We last left our intrepid husband wondering "What the hell?" Sybil had become someone else. Was this to remain or was this to change back? Which personality would he get? Would she continue in this vein of trying to be more loving and patient, or would her anger get the best of her? What brought all of this on?
Well, from that last post I can say she has worked on improving. Sybil has worked to being more affectionate and less angry. We still have arguments. We had a doozy last night over how to fold undershirts and making sure the correct boy's underwear goes to the correct boy. It lasted a long time. What sets this argument apart from previous ones is the aftermath. She did not seem resentful (digger wrote a good post on resentment that I'll add to soon). I did not feel that I was in a fencing match.
I wrote about some potential health issues, and how they may be contributing to Sybil's working towards change. I think that was only part of the reason. Although she may be seeing tangible, physical problems from the stress I have, Sybil also has seen many couples divorce lately. In our church there are 5 couples that have just divorced or will soon divorce for one reason or another. I believe that Sybil has been hit with the potential reality of us divorcing. Either she leaving me, or me leaving her.
Sybil has become realistic about marriage. She has started to understand that it isn't always fun. Probably, she knew that on an intellectual level but not emotionally. She was always looking at me as the source of her unhappiness (see above about folding undershirts and underwear size determination). The other day she said that she was happy about 70 to 80% with our marriage. I'd say that's not bad. Of course, I didn't tell her about me being happy about 50% of the time. In an earlier time I might have, but I see her making strides.
I understand that married people fight. I'm not asking for no fighting. I'm asking for less vitriol. Less anger. Less open hostility. So far, I seem to be getting it. Now it is up to me to work on my resentment.
Coming soon...
Resentment: It's What's for Breakfast
also I'm Ok; You're Freakin' Psycho!
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
Valentine's Day...an opportunity to express love OR another way for women to receive gifts? You decide.
I'll be posting more on Sybil's 180 later. For now, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.
I'll be posting more on Sybil's 180 later. For now, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.
Monday, February 12, 2007
180
Well, things are improving with Sybil and me, for now. She has really toned down her bitchiness. She has really worked hard to show her loving side to me. We've even had sex once, since the last post.
What brought this on? Well, it wasn't me confronting her. I did that. She apologized and then less than 12 hours later she was still snapping at me over little stuff. Confronting her is still a major chore. Sybil became very defensive, so her talking down to me circles back to it being my fault. No, she went into a 15 minute spiel about how, if I had only done A,B, and C, then she would not have snapped at me. Forget that is there a really a need to suddenly get up and make sure the kids have cleaned the basement? That argument lasted ~4 or 5 hours.
No, what brought this on was blood in my stool. It was enough for me to call her, slightly panicked. I'm healthy and not even 40, so I believe I am developing a bleeding ulcer. Sybil has finally realized that the stress of work and stress she creates at home may be taking a physical toll on me. Despite my efforts of telling her that constant arguing of stupid, small, petty shit (pardon the pun), is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. It seems I have to have something become seriously wrong to be taken seriously.
Now the question: is too late? I've posted on resentment. Unfortunately, I have a significant amount of resentment built up towards her. Although she has made strides in the past 5 days or so, am I able to just let it go? I know I should. I know I must for us to move forward. It is proving more difficult than I imagined.
What brought this on? Well, it wasn't me confronting her. I did that. She apologized and then less than 12 hours later she was still snapping at me over little stuff. Confronting her is still a major chore. Sybil became very defensive, so her talking down to me circles back to it being my fault. No, she went into a 15 minute spiel about how, if I had only done A,B, and C, then she would not have snapped at me. Forget that is there a really a need to suddenly get up and make sure the kids have cleaned the basement? That argument lasted ~4 or 5 hours.
No, what brought this on was blood in my stool. It was enough for me to call her, slightly panicked. I'm healthy and not even 40, so I believe I am developing a bleeding ulcer. Sybil has finally realized that the stress of work and stress she creates at home may be taking a physical toll on me. Despite my efforts of telling her that constant arguing of stupid, small, petty shit (pardon the pun), is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. It seems I have to have something become seriously wrong to be taken seriously.
Now the question: is too late? I've posted on resentment. Unfortunately, I have a significant amount of resentment built up towards her. Although she has made strides in the past 5 days or so, am I able to just let it go? I know I should. I know I must for us to move forward. It is proving more difficult than I imagined.
Friday, February 02, 2007
How Much is a Future Spouse Worth?
And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.
Sybil and I were watching TV the other night, and one of those credit card commercials came on. It was the one about the mixed race couple that was about to get married. The future son-in-law has to meet the bride's parents at the airport. You know the one, right?
Anyway, during the commercial it was said that the ring was $9000. That's $9K. I commented (aside: I need to learn to keep my mouth shut) that it was silly to spend so much on a ring for a couple just starting out. I stated that the money would be better spent on a lesser expensive ring and the rest towards buying a house.
That didn't sit well with Sybil. It seems that I am a cold-hearted person. I only care about the cost of something, rather than whether or not it comes from the heart. If the perfect ring cost $20k, then that is ok, because it's perfect. After all, Sybil's sister has $15k ring. Of course, Sybil didn't say that her sister never wears it for fear of something happening to it. She actually wears a fake copy of the original.
This two hour "discussion" led to worry about a couple of things:
What's the answer to the question? I don't know, but apparently I was wrong to say that. At least out loud.
Sybil and I were watching TV the other night, and one of those credit card commercials came on. It was the one about the mixed race couple that was about to get married. The future son-in-law has to meet the bride's parents at the airport. You know the one, right?
Anyway, during the commercial it was said that the ring was $9000. That's $9K. I commented (aside: I need to learn to keep my mouth shut) that it was silly to spend so much on a ring for a couple just starting out. I stated that the money would be better spent on a lesser expensive ring and the rest towards buying a house.
That didn't sit well with Sybil. It seems that I am a cold-hearted person. I only care about the cost of something, rather than whether or not it comes from the heart. If the perfect ring cost $20k, then that is ok, because it's perfect. After all, Sybil's sister has $15k ring. Of course, Sybil didn't say that her sister never wears it for fear of something happening to it. She actually wears a fake copy of the original.
This two hour "discussion" led to worry about a couple of things:
- Sybil and I are very different in our approach to money.
- We should have had this conversation waaaaay before getting married.
What's the answer to the question? I don't know, but apparently I was wrong to say that. At least out loud.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Taking a Break Part II
I'm back. Things have been very hectic here. Naturally, we're over-scheduled and over-stressed. Sybil and I managed to fight all weekend. I won't go into details right now. Most of it was petty stuff that only she and I can fight about (note to self: read those text message before seeing Sybil). I might go into detail some day.
Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.
Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?
As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.
Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?
Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.
Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?
As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.
Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Taking a Break Part I
Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm pretty swamped at work, and kids' activities keep us hopping.
I'm not taking a break from blogging, just a break from "Sybil bashing." Sort of.
One of the running themes in the blogs I read is the clashing of libidos. In one of the extreme cases is Digger's. I haven't really talked much about our sex life. It seemed that I had bigger fish to fry. Personally, I do not think it is possible to have a completely matched libido for a couple. No couple agrees on everything, and sex is no different. However, if a pair's libido is two far apart, then problems can arise. The partner not getting satisfaction may come to resent the other partner. This resentment can affect other areas of the relationship. For the partner being "badgered about being buggered", he/she can resent the constant nagging. Resentment can then set in, and you know the rest.
In our case, Sybil would say that she has the higher libido. I would agree with that. She is either in the mood or can be put into the mood. She is very excitable. This would seem to be heavenly for most men. I read other's blogs and read tales of frigid wives. In that regard I am thankful.
I am amazed and a little concerned about my waning desire for sex. The excuse I used was stress. Having a stressful job, running to a thousand activities with the kids and having a stressful home life seemed to be the reason for my lack of desire. By the time I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. This lack of desire was such a departure from how I used to be that I was beginning to become concerned. Is it normal for a normal, healthy man to not want sex? Our society paints men as slobbering Neanderthals wanting sex all of the time. I admit to the slobbering part, but what about sex?
Over time I have come to the conclusion that my lowered libido isn't about stress at work. I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of my life. One of Sybil's favorite things to get mad at me about is my lack of communicating about work. When I get home, I don't want to relive the day. I just want to relax. She feels that I am excluding her, and to some point I am. As bad as that is, the reason for my lowered libido, I believe, is my home life. Our constant battles over crap leaves me battered and bruised and in no mood for any intimacy. Sybil's ability to sweat the small stuff constantly wears on my frayed nerves. I am the opposite. I really feel that my life is so much better than 9/10 of the world's population. What do I have to stress about? In the scheme of things, worrying about every, single thing is a waste of time. Even if we take care of everything in a timely manner, so what? We'll be dead in 50 to 60 years. Why can't we kick back and have a good time?
Let me give an example. Last spring, I was trying to plan a get away with the family during the kids' spring break. Every idea was shot down, because Sybil didn't want to go anywhere. I even scheduled myself off for a week. Losing money in the process. What did we do? Nothing. In over 13 years of marriage, we have NEVER had a real vacation. We take trips: conventions, family visits, etc., but never to just load up the car and go. My kids have never seen a beach. Sybil has never seen a beach. We never "de-stress".
Continued...
I'm not taking a break from blogging, just a break from "Sybil bashing." Sort of.
One of the running themes in the blogs I read is the clashing of libidos. In one of the extreme cases is Digger's. I haven't really talked much about our sex life. It seemed that I had bigger fish to fry. Personally, I do not think it is possible to have a completely matched libido for a couple. No couple agrees on everything, and sex is no different. However, if a pair's libido is two far apart, then problems can arise. The partner not getting satisfaction may come to resent the other partner. This resentment can affect other areas of the relationship. For the partner being "badgered about being buggered", he/she can resent the constant nagging. Resentment can then set in, and you know the rest.
In our case, Sybil would say that she has the higher libido. I would agree with that. She is either in the mood or can be put into the mood. She is very excitable. This would seem to be heavenly for most men. I read other's blogs and read tales of frigid wives. In that regard I am thankful.
I am amazed and a little concerned about my waning desire for sex. The excuse I used was stress. Having a stressful job, running to a thousand activities with the kids and having a stressful home life seemed to be the reason for my lack of desire. By the time I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. This lack of desire was such a departure from how I used to be that I was beginning to become concerned. Is it normal for a normal, healthy man to not want sex? Our society paints men as slobbering Neanderthals wanting sex all of the time. I admit to the slobbering part, but what about sex?
Over time I have come to the conclusion that my lowered libido isn't about stress at work. I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of my life. One of Sybil's favorite things to get mad at me about is my lack of communicating about work. When I get home, I don't want to relive the day. I just want to relax. She feels that I am excluding her, and to some point I am. As bad as that is, the reason for my lowered libido, I believe, is my home life. Our constant battles over crap leaves me battered and bruised and in no mood for any intimacy. Sybil's ability to sweat the small stuff constantly wears on my frayed nerves. I am the opposite. I really feel that my life is so much better than 9/10 of the world's population. What do I have to stress about? In the scheme of things, worrying about every, single thing is a waste of time. Even if we take care of everything in a timely manner, so what? We'll be dead in 50 to 60 years. Why can't we kick back and have a good time?
Let me give an example. Last spring, I was trying to plan a get away with the family during the kids' spring break. Every idea was shot down, because Sybil didn't want to go anywhere. I even scheduled myself off for a week. Losing money in the process. What did we do? Nothing. In over 13 years of marriage, we have NEVER had a real vacation. We take trips: conventions, family visits, etc., but never to just load up the car and go. My kids have never seen a beach. Sybil has never seen a beach. We never "de-stress".
Continued...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Ringing in the New Year
Sybil and I survived the New Year. We celebrated with some old friends, who live about an hour away. Nothing wild. I was asleep (not passed out) by 12:01 am. At 37 years old, I'm getting to old for that stuff. Everyone tries to get rid of the old stuff by making some New Year's Resolutions. I know, I know you all have been waiting with abated breath for mine so here they are:
The new year will be an interesting one. I have no doubt.
Happy New Year!
- I resolve to take a deep breath and count to 10, when Sybil starts her rants.
- I resolve to improve my "active" listening skills.
- I resolve to improve my finances.
- I resolve to laugh every day.
- I resolve to worry less.
- I resolve to continue my workout regimen.
- I resolve not to kill Sybil and hide the body.
The new year will be an interesting one. I have no doubt.
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Merry Christmas
A quick post to let everyone know that Sybil and I are ok for now. Thank you to those that bothered to comment on my last post. I plan to try making some changes in how I react, and hopefully, help Sybil with her reactions, too.
I wanted to leave this for everyone:
I wanted to leave this for everyone:
God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, [emphasis: mine]
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.
Refrain
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.
In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.
Refrain
From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.
Refrain
“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”
Refrain
The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding in tempest, storm and wind,
And went to Bethl’em straightaway this blessèd Babe to find.
Refrain
But when to Bethlehem they came where our dear Savior lay,
They found Him in a manger where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling unto the Lord did pray.
Refrain
Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface.
Refrain
God bless the ruler of this house, and send him long to reign,
And many a merry Christmas may live to see again;
Among your friends and kindred that live both far and near—
That God send you a happy new year, happy new year,
And God send you a happy new year.
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.
Refrain
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.
In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.
Refrain
From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.
Refrain
“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”
Refrain
The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding in tempest, storm and wind,
And went to Bethl’em straightaway this blessèd Babe to find.
Refrain
But when to Bethlehem they came where our dear Savior lay,
They found Him in a manger where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling unto the Lord did pray.
Refrain
Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface.
Refrain
God bless the ruler of this house, and send him long to reign,
And many a merry Christmas may live to see again;
Among your friends and kindred that live both far and near—
That God send you a happy new year, happy new year,
And God send you a happy new year.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Invasion of the Pod People?
Well, Sybil is living up to her name. It was only Sunday night that she was "done." She was tired of living with me. She couldn't take it anymore.
Flash forward to Tuesday morning and she asks, "Why didn't you try anything last night?"
WTF!!!
One minute she's "done" and the next she's disappointed because I'm not trying to get into her pants. I can think of lots of reasons but it boils down to frustration of living with her. She's either hot or cold: one extreme or another. There is no middle of the road.
It's getting to the point of I'd rather look at porn and beat off. Sad.
Flash forward to Tuesday morning and she asks, "Why didn't you try anything last night?"
WTF!!!
One minute she's "done" and the next she's disappointed because I'm not trying to get into her pants. I can think of lots of reasons but it boils down to frustration of living with her. She's either hot or cold: one extreme or another. There is no middle of the road.
It's getting to the point of I'd rather look at porn and beat off. Sad.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Sinking...
I was going to post on some the comments about Sybil feeling that she isn't being taken seriously. I will post about that later. It is an important topic and tends to be a running theme in our arguments.
Instead, I will post about my weekend. I know, faithful reader, that you have been waiting to see what comes next in the Aphron and Sybil saga. Well, wait no further.
In typical fashion, Sybil and I took one step forward and two steps backward. Friday night was met with a long argument complete with tears from both of us. Basically, she is feeling that she has come to the end of her rope. Sybil feels that she cannot continue with me. My selfishness has led to resentment of me on her part. What brought that up? Well, we had sex the night before, and she asked about why I initiated it. I explained that I am learning to cope with her emotional outbursts, and it had taken time for me to be able to do that. See, I had no right to feel anger at being yelled and embarrassed in front of Daughter and in the restaurant. If I simply stopped trying to defend my action of coming home for lunch based on an assumption from faulty information, Sybil would not have had to yell at me. If I had tried harder to see things from her point of view, then she would have accepted my apology and everything would have been fine. So the gist of this past Friday night was this: I made Sybil lose her cool, I would not stop thinking only of myself, and I refused to try to put myself in her shoes. She was done trying.
On Saturday, Sybil and I had a sort of reconciliation. She informed me that she wasn't going to leave or anything. I explained that I would work harder on trying to put myself in her shoes. Things were looking up. Then last night happened.
After coming home from church-sponsored caroling and hayride, we stopped at the house of Son#1 to pick him up. Sybil went to the front door of the house to get him. A few minutes later Son#1 gets out of the house, rides his scooter around a bit, and then gets into the car. I ask why chose the scooter over his bicycle, and we have a conversation about that. After about a minute or two, Sybil gets into the car. That's when the fun started. She asked why no one told her that Son#1 was in the car. She wanted to know, if Son#1 had told me that he hadn't seen her. He told her no and apologized. Sybil asked me, if I asked Son#1 if he had seen her. I said no because I assumed she was talking inside and knew that Son#1 was with me. I didn't apologize at the time. That was strike three.
Sybil became "mildly irritated" (her words), and we had a two and half hour argument. What came out of the argument is same stuff: I fail to put myself in her shoes, I fail to be put her first, and I fail to set a good example for my son. When she came to the car, that was my cue to ask about her knowing Son#1 was with me. I blew it by not asking, and therefore, failing as mentioned above.
How does one predict what someone would do? I would have to know Sybil inside and out. Although I feel that I know her pretty well, we are so different on our perception of how to handle details. I have a difficult time assigning the same weight to every situation that she does. If I had paid a little more attention to detail by confirming information and not assuming, I would not be in this situation.
The sinking feeling is Sybil is making noise about being "done." How do I make the necessary changes in my behavior? Should I make the necessary changes? Is a person able to make those necessary changes?
Instead, I will post about my weekend. I know, faithful reader, that you have been waiting to see what comes next in the Aphron and Sybil saga. Well, wait no further.
In typical fashion, Sybil and I took one step forward and two steps backward. Friday night was met with a long argument complete with tears from both of us. Basically, she is feeling that she has come to the end of her rope. Sybil feels that she cannot continue with me. My selfishness has led to resentment of me on her part. What brought that up? Well, we had sex the night before, and she asked about why I initiated it. I explained that I am learning to cope with her emotional outbursts, and it had taken time for me to be able to do that. See, I had no right to feel anger at being yelled and embarrassed in front of Daughter and in the restaurant. If I simply stopped trying to defend my action of coming home for lunch based on an assumption from faulty information, Sybil would not have had to yell at me. If I had tried harder to see things from her point of view, then she would have accepted my apology and everything would have been fine. So the gist of this past Friday night was this: I made Sybil lose her cool, I would not stop thinking only of myself, and I refused to try to put myself in her shoes. She was done trying.
On Saturday, Sybil and I had a sort of reconciliation. She informed me that she wasn't going to leave or anything. I explained that I would work harder on trying to put myself in her shoes. Things were looking up. Then last night happened.
After coming home from church-sponsored caroling and hayride, we stopped at the house of Son#1 to pick him up. Sybil went to the front door of the house to get him. A few minutes later Son#1 gets out of the house, rides his scooter around a bit, and then gets into the car. I ask why chose the scooter over his bicycle, and we have a conversation about that. After about a minute or two, Sybil gets into the car. That's when the fun started. She asked why no one told her that Son#1 was in the car. She wanted to know, if Son#1 had told me that he hadn't seen her. He told her no and apologized. Sybil asked me, if I asked Son#1 if he had seen her. I said no because I assumed she was talking inside and knew that Son#1 was with me. I didn't apologize at the time. That was strike three.
Sybil became "mildly irritated" (her words), and we had a two and half hour argument. What came out of the argument is same stuff: I fail to put myself in her shoes, I fail to be put her first, and I fail to set a good example for my son. When she came to the car, that was my cue to ask about her knowing Son#1 was with me. I blew it by not asking, and therefore, failing as mentioned above.
How does one predict what someone would do? I would have to know Sybil inside and out. Although I feel that I know her pretty well, we are so different on our perception of how to handle details. I have a difficult time assigning the same weight to every situation that she does. If I had paid a little more attention to detail by confirming information and not assuming, I would not be in this situation.
The sinking feeling is Sybil is making noise about being "done." How do I make the necessary changes in my behavior? Should I make the necessary changes? Is a person able to make those necessary changes?
Monday, December 11, 2006
The Saga Continues...
To answer elise, therese in heaven, and trueself I decided to answer their comments in a post rather than a comment.
A lot of our arguments are centered around Sybil feeling that I am not listening to her. In fairness, I try using the best of my abilities to focus on what she is saying. There are times where I fail. Do we listen to our spouses 100% of the time? I doubt it. Unfortunately, Sybil doesn't see it as a human failing, nor that I have and want to improve. She sees it as a form of an attack. When the tables are turned and she fails to listen to what I am saying, I do not press the attack. I do not make it into a federal case. Is the point of a marriage to live with someone and try to have peace and harmony, or is a marriage to constantly bicker over little things? If the point is constantly fighting over whether or not I ceded her point about listening to Son #1 about the lunch plans or talking with her, then Sybil and I are doomed.
The reason the last two arguments escalated into a full battle was my lack of seeing her point of view. Of course, Sybil had no intention of seeing my point of view. Instead, she chose to assume that my explanation for my actions was some sort of an attack and become angry. As I continued to try to explain my position, she became more enraged. In each instance, the thing that set her off was the feeling of not being heard. I did hear her and was even able to repeat back what she had said. It wasn't that I didn't think she had a point. However, the point was lost in the yelling. If one is in a restaurant and the server is afraid to come to the table to take the order because one is having a melt down, one might want to reconsider how one approaches the situation.
Sadly, as I bring up how her reactions make me feel closed-off and defensive, Sybil will blithely push that aside with a "it is your fault that I am reacting that way." If I had only done XYZ differently or had not done ABC, then she would not have felt that she has to yell at me to be heard. Personally, I think the natural reaction, when someone is yelling at you, is tune them out. After each episode, I feel less connected to her. For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.
A lot of our arguments are centered around Sybil feeling that I am not listening to her. In fairness, I try using the best of my abilities to focus on what she is saying. There are times where I fail. Do we listen to our spouses 100% of the time? I doubt it. Unfortunately, Sybil doesn't see it as a human failing, nor that I have and want to improve. She sees it as a form of an attack. When the tables are turned and she fails to listen to what I am saying, I do not press the attack. I do not make it into a federal case. Is the point of a marriage to live with someone and try to have peace and harmony, or is a marriage to constantly bicker over little things? If the point is constantly fighting over whether or not I ceded her point about listening to Son #1 about the lunch plans or talking with her, then Sybil and I are doomed.
The reason the last two arguments escalated into a full battle was my lack of seeing her point of view. Of course, Sybil had no intention of seeing my point of view. Instead, she chose to assume that my explanation for my actions was some sort of an attack and become angry. As I continued to try to explain my position, she became more enraged. In each instance, the thing that set her off was the feeling of not being heard. I did hear her and was even able to repeat back what she had said. It wasn't that I didn't think she had a point. However, the point was lost in the yelling. If one is in a restaurant and the server is afraid to come to the table to take the order because one is having a melt down, one might want to reconsider how one approaches the situation.
Sadly, as I bring up how her reactions make me feel closed-off and defensive, Sybil will blithely push that aside with a "it is your fault that I am reacting that way." If I had only done XYZ differently or had not done ABC, then she would not have felt that she has to yell at me to be heard. Personally, I think the natural reaction, when someone is yelling at you, is tune them out. After each episode, I feel less connected to her. For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Feelin' Low
Well, that smooth period with Sybil is over. Yesterday we had huge fight. Today we had another one.
We always fight about me not listening to her. Earlier in our marriage I didn't always. I tend to have random thoughts running around in my head and am easily distracted (mild ADD?). However, over last few years I really worked on staying focused on her alone. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not be around a distraction (TV, computer, etc.). Until yesterday, things were running pretty good.
Round#1
Yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for a morning civic club meeting, Sybil asks me to take some stuff to Son#1's middle school for PTO. Now, she said "Could you take this to the school before your meeting?" What I heard was, "Can you take this stuff to the school?" The meeting ran a little long, and I dropped the stuff off afterwards. The problem is the person that needed it was looking frantically around for it for about an hour. As I was leaving the school and running to my next errand, I called Sybil to check in. When she found out what time I dropped the stuff off, she became slightly angry. I apologized for not getting the stuff there on time. I explained that I didn't know she wanted it there before the meeting. Her reaction was a shock to me. I became slightly angry and said something about her not even getting out of bed to talk to me. Now she went ballistic. She is screaming into the phone. I try to maintain calm. She is still screaming into the phone, and then hangs up on me.
I finish my errands and arrive home mid-morning. Syibl isn't there. I had no clue where she was, so I called her. She didn't answer her phone, so I left a voice mail apologizing again and closing with "I love you." I waited a bit. No return phone call. I am pretty keyed up by the whole thing. She eventually calls back and starts screaming at me. This time I hang up on her. She calls back and is a little more rational. We talk and talk and talk. It comes out that to her I really hadn't gotten any better. She still could not depend upon me to do things for her. This was a shock to me. I had been making a conscious effort to improve in that area. We kind of make up. I'm still a little shaken by my apparent lack of progress.
Round #2
The kids are out of school. Sybil decides to take them shopping at a local outlet mall, and I'll meet them for lunch. Lunch time rolls around, and I call her. Son #1 answers the phone and tells me they are at home. I am a bit surprised because of the plans. He says he isn't going out to shop and to lunch. He hands the phone to Sybil. I ask, if I need to bring any food home. She says no and then goes into a spiel about a bank statement. Now, I'm not driving anywhere, yet. I'm still in my car waiting in the parking lot. With the information that Son #1 gave and the conversation about the bank statement, it seems to me that the family is at home, and the plans have changed. I start driving home. As we're talking, Sybil asks where I am. When she finds out, she goes nuts. She starts yelling at as to why would I do that, when we had plans for lunch. I explain to her what our son said and her possibly needing my help with the statement, so I thought the plans had changed.
Things deteriorate from there. Sybil thinks that I have placed what Son #1 said as more important than what she said. Not true I counter. I just made a decision and thought the plans had changed. No avail. My mistake did not inconvenience her any. It was the principle of not taking her seriously or getting information from her, directly.
Despite what I feel like are my best efforts, I am losing ground. Things right now haven't been this bad for awhile. I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I'm not sure Sybil can either.
We always fight about me not listening to her. Earlier in our marriage I didn't always. I tend to have random thoughts running around in my head and am easily distracted (mild ADD?). However, over last few years I really worked on staying focused on her alone. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not be around a distraction (TV, computer, etc.). Until yesterday, things were running pretty good.
Round#1
Yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for a morning civic club meeting, Sybil asks me to take some stuff to Son#1's middle school for PTO. Now, she said "Could you take this to the school before your meeting?" What I heard was, "Can you take this stuff to the school?" The meeting ran a little long, and I dropped the stuff off afterwards. The problem is the person that needed it was looking frantically around for it for about an hour. As I was leaving the school and running to my next errand, I called Sybil to check in. When she found out what time I dropped the stuff off, she became slightly angry. I apologized for not getting the stuff there on time. I explained that I didn't know she wanted it there before the meeting. Her reaction was a shock to me. I became slightly angry and said something about her not even getting out of bed to talk to me. Now she went ballistic. She is screaming into the phone. I try to maintain calm. She is still screaming into the phone, and then hangs up on me.
I finish my errands and arrive home mid-morning. Syibl isn't there. I had no clue where she was, so I called her. She didn't answer her phone, so I left a voice mail apologizing again and closing with "I love you." I waited a bit. No return phone call. I am pretty keyed up by the whole thing. She eventually calls back and starts screaming at me. This time I hang up on her. She calls back and is a little more rational. We talk and talk and talk. It comes out that to her I really hadn't gotten any better. She still could not depend upon me to do things for her. This was a shock to me. I had been making a conscious effort to improve in that area. We kind of make up. I'm still a little shaken by my apparent lack of progress.
Round #2
The kids are out of school. Sybil decides to take them shopping at a local outlet mall, and I'll meet them for lunch. Lunch time rolls around, and I call her. Son #1 answers the phone and tells me they are at home. I am a bit surprised because of the plans. He says he isn't going out to shop and to lunch. He hands the phone to Sybil. I ask, if I need to bring any food home. She says no and then goes into a spiel about a bank statement. Now, I'm not driving anywhere, yet. I'm still in my car waiting in the parking lot. With the information that Son #1 gave and the conversation about the bank statement, it seems to me that the family is at home, and the plans have changed. I start driving home. As we're talking, Sybil asks where I am. When she finds out, she goes nuts. She starts yelling at as to why would I do that, when we had plans for lunch. I explain to her what our son said and her possibly needing my help with the statement, so I thought the plans had changed.
Things deteriorate from there. Sybil thinks that I have placed what Son #1 said as more important than what she said. Not true I counter. I just made a decision and thought the plans had changed. No avail. My mistake did not inconvenience her any. It was the principle of not taking her seriously or getting information from her, directly.
Despite what I feel like are my best efforts, I am losing ground. Things right now haven't been this bad for awhile. I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I'm not sure Sybil can either.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Horns of a Dilemma
I just found out last night that the guy from church I posted about earlier (remember Dick and Jane) has left his wife. He is no longer living at home with his three kids. At least that's the rumor. If true, he couldn't have picked a better time of year. Now, the problem is Sybil wants me to get involved. She wants me to call him up and dive into his personal business. I keep trying to tell her that:
- I'm not his best friend or even a close friend. We do not hang out.
- I do not have any place getting involved into the personal life of someone else.
- If I were in the same situation, I would not want someone sticking their nose into my business.
Any thoughts on the matter?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Happy Holidays or Humbug?
Ah, the holidays. Sybil and I survived Thanksgiving, barely. I got myself a nice speeding ticket on the way to my parents' house, so that made for good conversation. Luckily, it was early in the trip, and Sybil was able to let me know how she felt. In her defense, I have an almost neurotic need to be punctual. Since we were already running over an hour late, I really put the pressure on myself. Good that's over, now I get to hear about how much the ticket cost.
It's that crazy time of the year. I HATE IT. So much of Christmas has nothing to with Christ Mass. Buying presents, shopping, fighting the crowds all make for a stressful time of the year. I never get into the spirit of the holiday until about five to seven days before Christmas. Usually, I have finished my shopping and am lounging about. Hopefully, that happens again this year.
For me the best thing is Christmas Day. I look forward to cooking the dinner all year. The menu is turkey (might be goose this year), cornbread dressing (I'm sorry, Yankees, but cornbread dressing is waaaaay better than stuffing.), mashed potatoes (is that with an "e"?), rolls, and maybe a salad. Nothing healthy. Last year's turkey was, in a word, awesome. I'm hoping to repeat. I gotta stop; I'm making myself hungry.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
No! Really?!?
Women talk three times as much as men, says study. I thought it was my imagination. Little did I know that the incessent noise called mundane conversation has a biological link. Maybe that is why women feel that men don't really listen to them. The important stuff is lost in the static. Money quote:
After I have a conversation with one of my male friends, Sybil always asks what we talked about. I always say, "Nothing." I knew I was right. This explains the frustration Sybil has with me because she feels I don't tell her anything. I can't get a word in edge-wise.
Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices, a new book suggests.
After I have a conversation with one of my male friends, Sybil always asks what we talked about. I always say, "Nothing." I knew I was right. This explains the frustration Sybil has with me because she feels I don't tell her anything. I can't get a word in edge-wise.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Is Divorce the Answer?
Anon commented on my last post:
Well, Anon, it isn't as if that thought hasn't crossed my mind from time to time. I'm thinking that he/she hasn't read my previous posts, nor my "Posts of Note." That's ok, because most of us don't do that with a new (to us) blog. I have brought up this question before. I have posed this question to myself from time-to-time. Why do any of us stay in a marriage that seems rocky? In comparison to some I read about, mine actually seems pretty good. Actually, if not for the petty bickering, it's really good.
For awhile on this blog, I referred to my wife as the Wife. As I wrote, read what I wrote, and thought extensively about her, I decided a new moniker was needed: Sybil. Sybil was the character played by Sally Fields. This was the supposedly true story of a person with multiple personalities. Early in our marriage, I would laughingly call my wife "Sybil" to her face. She tends to be emotionally labile. For someone like myself who tends not to display emotion, overt emotional displays are difficult to handle. Fortunately, the tempest that blows the hardest tends to wind itself down the fastest.
Now the question at hand: divorce. I hate divorce. Looking outside in, it seems that divorce creates nearly as many problems as it possibly solves. Divorced couples are still having to deal with the other person. If there was anger and resentment before divorce, just wait until afterwards. Throw in a long, drawn out divorce proceeding, and there will be no survivors. I'm sure with Sybil there would be a long, difficult divorce. Hell hath no fury like Sybil scorned. The end result, I'm sure, would be two people that can't stand each other, children that are alienated and think they have to choose sides, and financial ruin.
Would I be happier after a divorce? Obviously, I can't really say. Despite all of Sybil's warts, I don't want to find out. I'm mature enough to know that there is no perfect someone. The only enticement to divorce is the peace. That peace and quiet does come once a year, when she and the kids visit her family for a week. It's nice for awhile, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I find myself missing her and the children. After a divorce, I would not have my children around me as much. That would be too painful to bear.
In the end no marriage is perfect. Although my parents warned me that being married took an incredible effort, nothing can prepare someone for it. Experiencing marriage and living full time with someone is indescribable. No one is easy to live with after a life time. One has to make accommodations with their spouse, or there is nothing but stress and unhappiness. If Sybil left me (she has threatened on occasion), I would survive. Who knows; I might be happier? That has to be her decision. If she chooses to go down that dark path, I'll be saddened and wondering what I could have done differently (after 13 years, probably many things). However, I will not lay on the floor in the fetal position. I've never quit anything in my life. I'll not start now.
Dump her. Having to make her own living for a year might get her to pull her head out of her ass and be grateful. Or at least get her to act more mature than a 5-year-old.
Actually, my 5-year-old acts more mature than she just did.
Well, Anon, it isn't as if that thought hasn't crossed my mind from time to time. I'm thinking that he/she hasn't read my previous posts, nor my "Posts of Note." That's ok, because most of us don't do that with a new (to us) blog. I have brought up this question before. I have posed this question to myself from time-to-time. Why do any of us stay in a marriage that seems rocky? In comparison to some I read about, mine actually seems pretty good. Actually, if not for the petty bickering, it's really good.
For awhile on this blog, I referred to my wife as the Wife. As I wrote, read what I wrote, and thought extensively about her, I decided a new moniker was needed: Sybil. Sybil was the character played by Sally Fields. This was the supposedly true story of a person with multiple personalities. Early in our marriage, I would laughingly call my wife "Sybil" to her face. She tends to be emotionally labile. For someone like myself who tends not to display emotion, overt emotional displays are difficult to handle. Fortunately, the tempest that blows the hardest tends to wind itself down the fastest.
Now the question at hand: divorce. I hate divorce. Looking outside in, it seems that divorce creates nearly as many problems as it possibly solves. Divorced couples are still having to deal with the other person. If there was anger and resentment before divorce, just wait until afterwards. Throw in a long, drawn out divorce proceeding, and there will be no survivors. I'm sure with Sybil there would be a long, difficult divorce. Hell hath no fury like Sybil scorned. The end result, I'm sure, would be two people that can't stand each other, children that are alienated and think they have to choose sides, and financial ruin.
Would I be happier after a divorce? Obviously, I can't really say. Despite all of Sybil's warts, I don't want to find out. I'm mature enough to know that there is no perfect someone. The only enticement to divorce is the peace. That peace and quiet does come once a year, when she and the kids visit her family for a week. It's nice for awhile, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I find myself missing her and the children. After a divorce, I would not have my children around me as much. That would be too painful to bear.
In the end no marriage is perfect. Although my parents warned me that being married took an incredible effort, nothing can prepare someone for it. Experiencing marriage and living full time with someone is indescribable. No one is easy to live with after a life time. One has to make accommodations with their spouse, or there is nothing but stress and unhappiness. If Sybil left me (she has threatened on occasion), I would survive. Who knows; I might be happier? That has to be her decision. If she chooses to go down that dark path, I'll be saddened and wondering what I could have done differently (after 13 years, probably many things). However, I will not lay on the floor in the fetal position. I've never quit anything in my life. I'll not start now.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Crime and Punishment
I'm not rewriting a long, Russian novel.
Background: I finally came home Monday night at 9 pm. Left home at 7:20 am. That's over twelve hours (for the mathematically challenged). Not only did I have to get up and do my usual routine (get myself and three kids ready and out the door before 7:30 am) and work, but also I had an hour long meeting at church. Anyway, got home and helped with the domestic stuff a bit. After a long day I thought I would watch a little football and have a beer. Now, unlike many men, I do not do this on a regular occasion. Although I enjoy watching sports, I rarely do. Also, I hadn't seen Sybil all day, so I hugged her a bit and gave her a kiss prior to sitting down. She joined me in watching the game. I taught her what a fullback middle screen is (I love TiVo), played with her hair (something she really enjoys), and talked about the day's events. Half time comes, so I decide to get that beer and her a glass of water. Sybil asks if I'm ready to go to upstairs (to bed). Since I had just opened my beer and sat back down, I said if you're tired go on ahead, don't wait for me, and I'll be there in a bit.
The crime:
Thinking only of myself and wanting to isolate myself from her. The evidence is I missed the point of question "are you ready to go upstairs." Although we had been affectionate towards each other that night, I was unaware that it was a form of foreplay. Until she became pissed off, I had no idea. Sybil hadn't said anything verbally. The affection was there, but it is there many times (unless she's pissed off).
The Punishment:
A long argument ensued. We were at it until after midnight. Sybil had left the bed to sleep on the couch. Two days later, she is barely speaking to me. As of last night, she has said she regrets lowering her guard and would not do it again. I have apologized many times, and I do feel bad about disappointing her. I explained that didn't know that I should expect sex every time she shows any affection. My defense was to no avail.
Although Sybil has a right to be disappointed and hurt, she has decided that I should be punished. I'm beginning to feel that she is acting like a spoiled child. I feel that she is throwing a fit, when she doesn't get what she wants. Am I wrong? I always thought people in a marriage should try to reach an understanding and help the other person. I didn't know we could punish each other like children.
When's my parole?
Background: I finally came home Monday night at 9 pm. Left home at 7:20 am. That's over twelve hours (for the mathematically challenged). Not only did I have to get up and do my usual routine (get myself and three kids ready and out the door before 7:30 am) and work, but also I had an hour long meeting at church. Anyway, got home and helped with the domestic stuff a bit. After a long day I thought I would watch a little football and have a beer. Now, unlike many men, I do not do this on a regular occasion. Although I enjoy watching sports, I rarely do. Also, I hadn't seen Sybil all day, so I hugged her a bit and gave her a kiss prior to sitting down. She joined me in watching the game. I taught her what a fullback middle screen is (I love TiVo), played with her hair (something she really enjoys), and talked about the day's events. Half time comes, so I decide to get that beer and her a glass of water. Sybil asks if I'm ready to go to upstairs (to bed). Since I had just opened my beer and sat back down, I said if you're tired go on ahead, don't wait for me, and I'll be there in a bit.
The crime:
Thinking only of myself and wanting to isolate myself from her. The evidence is I missed the point of question "are you ready to go upstairs." Although we had been affectionate towards each other that night, I was unaware that it was a form of foreplay. Until she became pissed off, I had no idea. Sybil hadn't said anything verbally. The affection was there, but it is there many times (unless she's pissed off).
The Punishment:
A long argument ensued. We were at it until after midnight. Sybil had left the bed to sleep on the couch. Two days later, she is barely speaking to me. As of last night, she has said she regrets lowering her guard and would not do it again. I have apologized many times, and I do feel bad about disappointing her. I explained that didn't know that I should expect sex every time she shows any affection. My defense was to no avail.
Although Sybil has a right to be disappointed and hurt, she has decided that I should be punished. I'm beginning to feel that she is acting like a spoiled child. I feel that she is throwing a fit, when she doesn't get what she wants. Am I wrong? I always thought people in a marriage should try to reach an understanding and help the other person. I didn't know we could punish each other like children.
When's my parole?
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Help Meeeeee
The Witches of Eastwick
written by Michael Cristofer, from novel by John Updike
(Daryl wanders in slowly, bewildered, bitter, very angry, shouting at times)
Daryl: Sorry. Just having a little trouble, a little trouble at home. A little domestic trouble. Nothing to be alarmed at, just a little...female problem. Hi! (vomits on the crowd) Don't pay any attention! It's a cheap trick! Anybody can do it, I taught it to them myself! Ungrateful little BITCHES aren't they? Can I ask you something? You're all church going folk. I really want to ask you something. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created...woman? Huh? No shit! I really want to know. Or do you think it was another one of His...minor mistakes like Earthquakes. Tidal waves. (kicks something out of his way) Floods! (pause) Think women are like that? (vomits again and looks around) What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Course He does. We all make mistakes! (pounding his chest) Of course when we make mistakes they call it evil! (grand gesture with mocking reverence) When God makes mistakes they call it nature! So what do you think? Women. A mistake?! Or did He DO IT TO US, ON PURPOSE? (pause) Because I really want to know! Because if it's a mistake maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune system! (laughing) Get a little exercise! You know, (grandiose) twenty push-ups a day, and you never have to be afflicted with women, EVER AGAIN!
Developing...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Everyone's a Little Queer
...but me and thee, and thee's a little strange.
That was told to me by a college friend. It was a saying his grandmother would use, whenever people were gossiping. Gossip. That ugly word. I don't know anyone that doesn't engage in gossip at least a little. Some do nothing but gossip. Although it may be based on truth, gossip usually doesn't get the whole truth. The damage done by gossip is irreparable.
A story that illustrates gossip is the preacher that was supposedly having an affair with the church secretary. All of the congregation were involved in spreading these rumors about the leader of the flock. There was talk of firing the preacher, or firing the secretary, or both. Well, lo and behold, none of it was true. No affair was taking place. In the spirit of Christian love, the congregation went to the preacher to ask for forgiveness. The preacher instructed the congregation to take a feather pillow to the top of the local mountain, rip it open, scatter the feathers, and pick up every feather. It cannot be done. The rumor will always float around on the next breeze.
I bring this up due to a couple with whom Sybil and I go to church. Let's call the wife Jane and the husband Dick (no pun intended). There is a rumor floating around that Dick is emotionally (for now) involved with a married woman. There are phone calls. She calls him numerous times throughout the day. Her husband is spreading gossip about his wife and Dick. Knowing Dick and Jane, all of this seems to be very hard to believe. Although Jane can be abrasive and tends to talk down to Dick, they have been married about 15 years and have three children. The gossip and innuendo swirling around Dick and Jane have been the talk of everyone. The problem is NO ONE knows what is happening, except the wife and Dick and maybe Jane. All of this talk is just that: talk. Destructive talk. Now, whenever we look at Dick and Jane, we wonder.
This got Sybil to thinking and imagining. She has a wonderfully active imagination and likes to noodle things about. She asked me, if I worry about her doing the same thing the wife and Dick have done. I answer that, although the thought has gone through my mind, I don't actively worry about it. I have had moments of concern but not actual worry. Wrong answer. I should be worried. If I'm not worried, then I don't care. Oops, my bad. Now, the conversation has taken a turn into the surreal. I keep expecting Rod Stirling to start his monologue. What's that sign post up ahead?
The problem was my focusing only on the word "worry." To me that means that one is in a state of angst. "Worry" goes beyond occasional concern or "what if." Worry, to me, becomes every waking moment, loss of sleep, weight pressing down kind of thing. Am I wrong? Am I being too literal, as Sybil says?
I know I did not do a good job of easing Sybil's insecurity. I was unable to convince her that, just because I don't worry, doesn't mean I don't care. Can another person allay one's insecurities? I didn't tell Sybil that I don't care. I did say that I had moments of concern, but it didn't fill my waking hours. Does that mean I take her for granted?
Damn feathers.
That was told to me by a college friend. It was a saying his grandmother would use, whenever people were gossiping. Gossip. That ugly word. I don't know anyone that doesn't engage in gossip at least a little. Some do nothing but gossip. Although it may be based on truth, gossip usually doesn't get the whole truth. The damage done by gossip is irreparable.
A story that illustrates gossip is the preacher that was supposedly having an affair with the church secretary. All of the congregation were involved in spreading these rumors about the leader of the flock. There was talk of firing the preacher, or firing the secretary, or both. Well, lo and behold, none of it was true. No affair was taking place. In the spirit of Christian love, the congregation went to the preacher to ask for forgiveness. The preacher instructed the congregation to take a feather pillow to the top of the local mountain, rip it open, scatter the feathers, and pick up every feather. It cannot be done. The rumor will always float around on the next breeze.
I bring this up due to a couple with whom Sybil and I go to church. Let's call the wife Jane and the husband Dick (no pun intended). There is a rumor floating around that Dick is emotionally (for now) involved with a married woman. There are phone calls. She calls him numerous times throughout the day. Her husband is spreading gossip about his wife and Dick. Knowing Dick and Jane, all of this seems to be very hard to believe. Although Jane can be abrasive and tends to talk down to Dick, they have been married about 15 years and have three children. The gossip and innuendo swirling around Dick and Jane have been the talk of everyone. The problem is NO ONE knows what is happening, except the wife and Dick and maybe Jane. All of this talk is just that: talk. Destructive talk. Now, whenever we look at Dick and Jane, we wonder.
This got Sybil to thinking and imagining. She has a wonderfully active imagination and likes to noodle things about. She asked me, if I worry about her doing the same thing the wife and Dick have done. I answer that, although the thought has gone through my mind, I don't actively worry about it. I have had moments of concern but not actual worry. Wrong answer. I should be worried. If I'm not worried, then I don't care. Oops, my bad. Now, the conversation has taken a turn into the surreal. I keep expecting Rod Stirling to start his monologue. What's that sign post up ahead?
The problem was my focusing only on the word "worry." To me that means that one is in a state of angst. "Worry" goes beyond occasional concern or "what if." Worry, to me, becomes every waking moment, loss of sleep, weight pressing down kind of thing. Am I wrong? Am I being too literal, as Sybil says?
I know I did not do a good job of easing Sybil's insecurity. I was unable to convince her that, just because I don't worry, doesn't mean I don't care. Can another person allay one's insecurities? I didn't tell Sybil that I don't care. I did say that I had moments of concern, but it didn't fill my waking hours. Does that mean I take her for granted?
Damn feathers.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Spoke Too Soon?
Had a good one this weekend with Sybil. For some reason it's always the weekends. Anyway, it all started with Son #2's friend sleeping over.
First, a little background: Son#2's friend is, shall we say, high strung. One time while sleeping over, he refused to eat pancakes because we had the wrong syrup. He doesn't play well with others. Once he gets focused on something, he will not change course without a major blow-up.
Saturday night we had some friends over to hang out, watch football, and eat dinner. We had checked with this friend to see what he wanted for dinner. The first thing he said was "mushroom pizza from _____." This is very telling because he names the pizzeria and will accept no pizza from anywhere else. Since no one else wanted pizza, we asked if spaghetti with marinara sauce would be ok. Yes, that was acceptable. We placed the order (no food in the house, of course), and Sybil went to get it. When Sybil returned and we called everyone to dinner, this friend was told that we had gotten spaghetti for him. He walked off saying he wasn't hungry. He was not impolite nor did he pitch a fit. I tried to talk to him and explained that he said spaghetti would be ok. He refused to join us for dinner and stayed in basement away from everyone.
When I rejoined the group, our other guests were surprised by the reaction and were making comments about eating what was served, strangeness of the boy, etc. I made two comments: "when I was growing up, I was given a two choices: eat what was prepared or fix it myself," and "he is a little high strung." Now, Son#1 (who is 12) was there. He was making comments before and after I made these two comments along with the other people. Sybil did not like my comments. She, nicely, asked me to stop making those type of statements. I did not feel that I had done anything wrong and became a little loud in my defense. This only exacerbated the situation further. Sybil called me aside to talk to me. Long story short (too late, right?): we did not agree.
Fast forward to last night. Sybil needs closure on this incident and brings it up again. I, again, say that what I said was not all that bad. She maintains that it was not a good influence on our son. She adds that I only reinforced his bad behavior. I still maintain that what I did was nothing more than vent some frustration. We did not reach an agreement. Sybil thinks I am insensitive and was not a good role model in this instance. I think I made two small, innocuous comments.
Oh, the child in question got to eat his pizza. However, I'm still in the doghouse.
First, a little background: Son#2's friend is, shall we say, high strung. One time while sleeping over, he refused to eat pancakes because we had the wrong syrup. He doesn't play well with others. Once he gets focused on something, he will not change course without a major blow-up.
Saturday night we had some friends over to hang out, watch football, and eat dinner. We had checked with this friend to see what he wanted for dinner. The first thing he said was "mushroom pizza from _____." This is very telling because he names the pizzeria and will accept no pizza from anywhere else. Since no one else wanted pizza, we asked if spaghetti with marinara sauce would be ok. Yes, that was acceptable. We placed the order (no food in the house, of course), and Sybil went to get it. When Sybil returned and we called everyone to dinner, this friend was told that we had gotten spaghetti for him. He walked off saying he wasn't hungry. He was not impolite nor did he pitch a fit. I tried to talk to him and explained that he said spaghetti would be ok. He refused to join us for dinner and stayed in basement away from everyone.
When I rejoined the group, our other guests were surprised by the reaction and were making comments about eating what was served, strangeness of the boy, etc. I made two comments: "when I was growing up, I was given a two choices: eat what was prepared or fix it myself," and "he is a little high strung." Now, Son#1 (who is 12) was there. He was making comments before and after I made these two comments along with the other people. Sybil did not like my comments. She, nicely, asked me to stop making those type of statements. I did not feel that I had done anything wrong and became a little loud in my defense. This only exacerbated the situation further. Sybil called me aside to talk to me. Long story short (too late, right?): we did not agree.
Fast forward to last night. Sybil needs closure on this incident and brings it up again. I, again, say that what I said was not all that bad. She maintains that it was not a good influence on our son. She adds that I only reinforced his bad behavior. I still maintain that what I did was nothing more than vent some frustration. We did not reach an agreement. Sybil thinks I am insensitive and was not a good role model in this instance. I think I made two small, innocuous comments.
Oh, the child in question got to eat his pizza. However, I'm still in the doghouse.
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