell their spouse that it's time to make love versus time to screw like wild, midget monkeys? See mood ring post.

In the end there are no easy answers. Like the gracious people that commented, I, too, am stumbling through life trying to figure this relationship thing out. My hope is that I can pass on the wisdom I have gleaned through the school of hard knocks to my children. I hope they can learn from it.

Quickie

Question: are we doomed to be married to people with differing libidos?

Question: why does this happen?

Question: what are we to do about it?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I'll post about why I'm asking these questions later.

I Ain't Got Time To Bleed

That's how I feel. Work is becoming all consuming. Sybil and I are the usual. Daughter had her tonsils out yesterday. Life keeps rolling along. I'll post when I can and comment when I can.

Sorry.

Manifesto

I'd thought I'd take a break from Sybil bashing for awhile. It seems to be getting old. Reading my posts makes me think it's same stuff different day. Since things are going pretty good with her right now, I thought I might bore you with why I blog. After over one hundred posts, it's about time, right?

All marriages have problems. I do believe that a marriage without conflict is in trouble. However, I hate conflict. I hate the emotions that run through me and the person talking to me. The feeling of letting my emotions get the better of me is a feeling of helplessness. Yet, an argument, no matter what size, is wrapped in emotion. This blog is a way for me to noodle out my emotional responses.

Some have wondered why I stay with Sybil. There are times I wonder the same thing (see the last post). Marriage, to me, is not disposable. For all of her faults, Sybil is committed to this marriage. There may be times that she will not show it. There may be times that she may seem to sabotage it. However, that is one thing we have in common is our commitment to this marriage.

Before I married Sybil, I had many friends that I hung out with. Since Sybil and I got married and then six months later we had a child (do the math), I have had little time to maintain the friendships I had nor to make new ones. With my work schedule and kids' schedules, making friends just takes too much energy. Posting about my frustrations is similar to talking with a best friend and venting. It is sad, in a way, that I have to rely on a nameless, faceless internet, but that is something. Where would I be without it? Alone? Cut off? Blogging maintains a connection. I am always amazed that anyone comments, and new people are always dropping by. Thank you, friends.

Reading some of my posts, one might get the idea that Sybil is some succubus from the ninth level of hell. Sometimes she is. However, she has many admirable traits. She is kind, empathetic, selfless (in some ways but maybe not as much as she believes), and loves helping people. This blog is a microcosm of who she is. I doubt anyone could remain married to a woman that I have painted her out to be. This blog is a means of grappling with the emotions of marital conflict.

Some have commented and questioned why I stay with Sybil. That is not an easy answer. First of all, what would I gain by leaving her? Independence? Doubtful. I still have to work. I would still have three kids to care for. Independence is an illusion. Happiness? Maybe. I've wondered about that, especially during one of our arguments. Would I be happier away from her? I'm not sure. Happiness is fleeting. I'm not sure the potential emotional damage to my children is worth my happiness. That's not something I'm willing to risk. Do I love her? In the end that is what it boils down to. I understand, a little, why someone stays with an abuser. Although I'm not saying Sybil is abusive, there are times I' ve wondered about it. Unfortunately, I cannot look at her without my breath catching in my throat. After 13 years, I still look upon her in amazement. That feeling is more than just simple lust. That feeling has more length and breadth than any stirring of the loins. That is the real reason. I think it would take something catastrophic (like her having an affair) to push me to leaving her.

Well, this post seems to be rambling. I'm still going to write about my frustrations and anger with Sybil. In the future, I want to try to focus on the positive aspects too.

Changes in Latitudes, No Changes in Attitudes

I apologize for my lack of posting. Sybil is working in my office, and it makes it hard to get privacy on a computer. Since I mainly blog about her, I don't think it wise for her to be around when doing it. When the kids get into school, that should ease up a bit. Unfortunately, we had to do it, because of staffing issues.

Survived the weekend. We drove to another time zone to see Lil' Bro get married, again. Since he left his wife last year, it has been a major bone of contention for Sybil. She has a poor view of him, since he not only left his wife but also risked screwing up their 3 year old in the process. As for me, I don't blame him. Although I would have rather they stayed married and try to work things out for the sake of their child, his Ex is a controlling shrew.

Anyway, for the whole weekend I got to hear Sybil's rant about how he'll screw up again. It's a little old. Naturally, we got into a major fight. I admit to starting it. We argued about stirring straws. Yep, STIRRING STRAWS. I said sticks; Sybil said straws. Since they were hollow, they were straws. I just couldn't help myself. Sybil makes the comment about wanting to go home. I apologize for being a jerk and starting an argument. I mean it was over a little thing. Right? Nope.

On the way to my parent's house after the wedding, I asked if she still wanted to go home. Sybil said, "I can't go home." That doesn't seem like an answer to me. My question could have been answered by a simple yes or no. Another fight ensued. Even bigger than the friggin' straws. After things calmed down, we talked a bit, and I thought the storm had passed.

The next morning I wake up. Sybil wakes up. I start goofing around, and she is distant with her back to me. Sensing that something is amiss, I ask her what is wrong. "Nothing," she says. I know it's B.S., but I ask again. Again, nothing. O.k. it's nothing. I go about my day getting ready to go.

On the way home, we're stuck in the car for nearly 7 hours. Together. Alone. By ourselves. This morning comes up. Sybil is still mad about me getting mad about her "I can't go home" statement. If really cared, I would have known what was wrong. I should have known what was wrong. In my defense, I explained that I asked what was wrong; she spooned me last night (she says to keep from falling off of the bed); and didn't act distant or anything at the end of the day. Not enough. Ugly words were thrown around. Since I had nothing else to say, Sybil indicated that maybe it was time to call the lawyers. I indicated that maybe she was right. Silence ensued. Golden silence. A weight was lifting off of my shoulders. Aww, sweet independence.

Then I pictured having to tell Daughter. I caved. There was no way I could bring myself to do it. I would rather go through Hell itself than disappoint Daughter. So for the next four hours we talked and talked. Things are back to normal, which is to say screwed up. Nothing was accomplished. I still love Sybil, damnit. Despite it all. It ain't easy to do, though.

In Summing Up...

Things are improving. Time heals all wounds, right? I heard this song this morning and I thought it was apropos.

RELIENT K LYRICS

"Mood Rings"

we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize

and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...

she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"

cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)

we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair

mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind

[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible

Bruised

Well, it seems I was right to be worried. When we last left Aphron and Sybil, Sybil had just abruptly ended an arguement. Something totally out of character for her. For her arguements are similar to what occurred in Mogadishu with me being the Rangers trying to get out of it. Anyway, Sybil stopped wearing her ring immediately afterwards. Since we were painting Son#2's room, I thought she took it off as not to get paint on it. Wrong. She stopped wearing it because of me.

It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?

Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.

I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.

Sybil, Is That You?...Redux

After the last post that went into the leftfield with questions about why I stay with Sybil, I had intended to write a nice post about Sybil. After glancing through my archives, it seems that I have painted a pretty negative picture of her. So, I wanted to give a more rounded description of Sybil. I hoped that my new readers (God bless 'em) would see that she has some wonderful qualities. I mean what kind of fool stays with a woman that is such a shrew? Me.

Screw it. I can't post anything positive about her right now. Not after yesterday's little spat, which I did not precipitate. We're laying in bed watching Wedding Crashers (campy yet stupid in a fun way). The TV turned itself off (on a timer). I, playfully, fumbled with the remote trying to turn it on. Until this moment Sybil and I were sharing a moment. That disappeared. She moved to the foot of the bed and stayed out of touch. Sensing a playful moment, I tried to stretch out my toes to touch, etc. One thing led to another, and I'm on her playfully nuzzling her ear. Sybil tells me to "get off of her." No smile or anything. Fine. I get off. A few moments later, Sybil says, "you're such a jerk." Ok, fine, whatever. I say some disposable comment. Something to the effect whatever your loss. She says something to the effect of "you don't even know what I'm talking about." I leave to make coffee. As I'm making the coffee, I'm replaying the conversation. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I'm getting abused. Now the question becomes, do I confront her or leave sleeping dogs lie? I confront. Long story short (too late) she blows me off. She even laughed at me at first. She said she was joking. I explained that I'm no longer irritated but I'm pissed off. No apology or anything.

This is the same woman that turned an innocent remark into an hour screaming match, yet I have NEVER called her any name except Sybil (really). I have never laughed at her when she approached me with hurt feelings, which happens quite a lot. I find this whole episode to be quite demeaning. Although I may have a hard time expressing my feelings, do not make it harder by belittling them. I can handle name calling in the heat of the moment. Although I do not remember calling her any derogatory names, being called "asshole" is meaningless to me. Yep, I can be one. However, this case goes beyond the pale.

I apologize fellow bloggers. I had really hoped to paint a more positive picture of Sybil. Right now I cannot. Why do I stay? That is a good question. Off of the top of my head these are the reasons:

1. The children. I have three of them. They mean everything to me. I would rather suffer than potentially lose them through divorce.
2. Promises. I made a promise to Sybil, myself, and the state I live in to stay married. Since it was a civil ceremony, does that count as a promise to God? Probably. Doesn't matter. I try to do the honorable thing. Leaving a wife and children, to me, is dishonorable.
3. Financial ruin. I am lucky enough to earn enough money to support us fairly comfortably. We want for little. In a divorce situation, that would change. Too many stories of men being financially ruined in a divorce scare the heeby-jeebies out of me.
   
4. Fear of failure. I have a strong fear of failing. To me divorce would mean failing. The marriage would have failed.
   
5. Deep down, deep, deep down I still love Sybil. I know that, for all of her flaws, she was given to me for a reason. Bad kharma, maybe? Anyway, she has made some positive changes in me not just bitterness.

I'm sure this will pass. I know this latest episode is a trifle. It is the principle of the thing, though. I hope to post a more favorable account of Sybil in the future. Stay tuned.


**UPDATE** Sybil and I had a long conversation last night about what happened Sunday. Instead of apologizing for demeaning my feelings, she took the time to outline how much of a jerk I really am. Some of the stuff I've blogged about (what happened in Vegas was brought up, mainly). Other stuff I haven't. She had some points that were legitamite. The problem is she warmed up past arguements to defend her position that I'm a jerk. She asked me did I love her and if so what did I do to show it besides going to work everday? I listed: dealing with kids every morning so she could sleep in, not critizing her for her failure of housekeeping duties, helping her on her various projects at church (she has a whole committee, yet I get to help), etc. The fight ended abruptly with her apologizing for calling me a jerk (not for demeaning my feelings) and apologizing for starting the fight. This was totally out of character. Now I'm really worried.

Tagged...I think

A Passionate Man tagged me with 5 celebs I want to have sex with. I think. His post says "Apron." I don't see anybody else on his blog roll with a name close to it, except mine. So anyway...

This is actually a hard post. I have such a dim view of celebs. Number 1 used to Cameron Diaz until I read this piece. Man, am I that picky? If I were 18 again, I'd have no problem. At the ripe, old age of 37, I am more discerning. I've realized that at some point conversation will come up. The person's conversation could affect my mood, which could affect my libido. Damn.

Five celebs I want to have sex with (in no particular order):


I can't think of any. They aren't real people. They are imaginary. In high school I was in the drama department. They were weird, self-absorbed, melodramatic, bitches. And those were just the guys. I can only imagine what the women were like.

It's better to worship from afar.

My First HNT!

Don't laugh. It took a lot of courage to share this candid moment with you, my readers. I hope you enjoy. Be gentle in the comments. To add to the surprise, you gotta scroll down to view it.














































Well, what do you think? I think I captured my good side. With Sybil gone for a couple more days, I might play with that digital camera some more.

Bachin' It

Well, Sybil is at her parents' house for her annual visit. I haven't seen her since I got back from Vegas. Naturally, I have to talk to her several times a day. Still it has been pretty relaxing. Last night I enjoyed sitting outside, blogging wirelessly, drinking a beer and enjoying a good stogie. Life doesn't get any better. Sadly, I'm pretty boring after work. I'm usually too tired and want to go home and unwind. So if anyone wants to drop by Casa de Aphron, just let me know. I'll keep a light on for ya.

Viva Las Vegas

Well, Sybil and I survived the week together. From Friday to Wednesday was spent at her parent's house in Dallas, and Wednesday until today (Saturday) was spent in Las Vegas. It was a very interesting visit.

I learned a few things:

1. When Sybil wants her flight itinerary changed, it nearly takes an act of Congress. If I don't do it to her specifications or in the fashion she would, then hell will break loose. Although I knew a flight she needed was available, I should check with her first to make sure it meets with her approval before changing anything. Of course, it would be easier if she handled it HER flight herself. That way it will be done as she wants it.
2. When Sybil says her new shoes are comfortable, she is a liar. I knew they weren't. I asked several times. Each time I was met with her telling me how comfortable they are. Naturally, walking the strip in new, high heels makes for a short walk. I guess it's better to look good than be comfortable.
3. The purpose of going to Las Vegas is to go shopping. Looking at the archetecture of the buildings and possibly gambling is a distant second. It's all about the stores.
4. Getting a large room with a walk-in shower and a jacuzzi does not mean they are to be used as anything other that getting clean. I mean the shower didn't have a seat. The jacuzzi is there for looks.
5. Nibbling on Sybil's neck after her shower but before I brush my teeth is a no-no. I will leave a residue that others can smell.
6. Finally, Las Vegas is a city of vice. No two ways about it. A weak individual could get into a lot of trouble.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back home. I think Vegas is a cool city. Although gambling, drinking, and sex is in one's face nearly the whole time, there is other stuff to do. We saw KA, which was a great show and "eye candy."

Gone Fishin'

Not really.

I'm going to be out of town all next week. Traveling with Sybil. I'm sure there won't be a dull moment. I may be able to bore you with details when I get back next weekend.

Also will be going to Las Vegas for a conference. That will be very interesting for this small town Southern Boy.

Have a Great Week!

Update
I'm sitting at the airport, drinking a cold Heine and watching Georgia tech try to mount a comeback against Clemson. The only down side is the $6.00 I paid to T-Mobile to connect to their Wi-Fi hotspot. But with an hour to kill and nothing to read, I'll manage...somehow.

Random Mutterings

Well, Sybil and I survived this weekend without killing each other. Our anniversary was Saturday. Thirteen years of marital...er...excitement. We spent the majority of it apart. Son#1 had a baseball tournament while daughter and son#2 has a swim meet. The meet was in another city an hour and a half away. I was chosen to go to the swim meet. Although I made it clear that I would rather go to the baseball tournament, Sybil made it clear I was going to the meet. Since I have a much better sense of direction and don't mind driving, it made logical choice. Naturally, Sybil made the mistake of asking which I would rather do. I made the mistake of answering truthfully. Fireworks ensued, and I went to the meet. I rather enjoyed myself. Driving by myself (the two kids had gone ahead with a friend since I had to work) was cathartic. I got to listen to my music and generally enjoyed myself. The kids came in third in their age group, so it worked out well. Sadly, I missed Son#1's game. Apparently, he played very well. C'est la vie. Saturday ended on a high note with a visit to our best friend's house. They live about an hour away, so by the time we came home Saturday night I was exhausted.

This morning was interesting. Sybil awoke mad at me for dreaming that I had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend. I haven't spoken with this person in thirteen years. The last time I spoke with her was when she called me out of the blue. I had just gotten married and Son #1 had just been born. Due to the circumstances of us getting married (shotgun wedding, so to speak), I did not want to speak to the woman. I, basically, just had a monosyllable conversation. Unfortunately, I did not tell her that I was married and had a kid. That has come back to bite me on more than one occasion. Sybil's already deep seeded insecurity has solidified.

We all have insecurities. It is how we deal with our insecurity that tells the story. When insecurities raise their ugly specter, the aftermath is difficult to deal with. In Sybil's case the episode happened over a decade ago, yet she is still grappling with it. Do I do things to instill that insecurity? I guess so. I'm not sure what it would be. Maybe she is an insecure person. No matter what I do, she will remain so. Despite my best efforts of reassurance, she remains to this day convinced that I would run off with said girlfriend, if given a chance. Nope. Could it be that deep down inside she understands that she does things to make me unhappy? Instead of dealing with that, it is easier to lash out. I don't have the answers just mutterings.

I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore

I was going to write about Digger's article on outward appearances. I even started a post but deleted it. We all have pain from somewhere in our lives. We may not blog about it, but it is there. Life can be painful, sometimes.

Nope. I'm going write about how angry I am at myself. I have somehow allowed Sybil to run nearly all aspects of my life. Where do I draw the line? This realization had been forming for quite sometime but became crystallized during lunch. Sybil, the SAHM that doesn't, was working at church getting ready for vacation bible school. I got out of the office late, so my lunch time was shortened. I call her to see what's the deal with lunch (we eat together nearly everyday). She asks me to bring her something, and, oh by the way, bring something for a friend. My irritation kicked in and was followed by anger. I begged off saying I don't have time. I'll go home for lunch. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I relented. Naturally, she had no clue what she wanted. Anger building.

Finally, I bring food to her at the church. I arrive unable to find her. I call her cellphone. No answer. I see her stuff lying there, so I know she is there. By this time I had about 15 minutes to eat. Now the dilemma: should I waste more time looking for her or should I just say screw it and eat? I said screw it and ate. Just as I'm finishing, she appears all smiling and happy.

Do I have an anger management problem, or do I have a spouse that doesn't give a _ _ _ _ about anything except how to escape from her dull existence at home? My schedule is not my own. I do not get to choose to help out at church, cook lunch, go grocery shopping, clean the house, go to the spa, or any of that. I get to go work and be a drone. I really don't mind her helping at church. Really, I don't. What I care about is her lack of sensitivity that I have an allotted amount of time. If she really wants to eat lunch with me, it is much easier to bend her schedule around mine.

If I choose to go home (I have done so in the past), I can choose from the yummy and delectable choices of peanut butter and cracker (no bread), Ramen noodles (I ate that in college. I did not work this hard to go back to Ramen), popcorn, or just drink a lot of water. As you can see, I get to waste a quarter of my lunch hour getting food to eat.

I understand being a SAHM can be drudgery but so is going to work. I'm not trying to keep her in the kitchen. All I'm asking is for the house stuff to be done first and concentrate on outside stuff next. Sadly, it's times like these that makes me wonder what is going to happen to us when the kids leave home.

Youth Sports

Taking a break from "Sybil bashing" for now. I'm posting about youth sports. As you know I have 3 kids. I am in constant awe of them and their abilities. Although I don't write much about them,since this blog was intended to explore the dynamic between Sybil and me. Anyway, my two boys play various sports. My daughter plays a couple too, which is a surprise because she was very much a "girlie-girl" when she was small.

Son #1's Little League baseball team has had a terrible season. Currently, they are 3 and 12. Pretty dismal. He hasn't played much this whole season. It is very disheartening to be one of the oldest on the team, yet play the nearly the least. The previous year, on a different team, he played the whole game, could be counted on to get on base, and improved his fielding. Fast forward to this year, the decreased playing time told him that he wasn't good enough, so in a game he tried harder and put more stress on himself. The result was striking out at the one time at bat and playing 3 or less innings (usually less). Son#1's self-confidence was shot. As the season progressed, it became painfully obvious that he was outside looking in of a clique. The coach and about six of the players knew each other previously. Despite mounting errors and bad plays, he kept them in their positions throughout the season.

Then last week it happened. Son#1's team lost by the "mercy rule." For those that don't know, it says that a ten run difference ends the game. His team got beat 13 to 3. Embarrassing. Who made the most errors? The coach's son at first base. Usually a first baseman can catch. Not on this team. He missed a toss from three feet. After the game, Son#1 walked up to the coach and asked for more playing time. Coach said that he told everyone at the beginning of the season that some wouldn't play as much as others. The ones he thought could do the job would play the most. Sybil and he started to argue. She brought up the valid point that, if you're losing nearly all of your games, why not try players in different positions? Coach said that he wouldn't change anything. Sybil yelled for me saying that Coach said that Son#1 wouldn't get anymore playing time and that he wasn't "good enough." Coach said she was putting words in his mouth. I, in the nicest way possible, said,"Coach, in the first scrimmage he played flawlessly, but in the games Son#1 was passed over." Coach said he was done and stomped off.

Flash forward to Thursday night. Although we won by forfeit because the other team had too few players, we won on the scoreboard too. Son#1 started and stayed at third base. He was on fire. He went 2 for 2 with a bunt (It was a thing of beauty. The ball stopped right in front of home plate, beat the throw and made it to first) and a triple. His defense was good too. For a kid that wasn't "good enough" Son#1 had a stellar night. Coach gave him the game ball.

Afterwards, I talked to Coach. I thanked him for giving Son#1 a second chance. He stated that is wasn't because of the conversation we had, but Son#1 had worked hard in the last practice. Whatever. The season is shot because of the Coach's desire to play certain kids. The parents outside of the clique are fed up. At least the season will end on a high note.

Before I had kids, I told myself I wouldn't get worked up about the sports my children play. I would not be that guy yelling at his kids to do better. Although I am not belligerent, I have a lot of excitement watching my kids play sports. They are far better athletes than I was. Son#1 can actually hit a baseball, Daughter can swim 100 yard freestyle and gets faster towards the end, and Son#2 is like a Hoover vacuum cleaner on the baseball field. Before my sons played baseball, I was pretty ambivalent towards it. Daughter played one year of softball and was decent. I wish she would've stuck with it. It has been a tremendous amount of fun, excitement, and even pride to watch my children play ball. I hope all parents get that opportunity.

Happy 100th Post!

100 posts! Ya'll like the look? It seems a little happier, brighter. Definitely easier to read. Wow, 100 posts about the ups and downs of my marriage. I even have people that read about it. That is truly amazing.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Survived the weekend with Sybil. We went camping in Big South Fork. I love going there. Even during a busy Memorial day weekend.

First the good stuff. I bought a cast iron skillet and a cast iron dutch oven just for this trip. Cooking bacon, sausage and eggs on the skillet was easy. I didn't have to worry about tearing up the surface. For the first time I was able to make biscuits for breakfast thanks to the dutch oven. Had a lot of fun trail bike riding to some gorgeous overlooks. Made peach cobbler for desert Sunday night (in the dutch oven, of course) and the kids made S'mores. Although it was hot, we had a great time.

Now the bad stuff (some of which is embarrassing). Friday I took the afternoon off, since the kids were out that afternoon from school. I came home, and Sybil was all over me, physically. She was "ready to go." I'm thinking, "All right!" We move to the bedroom and do our thing. It involved oral (giving and receiving, which I love to give and receive) and was truly mind blowing. Later that day I let slip that I had gone to the bathroom several hours before our activities. Number 2. Now, I try to be as hygienic as anyone else. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to tell Sybil. Anyway, she is pissed that I let her do that knowing what I had done earlier. I apologized profusely and explained that I was too consumed to remember. Not good enough. Apparently I'm not only selfish but my parents weren't married. Fast forward to yesterday. This cast a pall over the whole weekend. Everything that happened was colored by it. We had a blow-up while trying to pack up and motivate our kids to help. Everything goes back to Friday afternoon. So I'm now back in the wilderness.

Sybil uses all of this bring up an interesting point that I try to push her away. Maybe. More on that as I grapple with that. She may have a point there. I do tend to be guarded. I am not one to let anyone come too close.

Anyway, that's it. I hope ya'll had a great weekend.

Don't Try to Adjust Your Set. We Control the Horizontal and the Vertial.

Ahhh, Saturday morning. At work. Missing Son#2's baseball game. This sucks. At least the sun is out and drying off the world from the interesting thunderstorms we had.

Things are looking up for Sybil and me. This whole month we haven't had any major arguements. Her period started yesterday, yet she has not lived up to her name. Oh sure, we had some minor things, but none like we've had in the past. Overall, this has been a decent month.

So now I'm living in fear. When is that shoe gonna drop? When will Sybil's face peal back and reveal the monster lurking under the surface? Is this what happens to people in abusive relationships? I would not have thought of myself to be in that class, but these thoughts have been in the back of my mind. I find myself sitting here wondering WTF?

What is going on? She hasn't changed her BCPs. I think it might have to do with the fact that we haven't seen much of each other this month. Too busy. My little, cute (to me) mannerisms that irritate the crap out of her...aren't. What's the deal? We've even been having fairly regular, decent sex. Is this the invasion of the pod people? Who took my wife? What's that up ahead? A sign post.

I should just enjoy the ride. Like everything else in life, it won't last.