Great Blogger Swap 2008: Therese in Heaven

When I signed up for the Great Blogger Swap of 2008, I thought it would be easy enough to participate in. I write posts all the time, after all. But then I thought that maybe writing about potty training, sex at parties, and vomit wouldn't be quite seemly on someone else's blog, so figured I should probably shape up a bit. Not an easy thing to do since I'm currently pre-occupied by my dissertation on prairie dog mating rituals.

So as I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal, trying to ignore my annoying pet marsupial, Maxine, what I keep thinking about is just how unbelievably difficult it is to be a good Christian. Scratch that. A good person. Now, I know that the definition of a good person is widely up for debate, however I can't help but wonder if anyone lives up to their own definition. Somebody wise and holy (I can't for the life of me remember who) said something along the lines of: the proof that we didn't just make God up is in the fact that we assign to Him attributes like "All-powerful," "Supreme Judge," and "Knower of all things deep and private in our hearts, including those embarrassing thoughts about Eva Mendez." Why would we make up a God like that? Why would we invent a "Father Figure" who gives out a seemingly endless supply of "tough love" when we could have a grand-father figure, who gives us ice cream for breakfast and lets us stay up late, just because we ask that it be so? No, the God of the Judeo-Christian world is too terribly awesome for our infantile imaginations to dream up. We happen to like our ice cream.

I think that the reason we have so many notions about how we should be, how others should treat us, how we should act, when we know very well that neither ourselves nor anyone else will actually end up behaving that way, is because someone else, far better than any of us, wrote it somewhere inside our hearts that there is something more. Something better. We have a noble purpose in someone else's plan. This intuitive sense gets quite inconvenient when we very badly want to do something very attractive and selfish (like sleep with the pool boy or, what the heck, Eva Mendez), but its still there. That's why a person who fudges on his time card still feels wronged when the plumber tries to squeeze out more money than agreed on for additional "parts" and "labor." We know justice even when we don't live it.

So what is a person to do when we all have these internal standards that no matter what, we (and no one else in history) just can't seem to live up to? I think the writers Zmirak and Matychowiak* summed it up best when they said, "Believe it all, do what you can, admit that you're basically a bastard, and turn to the font of infinite Mercy** as humbly and as often as you can. If there's one thing that's incompatible with Christianity, it's pride, or what today would call 'healthy self-esteem' and a 'clear conscience.'" And on that note, I shall close my post and prepare to ask God for forgiveness. I need it too. I am just a bastard, after all.

Oh, and thank you, Aphron, for your hospitality.

*No, I didn't make them up, but I bet you can't say their names quickly five times.

**For you Catholics, that's time in the box.

Being Outed

In my last post, which the issue was never resolved, Silent Male presented an interesting comment. He highlighted the ramifications, if I were outed. What if Sybil found the blog and read the posts and comments? What ramifications would that bring on?

Well, dear reader, I'm sure you already know what would happen. Given Sybil's temperament, I'm sure not good things would happen. She has already run divorce up the flag pole to see what would happen. The first couple of times, I was shocked into submission. Since I'm a slow learner, I finally figured out that was a form of emotional manipulation at best. Actually, one night she commented, "I guess we should call the lawyers." To which I replied, "Tomorrow would be fine." Naturally, she became upset and accused me of giving up on our marriage. The irony was totally lost on her. Anyway, I'm sure she would begin the procedures of divorce. For me divorce is, simply, not an option. I've listed the reasons somewhere on this blog, but the there are three basic reasons: my three children.

I am left with trying to conceal my blogging. I know that to be completely open and honest with Sybil would bring on Armageddon. I use Mozilla's Firefox because it automatically deletes my browsing history. No one that I know personally knows about my blog. I am as careful as I can be. I do not talk about my work or any other personal events to try to remain anonymous. It is sad in a way.

When I started this blog, it was a to vent the frustrations of my marriage without really causing any long term problems. I had hoped to receive some validation, and I have. Although this blog does not show the whole story of Sybil, I do try to remain objective about she how treats me at times. I am human, and I am sure some bias does creep in. There are some posts that written during a relatively emotional moment.

Although this blog was started as a way of finding vindication, I believe it may be documenting my life with Sybil. I pray it doesn't, but it may have to be used in the event of divorce. Denial is a powerful thing, but I am being to see that I am living with an emotionally abusive person.

I'm a Little Tired

Yesterday was quite eventful, especially the fireworks at the end.

Since I had the day off, Sybil, Son#1 (14), Son #2 (9), and I went to the office and did some work until Sybil and Son #1's orthodontist appointment. Lunch was put off until after 1:30 due to the appointment. We'd already had a full day of fun with Sybil.

We're sitting at lunch, when the topic of David Bowie comes up. Son #1 plays Guitar Hero (or was it Rock Band?), and a factoid came up saying that once David Bowie was hit in the eye with a lollipop at a concert. I said that must explain why one of his pupils being bigger than the other. Sybil begins questioning about it. Finally, I say that it was assumption and not a fact. To which she snaps, "I guess it wasn't the TRUTH!" Practically spitting out the last word. I ask her why she snapped at me. Naturally, she says she didn't. This time I had witnesses. Son #1 got my back and told her that she did. Immediately, Sybil became defensive and denied it. I explained that she had indeed snapped at me. After the third denial, I simply said, "Whatever," and stopped talking. I figure what's the point? She'll never admit to the possibility that she has a sharp tongue.

Flash forward to last night. Just about the time we're going to bed, Sybil starts in. Didn't I know she was mad? No. If one is mad, I shouldn't have to figure it out. She is mad because I stopped talking. I explained my reasoning. She starts yelling at me. By this time she is completely unhinged. She is yelling so much that she is actually spitting on me. The gist is my stopping the conversation during lunch. I try to explain that I didn't want to talk anymore, because she was in denial about the possibility about her demeanor. Sybil continues to deny ever snapping at me. Of course, this isn't a calm, adult conversation. She is continually yelling at me. Finally, she yells, "Why don't you sleep on the couch!?" I, of course, say no. Sybil continues her tirade. Finally, I decided that the couch is preferable to this abuse, so I go sleep on the couch. I cede the field to her.

I'm a little tired. The couch is just a little shorter than me. It was worth not listening to her.

Update...

More discussion with Sybil yields why she was upset. It would appear that she was giving all kinds of signals all day yesterday, and I was supposed to note the signals, go to her, and ascertain the problem. Since I did not approach her and ask what was the matter, she became angry and felt ignored. We had about 30 minutes of alone time, and that was right before going to bed. Also, we never completed our conversation about David Bowie. As to the issue of her demeanor towards me, Sybil is in complete denial that she did anything wrong.

Aniversary After-Action Report

Well, the big 15 came and went. I know everyone wants all of the play-by-play of the night's festivities. Let me tell you, it was a night I'll never forget. We were up until the wee hours of the morning. I'm totally exhausted as I write this post.

We got started a bit late. We dropped the kids off at home and set out for a local sushi restaurant. Just the two of us. That by itself is a real treat. We sat there just enjoying ourselves. Of course, a large part of the time Sybil was on her cell phone trying to coordinate Daughter and one of her friends trip to camp today. I knew this night would be something special. After the restaurant, we went back to my office and did paperwork until 12:30 am. That's it. That's the anniversary. Granted this was stuff that had to be done, but it could have been done yesterday. However, Sybil was out of the office pretty much the whole day running the kids to their over-scheduled activities. Anyway, by the time we got home I was so tired I went to bed.

On related note, I've discovered why my libido is low.

A Milestone

Fifteen years ago today, Sybil and I got married. It was a bit of a rushed ceremony at the justice o' the peace in the southern city we were living. Rushed because Sybil was about 3 months pregnant. What a shocker! We were in grad school, no income, dated hot and heavy (I do mean heavy) for about 6 months. It took me a long time to grow into fatherhood. Suddenly being thrust into that role was disconcerting.

I guess we are beating the odds. I don't think many would have lasted that long with the world arrayed against us. I guess that is something to celebrate. Being married has been very difficult for both of us. Looking back, I regret not putting off sex and concentrating more on building a foundation. However, I don't think that would have done any good. Sybil never acting the way she does now. She never seemed so controlling, so easily angered. During that time, we never really had an argument. That should have been a red flag.

Although there many things about my marriage that make me unhappy, I appreciate the miracle. We have to learn to accept those around us as they are and not how we want them to be. It is very difficult. We find ourselves saying, "If only she did this or didn't do that..." It is human nature to want more, but it is also dangerous.

At the end of the day, I love Sybil. I won't lie and say there weren't times I wish we weren't married, but I do not believe I could picture myself with another.

We'll see about the next 15 years.

What's Marriage's Purpose?

I keep having that question roll around in my head? What IS marriage's purpose? Is it so two people can pull together? Is it for producing offspring? Why does a man and a wife live together...forever?

If marriage is for the "simple" creation of offspring, then can marriage be dissolved after said offspring are grown? I know many marriages that do that. When the kids are either in mid-teens or adults, the marriage breaks apart. With many years invested in it, everyone on the outside are left scratching their heads and wondering. Many times these marriages are twenty years old or older. So much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears are poured into that doomed marriage. Do couples that have grown children stay together simply for none other than that reason?

It is interesting to see marriage dynamics from the outside and inside. It seems that one person, in my case Sybil, changes after becoming married. That person goes from being this laid back carefree person to this control freak that gets totally bent out of shape over every little thing. Is that the goal of marriage: control? Trying to mold another person to fit our conception of perfection? Seems to me that is the sure recipe for failure. No one likes to be controlled.

Is marriage some destination? Plodding forward to some imaginary Nirvana? During the whole journey being overly worried about how the toilet paper is placed on the rack? Isn't patience and acceptance supposed to be in their somewhere? I thought marriage was a journey two people took together. For me the journey should be fun and exciting. Going ballistic because of a wrong turn takes the fun out of the journey. Worrying about following the directions and making mistakes tends to make one miss the scenery along the route.

Help me out here. I'd really like to know.

Taking a Break...

from marriage blogging. Since it is that wacky election season, I've chosen my candidate:

SO WRONG!!!

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

A Whole Month?!?!

Well, I've been a terrible host here. I've neglected my readers and not kept them up to date with all of my goings on. To be brief, I'm working about 16 hours a day, Sybil and I fight like cats and dogs, and my kids' activities are adding the miles to the cars. Since I have about 30 minutes of free time, I find that I have to push my blogging to the side.

I'm still alive...barely.

Otherwise, everything is just peachy.

Hopefully, I'll be posting more. Hopefully, my workload and personal activities will die down soon. Hopefully, my libido will return.

Follow-up Post...Finally

It's interesting to see the dominant/passive roles in play. Each relationship has them. I think it boils down to how much drama, fighting, assertiveness, or whatever one is willing to put up with. I don't like drama. I don't like the emotional play of arguments. Therefore, I find myself avoiding the whole thing. I find myself giving in to end the fight. Doesn't matter, if I am wrong. I just want it to be over. After almost 15 years of marriage, suddenly becoming assertive might have unintended consequences. While I am not afraid of those consequences per se, I do want to try to maintain some status quo until the kids leave home.

An example of this came about last night. We had just bought "Rock Band" for PS2. By the way, it is truly a fun game. Anyway, it needs at least 3 USB connections, but PS2 only has 2. Real smart, huh? I grab my USB hub from my laptop and plug in the connections. Son #1 (14 years old) did most of the connecting and setting up. He had some help from Daughter (11 years old) and Son#2 (9 years old). All 5 of us played it that night. Last night, Sybil had 3 girls spend the night with Daughter. They wanted to play the game. Sybil called be because she didn't know how to get it up and running. She figured it out, and they played. I am leaving work and picking up pizza for the sleepover. As I am coming home, Sybil calls me quite irate. It seems these rambunctious girls somehow yanked on the chords and destroyed the hub. Now, the funny things is this: it was my fault. I'm the one that plugged in the hub the night before. It doesn't matter that I wasn't even home when it got destroyed. It doesn't matter that Sybil thought the arrangement of the chords might be a problem and something should be done about it. It only matters because I was the one handling the hub. So I came home to Sybil yelling at me. I could have had a knock-down-drag-out-fight with Sybil about whose fault it is, but I caved. Why? I did not want a huge conflagration during the sleep over. The end result was I went out to Staples and bought another hub. Just now I think I understand why Sybil was so angry: she wanted to play the game and couldn't. After installing a new hub, she could not stop playing.

This is the typical scenario in my house. Sybil concentrates on finding fault, instead of chalking it up to stuff happens and fixing it. Something happened; someone's head must roll. Since I do tend to avoid the icky emotional stuff, I struggle to confront issues. Sybil has no qualms about this, so she tends to win.

More coming...

The 300: A Gay Ol Time

I know I owe you all a post. It is coming. Right now work and family stuff is kicking me in the #$@.

I finally saw 300. The story about the Spartan 300 holding off the Persians (the most powerful people of the day). I didn't realize everyone was a homosexual in those days. With the exception of the traitor Spartan, nearly all of the men were buff and liked to embrace in their loin cloths. Other than that the movie blew.
Pun intended.

You Limp-Wristed Son of a Fetid Donkey's Bottom!

My apologies to Monty Python.

What is the state of masculinity in the Western world today? Is society becoming more and more feminized?

I ask these questions because I really want to know. In generations past, did men allow their wives/girlfriends to hit them over the head with their emotions? Were women allowed to express themselves through the dramatic? Did husbands/boyfriends put up with women's shenanigans? Do men today have the cojones to stand up to their wives/girlfriends, or do they take the path of least resistance? Are men afraid of the hysteria that many women seem to be able to drum up at will? If men were to stand firm, would women realize that hysterical rantings will not advance their argument?

Most men use their father as a role model. How the father reacted towards the mother may determine how the son will react towards his wife. In my case, father tended to be passive to my mother, who was domineering and a lot like Sybil. I cannot tell you how many times Sybil has remarked how annoying my mother is, and I cannot tell you how many times I have had to bite my tongue and keep from telling her how similar they are. If all a boy sees is a father that bows his head to his domineering mother, then that boy may grow to be a man that will bow his head to a domineering woman. The cycle will be repeated.

What about the man that was raised by his mother? What male role models does he have? How will he cope with a woman's hysterical rantings? I suspect that he will be even more misogynistic. He may come to view all women with a jaundiced eye. Since my parents remain married to this day, I do not have any experience in this situation. My guess is that either he will shirk from his husbandly/fatherly responsibilities, and/or he will have a dim view of women in general.

Sadly, we see it even in powerful, supposedly, confident women. Remember Hilary Clinton's little break down? If a man had an emotional breakdown, everyone would rightly be questioning his leadership abilities. Like many women, she used her emotions as a tool. And it worked like a charm. Like so many husbands/boyfriends that are faced with a similar situation, the voters rewarded her with more votes. Instead of rolling their eyes at a woman's hysterics, they voted for her. Again, like so many husbands/boyfriends facing a similar situation, her tears were rewarded with a kind of a head bowed, glum, "yes, dear." If she is one of the most powerful women in the country, is this what we have to look forward to?

I don't have any answers. Like everyone else, I am tainted by my own life's experiences. My life has been filled with women that use their hysterics to create drama and keep everyone off balance. I mean, come on, how many men create an hour-long fight on how to fold undershirts?

What's Wrong with Me?

Well, I've been putting off this post. The intent of this blog was to "vent my spleen." I was not feeling that I had anywhere else to go to vent the frustrations of my marriage. I have shown the spotlight on some of Sybil's failings and our marriage's failings. In this post I'll try to shine on my failings. This is difficult because it will force me to look into those dark nooks and crannies that we all have.

Let's get started.

1. Procrastination. I really would rather not do it today. This is a pretty bad thing because it causes friction in my marriage. Sybil wants to get it done right now. I tend to be more lazy...er... laid back about things. I can give a lot of excuses (worked all day, I'm tired, it can wait, etc.), but the cold hard truth is I just don't want to do it. This leads to my next issue.
2. Avoidance. If you haven't guessed it by now, I am an avoider. I am not one to make a fuss about something that is bothering me. I dread the inevitable drama that seems to accompany confrontation. This drama must be avoided at all costs. The biggest down side is that things tend to come out when least convenient. One time I was listening to a comedian describe this. He tells about packing away these irritations. "Pack, pack, pack!" was his mantra. He admitted that this created times of sudden unpackage. A sudden trigger that makes all of that packed stuff come out. I know this is an area I am the weakest.
3. "Open mouth; insert foot." I am famous for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Since I enjoy making people laugh as a way to fill that void, I will saying just about anything to get that laugh. I've learned that the more outrageous the better. Naturally, Sybil lives in mortal fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes for some lively discussions.
   
4. Insecurity. I think just about all of us are insecure at least about something. I am, definitely, no exception. See #3. I try to make people like by making them laugh, for instance. Other things that reveal my insecurity are coming below.
5. Trouble with criticism. This definitely goes back to my insecurity. Since one of Sybil's best attributes is critiquing me, that also makes for some lively discussion. I find it very hard to divorce myself from the criticism and focus on the whether or not there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Also, I find it very hard to take criticism from Sybil for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I care about her opinion of me. If she is criticizing me, then I feel that I am not living up to her expectations. This emotional response triggers my insecurity and causes me to become defensive. Secondly, many men yearn to be perceived as a "knight in shining armor." If my "fair maiden" finds fault, then how can I live up to that ideal. Again, insecurity comes into play.
6. Focus. I used to think I had a form of ADD. However, I now believe I have tremendous focus. Unfortunately, it rarely coincides with whatever Sybil is focused on. Many times it takes a great deal of effort to keep my mind from wandering elsewhere. I find myself tuning others out. Since this is one of Sybil's pet peeves (to be tuned out), it causes a great deal of consternation. Although focus has its advantages, it is truly a double edged sword.

I think those are big ones. The two biggest faults are avoidance and insecurity. They seem to be twin sisters of most of my problems. I have a daily struggle with them. Sometimes I actually win.

The Hate Post

My first intention was write a post about my failings. I'll spare you, gentle reader, from being able to poke at me. Instead, I want to write about something Digger said in one his posts. He posted about the author, Schnarch, and his writing about relationships. One of the things mentioned was how spouses can start to hate each other. This hate is not, necessarily, a bad thing. Many tend to believe that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. If hate exists, then maybe something positive can arise. Working on changing negative feelings to positive, that kind of thing.

That thought struck home with me. It has rattled around inside that empty space that my hat rests upon. I have pondered that idea a lot. I came to the conclusion that I may hate Sybil. There I wrote it. I hate writing it. Oops, I wrote it again.

We don't like to think we hate the one we are supposed to love. We are not supposed to hate them. However, what other word can be used, when I dread having to spend time with them? I dread knowing that so much time and energy will spent on petty bickering and fighting. That is how I feel right now. Whenever Sybil and I spend any time together, it invariably leads to her constantly pointing out all of my failings or some little slip will trigger not annoyance but rage (yesterday I forgot to check for any text message from her). Kind of coaching from the easy chair. Never been in the game. It's kind of hard to take that. I have pointed out that giving instructions from the sidelines is not the same things as actually doing it. Mentioned on more than one occasion. Doesn't seem to help.

The possibility of hating my spouse goes against what I believed to be the natural order of things. That is the real conundrum. I'm not saying that I believe in fairy tales with everyone living happily ever after. I do believe that one should love one's spouse, period. Sadly, for the past few years, I have started to dislike Sybil. Maybe even hate. Although it isn't fair to her since I haven't spoken of it to her, I am afraid that opening that Pandora's Box will lead to a lot more pain than any happiness. Somehow I have lost that deep emotional connection to Sybil.

Communication may be important, but it doesn't always work. I am wanting Sybil to make some pretty fundamental changes in her personality. I would resent someone asking that of me (actually, I do resent Sybil). I have tried to be patient with others, because I feel that I am a deeply flawed individual. Yet, I feel that I do not get the same treatment from my wife. Communicating the problem will not solve it. I have talked to her, with her, and at her at length. She will not bend.

I realize that she has issues with me, and I am not the easiest person in the world to live with. I was planning to do a post about my failings. This post had to come out. I'm not sure if any good will come of it. May be some things should be left in the dark closet.

I Just Gotta Tell Ya

The one single piece of advise I would give a woman about to be married is this: don't be a nag.

I know sometimes women feel that they are not being listened to or taken seriously. Do you really think nagging one's husband is really the answer? Trying to be helpful is a good thing, but taken to the extreme it becomes like so much other background noise. Something to be tuned out. Also, men already have one mother. If we wanted to listen to someone telling us how we were screwing everything up, we would have stayed home and lived with our mother. Let me give you a case in point.

It's Sunday morning and I have to get everyone up and moving, if we are to go to church. That includes Sybil. Actually, she is the worst one. Now, yesterday was cold. No doubt about it. I told the kids to make sure they dress appropriately. To put on a coat. Sybil, naturally, is the last one down and ready to go. I've already made sure the kids are ready. There is no way we'll get there on time. As per usual, we are going to be 30 minutes late. As we get into the car, Sybil looks at Daughter and sees the kind of coat she picked out. It is not a very well insulated one, but it is a coat. Meanwhile, Sybil has on two light coats. Son #2 has on a hoody (Son #1 wasn't with us). I don't have a coat on, but I am wearing a turtleneck sweater. Fortunately, I am rarely ever cold.

As we are driving to church, Sybil starts in about me not making sure the kids are properly dressed for the temperature. She notes that I am not properly dressed and am a poor role model for the kids. For the 15 minute drive, this is all I hear. Since I am trying to stir up as little controversy as possible, I merely explain that I did instruct the kids to wear a coat. I did tell the kids it is going to be cold. I kind of feel like the kids are old enough to know what to wear. Of course, this is wrong. Not only did I not enforce the coat wearing, but also I am not wearing a coat either.

As we are walking into the church, Sybil is still going on about it. Finally, I say "Whatever" and go to Sunday School. She goes to the nursery to help out there. During Sunday School, I start replaying the conversation and realize her intentions are noble. Afterwards, I go to her and apologize for my behavior. The kicker is, later that evening, she accuses me of trying to start a fight.

So women, please do not nag your husband. Although your intentions may be noble and it may feel like the thing to do, nothing good will really come of it. Either he will tune you out completely, simply pay lip service to you, or he will react with anger.

A Kind of Peace

Thank you all that commented on my last post.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other...yet.

Life is percolating along. We seem to have retreated into our respective corners for now. She hasn't really lost it in awhile (nearly 2 weeks). Right now, it seems the key is to acknowledge that I am wrong (even I think I'm right), quickly apologize, state why I think I was wrong (even if I think I was right), and everything is hunky-dory.

Somehow, I don't think this is a recipe for a healthy marriage. What constitutes a health marriage? I have no idea. Married people seem unhappy. Single people seem unhappy. Therefore, people seem unhappy. The idea that another is cause of our unhappiness is just as laughable as the idea that another is the cause of our happiness. We have bought into the fairy tale idea that we'll "live happily ever after." The best we can hope for is to live. Hopefully together.

This realization, which really was kind of V8 moment of slapping my forehead, has helped me laugh off Sybil's tirades. I know I cannot really take them seriously. Now, before anyone gets on to me about not taking Sybil seriously, I must point out that taking her seriously is what produces our nastiest arguments. Case in point: see post below. That is a good example. If I simply nodded my head and acted like I was listening, we probably would not have had the replay of Black Hawk Down with me being the guys in the HumV's.

Is this really a healthy attitude? I cannot say. Digger can comment on that better than me. He tends to study psychology and has a better grasp for it. It probably isn't. Remember the goal: to live (hopefully, together). If this is the goal of marriage (besides raising kids in a stable, loving environment), then simply letting go of her tirades will go a long way to keeping the peace. I cannot expect Sybil to change how she keeps the peace; I must only worry about doing my part. It is the height of conceit to expect someone to change simply because one wishes it (some may want to reread that). I must only concern myself with taking my reaction out of the equation. Expressing emotion will only add fuel to the fire.

The Long Awaited Drama Post

So Sybil and I are lying the bed watching The Nativity is on one of the movie networks. We come to the end of the movie, and Jesus is born. Sybil says, "God must like sin."

To me, that is a bold statement. I ask what does she mean? Sybil explains that in her bible study (which she went to all of twice) they studied about a prostitute whose decedents went to become an important group of people. I've read the bible, and I was racking my brain trying to remember who that was. I felt that by understanding this example of her statement, then I could understand her statement. Sybil is sadly uneducated about the bible and chooses to live in ignorance. She could not give me a name or any more of the story. As I began probing her about who this person was, she became more and more agitated. Finally, she gave up on that line of thinking and turned to the issue that started her thoughts: the conception and birth of Jesus.

Sybil felt that an unwed mother is a sin in God's eyes, and He used this sin to save the world. I explained that, actually, there was no sin committed at all. Jesus' conception was without sin. She stated that to everyone around Mary Jesus' birth would seem sinful. I said, "Yes, but sin isn't defined by what people think." I went on talking about how man's perception of right and wrong has little to do with what actual sin is.

By this time, Sybil is quite angry. It would seem that I was attacking her. I replied that I was not attacking her personally, but yes, I was attacking her position. There is a distinction. I never called her stupid or ignorant or anything. Instead, she kept saying that focusing on the facts and not how she came to her conclusion means I was attacking her. I answered her by saying that I was debating her statement, because I thought that was one way to discover truth.

Nope. I am attacking her. I am a sad man. I only live for facts. I cannot feel or have emotion. Sybil feels sorry for the person I am. I pointed out that her statement was a personal attack. Of course, that went over like a Lead Zeppelin. In the end I could not make her see that I was not taking the conversation into a personal level. Since Sybil is all of the time accusing me of not paying attention to what she says, I explained that I was taking great pains to understand her.

I guess I am not allowed to challenge her beliefs. I should just let her go about her life in ignorance. If I try to show that I am truly engaged in the conversation and really trying to understand how she feels, I am attacking her. Is it possible that her insecurities have made her a sad, superficial person? Any challenge to her beliefs or thoughts is met with personal attack. How is one supposed to have a meaningful relationship with someone like that?

Hopeless.

By the way, Happy New Year.

A Little Change for the New Year

I've changed my picture due to the drama that is my life. I have a wonderful post exemplifying that coming in a few days. I think everyone will be amazed.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was pretty good.

A Day Without Drama is Like a Day Without Sunshine

Well folks, I haven't posted in awhile. Too much stuff going on here. Running 3 kids around creation, working 10 hour days, etc. It's very hard to keep the blog up to the usual posting that I had so long ago. Of course it doesn't help that I seem to be blogging about the same things constantly.

Let's take drama, for instance. Why is it that many like to create drama in their lives? Why is it that women disproportionately do the creating? Is it the feeling of "victimhood" that drives them? Are they trying to get attention? Why do it? It seems to me to expend a lot of energy keeping that constant state of drama going. Am I the problem? Maybe I'm too lazy?

Let me give you an example. Last night after taking Son#2 and Daughter to buy a present for their teachers, picking up Son#1 from swim practice, getting Son#2 some McD's, dropping Son#2 off at basketball practice, going to Subw** with the other kids, I decide to call Sybil. Sybil was at church helping with an activity. I had no way of knowing when she would be done. I thought I could drop off Son#1 and Daughter with their food at church, so she could take them home (it was now about 7:45 PM). I would stay at Son#2's basketball practice, since it was not scheduled to be over until 9:00 PM. Anyway, I'm standing in line at Subw** having already ordered the kids' food and mine. I decide to call Sybil to see what she would want, and I would bring it to her. Little did I know I had become a contestant on "Guess What I'm Thinking."

Sybil informed me that I know what she wants. She wants the warm sandwich that she got last time, "You know the one." Now, Sybil really isn't into sandwiches. She rarely eats at Subw**. I think the last time was around 4 months ago. The last sandwich wasn't a warm one. Naively, I ask for more information. She gets irritated and tells me that I should know. It's what we always get. Um, that wasn't the case last time. She isn't helpful because she can't remember the name of the sandwich.

About this time, Sybil pulls into the parking lot and walks into the establishment. She looks at the menu and points out the sandwich in question and orders it. I knew I was in for it.

I have made her feel like a second thought. By calling her AFTER I ordered and not remembering the correct sandwich, I have made her feel unloved. I have confirmed that I really only care about myself. I have confirmed that she will always be alone in this marriage just like her aunt predicted, when she was a child. In just a few statements she made me feel very small.

Silly me. I thought I was trying to be helpful. She was stuck at church with no supper. The kids wanted to go home. I felt that calling her, bringing her the food she wanted, and letting her take the kids home would be a good thing. A helpful thing. Nope. How ignorant of me. I, obviously, don't really care about her.

Drama. A person that was not into creating drama would have seen another putting forth an effort to be helpful. A Drama Queen, a Sybil, would only see things as some other disappointment. No matter how things are done, it will never be right. Drama Queens cannot kick back and enjoy themselves. Life only has meaning, if there is conflict. Drama Queens love to stir the pot and create controversy. WHY? Can someone tell me why? Why? Why all of the fuss? Why make a big deal out of not remember a freakin' sandwich from this past summer?

Help me understand.

Drama Post Part II

Ok, I was wrong. After having a terribly long, painful, emotionally fraught discussion last night. Sybil was angry with my selfishness. When I chose to go home for lunch yesterday instead of meeting friend's mom for lunch at fast food restaurant (which I don't like), I was being selfish.

In truth, I was being selfish. I didn't want to spend my limited lunch time at this establishment, so I chose to go home. Sybil feels that I should have pushed my feelings about the fast food restaurant aside, had lunch with friend's mom, and taken Son#2 back to the office. Should I have? Friend's mom did not indicate any need to hurry and leave the eatery. As I said in the last post, she told me that they had just sat down and began to eat. It seemed, to me, it was a win-win situation. Son#2 got to hang out with his friend, and I got to go home and relax for lunch. Apparently, I only cared about myself.

Is it true? Probably. By nature, I tend to think how something will affect me first. That doesn't mean that I won't be helping others, or anything. That only means I think of myself first. In a strictest sense, I am selfish. However, does that mean I only take care of myself first? I don't think so. One of the reasons for my lack of posting here and commenting on other sites is lack of time. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't have time to post at all. Outside of work, I have about 30 minutes of free time a day (including weekends).

That's right 30 minutes. The only reason I have that is because I get up at 6 am. When I finally get home (usually after 8 pm due to kids' activities), I can't enjoy any "selfish pursuits." If I were to start reading a book, Sybil would get annoyed because I am ignoring her. If I play on the computer, I am being selfish for not spending time with Sybil. As I read that, it makes me wonder who is selfish?

What this all boils down to is "what's the big deal?" What is the worst that could happen? Is it the end of the world? I usually say, "No, it isn't that big of a deal." I think therein lies the problem. For Sybil EVERYTHING is a big deal. Kind of a "take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves."

By the way, the only person that was inconvenienced was me. I didn't get to have any lunch.